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Original poster

Critical DH, will my dc be better with or without him?

87 replies

Nevergiveupdreaming · 05/02/2018 20:42

My DH is overly critical of dc. He is often negative and rarely praises them.
I feel like we are at a crossroad as we are privately renting but have just had a mortgage approved on a house. I feel really panicky as I don’t know if tying ourselves together even more is good or bad. He has a small property to sell which he purchased when we separated briefly last year so we are currently paying mortgage and bills on that as well as our rented property, we are struggling financially so either need to split and he move into his place or go ahead with the sale and purchase.

His negativity is really difficult to manage. I am often stepping in when he is criticising one of the dc. Do you think having one positive parent is enough to outweigh the negative?

OP posts:
Jessie1980 · 07/02/2018 08:00

Hi op
I was in a similar situation to you, just two dc 3 and 5 and a very negative dh who was highly critical, emotionally detached and somewhat controlling of the dc. I spoke to him about it on a few occasions, the first few times it was turned back onto me that he was strict only because I let them away with everything (not true) but I got so fed up with it and dreaded him coming home (he worked away for 6 weeks then would be home for 6 weeks). Holidays were miserable for me, I couldn't relax and have fun with the kids as he'd usually have a face on him, even a.waiter on holiday once told him to 'cheer up'.
Anyway I left him around 3 months ago, moved out of our marital home with the kids. He has the kids when he is home for odd days/nights and has now stepped up to being a better father. Spending time with them, talking to them all because he is on his own with them when he has them. On one hand I feel it's sad he had to sacrifice his marriage to become a better father but it's better for the kids. And there was so much resentment built up over the 5 years wed had kids, I'm not sure I could have gotten over it. I'm so glad I left him, there's not.that 'black cloud' hanging over us anymore.

Jessie1980 · 07/02/2018 08:01

Mine refused relationship counselling etc, said he'd rather split up...Hmm rather split up than have to have a good look at his behaviour and have to change.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 07/02/2018 08:14

Hi OP, your DH sounds a little like my DF. He was incredibly controlling, remote, never said a single positive thing to any of us. He didn't speak to me for five years when my ex H left, leaving me a single parent because of the shame. He was absolutely always right and nobody else's view counted for anything. We all developed serious issues as adults (I'm a recovering alcoholic) - I'm not attributing blame in any way but it was my way of dealing with it. I've only ever been comfortable in emotionally abusive relationships with men because my self esteem has always been so low. I doubt any compliment a man has ever given me.

My DF died last week. I'm not sure what my feelings are but my main concern at present is supporting my DM. My DB was asked to write a tribute for his funeral - it was an incredibly sad list of all his resentments of the criticisms our father had levelled at him since he was a child (we won't be using it!).

I would say leave. Your DC will most likely be very damaged if you stay.

butterfly56 · 07/02/2018 08:18

Yo gut instinct is spot on OP.
Your children are suffering because of him.
They will remember this when they are older and it can cause major problems for them as they grow.
Put you and your childrens' emotional and physical well being first and end this with him while you have the chance.
He is truly awful OP Flowers

GeorgeTheHamster · 07/02/2018 08:21

I think on general there is much too much LTB on here.

But in general it is always good to heed your gut feeling. And you want to leave don't you.

Hermonie2016 · 07/02/2018 08:40

A "do nothing now" approach is right for noe.You can hold the mortgage for a period of time.

If he reacts badly by moving out you have your answer...your feelings or thoughts are not important.

You can't control his responses or even predict them but it absolutely reasonable for you to be saying "hold on".
A reasonable partner might be disappointed but would listen to you because they would care if you are happy.

Listen to your gut, ask for a holding period and see his reaction.If he is critical, hostile or blames you then you KNOW he can't change.
What was his upbringing like?
I left because I wanted to break the cycle for my dc, ex had cold, abusive and controlling parents and I didn't want that legacy to continue.

Twenty4seven · 07/02/2018 08:57

Don’t understand why you classify him as DH - where is the darling in him? Does he have any good points? If you can’t think of any, it may not be worth trying to work on his critical/control issues.

saladdays66 · 07/02/2018 09:00

He has to have everything his way and if I challenge this he turns it around and says I only care about myself and raises his voice as he knows that will make me stop talking as I worry about dc hearing.

Your dc don't like him.

You need to put them above him. He has a choice about how to behave; they have no choice about living with him. He sounds depressing, controlling and energy-sapping. That's no way to live, always having to listen to dh and jump in if he's too critical of the dc.

WhoWants2Know · 07/02/2018 09:19

Kids come first. They can't make the choice to vote with their feet.

It sounds like hope that he will change is the only thing that keeps you going. If his job is less stressful, maybe he'll be nice. If you move, maybe he'll be nice.

The truth is that if he were a nice man, he would already be treating you and your children well.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 07/02/2018 09:24

They will be better off without his negativity influencing their lives, 100%. He's making you all unhappy and the constant criticism will have a lasting affect on your children which will be damaging to them.

PeppermintPasty · 07/02/2018 09:29

I had a similar choice to make a few years ago. It took me a while to weigh it all up, but one day crystallised it all for me when my critical ex was basically slagging off our 6 yo whilst said 6 yo looked up at him drinking it all in.

Ex was very controlling too, which was hilarious in one way as he was an atrocious father. At the root of his criticism was his basic belief that his lifestyle should not have to change because of dc. I often think that this is the root cause with this sort of issue. The so called adult has some deep rooted resentment somewhere of the child/having children/adapting their life.

Your partner sounds like he wants the children to fit round him, rather than all of you getting on and mucking in together.

Until I chucked him out, I had no idea just how badly the three of us (dd, ds and I) were walking on eggshells around him. Horrible way to live. They are so much happier now, I have absolutely no regrets (other than not doing it sooner).

Original poster
Nevergiveupdreaming · 07/02/2018 16:17

I have just caught up on all of your responses, been at work all day now at the dc swimming lessons.

“D”H text me this morning ...
Why are you always trying to be in a mood? Look OP I don’t want to argue with you but when your in a mood it brings me down to

I replied....
I’m sorry DH but I can’t cope with the negative atmosphere anymore. I almost never hear you say anything positive to the kids, especially DC1 and DC2 and I can see the impact this is having on them. You probably don’t realise you are doing it but I’m always on edge thinking what are you going to moan about next. This on top of getting very little sleep is why I’m feeling low and moody as you put it. We deserve a happy home. I’m seriously thinking we should not be buying this house.

He then replied....
That’s right put all the blame onto me
I got your miss Perfect

So I have been too busy to take his 5 missed calls today, I called him when I was on my way to collect DC from school, he blamed me as usual, saying I’m controlling etc. I asked him why, if I am so bad, does he not leave? He asked if that is what I want and I said yes, he hung up.

I feel like curling up with a large bottle of wine and crying, but I can’t. It’s our sons birthday tomorrow just to add to the pressure.

OP posts:
ModreB · 07/02/2018 18:20

If he is that critical of a child, whether it is his child or not, you need to leave if you want all of your children to have a good, positive, relationship with themselves and each other.

I wish my own mother had made that choice, she didn't, and, years of therapy later I will never be the person that I should have been if she had just stopped him.

It just chips away at your confidence, until it's chipped away to nothing. Why would you want that for any of your children.

DayKay · 07/02/2018 18:21

That sounds so hard.
Don’t let your dh put the blame on you. When he tries to turn it back, remind him that you want to focus on the discussion at hand.
Unless he has an awakening, it doesn’t sound like he’s going to address it as he doesn’t think there’s an issue.

Concentrate on your ds and try to make his birthday as lovely as possible.

pointythings · 07/02/2018 19:13

His answers to your texts should tell you everything you need to know. He will always turn things back on you. He will never accept responsibility. He will not change. You need to get past your DS' birthday and then start tackling this. Either he gets his shit together and becomes a decent human being (unlikely) or you need to start making plans to leave. I'm sorry you have ended up with a man like this.

Original poster
Nevergiveupdreaming · 07/02/2018 20:07

It’s my fault I’ve ended up with him. There were plenty of warning signs early on and I choose to ignore them so I deserve to be going through this now. I feel like I’m trying to run through treacle

OP posts:
Cambionome · 07/02/2018 20:40

Flowers Feel for you. I've been here and it's massive head fuck. Sad

Stay strong though - you are doing the right thing.

pointythings · 07/02/2018 20:42

Nobody deserves this. Your DC certainly don't deserve this. Honestly - start planning your exit. Then do the Freedom Programme to help you make better choices in the future. You and your DC both deserve a happier life without him.

DayKay · 07/02/2018 20:47

It’s not your fault he’s an arse. That’s all down to him.
You will get through this. Stay strong. You’ll get support here so keep posting.
Do you have any friends or family who can support you too?

Rach000 · 07/02/2018 20:50

I think you know you need to leave if you have a feeling you shouldn't buy the house. Good luck as sounds like you have started to get out now.
If the older kids don't like him then it's not a good sign.

Jessie1980 · 07/02/2018 21:03

I've been here too, I found it difficult to make the decision to leave and break up the family, I'd never imagined that happening to me. But the thought was worse than the reality. You cannot control.his behaviour, it's his fault, not yours and if he isn't willing to change or even admit what he is doing is wrong then he doesn't leave you many options. That's how I made my decision. I laid my cards on the table, he refused to acknowledge any of it saying it was me and he was only doing his best by the kids blah blah and denied a few home.truths.
Then via text he asked.if I was leaving him and basically said if I wanted to.go, it wasn't fair of.him.to try and stop.me and that was it.... Says it all...some men are unreal...was with him 9 years and would never had imagined this reaction to an issue. Coward.

Original poster
Nevergiveupdreaming · 07/02/2018 21:06

Thanks
My friends and family are all sick of it. Our relationship is up and down so they would just think we are having a moment and it will blow over. I don’t want to burden them with it.
I have been avoiding calls from our conveyancer all day. I can’t talk to him about it as it will end in an argument.

OP posts:
misscph1973 · 07/02/2018 21:22

Oh, dear OP, I have read most of the thread. That is such a hard place to be. But he's never going to even try to understand you and he will never stop being defensive when you try to talk to him about the problems, because in his mind he has done nothing wrong.

Trust your gut instinct that you don't want to buy this house with him. A year from now you will be thankful that you didn't.

RockinHippy · 07/02/2018 21:46

You can't base a future on maybe, only what is & he is behaving in a controlling, critical manner to both you & the DCs, plus it sounds biased against his step DCs

I'm sorry, but some of your comments scream "run for the hills" whilst you still can. Especially that he sounds quite manipulative when you try to discuss it with him, raising his voice so,you feel you have to shut up for the kids sake.

That is not an equal partner, but a man who thinks his word is law. I wouldn't move in with him in these circumstances

RockinHippy · 07/02/2018 21:51

Oops, sorry, just caught up Blush

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I think you're u know it's the right thing for you all. You will all be happier long term x

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