What the hell do I do now?

[BingIsALittleShit]

Right so I know I'm probably going to get a chorus of LTB, but just for background, DP and I have been together for about 7 years now. We have 1 DS who is 18 months old. We share a house together, both work and pay equally etc.

So yesterday we had an argument, which has been somewhat reoccurring over the past few months. Basically, he has become lazy, and leaves everything to me. Yes, he works more hours than me, but I am home every evening to put DS to bed etc. He literally doesn't care one jot about housework, but also refuses to let me get a cleaner. So not sure what I'm meant to do.

I needed calm down, as I was so annoyed, and didn't want to be around him. He will just ignore me when he's in a mood and it's not a good environment for DS. So, I left. I will add, that he does his EVERY time we argue, will fuck off to god knows where until he is ready to come home and talk. Or sit and ignore me, whichever!

So after a few hours, I go home. And...he's locked me out the house not sure what he was trying to achieve to be honest but there we go. I stood outside, calmly, but knocking the door/window, thinking he would let me in, not wanting DS to be woken. He texts my Dad telling him to call me and tell me to calm down because I was 'acting like a lunatic' apparently. I wasn't, I was calm. Anyway, so he eventually lets me in. Not a word is said between us, and I go to bed, he sleeps on the sofa which is usual after we have argued.

This morning wake up to find my engagement ring and another ring he got me, gone.

I will admit I was really petty and whilst he was in the shower, I hid his iwatch. He did ask if I'd seen it, probably assuming DS had messed with it. I said, 'have you checked if it's win my rings?'. He said 'it's over, you don't need them anymore'. I said fair enough and he goes off to work.

But, now I've realised he's taken his car, which has the car seat and pushchair in it. We have a car each, and we swap depending who has DS. So if I'm off and he's working, he takes my car, because the car seat etc is in his car. It's always been like that.

So now, I'm sat here absolutely raging, and DS is already bouncing off the walls and because that selfish prick has taken his car, we can't go to playgroup now. He's text me saying he's going to ring an estate agent to come and value the house so we can sell.

I will add, we had only just made up on Sunday, from an argument about something else earlier in the week.

I feel like I've missed something in regard to abuse?

I know it's not nice to take the engagement ring/lock you out. But come on, this is typical angry, worried, panic, behaviour. Not saying it's right as it's not. I think everyone gets a bit like this sometimes in a tantrum. I don't think it's particularly abusive. I guess it depends whether it was a one off or if he's done it more times than this.

If you want to make it work, then you need a proper conversation about this and how his behaviour was unacceptable. You don't need to kiss and make up in a few minutes, you can try work things through slowly. Rushing to end a relationship is always easier said than done and I genuinely don't believe you'd do it, instead it would be easier for you to do the opposite which will lead to more issues in the future.

So let's say you've made your decision to not leave him, which I think you don't want to do. Your child is priority, remind him of that. Explain what your issues are. Let him explain his. Neither of you can interrupt in these. Don't assassinate each other's character or behaviour. But talk it through.

-I would like more help around the house
-I would like if I could get help with the cooking
-I would like us to have our own responsibilities in regards to housework.

Then tell each other what the anger is from. For all you know, his anger could be a disguise of a bigger issue you're clueless about... wait and see what happens when you talk.

I needed calm down, as I was so annoyed, and didn't want to be around him. He will just ignore me when he's in a mood and it's not a good environment for DS

Sounds like 'Stonewalling':

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Sounds like 'Flooding'

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3676764

@BingIsALittleShit

Have a read of this:

www.gottman.com/blog/the-5-couple-types/

What do you think? Which one are you? What is your DP?

Go google John Gottmans credentials, books, videos and YouTube.

@kittykat798 there is abuse. Not sure what you're missing?

It sounds like he should be at playgroup, nevermind the DS!

He's a real unkind man.

Seriously.

Now I know arguing isn't good, but it's not as bad as his own upbringing was. There's never been any cheating or physical abuse etc

But, it's still an unhappy environment, OP.

You both sound really immature tbh.
And you can afford a cleaner but not a car seat (which doesn’t have to cost £200 by the way).

You need to stop the daft games. I think you need to decide if this is a relationship you want to stay in and improve or if you want to call it a day. Life is hard enough without a partner playing silly and taking the car and your rings. But you shouldn't have hidden his watch. Maybe he didn't realise he had the car seat. And this ringing the estate agent is just to get your re-action. And all this not allowed a cleaner. Well he should do the cleaning himself then.

And you can afford a cleaner but not a car seat

I will be able to afford a cleaner if I get this new job overnight, that was what we were talking about that lead to the argument in the first place.

And Vivienne he 100% knew he had the car seat and pushchair, we don't swap them from one car to the other, they are always in his car.

And thank you for the links Bibbidee, the emotional flooding really makes a lot of sense.

Your Dad sounds like a wise man....

He is serial

I would absolutely in a heart beat leave my husband if he behaved in a way to hurt our son which is essentially what taking the car today was. He knew his child wouldn't get to do the things planned because of his actions and he chose to do it anyway? That sickens me. I know your DS won't really care at this age but that's a horrible precedent to set up and it's really controlling.

Leave leave leave.

It sounds as though your DH has no model for what a 'good relationship' should look like. Unfortunately, he's not going to get one if he refuses counselling or to discuss matters. He's going to end up perpetuating the cycle because he genuinely doesn't know how things are supposed to go in a proper, balanced relationship.

You need to leave. Maybe it will give him a wake up call (although I'd suspect not, and don't fall for any 'I've changed, I'll do everything if you just come back!' unless he gets some form of therapy).

You Need to st down and really think about what you want. Do you want your ds to grow up a household arguing and behaving childish?

I know sourpatchkid I'm furious about that. He knows how bored DS gets in the house all day and that he loves getting out and about. He did it to piss me off more than anything but the only person he hurt was DS.

I'm really struggling with my feelings about all this. I do still want to be with him, but I just cannot see past what he has done right now. I know in the grand scheme of things it's not that bad. But he still locked me out my own home. Took my rings back. And basically left us stranded in the house all day. That's going to be hard to forgive. And there needs to be a major change. I'm willing to do what I need to be done to make this work, but I really can't see him being sorry enough or willing to change. He will say all the right things but nothing will change really.

I just don't know what to do.

Well, you could go out for a walk... let your DS toddle along climbing steps and jumping off and poking things with a stick...not having the buggy doesn't mean you are literally confined to the house, does it?

He is not very good walking if I only hold his hand, he runs off so needs to be on his reins really, and they were also the car.

So we could literally have gone for 2 min walk round the block and that's about it.

I don’t think arguments about division of housework ever really get solved.
The issue is often that you have different standards, one partner’s definition of reasonably clean and tidy is different to another. For instance I don’t mind The laundry being stacked in the utility room until I really have to take it upstairs, whereas my husband would want it to be tidy all the time.
Similarly, I wash up after every meal whereas he would leave it all day and do one big lot. The only way round it is that the things that Bother us we do ourselves (he tidied the utility or I wash up - or actually we got a dishwasher so it took the issue away).
But nobody ever really willingly changes their standards. If this is a deal breaker for you, then you need to leave, because it doesn’t get any better.

In the grand scheme of things it is that bad op. It's a terrible, toxic relationship that will have serious repercussions for your son.

I agree, his behaviour doesn’t sound abusive but it seems the two of you are incompatible and if you’re going to spend your time together squabbling, you’d be better off apart.

From her main post, I just don't see it as abusive. I'm sorry, I don't. I've spent years learning about abuse and whilst it's easy to say something highlights as an abusive tactic, you could say that about most things.

As I said, if this behaviour was out of the blue one off, it doesn't scream abuse, it screams childish immaturity.

Also, you don't know that he thought about the fact that the child seat was in the car and did it purposefully. So everyone is attacking him for something that may be innocent! That is what causes issues in marriages, assumptions, thinking one party is innocent whilst the other is guilty.

For all you know, he was angry, had a bad night's sleep, got in his car and drove off. Didn't see the seat, didn't think twice. If he did it purposefully then he's a bastard and an idiot, but we don't know that for sure.

Locking you out of the house is bad, but then again, you may have come across hysterical for all we know, or he was trying to gain power in the situation and last minute panicked and thought this was a good idea - stupidly. If he does it again, then yeah, not good, but otherwise, I don't think it's unforgiveable with hard work.

Also the whole stonewalling thing, give me a break. Yes it can be an abusive tactic. But also, sometimes you just don't want to talk to someone. I know if I'm fuming then I can't talk or I'll break down, so I go into myself and don't talk. I do think it's better than shouting especially if you've got a kid in the house. I think that's something you need to talk through.

Honestly, imo, I think your marriage needs work, but I think it's ridiculous to be like 'LTB, get away' until you have an adult conversation.

But kitty, he took the car that always has the car seat and the buggy in it. The OP explained this. It was no accidental oversight.