In a horrible situation - newbie need sorting out!

[lucia1968]

I'm new here and need some mumsnet advice on this horrible situation. I have 2 boys from a previous marriage. I have been with my current partner for 10 years - all fine and dandy...or so i thought.
about a month ago he announced that he was bored, bored with his life. he had been a bit distant so i thought maybe he was stressed. I looked at his phone, and saw the following stuff on google...

1. how to know if a woman fancies you x 10 searches
2. flats to rent ( multiple times)
3. Googling a female colleague ( he is her boss) multiple times
4. doing a star sign compatibility test x 3
5. holidays alone

He has also been going out a lot more than ususal.

he told me he was going out with friends from work so when he got back i looked on his phone ..... a whatsapp said.....
"I had an amazing time tonight , your friends are weird but fun.... see you in a few hoursX"
she sent one back See you in a few hours xxxx

So, i kept it quiet and watched the whatsapp.... she whatsapps him all the time.... all day on her day off!!.so i called him out on it.. he said he wants to be single but denied any relationship with her saying they are 'friends' and that i should trust him. So i said about the google stuff and the whatsapp message and he went crazy! so we had a big fight and essentially he had one foot out the door, he begged me to let him stay till he found an apartment. so i did. he started looking and found that non are furnished ( he lives in my house - not married) and it is really expensive. so he said he wanted to fix things with us.... this means me trusting him.
he has locked me out of his media, laptop and changed all his passwords.... i know i shouldn't snoop and i have never done it before but my gut was churning..
He is going away on business with his colleague for a bloody week to Sweden... am i being paranoid or should i just boot him out ... help me!!

He needs to go. He is using you for accommodation. If he can't afford to rent his own flat he can rent a room in a shared house or sofa surf.

Sorry you are going through this

Kick his ass out now, he’s sweetened you up so he has a place to stay. If he was interested in a relationship with why would he lock all his stuff down. Let her have the booby prize and move on

This is really over bar the shouting. Kick him out, the man is having an affair under your very nose. You are solely being used now for a roof over his head.

And as for the 10 years is a long time, do not get stuck on the sunken costs fallacy as that simply causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Tell him he is out this weekend, don't be a mug, op.
He is using you for cheap rent, he can go sofa surf with his new friends while you get your locks changed.
10 years is a long time, unfortunately he has shown how little he thinks of you so don't waste another second on this user.
Absolutely cheeky twat.

Get Rid he's using you and you are letting him do it.

He's only sorry he's been caught. He'll carry on doing exactly the same. Sounds like he's only staying with you as it's cheaper than getting his own place. Nice! Kick him out.

Can your Mum or a friend come over to give you some support?

Seems to me you're being used. Couldnt find anywhere else to stay so decided he couldn't live without you. Bullshit. I'd have his stuff on the door step for him coming back. Hes a dickhead, using bastard.

My concerns

He was going to move out till he figured out it was to expensive

He's locked you out of his media ? You don't need to trust him he needs to earn your trust back.

He needs to be honest with you

Have his stuff waiting on the doorstep when he gets back from Sweden.

He’s discovered he can’t afford to move out so is staying with you until he can.

she really is....and she always starts the messaging off... she was dumped a year ago and he looks just like her ex.... she is pursuing him and he likes it.... flattered?/ whatever.... He is not having a physical relationship.... he is not out until the wee hours and there is no way he could, he is always home at the same time every evening but it seems to be an emotional connection they have that will eventually develop.

Hi OP
this could have been my ex , almost word for word !

I told him be single then - you aint no prize ! it made me realise he is an arsehole.

unfortunately we have lots of finances to untangle and it's taking a while , however I am getting on with my life. He comes and stays a couple of times a week to be with DC. he is thoroughly miserable - maybe the grass isnt greener after all ! I don't mind him being here , I know it's only temporary while I sort my life out. In fact , I am so cheerful and civil to him - probably because I have no feelings whatsoever for him.

what I am trying to say is , it is hard at first and it does hurt to be treated this way. but once you remove the problem ( the relationship) it's amazing how much easier things become, much quicker than you thought.

think of it like removing a splinter !

Good luck op , be prepared for a few bumps in the road , but at the end you will be so much happier. And if you are upset or sad , it doesn't mean you are weak , you are just a normal human being x

So sorry, OP. I also think you should boot him out. You deserve more.

OP, you're already justifying his actions, even though you know he's a twat!

So what if it is always her that starts the messages? He could have told her they were inappropriate. Maybe he was flattered, but he could still be flattered without messaging her back, or meeting up with her without you knowing.

If he doesn't find her attractive, what's with the horoscope compatibility or love calculator stuff??

As harsh as it sounds, you're kidding yourself if you think he's going to stay with you. Even if he doesn't leave now, or with this woman, he'll find someone else, or he'll find the money to move out.

He is having an affair, he's doesn't want to be with you, he's only with you because he can't afford to move out, he's changed all his passwords so he can hide everything from you and he's about to spend a week in Sweden with the woman he actually wants to be with.

You are worth more than this. Don't let him string you along until it's more convenient for him to leave. Kick him the fuck out!

(And her being attractive or not, is besides the point)

Don't be so sure that they are not having a physical relationship, you've mentioned that he is going out a lot more than usual, they work together, they could be taking days off together, going somewhere together in their lunch time, seeing each other when you are busy elsewhere.....

If it s innocent why is protecting his phone etc? He doesn't trust you and you don't trust him, thats a poor basis for a happy relationship.

My guess is that he is using you while he gets his escape plan in place, then you won't see him for dust.

Use the time while he is in Sweden to pack all his kit up, and message him with a time he can collect it.

That is no guarantee of there being no physical affair at all. People get very creative with limited time and high emotions.

You need to dump him - why stay with someone who doesn’t want you?

I’m an idiot - he doesn’t now have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. It’s my house, my stuff etc. I want to kick him out , I really do and your responses have just confirmed what I thought. I feel so unlovable and I’m afraid I will be lonely. I want to send her a message and say she is welcome to him with his 25k debts and 20 second sex.

Well the bottom line is he has told him he wants to be single. Let him.

He has told you not him sorry

eerr doesn't matter if he's cheating or not. he has clearly confirmed that he wants to be single! You can't force someone to be with you if they don't want.

Haaa love what you want to text her

A break up can take a great deal of getting over.
Losing your self respect takes a great deal more.
You have lost any respect for him.
Don’t lose your self respect.

Care for yourself.Stay strong.

I’m not trying to force him to love me. He never said he disnt love me. I’m fact even before he changed his mind he said he love me very much but wanted space.

25K debts and 20-second sex?

I know your heart must be breaking right now, OP, but if you boot him out, I have the strongest sense that one day you'll be so fucking grateful he gave you a reason to end it.

Thank you ☺️