How can I forgive my bf for lying about taking drugs behind back?

[KelB24]

Hi,
On Saturday morning, I found out my bf of two years has been regularly taking cocainne behind back, about 3 times a week. He did drugs before we got together he was a daily weed smoker and did cocaine as well on occasions. Every one of his friends takes drugs, with one of his closest friends being a drug dealer. so can get easy access to drugs. We have a 10 month old son. He was taking weed around me until about a month before my son was born, but I hated it and got him to stop cause all it did was cause arguments. I refuse to have my son grow up around drugs, my partner knows this and I've told him often enough. Anyway the only reason I found out was because as I seen a video on his phone a message popped up on screen asking if he had money for him, now he's the drug dealer and I asked him what does he mean? He replied it must have been for someone else but I knew he was lying. Anyway I was up feeding my son in the morning and his phone was sitting so I checked his phone and that's when I found out. I'm so hurt and devasted cause not only did he lie he brought drugs into our home, around my son. He was taking it in our family car. Possibly having it on him whilst my son and I were in the car. I've asked for advice from friends. He says he has been doing it since September since he was around at his friends(the drug dealer) and ever since then he's been taking it about 3 times a week. I'm still unsure I'm trying to forgive but I'm struggling. I don't know if I can I want to but I hate what he has done to me and I've got zero trust in him 😭

Being with a druggie wasn’t enough to make you come to your senses, knowing he was a druggie when you were PG wasn’t enough, now finding out he has graduated to harder drugs and has been putting your dc at risk isn’t enough...

What’s left? Well, all that is left is your child actually being harmed...

Clearly and obviously he is not a good father, he’s a really bad father no matter how nice he is to your baby, and he is mainly responsible for this shit situation, but you have a responsibility to protect your son, and you are not doing that, you are choosing to protect your partner from the consequences of his choices.

OP you said "I'm not a bad mother".

I repeat what I said on the previous page when you said you were giving him a second chance.

You're a shit mother.

Yes you bloody well are because you're putting your son at risk and choosing a junkie and your relationship with that junkie before you baby son. Just like he is a shit father (as we all said upthread).

And if my partner does it again then that's it for us

You fucking told him that previously and he didn't fucking listen!!! Why the fuck will he think you'll carry it through this time?

You are on cloud cuckoo land and I pray to God nothing happens to your son.

You won’t even make the small concession of taking your son out of harm’s way while you give him another chance...

You dont forgive him.

You are in no healthy environment to bring a child up - ditch the bloke and move far away with your baby.

No good can ever come from your relationship with him

You are a doormat. And a bad mother aswell. Poor kid hope someone reports it to ss.

What’s left? Well, all that is left is your child actually being harmed...

Sadly I think even then op will excuse and minimise. Cares more for boyfriend than son.

This is a classic case of putting your relationship before your baby boy. If he's arrested social services will be involved and you will risk your son being taken into care. You would have to choose between them then.

At least make sure don't let him drive your DS, because you will never be able to trust that he's not taking drugs.

Why are you putting your relationship with this man before your child, your most precious of resource?. Why is this so important to you in the first place, what needs of yours is he still meeting within you? What hold does he have over you?

The things I end up googling due to mn

ashworthmotoringlaw.co.uk/2016/03/04/the-drug-driving-limits-and-how-long-drugs-stay-in-your-system/amp/

Can take up to 3 DAYS after cocaine use to be legal/safe to drive op. Especially if taken something else at same time, taken a good amount etc.

If your bf is taking 3 times a week min chances are HIGH he is drug driving. If he's caught drug driving with your son in the car you will have a tough time explaining to ss why you thought that was in ANY way acceptable I should think.

And if my partner does it again then that's it for us

I bet you said that last time, too.

You can't trust this man, OP. He is going to keep on lying to you because by having him back now you've shown to him that he can.

And don't think that it's enough that you love your child. You have to protect him, too. Your partner has been driving him around while high on coke. That's really dangerous. Really, really dangerous. How can you even consider giving a second chance to someone you know has endangered your child and lied to you?

I know it's hard. But if you really loved your child you'd get rid of this awful, deceitful man right now. No more chances.

I've decided to give him a second chance

well, it's not a second chance is it? It's at least a third or fourth chance.

because I know he's truly sorry for what he did and I don't think he will do it again

Why don't you think that? Every other time you asked him to stop he said that he would and then didn't. So isn't it extremely likely that he will do the same this time?

He does truly hate what he has done to us both and after seriously having a long argument last night...

If he's so remorseful, then why was there an argument? Or did he try to minimise, dismiss and shout you down, and only when that didn't work, switch to "Oh my god, you're right, I see it all so clearly now"?

I know he didn't intentionally set out to hurt me

No, he just doesn't care if he hurts you AND YOUR CHILD or not.

if he does it again it's over for good he knows this and there's no going back

I bet you said that last time. And the time before that. So actually, rather than "knowing" if he does it again he's out, he can be fairly sure that WHEN he does it again that all that will happen is you'll have another go at him.

He says he'll go for help if need be but he wants to do it off his own back
Or "Don't expect me actually to stick to my word by contacting a drugs counsellor/talking to NA/visiting my GP, etc. I'm not doing to actually DO anything, because I'm not taking this seriously."

I'm still hurt and will take lots of time to rebuild my trust and I hope it's worth it

OP, you are so desperate to believe him - desperate for everything to be OK, for this to be magically sorted out, for this to be the last time and for him to somehow turn into the loving, reliable, straight-up husband-and-father you're trying so hard to pretend he is.

I hope you are still reading this - I don't imagine you will be back to comment but I hope that you do read and re-read it, and see that, underneath the frustration some posters are displaying, is a genuine care for women who are in the situation you describe.

It's like watching a car hit a brick wall, and seeing the driver getting out all dazed and hurt. Then after a bit, she gets back into the car and drives straight back at the wall again. Except you've got a kid in a carseat next to you.

Please think hard about what you want for yourself and your DC.

You chose to go out with a person who uses class A drugs. You then decided to procreate with him. You then remained with him whilst he smoked weed and cigarettes in your presence whilst you were pregnant. You chose to stay with him despite knowing he had close association with users and dealers. You found out he brought class A drugs into your home and used them around your son in a car even, that your son was in. And that he has been using such drugs for at least 6 months. But you're giving him another chance and that doesn't make you a doormat, a bad mother or someone who should be judged.

But just read that back and see how social services and/or the police would view such a situation, because your actions are pretty classic among women who have had to have SS involvement and/or even the removal of their children. There is usually always a man involved who engages in criminal behaviour and/or is abusive and she elects to continue the relationship despite the inherent danger to the children in her custody.

I'm not going to just trust right away, I will be suspicious about every move he does. - and then what?

He says he'll go for help if need be but he wants to do it off his own back - so, he'll be all 'look at me, I haven;t had drugs for 3 days!, I don't need help, I can stop any time I like. And I don't need you goin on about it all the time, alright?'

Forgive him if you like. That is a separate dynamic from deciding about your relationship, imho. He is human, he got himself trapped in a drug vortex he can’t get out of. It happens to a lot of people.

The relationship is bad as pointed out by previous posters; you know this with metaphysical certitude. He is not a keeper in any way, shape, or form. You are not compatible, (putting it mildly) even without your dear dear son in consideration.

Being nice to an addict is like pissing into the wind. And they don’t care or take account or are even grateful for what people do for them. Your forgiving him means nothing to him except he gets to maintain his status quo a little longer. Thankfully you are not married to him.

The real question is:
How on earth will you ever forgive yourself?

Imho, your son won’t be quick to forgive you.