Family wedding - ds2 not welcome and I feel so hurt

[TW]

This is a situation that I have to deal with but am finding it extremely hard.
Dh's brother is getting married in October. He is great and she is great too (7 yrs younger than me but we get on really well). HOWEVER, when they got engaged they asked ds1 (6 on the day of the wedding) and dd (4) to be page boy and bridesmaid. No mention, literally, of ds2, who will be 2.5 at the time of the wedding. Fair enough. Some people go for them this small, some people think it's a bit too young, and I think I would be inclined to agree. Though I have to say that it simply didn't arise for me as neither I nor dh had young relatives.
I was then told pointedly that ds1 and dd would be the only children at the wedding.
There is under 2 yrs between each of my children and they are a team. I am devastated, truly devastated. I made my mind up that he would be as involved as possible; he'd come with us for the w/e, see all the family, including some coming from abroad etc, but childcare has proved impossible, so I have now had to concede and my parents are driving 3 hours to come to our home to look after him for the weekend. I cry whenever I think about it. I am going to be so gutted to get in the car and drive away from him to such a happy family event in which he is simply not included.
I don't want to speak to the bride as she has an awful lot on her plate (surprisingly). My MIL is I think behind it all and reckons he has no right to be there says it's a "special day" for the other two - as if it is somehow more special because he's not involved. But the worst thing is the way they all seem to think that if they don't actually mention him, it isn't really an issue.
Isn't it completely extraordinary for a niece/nephew of the bride or groom to be quite so deliberately excluded? I have not yet met anyone who hasn't been totally perplexed by this decision.
I need to be able to deal with it. Please advise me if you can. Ds 1 only learnt today that ds2 was not going and there was silence. I just can't see how on earth I am going to enjoy the day.

TW, just wanted to say not to be afraid of a confrontation/ discussion / whatever you want to call it. People often dread the thought that having an argument may cause a rift, but sometimes holding your tongue also causes a rift - because the person who is fuming gets more and more resentful and it drives a wedge between them anyway. So they might as well have had it out in the first place.
Hope it goes well for you!

Blimey TW and I thought I had wedding/children problems.
This is absolutely outrageous. You said earlier taht this is their wedding so they can have what the want, but that doesn't mean you have to do exactly what they want. I think you do need to say that if ds2 doesn't come, then you don't - lovely as it would be to say that the five of you come as a package that would be too upsetting to the two oldest.
My cousin, who I was v. close to, got married when I was 14. He wanted me to be bridesmaid, but "couldn't" invite my Mum and Dad(a devoted godfather as well as uncle), or my brother (7) and sister (1) to the wedding due to costs (which we realised was complete bull when we saw that the next door neighbour and his mother were there) and only Mum and Dad were invited to the evening - no kids. This was 200 miles from home. So I went for the service and reception, and then we all went out as a family afterwards. If they are complete areseholes and point blank refuse to have your ds2 there, would that be an option? dd and ds1 could play their part in the service so they don't miss out, and then the 5 of you could do something else instead of going to their poxy party.

TW, glad you've come to a decision about what to do. I really hope you can sort it out and they see sense.

We are all rooting for you .

Been thinking some more about this TW and I think that your DH is being less than helpful. The line about you having to look after the other two because he is an usher doesn't stand up that well. I am sure that once or twice since the birth of your DS2 you have managed to look after your three children together....

I think you are being very thoughtful and sensible about this. So good luck.

I have not read the other replies but think it is just the kind of thing people without children do! I have personally known several wedding related incidents similar to this one.

My kids are 5,3, and2 and like you it would be unthinkable to exclude the youngest but I remember in my prechild days thinking it was a waste of a place to have tiny kids at weddings!

They basically want the older two kids as decoration at the wedding to "complete" the bridal party.

They mean no harm.
They probably don't understand how much a two and a half year old will understand!

Harsh as it may seem, they don't want wee kids at their wedding.At the end of the day it is their wedding and they can invite whom they chose.

I suspect if and when they have kids of their own they may look back with embarrassment

yep, I agree that this is completely outrageous!!As other people have said,what is it with this " no children at weddings bollocks?" Children make weddings into lovely family occasions, rather than just posh piss ups.We had an invitation to a wedding that was to take place when ds2 was 3weeks old...and the children were only invited to the evening do.The wedding was 4/5 hours away from home.What did they expect us to do with the kids? leave them in the car??? We declined the invitation!!
Feel you can't really pull your other kids out of the wedding at this stage as it could cause long term family feuds etc.I think I would say something like " Oh mum and dad can't have Jack the weekend of the wedding so we will be bringing him after all,ok"Don't give them a chance to say no.
By the way the wedding I was talking about,the bride and groom all year,if anything happened that they didn't like they were saying " I can't believe this is happening in the most important year of our lives etc" " you can't spoil the most important day of my life!!!
GROW UP!!!!!

by the way ALL my little cousins,nephews nieces,friends kids etc were invited to my wedding and the hotel did kids meals and they were all a delight.And there were no sad mums,missing their little ones.

alexsmum, i don't agree...dh and i got married at 4.30pm in winter with an evening reception, only invited 40 people (20 each, once v close family out the way,not many at all) and had a no children rule for many reasons: it was in the evening, it was v small, we figured the people with kids could do with a luxurious break (we put them up in the lovely hotel we had the reception in)...however, i think that having some children and not others is outrageous and i couldn't leave one of my children behind (if i had more than one, only just had first ds!)...either you have children or you don't (which imo is absolutely fair enough, there are some types of wedding that are not for children) not in between tho...my sympathies TW...i'd tell them how you feel fwiw...

Good luck TW. Far better to say something than leave it to fester.

Hope the confrontation goes well. I think you do need to have this out with them in the nicest possible way.

Imagine how you'd feel if, once you all were at the wedding minus ds2, the couple asked where he was and said 'of course he could have come of there had been a problem, we just didn't realise it would be a problem....'

Far fetched? possibly, but as they haven't mentioned him in the plans and brushed the issue under the carpet, they could, on the day ( when it's too late to do anything about it) try to be all innocent, deny the exclusion tactic and try and pushing the guilt onto you.

I am completely astounded at why you would want to spend a day with these people!