What the hell do I do now?

[BingIsALittleShit]

Right so I know I'm probably going to get a chorus of LTB, but just for background, DP and I have been together for about 7 years now. We have 1 DS who is 18 months old. We share a house together, both work and pay equally etc.

So yesterday we had an argument, which has been somewhat reoccurring over the past few months. Basically, he has become lazy, and leaves everything to me. Yes, he works more hours than me, but I am home every evening to put DS to bed etc. He literally doesn't care one jot about housework, but also refuses to let me get a cleaner. So not sure what I'm meant to do.

I needed calm down, as I was so annoyed, and didn't want to be around him. He will just ignore me when he's in a mood and it's not a good environment for DS. So, I left. I will add, that he does his EVERY time we argue, will fuck off to god knows where until he is ready to come home and talk. Or sit and ignore me, whichever!

So after a few hours, I go home. And...he's locked me out the house not sure what he was trying to achieve to be honest but there we go. I stood outside, calmly, but knocking the door/window, thinking he would let me in, not wanting DS to be woken. He texts my Dad telling him to call me and tell me to calm down because I was 'acting like a lunatic' apparently. I wasn't, I was calm. Anyway, so he eventually lets me in. Not a word is said between us, and I go to bed, he sleeps on the sofa which is usual after we have argued.

This morning wake up to find my engagement ring and another ring he got me, gone.

I will admit I was really petty and whilst he was in the shower, I hid his iwatch. He did ask if I'd seen it, probably assuming DS had messed with it. I said, 'have you checked if it's win my rings?'. He said 'it's over, you don't need them anymore'. I said fair enough and he goes off to work.

But, now I've realised he's taken his car, which has the car seat and pushchair in it. We have a car each, and we swap depending who has DS. So if I'm off and he's working, he takes my car, because the car seat etc is in his car. It's always been like that.

So now, I'm sat here absolutely raging, and DS is already bouncing off the walls and because that selfish prick has taken his car, we can't go to playgroup now. He's text me saying he's going to ring an estate agent to come and value the house so we can sell.

I will add, we had only just made up on Sunday, from an argument about something else earlier in the week.

Well at least he can't steal that.

Would your Dad come round tonight when he gets home to ask for the car seat and rings? And yeah yeah its sexist but he dragged your Dad into it to start with

I wonder what your family think of him.

Good luck with the job.

Well I tend to keep things from them so they don't really know what goes on to be honest. I know how these things go, woman runs to mommy and daddy and slags man off, they begin to hate him, she goes back to him and they make up, and then her family still hate him. And the cycle continues.

He does get on well with my dad, but my mom has always been a bit weary, and worried about his immaturity, as for a while he was a bit unreliable on being 'the provider' she thinks that all men should be 🙄 because she only has my dad to base anything on.

Until yesterday obviously when I had to tell them what had been going on because he dragged my dad into it and they were texting asking if everything was ok etc. My Dad said he was going to come and bang our heads together 🙄

Well, as Sleeping says above, your husband is the one who has involved your dad in his immature little games. So if you need help today, or company, ask.

Have you thought about relationship counselling? Might be the only way to move past these big issues you are having other than breaking up? Arguing constantly like you have described must be completely exhausting..?

splat I have suggested it the last time things got really bad and he refused.

I've also suggested he get individual counselling as he is a bit messed up from his upbringing. He doesn't use it as an excuse and refuses to acknowledge it has had an impact on him, but it really has. You would think it would make him want to try harder so our son isn't bought up on a toxic environment like he was.

He also kept referencing some bad things that have happened to people that he knows lately, saying it's made him realise some things about life etc, but why is he treating me like shit if he has a 'new outlook on life' One of the things could be a real possibility for him one day too!!

He's abusive op. There's no point analysing him. This is him. He's lazy and selfish to boot. He locked you out and gaslights you, then involved your dad, then proceeded to steal your jewellery!

Call up a solicitor today and get the ball rolling. Don't just let him take the lead and walk all over you. Get this man out of your life.

I know he's been painted in a not so good light right now, as is often the case here on MN, but I do love him, and I don't want us to split up 😔

He said "It's over."? I'd be inclined to believe him, and use today - while you're stuck in the house - to photograph every single financial document you can find and research a decent divorce lawyer locally.

While you may not want to split up, you may not have a choice in the matter. You must act to protect yourself and your DS in the event that this is the start of you splitting up. I'm sorry.

Can someone babysit tonight? Would he agree to meeting you to talk? Label it as sorting arrangements and ask him of this is really what he wants? To lose you, see less of his son etc

The problem is that it takes both of you to want to stay together and it sounds like he wants out.

He doesn’t have the legal right to lock you out (or vice versa) and the rings belong to you. He can’t take them back just because he’s decided you don’t need them anymore!

As others have said, you need to start planning for the worst outcome, which is that you do end up splitting, so you’re prepared if he won’t change his mind / talk / go to counselling.

I wouldn’t be too passive about this. If things aren’t working for you then you need to have your red lines drawn. Listen to his grumbles by all means but you should insist on what you need to happen for the relationship to continue (cleaner, more help with the housework and childcare etc).

Don’t sell yourself short - nobody values anything they get cheaply

I doubt it Sleeping, he doesn't like to talk about things unless it's on his terms, if I try to push him to talk before he is 'ready', then nothing will get resolved. He apparently has nothing else to say either so not sure what I can do.

Aware the above is classed as abusive also.

I know all that Changedname, ironically I work for be police myself (if anyone knows me, please don't out me) but he also knows that there is nothing I can do to stop him. Although, he shouldn't do it as the house is jointly owned, he knows there is nothing other than breaking in myself that I can do. He knows the police can't and won't do anything, and 100% knows I would never call them anyway. I think he was hoping the neighbours would call them last night, cos he kept telling me I was going to get arrested 😂 for what I'm not sure 🤷‍♀️

And I guess you're all right about preparing for the worst. I'll get started when DS has a nap shortly.

Tit for tat.
It sounds like a horrible situation.
He ignores you so you walk out.
He takes your rings to symbolyse the end of your relationship, you hide his watch.
He takes the car to make your day difficult. I doubt he even sees it as impacting your son but just that it will piss you off.
Whether he's abusive or not, whether you're both just playing with eachother out of frustration, anger and being miserable or not.
This isn't working and unless you can both learn to communicate with each other and he admits he has issues and is being a selfish prick nothing will change.
Don't ever underestimate how much children do in fact see and hear in these scenarios.
I get you want to make it work but this takes change, unless both parties can commit to that nothing will be different.
I would lay it on the line, you do x it makes me feel y, I'm suggesting z to put it right. If there is no acceptance on his part of the above and what needs to happen then I guess its over. Sell the house, take the new job, build a life and a happy peaceful environment for you and your son to live in.

The fact that you suspect he wanted you to be arrested - I mean, how fucked up is that?

I know right, Lindy? Really fucked up. Think he was just trying to scare me, because he knows it would effect my job if I was to be arrested, and especially my new job as it's within the organisation. I know damn well I wouldn't have been, cos I'd done nothing wrong, but it will still have been recorded as 'Domestic Incident' and again, he knows I don't ever want that.

ALittle he sees it that I'm 'always asking him to change', and that he never asks me to change who I am as a person etc. And basically that I should put up and shut up if I want to be with him. All I want is him to see I'm struggling and need some help, and that it's partly his responsibility. It would also be nice for him to acknowledge how much I do do, instead of making 'jokes' that I am lazy, do fuck all at work sitting on my arse all day and earn about 4p for it 🙄 Tells me I'm not his mum etc stop telling him what to do. Ironically his mum is not very motherly and has never told him what to do or done anything for him.

Found my rings also, he's not very good at hiding things.

Of course he doesn't see the need for a cleaner because you're doing it. And you're not allowed to discuss it, you're just supposed to shut up and put up with all his decisions until he decides it's the right time to talk. He's making it so difficult for you to bring any disagreements up because he's hoping you'll just stop and he'll get his way.

Even if you get a cleaner, there is still lots of housework to do including cooking, docs appointments, birthday parties/presents, sorting out kids clothes, buying things your child needs (continually as they grow up) and then homework, school dressing up days, play dates, childcare when you're away etc etc. Having someone clean the house once a week doesn't mean there still isn't a lot of housework, including tidying every day, clearing and cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry. I bet you do it all. Fuck that.

Of course he's asking you to change - into a passive servant who also happens to provide money but with him controlling it all. Also known as 'a shadow of your former self'.

What if he's not actually charming and strong (or whatever you think on the good days)? What if he's actually quite manipulative, angry and callous? Look behind the facade.

Look, lots of women on MN have crap days and weeks with their partners. But what you are describing sounds much worse than that, and pretty horrible for you.

I do everything Cricrichan, bar loading and unloading the dishwasher (which he does about once a week, so things still pile up on the side if he hasn't unloaded it) and emptying the kitchen bin and recycling. Oh and he will cook occasionally if he's not been at work that day. He wants a bloody medal for it.

I do all the washing, vacuuming, picking up after him and DS etc. If I come home from work and he's been off with DS, the house literally looks like a bomb has gone off. He doesn't tidy up at all, all day, so everything is everywhere, then he moans at me for tidying up and huffing and puffing about it.

It would be nice for him to actually do something without me asking, or me to get home and have nothing at all to do after work. Even when I put DS to bed, he will sit on his phone or watching tv, won't even think, oh Bing has been at work all day, I'll tidy up for when she comes down. Nope. Never.

I know Lindy, it's not great, but we do really love each other and have been through an awful lot together. I'd hate for it to end this way.

I just don't understand how someone can be so nasty and spiteful

In that case don't try and change him, you can't change anything about anyone, only they have the power to do that. It sounds to me like he has no desire to look at his own short callings and personality issues, or acknowledge how they affect others in which case nothing will improve.
In which case all you can do is decide who you react to his behaviour and how you let it affect you and your sons life.
I'm a stranger online it would be easy for me to say Ltb. But what I can say is, while it might be tough and heart breaking I have 100% confidence that if you pit yourself and your d's first, end this toxic situation and build a new life in a year's time you will be happy and so glad you did leave.

he has no desire to look at his own short callings and personality issues, or acknowledge how they affect others

This is absolutely 100% true.

He says sorry because he feel likes it's the only way to move on from an argument. He doesn't even mean it.

The sad thing is, he never used to be like this, he would always do stuff around the house, and I was actually the lazy one! He would moan no end if I'd done nothing on my day off. When I was pregnant with DS he was absolutely amazing, couldn't do enough for me. When he had DS, it's like, nothing else in the world seemed to matter to him. He will openly say, that he doesn't care about anything or anyone else other than DS (and he will say 'and you' if we are on good terms). That doesn't mean that housework shouldn't matter and doesn't effect DS does it?