In a horrible situation - newbie need sorting out!

[lucia1968]

I'm new here and need some mumsnet advice on this horrible situation. I have 2 boys from a previous marriage. I have been with my current partner for 10 years - all fine and dandy...or so i thought.
about a month ago he announced that he was bored, bored with his life. he had been a bit distant so i thought maybe he was stressed. I looked at his phone, and saw the following stuff on google...

1. how to know if a woman fancies you x 10 searches
2. flats to rent ( multiple times)
3. Googling a female colleague ( he is her boss) multiple times
4. doing a star sign compatibility test x 3
5. holidays alone

He has also been going out a lot more than ususal.

he told me he was going out with friends from work so when he got back i looked on his phone ..... a whatsapp said.....
"I had an amazing time tonight , your friends are weird but fun.... see you in a few hoursX"
she sent one back See you in a few hours xxxx

So, i kept it quiet and watched the whatsapp.... she whatsapps him all the time.... all day on her day off!!.so i called him out on it.. he said he wants to be single but denied any relationship with her saying they are 'friends' and that i should trust him. So i said about the google stuff and the whatsapp message and he went crazy! so we had a big fight and essentially he had one foot out the door, he begged me to let him stay till he found an apartment. so i did. he started looking and found that non are furnished ( he lives in my house - not married) and it is really expensive. so he said he wanted to fix things with us.... this means me trusting him.
he has locked me out of his media, laptop and changed all his passwords.... i know i shouldn't snoop and i have never done it before but my gut was churning..
He is going away on business with his colleague for a bloody week to Sweden... am i being paranoid or should i just boot him out ... help me!!

The fact that he wants to stay with you just for somewhere to live should tell you everything you need to know.

Also, he screamed at YOU because you found out that HE is cheating?? That's sick!!

Kick him out! You deserve so much better! Xxx

Sorry, we have all been there-it’s shit.
You sound desperate to keep him. Of course he ‘loves’ you, but it won’t stop him carrying on this nonsense or getting his end away in Sweden.

I’d make sure the Sweden trip was properly spoilt by telling him he is leaving before he goes. That will give them something to chat about instead of making goo-goo eyes at each other.

When it is all over- and it will en- at least be able to look back and know you kept your dignity.

I suspect that he is dazzled by the attention, but he sounds pathetic - why would you fight to keep him!

Be sure he knows before Sweden that on his return, he is not coming back to yours. Relationship is over.

£25,000 of debt and 20 second sex - yet you still want him don't you. Some self-help is in order here. In the short-term read done info online re self-worth, getting yourself back on track etc. Maybe have some counselling too.

Its time to determinedly do whatever makes you happy and contented. Fake it till you make it. I'm sure this man will come running back eventually, as it won't be comfortable for him out there. But if you take him back you're setting yourself up for a life of mistrust and arguments just for the sake of having a man. & nothing you do will prevent him leaving again.

i have read all your messages and some hard to read. I think my self esteem is on the floor for the first time in my life. I’m fifty this year and I think this has an impact on my stupid decision making.
I am going to deal with this, as you have mostly said - I need to maintain my dignity and do something about it. When I kicked him out I should have held firm rather than allow him to sweet talk me round. I can see I was weak. I have cried and cried but now I feel more angry - this is a good sign, it means I can move him on and then move on myself. In the words of the great fergie - black eyed peas. It’s time to be a big girl now , big girls don’t cry.

Having been through similar I really feel for you, it's impossible after a long relationship (23 years in my case) to remove emotion from your decision making.
I can tell you that a few years down the road I'm happier than I'd ever be had I let him stay. The feeling of relief and independence is wonderful.
Good luck and keep posting for support x

THAnk you so much for your words.

Be strong Lucia, you can do this. Hold your head up high. You deserve so much better.

Pack his stuff up and send him on his way.

He's only hanging on to you as somewhere to live and a back up plan if it all goes wrong with the other woman.

And being on your own isn't all bad, it's rather good actually. You don't need a bloke, especially one like that