What the hell do I do now?

[BingIsALittleShit]

Right so I know I'm probably going to get a chorus of LTB, but just for background, DP and I have been together for about 7 years now. We have 1 DS who is 18 months old. We share a house together, both work and pay equally etc.

So yesterday we had an argument, which has been somewhat reoccurring over the past few months. Basically, he has become lazy, and leaves everything to me. Yes, he works more hours than me, but I am home every evening to put DS to bed etc. He literally doesn't care one jot about housework, but also refuses to let me get a cleaner. So not sure what I'm meant to do.

I needed calm down, as I was so annoyed, and didn't want to be around him. He will just ignore me when he's in a mood and it's not a good environment for DS. So, I left. I will add, that he does his EVERY time we argue, will fuck off to god knows where until he is ready to come home and talk. Or sit and ignore me, whichever!

So after a few hours, I go home. And...he's locked me out the house not sure what he was trying to achieve to be honest but there we go. I stood outside, calmly, but knocking the door/window, thinking he would let me in, not wanting DS to be woken. He texts my Dad telling him to call me and tell me to calm down because I was 'acting like a lunatic' apparently. I wasn't, I was calm. Anyway, so he eventually lets me in. Not a word is said between us, and I go to bed, he sleeps on the sofa which is usual after we have argued.

This morning wake up to find my engagement ring and another ring he got me, gone.

I will admit I was really petty and whilst he was in the shower, I hid his iwatch. He did ask if I'd seen it, probably assuming DS had messed with it. I said, 'have you checked if it's win my rings?'. He said 'it's over, you don't need them anymore'. I said fair enough and he goes off to work.

But, now I've realised he's taken his car, which has the car seat and pushchair in it. We have a car each, and we swap depending who has DS. So if I'm off and he's working, he takes my car, because the car seat etc is in his car. It's always been like that.

So now, I'm sat here absolutely raging, and DS is already bouncing off the walls and because that selfish prick has taken his car, we can't go to playgroup now. He's text me saying he's going to ring an estate agent to come and value the house so we can sell.

I will add, we had only just made up on Sunday, from an argument about something else earlier in the week.

Sorry for some typos

I mean, yeah the car issue, you both sound unhappy and miserable and it's bringing out the worst in you both (pettiness).

But isn't the bigger problem here the fact he's told you the relationship is over? You're no longer together? How do you feel about that?

You sound more upset about the car, which is very telling.

I think you've both acted childishly and that you're miserable together. Decide to get on with him and be civil, but yes, it doesn't feel to me like you should be together.

Well yes, that's not what I want at all. But what am I meant to do about it, if he's saying it's over, I'm not going to beg him to stay am I?

We have been having a rough patch for be last year to be honest, and arguments were constant for months before Xmas. But recently, I really thought things were going well, we hadn't argued since before Xmas..until last week when he blew up over something ridiculous.

We had talked about breaking up last year as we were both really unhappy, but we agreed to work on things. But things have never got to this point where he's taken my rings back.

I'm not more upset about the car, but it has annoyed me, because he always goes on about how much DS lives play group, to socialise with other kids etc and that I should take him whenever I can! So the only person he's really hurting is DS.

Are there other parents who could give you a lift to playgroup?

Don’t you think it would be better that your DS didn’t grow up in an environment where the two of you were arguing, storming off and being locked out the house? It all sounds very childish, and yes he sounds lazy.

He can't stop you from getting a cleaner, just get one. Are you paying equally, but you have taken a pay cut to pick up the caring responsibilities for your son. Get another car seat. You don't have to sell the house if you don't want to.
Disengage with him, you don't need his permission to hire a cleaner or buy a 2nd car seat, just do it. Don't have anymore conversations about him not pulling his weight, get the help you need from elsewhere. What he wants to do is up to him.

I don't know any of the other parents that well to be honest and have no way of contacting them.

I know it's all very childish, but he's really gone to the next level by locking me out and taking my rings! I have never ever done anything like that to him!!!

...that wasn't meant to mean that he doesn't have any responsibilities to his child or his home. It's just the course of action I have found to be most effective.

Yeah I have taken a pay cut, I work 4 days a week and my wages literally just about cover my own personal bills and half the house bills. I'm waiting on hearing back about a new job that will be back to full time and a big pay rise. I was literally talking to him saying if I get this job, I want to get a cleaner and he was going on saying we don't need one etc, and it spiralled into an argument about he housework and how if he helped maybe we wouldn't need one.

Thankfully DS was napping when all this was happening, and I left as he woke up so he did not witness anything.

So he's got you effectively stuck in the house, punishing you and your son, he's taken your stuff, tried to involve and turn your dad against you, he's lazy, petty and withdraws affection when he feels like it?

He's a very, very unpleasant person, OP. Just because he's good at hiding it sometimes doesn't alter that.

He can't sell the house from under you without your consent, as you are married and you have a child. I'd see a solicitor, and take some control back here.

I'd also get Argos to deliver a car seat using their same day service, or borrow one from a friend or relative, and go out. And I'm sorry, this must be a big shock.

I have no money for another car seat right now 😔

Shove CBEEBIES on and spend today trying to get all your paperwork in order. Also make it clear that they are YOUR rings and he has no right to take them. I would remove something of his that he values until they are returned. He gave them you, not lent them until he needed them for someone else.

Could there be someone else?

Do you have access to shared banking?

So you pay in equally.
Do you earn equally?
He sounds abusive.
Google 'stonewalling abuse'
I realise you give as good as you get but this is not environment for your DS.
He's being a selfish prick taking the car seat and pushchair.
Does he work far away?
Could he get home at lunchtime to hand over what you need?
Or is there anyone who could watch your DS while you go to his work and get what you need?

No, I'm there is no one else, that's one thing I'm absolutely sure of.

You sound very isolated.

We do have a joint account where he pay an equal amount into each month, that covers bills and anything extra, but not £200 for a new car seat. There is money in there now, but it's for other bills coming out later in the month and j can't guarantee if I use it, that the money will be replaced iyswim?

He does earn more than me at the moment, but not massively so. If I get this new job, I will then earn more than him.

I don't want to go to his work, he will accuse me of making a scene etc. I don't know where he parks either or I would just go with the spare key and get the stuff out myself without him even knowing.

He is treating you appallingly. Fingers crossed for good new on the new job. I suspect you will have a much better life without your (notD) P.

I'm not isolated, my mom and Dad live literally round the corner. As does my sister who I'm very close with. I have a few very good friends and colleagues too.

So there's not thousands in there he will do away with? Just bill money?

I would spend today trying to get your valuables safe and paperwork sorted

Thanks Bananman, I have all my fingers and toes crossed!

No, not thousands Sleeping. We used all our savings buying the house last year and doing some work to it.

I would be mad he beat me to it tbh. Get rid of the man child. Sell up and split up. You can do better.