Family wedding - ds2 not welcome and I feel so hurt

[TW]

This is a situation that I have to deal with but am finding it extremely hard.
Dh's brother is getting married in October. He is great and she is great too (7 yrs younger than me but we get on really well). HOWEVER, when they got engaged they asked ds1 (6 on the day of the wedding) and dd (4) to be page boy and bridesmaid. No mention, literally, of ds2, who will be 2.5 at the time of the wedding. Fair enough. Some people go for them this small, some people think it's a bit too young, and I think I would be inclined to agree. Though I have to say that it simply didn't arise for me as neither I nor dh had young relatives.
I was then told pointedly that ds1 and dd would be the only children at the wedding.
There is under 2 yrs between each of my children and they are a team. I am devastated, truly devastated. I made my mind up that he would be as involved as possible; he'd come with us for the w/e, see all the family, including some coming from abroad etc, but childcare has proved impossible, so I have now had to concede and my parents are driving 3 hours to come to our home to look after him for the weekend. I cry whenever I think about it. I am going to be so gutted to get in the car and drive away from him to such a happy family event in which he is simply not included.
I don't want to speak to the bride as she has an awful lot on her plate (surprisingly). My MIL is I think behind it all and reckons he has no right to be there says it's a "special day" for the other two - as if it is somehow more special because he's not involved. But the worst thing is the way they all seem to think that if they don't actually mention him, it isn't really an issue.
Isn't it completely extraordinary for a niece/nephew of the bride or groom to be quite so deliberately excluded? I have not yet met anyone who hasn't been totally perplexed by this decision.
I need to be able to deal with it. Please advise me if you can. Ds 1 only learnt today that ds2 was not going and there was silence. I just can't see how on earth I am going to enjoy the day.

go tgb!

Just read your most recent posts TW and yep, they have been VERY manipulative. Most unpleasant.

Hope you manage to resolve it.

I agree with everyone. Perhaps when you are talking to them about ds2 you could also ask them what plans they had made for childcare for ds1 and dd as you will be busy enjoying the wedding and your dh will be an usher, so who will be looking after the children?

TW, like everyone else here I think you've every right to be very upset about this. Maybe the 'happy couple' are just very, very thoughtless and selfish. But I do think you are going to have to challenge them about this. Some good suggestions here about how to do this (and I think you are probably right about approaching BIL first).
I know from my own family how the child who is always left out feels. To this day, my sister still reacts to certain situations because my father's family made it repeatedly clear that she wasn't valued (she should have been a boy, according to them). And frankly being the grandchild who was spoilt didn't do much for me either; once I was old enough to realise that they preferred me to my sister it was very upsetting. She was my baby sister and I loved her and wanted to defend her! And it made me feel very guilty, even though there was nothing I could do to change the situation.
Long-winded way of saying, I don't think this situation is good for any of your kids, including the eldest two.
Really hope that they back down when you tackle them. So unfair.
HTH

Gosh, after that rant, have only just remembered that once my sister was chosen as a bridesmaid while I was just a guest ? at my father's second wedding! That really hurt.

Good news is I obviously got over it since have only just remembered, 23 years later.

Hope this all works out for you and your gorgeous dd and dses.

SofiaAmes - childcare is a good one - this will get everyone ranting even more... they have done nothing to help me at all. No help on childcare, no help on accom. The reception is at the bride's house and although I suggested it in several different ways, the kids crashing out in the bride's house is not an option BUT they have provided no other suggestions whatsoever to try to help me find suitable accom close by.
tgb, you are right, the blow about ds2 was indeed not struck until the others had been reeled in. hadn't thought about that but it's a very good point. and edam thank you. you are absolutely right and I really must stick to my guns on this and be a good mother and follow my instinct. That maternal one.
Have, of course, had many thoughts all through the night and thought of all sorts of things I can say. but the bottom line is that is he's not going, I'm not going. I shall be there to make sure the others perform, but I'm not leaving my little one on his own.
We had a no-children policy, but really only about three of our friends had children at that stage. I think that there comes a point with young couples where their lives change from being completely child-free, because a) their family and b) their frinds have kids. I think that before this change it is fair that they should not want their vows disrupted, by chit-chatting from a toddler or crying from a one-yr-old. AS a guest it is also very annoying if you can't hear a thing if someone else's child is making a din. IMO, once you pass that "child-free" line into "fact-of-life" you then have to accept the situation. I have been to several weddings where they have said "we would prefer no children at the service" but have laid on a creche. Makes sense.
So I do see to a very small degree where the Happy Couple are coming from, but this is part of the thing that upsets me - the denial. Because no-one has actually discussed him, I think they feel OK about their "rule" - I think they only have one other set of friends with a baby.
Ranting on now.

TW,

I've just read this thread and really feel for you. I echo all the other comments about this being unreasonable. You are a family and this is really unfair. Of course, your youngest should be included. The post by tgb summed things up so well.

BTW, at my recent wedding, ds2 (then 7 months) cried very loudly all the way through the ceremony (a case of bad wedding timing - lunch was late!). At one point, the registrar said to us that she felt that she would have to ask the baby to leave (?!). I told her that he was my son and that he would be staying!! Basically, I'm saying stick to your guns - you know you're right.

Apologies for rambling a bit!

Something similar happened to me - when DS was 4weeks old. I was "told" that he would not be welcome at BILs wedding. I worried about it - as I was gobsmacked that a member of the family was being excluded in such a happy family occasion.

Finally I plucked up the courage and spoke to both of them - and did the emotional mother line - in that I was very happy for them blah blah - BUT I could not go without DS.

They were mortified - as it turned out that MIL was the one who didn't want DS and she had been doing all the muck spreading. She had told BIL that I would be more comfortable without DS so that I could relax and enjoy the day.
When they saw it from my point of view and that we were a family and DS would be no problem for me they were very apologetic!
Stupid MIL was the one who didn't want the hassle / or more likely the limelight taken away from her.

Stick to your guns girl and go for what you KNOW is right.

Seeing the strength of feeling and shock on this thread (which I am in complete agreement) I think I'd show it to dh and any reasonable person would see past the fact that this is his brother and sil we're talking about and that this situation is apalling. Stick to your guns - you have 3 children, not 2 and you are a family. You come as a package. Children are not a convenience, they are a blessing and what better place for them than a wedding? It's not like you are distant relatives or friends who hardly see them - this is family!

I cant beleive people are so selfish about this. he is their nephew FFS! why dont they want him there? I would MAKE my dh say something, if he didnt I wouldnt go and if he wanted to take the other two children I would let him. But do they really want to split your family like this? At what benefit is it to them that their other nephew doesnt go? Do they realkise if they carry on like this it will cause future problems and make the family quite unsettled? I doubt they do. i would be angry too

Incidentally are they getting married in church? This was brought up on another thread a few weeks ago. One of the main reasons of a christian marriage is to have children. This is the Methodist viewpoint (sorry I couldnt find the CofE one but it is quite similar)

"Christian marriage has a two-fold purpose - fellowship and parenthood. Permanence in the union is an essential condition. It both expresses and develops not only constancy in affection, but also spiritual qualities of trust, faithfulness, mutual consideration, reverence and love"

If they are getting married in church I would say they are being very hypocritical of one of the main reasons for getting married under the christian faith. maybe you should point this out to them. (says she who hasnt got a religious bone in her body!)

Am equally shocked and would also say that I consider Nieces and nephews immediate family that would have to be invited to a wedding whatever their age.. I had a "child-free" wedding (only cos I have too many cousins) but that didn't include my nieces of 10 years/9years/6 months and nephew of 6 years - who I would just assume come as part of the package of my brothers and sisters - even if I didn't want them at the wedding for themselves. I truly think one of the bizarest(know this isn't spelt correctly) things here is not inviting your brothers children to a wedding - and to exclude one is appalling!

God, I'm livid ! I posted an answer on here and just as I was about to click 'post' my connection died.... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I'm shocked at this one TW. I'm a mum of 3 too (12, 10.5, almost 2), and as tempted as I would be to tell them to stuff their stupid wedding up their arses (sorry!), I'd be conscious of 'punishing' the older 2 for BIL & SIL's ignorance. Although I think this would only be the case if your older 2 were excited about being attendants. I think I'd make my displeasure clear to whoever made the decision and DH would chaperone the older 2 at the wedding and I'd take the youngest off for a lovely day out.

I know that my suggestion isn't ideal, but for me it would be the only solution. Of course if the older 2 weren't bothered about their 'roles' in the wedding then we'd all stay at home....

message withdrawn

only just seen this TW - agree that it's an outrage. All good advice here. I would definitely say something but that's just me. Poor DS2

Is it possible to say that ds1 and dd are going to be upset if ds2 is not there, and therefore won't "perform" as well? You mentioned that ds1 went silent when he was told that ds2 wasn't going to be there.

If you say you think you see your MILs hand in this, then defintiely you should speak to BIL and SIL-to-be with her NOT present. Explain that the children (ALL the children) will be upset if one of the is left out, and and that you are happy to take responsibility for ds2. Point out though that your CHILDREN will find it strange that only 2 of them are directly involved. Ds1 is definitely old enought to understand alhough it is probably less of an issue for ds2 - he is unlikely to remember the day.

How mature is ds1? Is he "grown up" enough to look after ds2 if he were to be a page boy too? Is that something you could suggest?

TW I really don't understand your inlaws, your DH is active part of the wedding, your other 2 children are part of the wedding and YOU are part of the wedding (you are expected to go through the problem of finding dresses, adjustments, organise and take care of the pageboy and bridesmaid... and the only one who is not useful to them is left out? I would say that you come in a package and it's all or none, however I understand that may not be possible so... in that case I would organise a nice day out with my little boy and let dear MIL to take care, organise and put to sleep the older ones at the wedding. You can always say that you couldn't find childcare, is not fair on your family either to travel for 3 hrs just because your inlaws found that a single member of your family has no use in their wedding.

I totally agree with everything that's been said on this thread but I also know in RL I am not brave and hate confrontation. However, one thing that always makes me braver as far as the kids are concerned is knowing that they can't speak for themselves - I have to do it for them. Your DS2 will quite understandably be devastated at being left out and will certainly not understand why, so it's up to you/your DH to stand up for him.

Is there anyone locally who could be employed as a "babysitter" for the day e.g. someone from your child(ren)'s nursery? That way you can assure the couple that your DS2 will have no impact whatsoever on their perfect day (PAH!) plus you would be able to enjoy the evening knowing someone was watching over them (assuming they're allowed to fall asleep in the house - maybe the dog kennel would be more appropriate ) .

My aunt has 4 children. The 2 youngest were excluded from a family wedding invitation so none of them went (bit difficult though in your case). I think you should say your parents can't babysit (something has "come up" so either he goes or only your dh and ds1 and dd go and you and ds2 go and do something nice for the day.

Oh this is not on. White lies to the rescue here, if you want to keep the peace and bring your three children.

Talk to the BIL alone (sounds best to me). Say you did get childminding sorted out for your youngest but it's fallen through, no chance of finding someone else that your dear ds3 would like to spend time with - he can't be left with just any old person. And what's more, now your older two children know he is not coming they are distraught. They want to be together. The whole day will be ruined for them if your youngest stays behind. Then do the acting puzzled routine - is it a problem if ds2 goes, you're not sure if that's what they really meant when this was first talked about.

See what happens. If the answer is still a firm no then say you'll be staying behind to look after all three children. Sorry about the sudden lack of pageboys and bridesmaids but you hope they understand.

Incidently dh and I am going to a wedding tomorrow - registary office 10.00am, sit down meal, strictly no children till after 4.00 pm when there is a buffet. So my perfectly civilised sons, aged nearly 5 and 10 will be with a babysitter. And who are the happly couple? young people not used to children? NO!!! they are both senior teachers, one head of an early years centre and the other a primary school teacher.

That's possibly why your friends don't want kids there tigermoth

Agree with all the outrage expressed so far. If it's deliberate then they're mean-spirited people

Yes, I have gained a lot of strength and much inspiration from all your suggestions. Again, huge thanks. The white lie thing about my parents not being able to come won't work. They all know they are going to come (which I only arranged a week ago - in fact they coudln't make the commitment until then which was why I was looking for childcare local to the wedding) but also I don't see why I SHOULD bloomin' lie about it. I want to TELL them that I physically won't be able to leave him behind, that everyone would be upset - including him. One of you said about the fact that there has been no discussion, so maybe all my distress could be avoided if there were discussion, and that is absolutely right. I have swung back now to thinking the bride is the best target, and I am going to say to her that the whole family, but especially me, would find it too upsetting to leave him at home, so I shall be bring him with us (the wedding is about an hour and a half away), and as there had been no specific mention of him, perhaps the reservations I have been led to believe that they have about him being there could be resolved through discussion. I just find it so extraordinary and very unnatural that there was no "we would love to have him there but our concerns are xxx" Then if they had said they didn't want him ruining the service I could have said straight away that I would never allow that to happen ie would remove him as soon as he kicked off. Not that he would misbehave but he does like to be involved so he woul want to stand with the bride or something!
I know both B- adn SIL are away this weekend so I shall have to brood for a little longer but I promise that I shall keep you posted. Really hesitant about the confrontation, btw!!

Confrontation is horrible, but if you don't deal with this now, imagine how you'll feel in the future - it'll fester for ages. (Sounds like you've decided to deal with it and well done for making that decision on behalf of your little boy). Don't feel bad about changing the original arrangements - you have the right to change your mind.
Ran this one past my dh (not known for unneccesary displays of emotion, but a softie where kids are concerned). He was astounded. Said 'they should either take him or not go'
We have recently been subjected to this kind of thing at the hands of family members who should have known better, so feel for you.
Good luck. You are doing the right thing to sort it out. Will be thinking of you and catching up to see how you got on.

Sounds like a good plan to me TW. Well done! (Hope that doesn't sound patronising)