Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family wedding - ds2 not welcome and I feel so hurt

86 replies

TW · 29/07/2004 19:35

This is a situation that I have to deal with but am finding it extremely hard.
Dh's brother is getting married in October. He is great and she is great too (7 yrs younger than me but we get on really well). HOWEVER, when they got engaged they asked ds1 (6 on the day of the wedding) and dd (4) to be page boy and bridesmaid. No mention, literally, of ds2, who will be 2.5 at the time of the wedding. Fair enough. Some people go for them this small, some people think it's a bit too young, and I think I would be inclined to agree. Though I have to say that it simply didn't arise for me as neither I nor dh had young relatives.
I was then told pointedly that ds1 and dd would be the only children at the wedding.
There is under 2 yrs between each of my children and they are a team. I am devastated, truly devastated. I made my mind up that he would be as involved as possible; he'd come with us for the w/e, see all the family, including some coming from abroad etc, but childcare has proved impossible, so I have now had to concede and my parents are driving 3 hours to come to our home to look after him for the weekend. I cry whenever I think about it. I am going to be so gutted to get in the car and drive away from him to such a happy family event in which he is simply not included.
I don't want to speak to the bride as she has an awful lot on her plate (surprisingly). My MIL is I think behind it all and reckons he has no right to be there says it's a "special day" for the other two - as if it is somehow more special because he's not involved. But the worst thing is the way they all seem to think that if they don't actually mention him, it isn't really an issue.
Isn't it completely extraordinary for a niece/nephew of the bride or groom to be quite so deliberately excluded? I have not yet met anyone who hasn't been totally perplexed by this decision.
I need to be able to deal with it. Please advise me if you can. Ds 1 only learnt today that ds2 was not going and there was silence. I just can't see how on earth I am going to enjoy the day.

OP posts:
emkana · 29/07/2004 19:39

Hi,
{{{{{{{hugs{}}}}}}}}} to you, I would be gutted as well and I'm speechless at your dh's family! What does your dh say about it?
To be honest, if I was you I would be very tempted to say that you only come as a complete package, and decline to go if ds2 can't come. There was a thread the other day about children and weddings, did you see it?
I just think it's not on that they ask for your other children to be there as pretty decoration (pageboy and bridesmaid), but leave your ds2 out... The more I think about it, the more angry I get! Tell them to shove their wedding, honestly - it's not on!

emkana · 29/07/2004 19:41

And at 2.5 I'm sure he'll be fine - he can be a page boy too! Or if not that - there will be so much family, so surely there'll always be someone at hand to keep him occupied and possibly take him for a walk if he's bored and playing up?

whizzz · 29/07/2004 19:44

Oh dear that's terrible . I agree you should go as a family - seeing as thats what you are - all of you. Its even worse as its a family wedding. We can't go to a friends wedding in a few weeks as its not child friendly & its at the other end of the country. Maybe if/when they have kids they will understand.

mummytosteven · 29/07/2004 19:48

i find your relatives behaviour quite bizarre and inconsistent tbh. either children are allowed or not allowed - and why on earth should you let them use your older two as ornaments, and exile the youngest one? i think you and your husband should speak to the bride and groom and explain that your family will not enjoy the wedding without ds2, and so will all be attending.

jampot · 29/07/2004 19:51

I would be horrified TW if this happened to me/my family. What an utter cheek to leave out 1/5th of a family just because of age. I can understand your BIL & SIL wanting a "child free" zone but should maybe have considered other "less cute" options instead of asking your other two children. I would ask dh to have a word with his brother and explain the complexities of this.

coppertop · 29/07/2004 20:05

It seems incredibly cheeky. "You can bring the eldest two because we can use them but keep the little one away in case they spoil it all." I agree with the others - get dh to talk it over with them. This situation is very unfair.

Freckle · 29/07/2004 20:08

Totally unacceptable. They want to make use of your 2 children so that they have the typical cute pageboy and bridesmaid but expect you to leave your youngest at home. I'm surprised that your dh hasn't blown a stack. I agree that you should say you come as a complete package or they can do without their cute pageboy and bridesmaid.

fruitful · 29/07/2004 20:11

Totally outrageous! Tell them you charge a hefty fee for hiring out your children to weddings!

Seriously, what do ds1 and dd think about it? Could ds1 phone his uncle and say "please can ds2 come or else we will all be sad"?.

Of course, you could say nothing, and just take him on the day. If noone else is mentioning him, you don't mention him either. On the day of the wedding if anyone says anything you can look surprised/bewildered and then say how lovely the bride looks. But that would probably be quite stressful for you between now and then.

daisy1999 · 29/07/2004 20:12

I would say all or none. It would be different if they said no children at all but to leave out one is cruel. They just want the other two as props. Tell them to shove it up their nuptials!

WideWebWitch · 29/07/2004 20:13

I'm with the others, tell them it's not on.

hercules · 29/07/2004 20:13

Tell em to F off!
Your're a package- all or none.

littlemissbossy · 29/07/2004 20:15

I agree with daisy! How can you have two and leave one child at home?? No way - I'm sorry but I'd words with them - there's no reason why he couldn't be dressed as a page boy even though he will probably want to sit with you

Angeliz · 29/07/2004 20:16

AWFUL

I simply would not have invited ANY kids if i felt so strongly about a two year old attending!!(which i wouldn't, i think weddings are 'family' occasions!).

Some people seem to lose all sense of decency when they are getting hitched!

emmatmg · 29/07/2004 20:19

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?

There is no way I would stand for that. I'd find it REALLY hard not to say "well if we can't bring him along then you'll have to find another bridemaid and page boy"

But thats me and my big mouth running away with itself.

If I was in your situation I'd find it hard to go to the wedding at all.

very on your behalf.

marthamoo · 29/07/2004 20:21

I am appalled by that. I hate confrontation but, tbh, I would ring up and say either they all come or none of them come. I know some people don't want any children at their wedding and I guess that's their prerogative but to just have two token children and exclude their brother? That's dreadful. I can't believe they have thought this through properly: all the guests at the wedding are going to ask where ds2 is and I imagine there would be a lot of raised eyebrows when you say "he wasn't invited." You're a family - you can't take 2 of your children and not the other. I am livid on your behalf

Original poster
TW · 29/07/2004 20:24

Bother. I wanted someone to help me be grown up and sensible about this. Problem is I don't think I am going to find anyone who doesn't think it's appalling.
I just don't know with dh. Very early on, before it was even mentioned to the older two, dh said "all or nothing" to his bro, but it was on the phone and I don't know what the reaction was. Now, I think he feels sad that the little one won't be there, but really feels it's up to the bride and groom. You know what men are like anyway, they are able to distance themselves from things (especially family issues) and anyway it's the mother who tends to be fiercely protective.
I know you are right, all of you. I just don't want to create a scene. It's their day, and I think her mother isn't being very easy, and heaven knows it's stressful enough as it is for a bride.
What do you think of this - I thought at first of saying this to the bride, but then I thought maybe it would be better to say it to my BIL - "I just want to check that there hasn't been a misunderstanding here - do you really not want him there? It's just that there's been no mention at all of him and it would be awful if I had misinterpreted this, as it really is very difficult for me to contemplate leaving him behind."
Incidentally, very early on (they got engaged in Feb) I stamped my foot and said to dh that if ds wasn't going I wasn't going and he flipped, told me I was being ridiculous - of course I shall have to be in charge of the other two (dh is an usher) and dh would want me there. Back then I was hoping (assuming, even)that the Happy Couple would realise the error of their ways and change their minds but time is ticking by and no such luck which is why I am becoming so distraught.
How else can I do it, without causing huge upset and being a primadonna?

OP posts:
jampot · 29/07/2004 20:28

Give me their number, I'll call them for you!!!

marthamoo · 29/07/2004 20:29

Could you - I don't know if your dh would go along with this (men, pah!) - just take him? Just "crack daft" as we say up North and take him with you. Surely they are not going to chuck him out for gatecrashing? If they did say anything just look blank and say "but..how could we leave him behind?"

Original poster
TW · 29/07/2004 20:29

lots more of you have posted since I started my last bit. Do you really think I can kick up a fuss now after having gone along with it this far? dd has her dress, ds1 is sorted with his outfit, there have been many discussions, and as I said earlier, I have already conceded and arranged to leave ds2 at home. Surely it's a qu of "speak now or forever hold your peace" and I didn't speak now. The reason for that being I was sure they'd come round without my intervention.

OP posts:
Original poster
TW · 29/07/2004 20:31

Marthmoo. You wouldn't even entertain the idea if you knew my mother-in-law.
It would upset an awful lot of people. Again, if I had decided from the outset that that would be my tack, OK, but I have already discussed openly childcare and accommodation plans that don't include him.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 29/07/2004 20:36

I think they are being so wholly and totally unreasonable that actually, yes, you can put your foot down at this stage - call their bluff, I bet they won't want to rearrange their precious pageboy/bridesmaid arrangements. I can't believe their whole idea actually, that somehow your ds isn't part of your family and isn't invited because he's 2. Can you show your dh this thread, might that help him realise what tossers they're being?

zaphod · 29/07/2004 20:37

I think thats absolutely appalling. I'd be tempted to just bring him, and claim that your babysitting arrangements all fell through, so that you had no choice. No wonder you're angry and upset.

WideWebWitch · 29/07/2004 20:39

I think you are allowed to say: actually, I've thought about it and the more I've thought about it the more I think it's totally unreasonable and unkind to invite my 2 older children because they're useful to you but not my youngest. I want him there, he's part of my family AND yours and I don't want to make arrangements to leave him with someone. So either he comes or we all stay at home. But then that's me and maybe you want to handle it differently.

daisy1999 · 29/07/2004 20:40

I would love to be rude to them if they were my relatives but I think I would probably say, "I fully understand you not wanting children at your wedding but we really can't come without ds2 as he and the other children would be so upset by it." I would make it clear that I wasn't expecting them to change their plans and just say we wouldn't be able to attend. With any luck they may reconsider but if not do you care anyway?

mummytosteven · 29/07/2004 20:40

agree with Zaphod. given that your parents would have to seriously inconvenience themselves to look after DS, i don't think it would be more than a white lie. of course you could always tell your parents that it would help if they were no longer available.

Swipe left for the next trending thread