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Original poster

How can I forgive my bf for lying about taking drugs behind back?

89 replies

KelB24 · 06/02/2018 10:11

Hi,
On Saturday morning, I found out my bf of two years has been regularly taking cocainne behind back, about 3 times a week. He did drugs before we got together he was a daily weed smoker and did cocaine as well on occasions. Every one of his friends takes drugs, with one of his closest friends being a drug dealer. so can get easy access to drugs. We have a 10 month old son. He was taking weed around me until about a month before my son was born, but I hated it and got him to stop cause all it did was cause arguments. I refuse to have my son grow up around drugs, my partner knows this and I've told him often enough. Anyway the only reason I found out was because as I seen a video on his phone a message popped up on screen asking if he had money for him, now he's the drug dealer and I asked him what does he mean? He replied it must have been for someone else but I knew he was lying. Anyway I was up feeding my son in the morning and his phone was sitting so I checked his phone and that's when I found out. I'm so hurt and devasted cause not only did he lie he brought drugs into our home, around my son. He was taking it in our family car. Possibly having it on him whilst my son and I were in the car. I've asked for advice from friends. He says he has been doing it since September since he was around at his friends(the drug dealer) and ever since then he's been taking it about 3 times a week. I'm still unsure I'm trying to forgive but I'm struggling. I don't know if I can I want to but I hate what he has done to me and I've got zero trust in him 😭

OP posts:

ladymelbourne1926 · 07/02/2018 08:49

Honestly you should be taking his phone to the police, reporting his friend, then Taking your son and getting out.
Forget trust, betrayal, whatever you may want, he has bought drugs around your son!!!

ShatnersWig · 07/02/2018 08:56

Atalune If she doesn't feel it he isn't doing something so bad, why the fuck is she on MN asking for advice about it and why did she say this:

We have a 10 month old son. He was taking weed around me until about a month before my son was born, but I hated it and got him to stop cause all it did was cause arguments. I refuse to have my son grow up around drugs, my partner knows this and I've told him often enough

She's CHOOSING after 24 hours of thought, to STAY in a relationship with a junkie, almost all of whose friends are junkies, and at least one of them is a dealer. In a relationship where she has continually argued with this junkie over this.

So much for refusing to have her son grow up around drugs. Because unless he cuts off every single one of his friends completely, there is no way he is going drug free. It's bullshit.

villamariavintrapp · 07/02/2018 08:58

Oh well, I hope he at least keeps it away from your son from now on.

Atalune · 07/02/2018 08:59

Oh and a gramme of coke retails around £100.

So that might b something you want to consider. £200/300 a week on drugs. Which is a lot.

Offred · 07/02/2018 09:01

How forgiving would you be if your son died after getting into his stash?

Dancetothebeat32 · 07/02/2018 09:02

If he is abusing cocaine 3 times a week it is not recreational (not that it would be any better) he has a full blown drug addiction.
I'm sorry but I do not believe for one minute that he can just stop and that be the end of it. IF you are really going to stand by him then you need cold hard ultimatums, you need to understand the implications of living with a drug addict in the long run. He needs to go to his gp and seek help NOT WHEN HE CHOOSES BUT NOW BECAUSE YOU INSIST ON IT. All contact with his druggie friends and dealers cannot be allowed, he will not abstain from temptation and deep down you know it

There will come a time in his addiction where he will get sloppy with his carefulness, what if your child's safety is put into jeopardy?? Does he drug drive ??? Will you ever live with yourself if he harms your child ???

He would still be doing this had he not been found out.....this is not a confession or admission to a problem.

Don't be naive, drug addicts are the best liars.....even lie to themselves, please don't be fooled

OverTheMountain42 · 07/02/2018 09:02

You really don't value your son very much do you?

How as a parent can you let someone have another chance to do drugs/have drugs on them or in their system be around your baby? Who is giving him a chance at being safe and not being around totally shit people? What happens if your son somehow gets hold of cocaine? It's all too late then. Christ.

I say this as someone who is currently selling my house because people have been coming and dealing drugs opposite it in the very quiet close we live in and that's too much to have my son around, let alone someone in his life doing it.

Dancetothebeat32 · 07/02/2018 09:04

Oh and if he has told you 3 times a week it's probably every day

Atalune · 07/02/2018 09:04

shatners I agree with you in principle. But I doubt very much that she sees him as a junkie.

The weed smoking would have been enough for me to be running for the hills.

ShatnersWig · 07/02/2018 09:07

Atalune Well then she needs to. Someone who takes coke three times a week is way beyond an occasional dabble.

I have a very strong feeling the OP won't be back. I was hoping some harsh words might somehow bring her to her senses. But she LURVES her junkie partner so much. Far more than her own son, clearly.

elisenbrunnen · 07/02/2018 09:19

Riiiight.

See you in a few months. Broke. Kid is hungry, no food, no nappies.

No friends. Police informed. SS informed.

how can I forgive my bf?? You can't. And shouldn't. Any why would you want to 'forgive'?

He won't stop.

dirtybadger · 07/02/2018 09:20

I doubt your DP is taking cocaine three times a week. If he says he is using three times a week, then he is either A. using it most or every day, because he is addicted to it, B. on his way there. Most people have the self awareness to know that when you start taking drugs mid-week, you are running into problems. Apparently not this guy. He doesn't give a shit, and he is currrently very happily choosing to risk you and your DC for the lifestyle he's living. And if he really is only using three times a week, then that's quite a cognizant choice he's making!

You can't function properly taking cocaine three times a week. That leaves him fucked half the days of the week, and on a miserable come down the other half. Leave him. He's no good for you.

elisenbrunnen · 07/02/2018 09:24

OP - what is happening right now is - he is seeing his nice life slipping away. HIs lovely family, his cleaner/cook/shag under threat.

He spins you a nice line (haha ) about how he will change, he's 'seen what he's losing', he'll stop....

And it will just go underground. You jsut won't know.

Untill all the money's gone. And you dc are still living with a junkie.

Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 09:26

She's not going to report him. Infact she's not going to leave either. She had a son with him knowing what he was like hoping it would change him. Well it didn't.

ShatnersWig · 07/02/2018 09:28

OP said she'd "asked for advice from friends". Wonder if their advice was the same as ours, she didn't like it, so she came here? Or was their advice not to worry because her friends are all doing drugs like all of his friends?

One can but hope that maybe one of those friends she asked advice of has the sense and guts to report them to social services. Maybe a visit from them might be the one wake up call the OP might listen to.

expatinscotland · 07/02/2018 09:45

'Does he have a job? '

From the sounds of it, his job is dealing drugs.

Bluelonerose · 07/02/2018 09:51

Good luck op.
You've obviously made your choice but set out the rules and set out exactly what will happen if he breaks it.
Then STICK TO IT.
Don't let him tell you "it was a one off"
He needs to cut his "friends" off and realise they are not friends.

I phoned the police on my dh and his "friends" as it was the only way I knew I would never have to deal with them and so dh knew he couldnt have both me and his "friends."

Yes I got a lot of shit off them threatening messages (which I posted on fb for all to see) shouting at me in the street (again i just stood my ground and shouted back shaming them as dealers)
Put your child first.

Mxyzptlk · 07/02/2018 10:03

I know he didn't intentionally set out to hurt me.
No, he just did exactly what he wanted and didn't give one thought to you or his son.

rebuild my trust
Don't try to do that by being a trusting person. Do it by being suspicious of everything he says and does.
He has to prove he can be trusted.

Original poster

KelB24 · 07/02/2018 10:30

He does have a job, he works full time Monday-Friday. I know he wouldn't deal drugs, he's not got it in him so that. I'm not going to just trust right away, I will be suspicious about every move he does. I would feel guilty for making him give up his friends cause then he would be miserable, but then at the same time I want to. A don't have many friends, but the friends I do have are there for me I don't need a big circle I've cut friends out my life before cause I knew they were no good for me. I don't need to be judged for my decision, right now I'm not sure it's the right one yet I hope it is. I'm not a bad mother, my wee boy is my life and I love him more than anything in this world. And if my partner does it again then that's it for us and he's having no contact with my son until he can prove he's clean and free of drugs. I won't be a mug/doormat. I've thought of every one of the things every one of you have been saying in my head a thousand times over and over again.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/02/2018 10:35

I won't be a mug/doormat

That horse has bolted.

Offred · 07/02/2018 10:38

I'm not a bad mother, my wee boy is my life and I love him more than anything in this world

Children need to be safe as well as loved.

A child living with a cocaine addict who has already put him in harm’s way is not safe.

And no, you can’t possibly love him more than anything in the world because you are putting your desire to continue in a relationship with someone who harms him above his safety.

Offred · 07/02/2018 10:40

(And yes, you do need to be judged for your decisions regarding your child’s safety, we all are)

f83mx · 07/02/2018 10:42

Just to be clear you are staying with someone who has bought class a drugs into the house your child lives in. If your kid ever got hold of them they could die, if social services get involved you will be fucked. Make your choices wisely. How are you intending to prove he is clean when he has lied through his teeth to you already?

OverTheMountain42 · 07/02/2018 10:49

If your little boy was your life you wouldn't be giving someone another chance after he's already lied to you before about drugs. He'll just be more secretive, his friends who are dishonest criminals are hardly going to accept that he no longer does that and will now help him even more with hiding what he does from you.

You are a mug if you believe him. So far he's been able to just brush you off with he won't do it again despite having already done it again before.

NeilPetark · 07/02/2018 10:50

I'm not a bad mother

You aren’t making the best choices for your child right now.

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