What the hell do I do now?

[BingIsALittleShit]

Right so I know I'm probably going to get a chorus of LTB, but just for background, DP and I have been together for about 7 years now. We have 1 DS who is 18 months old. We share a house together, both work and pay equally etc.

So yesterday we had an argument, which has been somewhat reoccurring over the past few months. Basically, he has become lazy, and leaves everything to me. Yes, he works more hours than me, but I am home every evening to put DS to bed etc. He literally doesn't care one jot about housework, but also refuses to let me get a cleaner. So not sure what I'm meant to do.

I needed calm down, as I was so annoyed, and didn't want to be around him. He will just ignore me when he's in a mood and it's not a good environment for DS. So, I left. I will add, that he does his EVERY time we argue, will fuck off to god knows where until he is ready to come home and talk. Or sit and ignore me, whichever!

So after a few hours, I go home. And...he's locked me out the house not sure what he was trying to achieve to be honest but there we go. I stood outside, calmly, but knocking the door/window, thinking he would let me in, not wanting DS to be woken. He texts my Dad telling him to call me and tell me to calm down because I was 'acting like a lunatic' apparently. I wasn't, I was calm. Anyway, so he eventually lets me in. Not a word is said between us, and I go to bed, he sleeps on the sofa which is usual after we have argued.

This morning wake up to find my engagement ring and another ring he got me, gone.

I will admit I was really petty and whilst he was in the shower, I hid his iwatch. He did ask if I'd seen it, probably assuming DS had messed with it. I said, 'have you checked if it's win my rings?'. He said 'it's over, you don't need them anymore'. I said fair enough and he goes off to work.

But, now I've realised he's taken his car, which has the car seat and pushchair in it. We have a car each, and we swap depending who has DS. So if I'm off and he's working, he takes my car, because the car seat etc is in his car. It's always been like that.

So now, I'm sat here absolutely raging, and DS is already bouncing off the walls and because that selfish prick has taken his car, we can't go to playgroup now. He's text me saying he's going to ring an estate agent to come and value the house so we can sell.

I will add, we had only just made up on Sunday, from an argument about something else earlier in the week.

Honestly OP this is a horrible relationship. He is playing with your head and causing you to do similar to get him back. Your child will not do well in this environment.

It sounds like you are in an excellent position to start over. Many women find themselves trapped in an unhealthy EA marriage because they are not earning and have lost their self esteem. It sounds like your career is going very well and you have lots of local support. I think you will be so much happier away from him and when you find a new healthy relationship you will suddenly realise just how bad your marriage was.

It's just really hard to walk away. We've been together for so long, I was so in love with him well before we even got together and I actually moved to the other side of the world to be with him. And we have just been through so so much.

How do you end it just like that??

I know he has ended it so I might not have any choice in the matter. But it's devastating, it's not what I want.

Bing - same happened with me with both the fathers of my children. Absolutely fine pre their children being born but once they got a taste of a sahm or a woman on maternity leave doing it all, they expect it even after the woman has gone back to work. It's such relentless and thankless and disrespectful and there's no reason why they can't pull their weight at home.

Anyway, when you leave him he'll have to do it all and you will only have to cater for you and your child.

His attitude doesnt screan "loves you" to me. Lots of people make desperate empty promises to change, because they dont want their OP to leave them. Of course they often dont change, or try hard enough, but they at least have INTENTION. It sounds like hes not that bothered if you leave, its not worth even attempting to change. He basically cant be assed.
I cant say LTB, because it sounds like hes "left" you already. But if he hadnt, thats what Id be saying...the situation just sounds horrible. For all of you including Ds.

Yeah that makes sense. Being on maternity leave, because DS was so good, I had time to do everything so probably didn't moan as much, and he just got used to the fact I would do it all and he never had to lift a finger. Cos poor him he had to go back to work.

I've been back at work for 10 months now, and it's so so hard, juggling work and housework, having a life and childcare etc. How do people manage it?

I'm sorry but it sounds like you're both constantly playing childish games and arguing.

Personally, I'd leave so that my child can live in a more stable environment.

Someone who loves you doesn't behave like this.

Lots of people make desperate empty promises to change

Yeah he does do that. 'I'll try harder, I promise' 'I'll do x, y and z' 🙄

Until recently when he started with the 'you're always telling me to change' blah blah blah.

And you have a responsibility to your child to provide a safe and stable environment. Forgetting all the bullshit 'we're so in love/but so toxic' for a min, there's a little child here that is in the middle of this. Do the right thing by your child and remove yourself from a toxic home life.

I just know if he comes home and says all the right things, I'll end up forgiving him and it'll all just get swept under the carpet until it all blows up again 😔

How do you get through to someone like this? Can abusive people ever change?

Writing all this down I see how bad it is. And if I were reading this I'd be rolling my eyes to all the 'we love each other' stuff. what is wrong with me??

Why did you his his watch though?

How old are you both?

I took his watch because he took my rings Quite.

We are 27 and 28.

I am going to play devil's advocate here. By no means am I justifying his behaviour.

However, arguments are almost always due to a breakdown in communication. As you have DS I would attempt to never respond to any tone of voice that is argumentative. I also learned a technique with my ex that I use on my current DP. Imagine you're in a fight with someone, if they talk to you like a teacher talks to a student, you feel patronised, threatened, intimidated and angry. However, if you talk to them as another student would, you're on equal playing fields. When I lose my temper I always try to quickly change my tone of voice. This helps confrontation.

I think housework is a difficult one. Yes it should be shared equally, but no one really wants to do it. He's probably used to you picking up the pieces if he doesn't. He also has every right to not do something if he doesn't want to. Of course, you'll live in a dump but maybe it'd help him see how much you do.

My DP and I both can never be bothered, but I'm a clean freak. As a result, we have an agreement. I'll do all the washing, he always takes the bin out. Because I hate the bins and I enjoy washing. We take it in turns to wash up plates for dinner or we wash up our own. Then one day a week we each take control of a room to clean.

Really the cleaning is obviously not the real issue here. It's respect. You need to talk to eachother and discuss why you feel that he isn't respecting you. For example 'when X happens, I feel like Y' don't ever say 'when you do this...' as this is blaming someone.

I'm going to disagree with a lot of people here. Whilst the behaviour is bad, I do think you should always do what you can to make a relationship work when a child is involved (unless there's been cheating, abuse etc). I do think splitting up affects children and either way, you two need to sort out your issues for the sake of the child otherwise he will grow up with an unhealthy view of relationships.

Thank you for your reply kitty.

I do always try and watch my tone, and if I can see he's starting to get on the defensive or wound up, I do take a minute and try to approach it differently, it's just hard when someone is so snappy and quick to jump down your throat at every little thing. It works occasionally but mostly not, his temper tends to take over.

We also had an agreement, he was meant to do more than just the dishwasher and the bin. But he just stopped doing it or would leave it for so long I got fed up or looking at the mess pile up and did it myself. It's not so easy to leave everything a mess, as I am a bit of a clean freak, but I'm not expecting a show home. Just a reasonably clean and tidy house. Also there are so many little things, that he just over looks, and there would be so much to divide up if we were going to do that. I.e wiping over the shower or cleaning the toilet etc. He 'doesn't notice' I shouldn't have to ask him to do x, y and z. This is why I wanted a cleaner and I don't think I'm unreasonable to want one. I know it's expensive but will be able to afford it. My point to him is that I'm already struggling and will have less time to do everything being back full time and if he isn't going to help more, I need someone who will.

I also feel the same, if we didn't have DS it would be so much easier to walk away, but I want it to work and for us to be a happy family. I know deep down he feels the same, he was deeply affected by his home life, and wants to give DS the upbringing he never had. Now I know arguing isn't good, but it's not as bad as his own upbringing was. There's never been any cheating or physical abuse etc. I know he would never do anything like that.

We've had the rows over housework. We both work the same number of hours, except I have a very long commute on top. I just couldn't cope and he was reticent to hire a cleaner. In the end I just got one for every other week. Paid for it myself out of my allocation of our joint finances (we both have the same amount to play with). It has made a HUGE difference, and DH can see it now also.

Helps that DH totally pulls his weight alongside this. It was more that I needed to outsource some of my allocated housework!!

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.

I walked away after 10 years and one child - having also moved internationally - it was the best thing possible because things were not right.

For the record, I've now remarried and am very happy.

How can you bear to be spoken to like that? To be told that he will ring the police, that you’re acting like a lunatic, that you don’t need your rings because it’s over.

How can you think that he puts DS first when he has deliberately caused him to miss playgroup that he loves going to, and when he treats DS’s mother, probably his most beloved person, like absolute trash.

I couldn’t bear to breathe the same air as this utter prick, treating you like this because you want him to do his fair share of the chores?

What Brie said.

I actually think - given the number of arguments he has and how he seems to think that everything is his decision - you’re going to need mediation to separate.

Take the rings and all important paperwork to your parents’ house today. Good luck

He’s abusive. The only way it will change is that it will get worse.

You have a good job, your health and a supportive family. Get out now before you are ground down by him and have fewer options, and your child is emotionally damaged.

I know, I know, you're all right 😔

Firstly, how dare he take your rings. Your property. Not his. As for the car seats, call a taxi to take you out with your child. Don’t let him dictate if you stay home or not. He’s acting incredibly immature. Telling you it’s over etc...do you really want to be treated like this? It’s not really a good relationship is it? It’s obvious that he’s lost interest and disengaged and he’s showing that passive aggressively by not bothering to help around the house. Call him on it. Lock the door. Message him and tell him to check into a hotel until he can be civil and mature

Can you go to your mums for a couple of days?
Just to get your head clear and decide what you want to do.

There's no space for me and DS hellsbells

 op. I can sense how desperately you want to make this work. I totally get the cleaning thing. We argue every time I get fed up of doing it all. Admittedly I don't work as I'm too poorly, but when I complained last week that he'd been home for two days and just played on the PS, I got, "it's my day off", "I'll help when I want to". "So dont the long hours I work count?" I don't get days off. I'm up at stupid o'clock every am with ds. There is literally no point arguing is there, as I'm sure you know as well as me that it won't get us anywhere. Im sorry for sharing my experience, I don't mean to turn it to me, I just wanted you to know I get that part. (Disclaimer, he will eventually help in his own time).

I don't have the abuse that you have described to put up with though, and even for ds, I don't think I would. For him actually to lock you out, hide your things, threaten things being over and sending an estate agent out. He's not respecting you at all and it makes me sad for you. Try and take the high ground and control while you can.

From what you've described you would hopefully be able to get out and give your child a good home life, free from emotional abuse and the strain of walking on egg shells. Protect yourself and him and start thinking about finances and papers and things you need. If you can't bring yourself to leave now at least you'll know your way out. Take care op.