How can I forgive my bf for lying about taking drugs behind back?

[KelB24]

Hi,
On Saturday morning, I found out my bf of two years has been regularly taking cocainne behind back, about 3 times a week. He did drugs before we got together he was a daily weed smoker and did cocaine as well on occasions. Every one of his friends takes drugs, with one of his closest friends being a drug dealer. so can get easy access to drugs. We have a 10 month old son. He was taking weed around me until about a month before my son was born, but I hated it and got him to stop cause all it did was cause arguments. I refuse to have my son grow up around drugs, my partner knows this and I've told him often enough. Anyway the only reason I found out was because as I seen a video on his phone a message popped up on screen asking if he had money for him, now he's the drug dealer and I asked him what does he mean? He replied it must have been for someone else but I knew he was lying. Anyway I was up feeding my son in the morning and his phone was sitting so I checked his phone and that's when I found out. I'm so hurt and devasted cause not only did he lie he brought drugs into our home, around my son. He was taking it in our family car. Possibly having it on him whilst my son and I were in the car. I've asked for advice from friends. He says he has been doing it since September since he was around at his friends(the drug dealer) and ever since then he's been taking it about 3 times a week. I'm still unsure I'm trying to forgive but I'm struggling. I don't know if I can I want to but I hate what he has done to me and I've got zero trust in him 😭

Op I've been there. I found out dh (before he was dh) had done coke around my children.

I knew he took it when I got with him (I wasn't in the best place and wasn't my smartest choice but like I said I was in a really bad place)
I told him upfront you come anywhere near my dc within 24 hours of sticking that up your nose I'll phone the police, you work and your dm report the lot of you.
I won't have it around my dc.
Anyway he broke that so I stuck to my word.

I threw his clothes out while on the phone to the police giving them names, addresses, car reg, hiding places.

I didn't see him for 2 days when ide claimed down enough for him to come collect the rest of his stuff.
We talked and he said he wanted to quit.

I told him come back when it had been 6 weeks since hed used and IF I hadn't already moved on we would talk.

6 weeks later he turned up on my doorstep. Hed gone cold turkey, changed jobs and cut his "friends" off.
He had changed he wanted his family back.

That was 3 years ago and I can honestly say he has not touched it since.
It wasn't easy there were times where I didn't trust him with his behaviour etc but over time the trust came back.

Op your need to talk to your dp and make it clear you will not tolerate his behaviour.
Every time you excuse it you are letting him get away with it.

Stand up for yourself and your child.

In what way is he a great father/partner?

He has no respect for either of you and puts drugs above you both.

I suspected this would be a situation where you have never even had a cigarette. I would be willing to bet too that there was alcoholism in your family of origin.

I’ve seen it time and time again on here where people unconsciously repeat patterns from their childhoods and get taken in by what the junkie tells them re drugs because they don’t have experience of their own.

Your right there, I should have walked away from the start. I was an idiot for staying around. Maybe I can't change him, I was wrong to think I could.

You will have had years of ‘it’s just a bit of weed’ ‘weed isn’t even really a drug’ ‘it’s better than tobacco’ ‘I need it to relax’ blah blah blah...

And now you know that he has also been doing coke for all that time too...

You didn't really get the chance to know him before you had a child together, by my calculations 14 months ish.
It takes time to really know someone, for them to show you who they really are, their beliefs, what is important to them, what isn't.
I'd say you have now reached that point. There's no hiding who each of you are now, and you are not compatible.
Lots of people enjoy drugs in their youth, but as you get older and have more responsibilities, at work and family life, have children etc, you grow up and realise you need an early night, not pull an all nighter. Your chap isn't one of these people. He wants to do whatever he wants and is not considering you or your child.
This is why you don't have a child with someone you barely know.

I think you are going to have to leave him.

OP
He IS LYING.he will not just stop.he is an addict.whatever you say,plead,threaten,do.he will not ever stop until he wants to change.
He would have to break contact with all his friends and associates,moving away even to a new area.
You must be strong and take your dc away .if his dealer/other dealers know where you live and he owes money they could come knocking on your door.
Drugs are very expensive,where is the money coming from?
Addicts will do anything to get money for the next fix.
The effects on his physical and mental health are catastrophic.
You must end this now.no hoping you can change him(you won't).
Don't feel sorry for him and make excuses.
Kick him out or move out,whichever is most appropriate for you.
But do not allow your dc to live in this environment.
You could end up with the police and ss knocking at your door.
His behaviour will become more unpredictable.
Save your dc and yourself ,please,and end this today.
You are strong enough and you can do it.

Well, you shouldn't have had a child with a junkie, should you, but what's done is done.

He's a rubbish father, a rubbish partner and you should be having fuck all to do with him unless he proves conclusively he's off the stuff. Which seems extremely unlikely if all his friends are on drugs.

He is a drug abusing criminal with no respect for you or your child. He is endangering you, your child, your home and your property. He will not change. This is not a relationship. This is not love. This will never work. Get him out of the house as soon as possible

This.

I know it’s harsh but you need to choose between your child and your partner.

Please make the right choice NOW before he gets done for dealing and social services are at your door.

'He is a drug abusing criminal with no respect for you or your child. He is endangering you, your child, your home and your property. He will not change. This is not a relationship. This is not love. This will never work. Get him out of the house as soon as possible'

This. x1000.

Your child and you are more important and you should not forgive your criminal boyfriend. He has and continues to put drugs before you and his child, infact his primary relationship is with cocaine.

Its hard enough to change even one aspect of your own self, thinking or hoping that someone else is going to change is an exercise in futility.

You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship and your mistake here has been to act as both. You are over invested and woefully underqualified to help him, not that he wants your help and support. He likes having you around because you enable him.

Your child and you will be simply dragged down with him as long as you and your so called partner remain at all together. I would also not have anything less than supervised contact around your child as either so no informal arrangement.

Read up on codependency and see how much of that fits in with your own behaviours re him.

I would also consider what you learnt about relationships when growing up.. Your boundaries here are so low as to be non existent so please consider counselling so that you recognise and not ignore the red flags here from the beginning in future.

I don't know what to do for the best
Yes you do.
You know exactly what to do.
It's gonna take some courage and a lot of guts but you need to do it!

Cocaine is such a wankers drug too, it’s the worst

Yes, it's odd that you think heroin is worse, heroin is much better, at least heroin addicts don't get paranoid and violent. I had friends in my youth who became heroin addicts while other became coke addicts. The coke addicts all beat their girlfriends up and all the addicts died before the age of 35.

Then many years later I lived in part of Dublin that was full of heroin addicts. Lots of thefts, but nothing worse. However after I left, coke and gun crime moved in.

The reason I want to forgive him is because he is a great father, and he is also a lovable partner to me too. He says he'll not do it again,

He's such a great father he's driving his children around while he's high on coke. He's such a lovable partner to you that he's been lying to you for six months and doing something he knew was a dealbreaker for you.

And as for him saying he wouldn't do it again--didn't he tell you that before? You can't trust him, OP.

Oh, and another thing. You might want to report him, so that he only has supervised access to your dc, if you split up.

The user will always put the needs of the addict before that of the man and the man can only take control if he stops being a user, but the addict will never leave his side.
You laid out guidelines/rules at the start. He broke them.

It doesn't matter what he says. He has form for lying already, his word means sweet fuck all. I wouldn't forgive it.

I've decided to give him a second chance because I know he's truly sorry for what he did and I don't think he will do it again. It hurt him so much when I told him I made this forum and what people were saying about him. He does truly hate what he has done to us both and after seriously having a long argument last night I know he didn't intentionally set out to hurt me. He is only been given this last chance after that if he does it again it's over for good he knows this and there's no going back. He quit weed and smoking, so I think he will do this too. He says he'll go for help if need be but he wants to do it off his own back. I'm still hurt and will take lots of time to rebuild my trust and I hope it's worth it.

You're a fool.

Sorry.

Your poor child.

Because you'll be back here again.

Have to agree he's playing you for a mug

Ok. I see you his friends and lifestyle completely revolve around drugs.

So has he cut contact with all these friends ? Found new hobbies ? promised he will stay at home every night with you and his child ? Given you free access to his phone ? Enrolled in a programme for drug users ?

The answers will tell you how serious he is about stopping .

For your baby’s sake you should move out now and see if he’s still clean in 6 months as he promises.

Astonishing, really. Yesterday you had zero trust, he'd lied to you in the past about this, you come here for advice, all of which is basically this guy is a junkie, a shit father and shit partner and you needed to get away from him for your own sake but most of all your child's sake, and 24 hours later you're giving him another chance.

REALLY????

But then anyone who knows their partner does drugs and choose to make a child with them is a fucking idiot. If you choose to hang around a junkie who has loads of junkie friends, well that's the path you've chosen. But to inflict it on a child who has no choice?

Upthread people said he was a shit father. Well, I think you're a shit mother.

You sound like my friend.

It’s a terrible state to be in. She doesn’t know what to do for the best. It’s a nightmare.

I’m not making excuses for her partner but.....

I think it’s probably hard for the op to accept he is a junkie as he is a functioning adult who likes to do a bit of drugs. He’s not an unwashed thieving git who can’t get through the day without being high. It’s not
Trainspotting.

And that’s the difficulty. He’s not like that so the appearance of his habit is diminished and it feels like he isn’t doing something so bad. But it is bad. It’s even more awful as the consequences and the hurt are the same but they are presented in a socially more acceptable way.

He needs to be out of the house and make some significant changes. You know this. Be tough and carry it through.

Does he have a job?

I think he will be back on it, because it is an addiction to the lifestyle as well as drugs.

He will have to completely cut himself off from his social group.

You said you had an argument over it, doesn't sound like a man who is willingly giving up..you had to force and threaten him with leaving..then he got it??

I don't think you really know this man as 2 years is no time at all.
Do you have family support?