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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Critical DH, will my dc be better with or without him?

87 replies

Nevergiveupdreaming · 05/02/2018 20:42

My DH is overly critical of dc. He is often negative and rarely praises them.
I feel like we are at a crossroad as we are privately renting but have just had a mortgage approved on a house. I feel really panicky as I don’t know if tying ourselves together even more is good or bad. He has a small property to sell which he purchased when we separated briefly last year so we are currently paying mortgage and bills on that as well as our rented property, we are struggling financially so either need to split and he move into his place or go ahead with the sale and purchase.

His negativity is really difficult to manage. I am often stepping in when he is criticising one of the dc. Do you think having one positive parent is enough to outweigh the negative?

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 05/02/2018 20:48

Have you spoken to him about how he is with DC? Is he aware of how critical he is ? Maybe you could go on a joint parenting course to try get him up to speed with best practice parenting styles .

Could you delay the house purchase a bit longer or take a break from the relationship whilst you assess things or have you fallen out of love with him and would rather work on being separated parents to your child?

Some big questions there that you probably need to consider but I don't think rushing things because of the house purchase would help, think it through xxx

Teabay · 05/02/2018 21:48

Better without, 1000%.

Solasum · 05/02/2018 21:51

If you stay your kids will grow up feeling they aren’t good enough for the one person who is supposed to love them unconditionally.

Cricrichan · 05/02/2018 22:25

I would tell him and warn him that unless he changes , you will be splitting up. Hold off buying a house

user1493413286 · 05/02/2018 22:29

The two of you splitting up won’t stop the effects of his criticism as I’m assuming he’ll still see them?
The bigger question is what can you do to show him how he’s impacting on them and does he want to change how he acts?
And also do you want to be with him?

TheVeryHungryDieter · 06/02/2018 08:10

You know the way, if you hear ten good things about yourself and one bad one, you focus on the bad one? And ignore the good? How does (even occasional) criticism make you feel?

Your children don't even have ten people saying good things to them. They only have you, and you're the subject of criticism and negativity too. They'll have heard your faults pointed out, and family being what it is they'll probably have heard something they agree with or don't find an inaccurate criticism (or just can't tell if it's wrong: "there's no food in the house and you never plan the shopping properly" for example- we know it's a grumble but a child has no way to tell that isn't true).

So your place is in the wrong too.

Why on earth should they believe you when you tell then his criticism of them is unwarranted?

You need to limit his exposure. Be ten times the positive experience to his negative. At 1:1, it's never going to be good enough.

Original poster
Nevergiveupdreaming · 06/02/2018 19:47

Thanks for all your replies.

I have 4 dc, 2 are dh’s. It’s little things that he could put a positive spin on like checking their homework or them eating dinner but he is always so negative. He also seems to have control issues, for example the amount of time they read for, how long they brush their teeth for, what time they get their pj’s on. He is not much fun to be around, he started a new less stressful job recently and I was hoping that would help but it hasn’t.

He has to have everything his way and if I challenge this he turns it around and says I only care about myself and raises his voice as he knows that will make me stop talking as I worry about dc hearing.

OP posts:
FarmerSee · 06/02/2018 19:53

As a child of an extremely critical negative moody 'father' who quashed any self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence I dared to have.... WITHOUT

He disowned me when I was 18 when I swore at him in frustration due to his self-centred uncaring nature. Genuinely the best thing he ever did for me (however the 18 yrs of his mental abuse was well and truly ingrained in my brain by this point and the damage was permanent).

Hidingtonothing · 06/02/2018 19:54

Having read your update he sounds controlling/abusive OP. How old are DC roughly?

Original poster
Nevergiveupdreaming · 06/02/2018 20:02

That’s awful farmer, thank you for sharing

They are between 3-11

OP posts:
Cambionome · 06/02/2018 20:14

Life is way too short for that negative, depressing, demoralising shit.

Don't put your dc through that.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2018 20:18

is he worse with your DC...or just negative all round?

Original poster
Nevergiveupdreaming · 06/02/2018 20:35

He is negative all round but I think at times he is worse with the older two who are not his

OP posts:
Original poster
Nevergiveupdreaming · 06/02/2018 21:39

I feel so confused. I need to make a decision once and for all. I just can’t do it either way. We put the wheels in motion today for our purchase, something inside me is trying desperately to hit the brakes. I don’t know if I’m just over thinking things though.
Option 1 - What if I tell him I don’t want to buy a house, he will more than likely tell me he is moving into the flat then and kick off making life impossible. Or he is really nice and I regret it.
Option 2 - I buy the house and we either work it all out and he starts being positive and kind or I regret it and I’m stuck.

I really don’t know ...

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 06/02/2018 21:44

The reason I asked about DC's ages was because I was wondering whether they would even want contact with him if you split but being so young it's probably less relevant. I do think you have more chance of outweighing his negativity if you're apart though, at least DC would get a break from his negativity when they're with you.

Glynroberts · 06/02/2018 21:50

Split now

rowdywoman1 · 06/02/2018 21:56

You said 'he is worse with the older two who are not his'.
That would ring such alarm bells for me OP. He is a hostile stepfather to your two oldest? That is unforgivable. How do they feel about him?

Original poster
Nevergiveupdreaming · 06/02/2018 22:31

They don’t like him. They say he is always bossing them around and they can’t do anything when he is here.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 07/02/2018 00:17

And you're still with him, when you know they're right? Your DC should be more important to you than him op.

Thermione · 07/02/2018 00:25

You need to split, he sounds absolutely awful and your kids don't like him. I guarantee your life will be happier without this control freak Dementor.

mumofthe21stcentury · 07/02/2018 03:41

Negativity will have an impact on you! I came out of a negative relationship. I was the cheerleader for the both of us. She was so so SO negative that makes things impossible. I was always down because of her negativity.

It's who they are; you can't change them.

Children absorb more than you think. If you want your children to have a better life, walk away now before it's too late

CiderwithBuda · 07/02/2018 04:15

Your older two don't like him. Your younger two won't like him. You will spend your life walking on eggshells. It's crap for your DCs confidence etc.

Can you afford to buy on your own? Why did you split before?

The fact that he raises his voice if you question him is him deliberately shutting you up.

He sounds miserable to live with.

Begrateful · 07/02/2018 05:09

Sounds like when your DH is around everyone including him is miserable. This is not a healthy situation for you and your children. Why is he so critical of the DC? Do you think he can ever change?

It's great to stay together as a family unit but if his behaviour is going to in future cause damage to the DC then separating has to be seriously considered. I

SandyY2K · 07/02/2018 06:30

They don’t like him. They say he is always bossing them around and they can’t do anything when he is here.
This is every reason not move forward without discussion.

You can tell him you have seen tj e change in the DC when he's around and you have noticed his negativity....it isn't good for the DC and even if he needs to correct them on something...there are ways to do it.

DayKay · 07/02/2018 07:43

Your instincts are right. Put the brakes on.
He sounds miserable and controlling. None of you will be happy living with him.
I have seen people change, so I’m not the type to say they never change but it’s not common.
If he understands why you’re backing out and wants to change (absolutely crucial) then he he needs to actually go and do some about it like a parenting course and counselling.