In a horrible situation - newbie need sorting out!

[lucia1968]

I'm new here and need some mumsnet advice on this horrible situation. I have 2 boys from a previous marriage. I have been with my current partner for 10 years - all fine and dandy...or so i thought.
about a month ago he announced that he was bored, bored with his life. he had been a bit distant so i thought maybe he was stressed. I looked at his phone, and saw the following stuff on google...

1. how to know if a woman fancies you x 10 searches
2. flats to rent ( multiple times)
3. Googling a female colleague ( he is her boss) multiple times
4. doing a star sign compatibility test x 3
5. holidays alone

He has also been going out a lot more than ususal.

he told me he was going out with friends from work so when he got back i looked on his phone ..... a whatsapp said.....
"I had an amazing time tonight , your friends are weird but fun.... see you in a few hoursX"
she sent one back See you in a few hours xxxx

So, i kept it quiet and watched the whatsapp.... she whatsapps him all the time.... all day on her day off!!.so i called him out on it.. he said he wants to be single but denied any relationship with her saying they are 'friends' and that i should trust him. So i said about the google stuff and the whatsapp message and he went crazy! so we had a big fight and essentially he had one foot out the door, he begged me to let him stay till he found an apartment. so i did. he started looking and found that non are furnished ( he lives in my house - not married) and it is really expensive. so he said he wanted to fix things with us.... this means me trusting him.
he has locked me out of his media, laptop and changed all his passwords.... i know i shouldn't snoop and i have never done it before but my gut was churning..
He is going away on business with his colleague for a bloody week to Sweden... am i being paranoid or should i just boot him out ... help me!!

I feel so unlovable and I’m afraid I will be lonely

You'll be fine, pet. Honestly, much better than wondering all the time if he's talking to her or not (he is).

I want to send her a message and say she is welcome to him with his 25k debts and 20 second sex

DO IT! While they are in Sweden together.

Please kick him out pronto.

I’m going to do it. - I never want to feel like this again.
My poor heart.

Don't be drawn into the "she is chasing him" scenario.

It might be comforting to think of him as a poor weak man unable to resist the onslaught of a determined woman, but that is just a way for you to hide from yourself the sad truth that he is a cheating liar.

Both are complete true. She will soon find out. I’m sure sure he will be so attractive when he isn’t single. If the boss finds out he could lose his job. illicit encounters are thrilling when no one knows. No so in the hard light of day.

Boot him out. She can house him. Bet it won't be such a thrilling romance then. He'll be broke, living in an expensive tiny private rented room, and moany. Him googling "how to know if someone fancies you" (how old is this man?!) sounds as if he's the one doing the chasing and hoping actually. He probably hadn't spoken about you to her in pleasant fashion.

Sorry OP. You can't be feeling good about this at all. But if you value your self respect and don't want to be dumped anyway in a few months time, then get rid of this man. He won't thank you for letting him stay whilst he pursues a new life under your nose. He will scorn you. He's already checked out of the relationship and 10 years together didn't stop him going elsewhere so, don't put time in your head as any benchmark that will somehow keep him.

Yes you'll be lonely without him but you'll have to go through that horrible as it is, lots of us have to. You will not die for lack of this man. Focus on whatever things make you happy, whatever you have to do to divert you from thinking about him. Raise your children they'll get older you'll have more time and Independence. Make a whole new life for yourself

£25,000 of debt? Goodness has he been bankrolling you OP?

Don't be a mug. Being okay on your own (& you will be) is good for your heart and self esteem.

If he's taking advice from Russell Grant about an office crush then you're way, way better off out.

Capricorn: horny old goats should watch out for unexpected changes of fortune around their homes. Going on an overseas trip? Best pack two bags in case you have to move into a hotel on your return. ETC.

The Capricorn horoscope tho 😂😂😂

You will be so much happier without him once the grieving is over

lucia1968 you say " The awful thing is that she is really unattractive " Maybe that is something you may think, but is it what he thinks? It wouldn't be the first time that guys who are married to or dating what most people call gorgeous women have a fling with someone who is "not attractive".
Just look at the women that some of the footballers or celebrities cheated on their partners with. I'm pretty sure that if the lights are off some guys really don't care as long as they are getting their end away.

I know it can be hard to find things out like this, but sometimes guys are just plain stupid and they don't think of the consequences of their actions. Maybe it is just a bit of flirting because he was bored and wanted a single lifestyle, maybe not. You are the only one that can make the decision as to what you want to do or if the relation is worth saving. just make sure you put some serious ground rules in if and when you take him back :)

Is he like 11?

Who googles horoscope compatibility and how to know if someone fancies you.

Kick him out. He's cheating on you and you are enabling him.

OP you are in a much better position than me - you should seize your chance !

We were not married , house in his name , he was my boss so now i have no job too ! I would love to be in your stronger position.

If I can do it - anyone can !

He doesn't want to fix things with you, he wants to sucker you until he saves up enough to move out and he'll continue to cheat. Even If he hasn't screwed her he's still emotionally cheating.

Stop being a sucker and kick him out now.

If you're feeling spiteful check if his job has rules against him dating subordinates and turn him in for that as well. Some companies have morality clauses as well but it usually requires the cheating employee to be married.

he was messaging someone on Tinder telling her he has not clicked with someone like that for years ! Great ! What am I chopped liver ? haha

I decided that I don't deserve that and you don't either.

Be prepared for the most sorry and contrite man in the world ... I predict he will even start washing up !

Go and see a solicitor and play your cards close to your chest. You can do it x

Get rid. You are worth more.

20 second sex? I get more pleasure than that lying on my front in bed.
25K debts?
A cheat?

OP I think you need a self help book, not a man. He's no catch. I'd rather be alone than live with a loser.

If he had any intention of getting your trust back he would not have changed his passwords etc.
Throw him out ASAP. In fact, change the locks tomorrow and let him know his things are on the doorstep. If he wasn't in your house, you would have had my first LTB.
Please say that the debt is entirely his. Its isn't in joint names is it? You haven't stood guarantor have you?

He came into the relationship with big debt. I am financially secure myself. Own home good job etc. He hasn’t always paid his way and I have not supported him I financially.

Pack up his belonging and he can just pick them up when he comes home from work and leave his key. He wants to stay because he has nowhere else to go that he can afford, nothing to do with love. You deserve way better and he deserves exactly what he's going to get!

Don't be a door mat. And don't take him back when he calls you saying "I've changed "
You can do this stay strong. Best

Yes I financially secure. He is not

@lucia1968 25k of debt and 20second sex , you must msg her this 😂 That would really fuck up their weekend & rightly so imo .

xx

It’s exciting because it’s illicit and it’s all being done under your roof and at your expense. If he had to fend/pay for himself then life would suddenly not look so rosy and he’d have to spend time sorting out his living situation/housework etc and less time flirting with her. You should force him out. Give him a massive dose of reality. If you don’t set boundaries now then he will continue treating you with disrespect and contempt. Don’t stand for it.

Let him go. The trust is destroyed and he will carry on with her or someone else, you’ll always be paranoid if stay Ruth him. Arsehole.