Critical DH, will my dc be better with or without him?

[Nevergiveupdreaming]

My DH is overly critical of dc. He is often negative and rarely praises them.
I feel like we are at a crossroad as we are privately renting but have just had a mortgage approved on a house. I feel really panicky as I don’t know if tying ourselves together even more is good or bad. He has a small property to sell which he purchased when we separated briefly last year so we are currently paying mortgage and bills on that as well as our rented property, we are struggling financially so either need to split and he move into his place or go ahead with the sale and purchase.

His negativity is really difficult to manage. I am often stepping in when he is criticising one of the dc. Do you think having one positive parent is enough to outweigh the negative?

No you're not being unreasonable, you're trying to concentrate on DS's party, which is exactly what your DH should be doing! Talking tonight is perfectly reasonable and it says a lot about DH that he's trying to make today about him. I would just keep reminding him that today is DS's day and anything you and he have to discuss can wait, hope it all goes ok

SandyY2k would marriage counselling help with his relationship with dc? Or do you think family counselling may?
Or is this past all that?
I would love for something to help him see what he is doing. I had been asking around for parenting courses, I was hoping we can do one together in April, we need an evening one as we both work, they are like gold dust!
I don’t want to give up if there is a chance he can change. I am involved with a parenting program and I have seen other people completely change their views on how to parent and their attitude toward their dc, he doesn’t take the information from me though, says I’m preaching.

Marriage counselling is really about your relationship with him. It would give an opportunity for you to state on neutral ground, why you are looking at ending the relationship...which centres around the DC.

He would have to accept that there is a problem or at least acknowledge your concerns....you need to give examples of his negativity and critical behaviour and the impact on your DC.

Family therapy is helpful .... there may be a minimum age for participants. Again this requires an open mind from all.

What is key...is him being aware of his behaviour and gaining an understanding of how it comes across.

I know you said he was worse with the older two...that aren't his...he could just be worse because they're older. Often people expect more of the older ones.

Or it could be that it is because they aren't his.

If he wants this marriage to work...he has to take your concerns on board...you make it clear his behaviour is a dealbreaker and unless he commits to change...you'll be gone.

I hate to sound like a knee jerk LTB-er, but... It doesn't sound like he's trying very hard to change your mind about splitting up. If this is his attitude now, when his relationship is in danger and he potentially has the power to save it, what will he be like when he realises you're willing to put the hard work in to salvage the situation?

I know your DS' comments have thrown you. But that's one child, who feels that way on one occasion, at one point in his life. I don't know how I would have answered at that age, but I don't think it was good for me growing up walking on eggshells.

Never mind the children (and it sounds like they deserve better) what is living with him doing to you? Can you do this for the rest of your life?

I spoke to him yesterday, I was suprised as he didn’t turn anything around on me, he listened to what I had to say and agreed to try and be less critical with me and dc
Today he was only home from work for 30 mins and he was moaning and raising his voice at dc3.

So what did you do in response?

Stepped in and took over, calmed things down.

Does he realise he did it?

Did you point out to him that he was doing it again?
Write down what he sad, word for word and show him. Sometimes it looks worse written down.
It’s not good enough that he says he’ll try to be less critical, he needs to figure out how he’s going to change his behaviour. What is he going to do in a situation where he could be critical? How is he going to stop himself?
Is he going to walk away? Keep quiet? Smile and engage a nice manner instead? What?

Sorry for my delayed response. I’ve been trying to sort my life out and pretend everything is ok.
No I don’t think he does realise
He was working away last night so I invited dc 1&2’s friends for a sleepover. It was really great, the first time we have hosted due to space and grumpy DH. It was lovely to just chill and watch a film with them all.
This evening he has come back, tired from working away which I understand. I suggested going out for pub dinner alone as I had arranged a babysitter as a surprise, we went out but I felt like he was looking for an argument, he was fine most of the time and said the same to me that I was in a mood. I suppose I was a bit as I just felt judged constantly, for booking a table, for dropping a car seat at my mums tonight instead of on my way to work in the morning, for using the wrong terminology in a conversation....
I thought I should buy the house as then at least I would automatically be entitled to half the equity

Hi Never, it must be so hard for you at the moment. You know, it sounds so familiar to me (my STBXH moved out a month ago, I initiated the split), that feeling of only being able to relax and be yourself when your DH is away.

It sounds to me like you are both very tense around each other, and that neither of you can relax in each others company.