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Original poster

How can I forgive my bf for lying about taking drugs behind back?

89 replies

KelB24 · 06/02/2018 10:11

Hi,
On Saturday morning, I found out my bf of two years has been regularly taking cocainne behind back, about 3 times a week. He did drugs before we got together he was a daily weed smoker and did cocaine as well on occasions. Every one of his friends takes drugs, with one of his closest friends being a drug dealer. so can get easy access to drugs. We have a 10 month old son. He was taking weed around me until about a month before my son was born, but I hated it and got him to stop cause all it did was cause arguments. I refuse to have my son grow up around drugs, my partner knows this and I've told him often enough. Anyway the only reason I found out was because as I seen a video on his phone a message popped up on screen asking if he had money for him, now he's the drug dealer and I asked him what does he mean? He replied it must have been for someone else but I knew he was lying. Anyway I was up feeding my son in the morning and his phone was sitting so I checked his phone and that's when I found out. I'm so hurt and devasted cause not only did he lie he brought drugs into our home, around my son. He was taking it in our family car. Possibly having it on him whilst my son and I were in the car. I've asked for advice from friends. He says he has been doing it since September since he was around at his friends(the drug dealer) and ever since then he's been taking it about 3 times a week. I'm still unsure I'm trying to forgive but I'm struggling. I don't know if I can I want to but I hate what he has done to me and I've got zero trust in him 😭

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 06/02/2018 10:15

Why do you want to be with someone that takes drugs? Let’s face it he is hardly going to set your child a good example is he

Do yourself and your child a favour end this relationship, ffs don’t “forgive” him!

Justmuddlingalong · 06/02/2018 10:16

He knows exactly where you stand on drug taking. He chooses to ignore that.

Offred · 06/02/2018 10:18

I refuse to have my son grow up around drugs.

OR

How can I forgive my bf for lying about taking drugs behind back?

Pick one.

You can’t have both.

You had a child with a guy who takes drugs and is really deeply involved in a whole lifestyle that revolves around drugs.

You can’t change that.

All you can do is decide whether you want that lifestyle for your son or not and if not then you need to get your son out of it.

Chaosofcalm · 06/02/2018 10:19

There is nothing in your post to suggest he is going to stop this on going issue.

unmumsyma · 06/02/2018 10:20

its disrespectful, also.. imagine if you got pulled over and he had drugs in the car with you and your son.. the police would arrest you both and call social services! he's is being very stupid and irresponsible!

These days so many people do cocaine.. its everywhere loads of people I know do when out drinking and that's up to them.. but bringing in to your family environment is a big NO !

OnTheRise · 06/02/2018 10:25

He'd rather take drugs and lie to you about it than be honest and respect your wishes.

It didn't happen once: it's been going on for six months, at least.

You're right not to trust him again.

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Original poster
KelB24 · 06/02/2018 10:26

He says he'll never do it again. But what happens when he goes around and visits friends will he then, offred that's what worries me he does have a lifestyle that resolves around drugs and it's not a lifestyle I want for me or my son and that's what scares me. I'm so hurt and upset but I want to forgive but I'm not sure I can after all he knew where I stood on drugs yet he still went and did it knowing full well I hate them. Bringing them into my home, endangering our son, I don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Offred · 06/02/2018 10:26

If this were happening to me I’d be taking his phone to the police station TBH.

Offred · 06/02/2018 10:27

Why do you want to forgive?

Offred · 06/02/2018 10:29

I am expecting; ‘He’s a really lovely partner and a great father, it is just this one thing’ BTW...

But no, he’s neither a great partner nor a great father...

Mxyzptlk · 06/02/2018 10:31

Has he now given up drugs? Do you believe him if he says he has?

unmumsyma is right, you and your son could find yourselves in trouble with social services.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/02/2018 10:32

I would not forgive him. Your son deserves better than that.

If you do forgive him and stay with him your son will grow up around drugs. If SS become aware you could lose your son.

Yes, breaking up will be hard, yes it is not the life and family you wanted for yourself and your son but this man will never be the partner you deserve.

Please forget about forgiveness and focus on an exit plan.

Mxyzptlk · 06/02/2018 10:35

Fwiw, I wouldn't believe him.
He's been doing it all this time and you haven't known. Of course he'll do it again at his mates' places. And probably he'll get another phone so you won't see messages.

Graphista · 06/02/2018 10:36

I do not understand why you chose to be with a junkie and have a child with him. Sorry but that's what he is.

The drugs and his drug lifestyle friends are more important to him than you or your son.

Your son should be your priority not this loser who could well put you at risk of losing your son altogether.

Get rid. I'd also be pushing for supervised contact because I wouldn't trust this idiot not to take and have drugs around a very young and vulnerable child - actually if I'm completely honest he would not be seeing his son unless he quit and was proven clean for a year.

Weezol · 06/02/2018 10:40

It sounds like he's driving while drugged up. This is the same as drink driving. Same risks of crashing, killing someone or getting arrested. The police now carry out roadside drug tests. If he's doing coke three times a week, the coke will be in his system for 24hrs minimum. So he's driving drugged six days out of seven. Is your son in the car with a drug driver? Is he looking after your son while high?

Addicts lie. And lie all the time. I'd be very surprised if it's only 3 times a week. If the dealer is chasing the money, it's only a matter of time before he offers to let your partner 'work off the debt' by doing a bit of street/club dealing. Then you'll be living with a dealer.

If this sounds harsh, it's meant to. The reason that films, books and tv programmes are full of cliches is because the cliches are true. Addicts and dealers follow well trodden paths of behaviour with very little variation. It is in your power to decide whether you and your son get pulled into the chaos around the corner.

Police and Social Services are the better parts of the chaos.

Original poster
KelB24 · 06/02/2018 11:20

Every one of you have said what has been going through my head. The reason I want to forgive him is because he is a great father, and he is also a lovable partner to me too. He says he'll not do it again, but deep down I don't think I believe him, he wouldn't have done it if he respected me and our son, cause he knew my views towards drugs. Graphista I know your right about why did I even have a child with him, and your right that's why I feel I have to give him a second chance because I knew about his drug use, but I thought he would change and I thought he did.

We both have completely different views on drugs, always have done. I've took any drugs in my life, I've not even smoked or tried a cigarette. Whereas he's tried loads of different things apart from the harder stuff like herion and crack cocaine. Are we too different people to make this work?

OP posts:
Original poster
KelB24 · 06/02/2018 11:22

Meant to say have not took any drugs in my life

OP posts:
Weezol · 06/02/2018 11:26

He is a drug abusing criminal with no respect for you or your child. He is endangering you, your child, your home and your property. He will not change. This is not a relationship. This is not love. This will never work. Get him out of the house as soon as possible.

Is that clear enough for you?

SendintheArdwolves · 06/02/2018 11:28

I refuse to have my son grow up around drugs, my partner knows this and I've told him often enough

So now you have to stand by that - if you stay with you partner, you child will continue to grow up around drugs. Note I say "continue" - it is already happening.

He says he'll not do it again, but deep down I don't think I believe him

Why would you believe him? You've had serious discussions about this in the past, he knows that you don't want him to take drugs, and yet he has done it anyway.

I thought he would change and I thought he did

But now you know he didn't change.

Honestly, OP, I know that this isn't what you want to hear, but you can't trust him - all that will change is that he will put a bit more effort into hiding his drug use from you.

Are we too different people to make this work?

Yes. You think that his drug use is unacceptable and he thinks it's fine. You won't get him to change his point of view - you might get him to SAY that he won't take drugs again, that he's so sorry, that he gets it, he didn't realise how important is was but NOW he's seen the light, etc. It will be bullshit. Fundamentally, he doesn't see the problem.

WunWegWunDarWun · 06/02/2018 11:31

He's taken drugs as long as you've known him and longer, he's lied about it, every single one of his friends does it... He's not going to give it up. Unless he's planning on never seeing hjis friends again and getting help?! Which sounds very unlikely from what you've written.

It's not so much a question of you trusting him again, it's a question of whether or not you want to spend the rest of your lives with a drug user.

Graphista · 06/02/2018 11:33

He is NOT a good father. A good father doesn't have drugs around their child nor drives under the influence (is he driving your child under the influence? If so you need to stop that now) nor risks his child ending up in care due to the presence and use of drugs.

It's not just your views they are illegal and dangerous.

Addicts lie a LOT because their priority is the addiction and while they're in the grip they will do all they can to feed the addiction. Everything and everyone else is a very distant second.

I too am sceptical it's "only" 3 times a week. If that's how often he's seeing the dealer chances are he's bringing home more to do him the days in between.

brewsandbooks · 06/02/2018 11:51

If someone is spending money and time on drugs that does not make them a good farther

If he lies to you and is disappearing 3 times a week that doesn't make him a lovable partner.

You need to re read your original post and think what you would say to someone who wrote that, you can't want more for your son and forgive him? That isn't possible !!

You have a big discussion ahead of you! I hope you do what's right ! This doesn't have to be your life or your sons

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 06/02/2018 11:57

I refuse to have my son grow up around drugs
Yet you chose to have a child with someone who was using weed daily from the off?

He's NOT a good father if he's sniffing a significant part of his income up his nose.

DragonNoodleCake · 06/02/2018 11:57

I wouldn't forgive that - full stop.

PsychedelicSheep · 06/02/2018 11:59

Cocaine is such a wankers drug too, it’s the worst. In my experience it’s often people who have feelings of inadequacy that get drawn to it, coz it makes them feel like a big man.

It’s got such a negative vibe and energy around it, it’s horrible stuff. And I say that as someone with a very relaxed attitude to recreational drugs generally.