Critical DH, will my dc be better with or without him?

[Nevergiveupdreaming]

My DH is overly critical of dc. He is often negative and rarely praises them.
I feel like we are at a crossroad as we are privately renting but have just had a mortgage approved on a house. I feel really panicky as I don’t know if tying ourselves together even more is good or bad. He has a small property to sell which he purchased when we separated briefly last year so we are currently paying mortgage and bills on that as well as our rented property, we are struggling financially so either need to split and he move into his place or go ahead with the sale and purchase.

His negativity is really difficult to manage. I am often stepping in when he is criticising one of the dc. Do you think having one positive parent is enough to outweigh the negative?

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. But I think you know that his criticism of the children will affect them. Possibly for their whole lives if unlucky. I can still recall things from childhood that hurt me even now.

I hope you find the strength to move on from him

I was thinking of ways to make him want to leave so he goes quietly. Don’t want to do anything to make a bad atmosphere for dc though.
He is on best behaviour now, but older dc were with their dad last night and I know it won’t last.

As a child of a very critical and negative mother (but one who would never admit she does it), I can tell you your kids would be better off without. Growing up with a parent like that, (and mine was in lots of other ways a good Mum), left me with zero self confidence, low self esteem, low level depression...and a battle to silence the inner criticism voice that screams at me at all bloody times now... it took me until I had kids of my own to even realise that they way she is is totally awful, and that I didn't need to listen to it anymore...
if you are feeling uneasy and you have a way out now, then I would take it.
You and your kids will thrive without someone being negative in your ear all the time. You'll be amazed.

I am so sorry you are going through this but I hope in a few years' time you'll be able to look back and be grateful that the potential house deal was the turning point that gave you the guts to leave.

Your family and friends may find it hard to understand but it is entirely normal to find it hard to leave an abusive relationship (criticism and controlling is abuse)--the statistic is that it takes an average of 7 tries before you leave successfully. Don't feel guilty about that, and don't be afraid to reach out for help and ask for understanding from friends and family.

good luck, you are doing the right thing

Just to make things even more difficult we have just been out to dinner for ds birthday and my brother in law (DH brother) asked me to be god mother to their baby. I agreed but deep down I was thinking ‘I’m leaving him!’ I’m planning to sit down and attempt to talk to him at the weekend

My dad was a critical arsehole who sapped any confidence or self esteem I might have had. I spent my life walking on eggshells and took that into my first relationship, which unsurprisingly was abusive. I have a very distant relationship with my mum now because I can't forgive her for not protecting me from dad. Had he been her new DH and not my actual dad, I would choose to have absolutely no relationship with her now. Please leave him

He text me asking if he would tell the mortgage company that we are not going ahead and I replied yes. He is now playing the victim and threatening me that we will argue when I get home.
He said he won’t sell the other property as he needs somewhere to live and it’s obly in his name. I asked him to release some equity as we are married I am entitled to something so that I can buy a secure home for me and dc. He just laughed at me.
I feel like not going home

Don’t get stressed out about all that yet. As you are married, you will be entitled to assets but it will all be done through the correct channels. Don’t engage with him about that side of things.
Focus on what you need to and take it step by step stay strong.

Totally agree with Day OP, it's really easy to get drawn into this kind of exchange but it's pointless at this stage and only serves to distract you from the real issue which is that you want to separate.

It's a power play on his part and for now you need to ignore it and concentrate on the physical practicalities of how you are going to split. If he goes back to the flat where will that leave you financially in the short term? The long term financials can be sorted via solicitors in due course so for now it's just about keeping a roof over yours and DC's heads and managing day to day. Don't let him cloud the issue with stuff which doesn't need to be decided yet.

He can laugh all he wants OP but the law dictates how assets are split, not him. He sounds dreadful. How dare he try and twist everything into being your fault. You and the DC will be so much better off without him around. Dig deep OP and have the courage to continue what you've started. We'll all be here for you to virtually support you through it.

My mum spoke to ds1 (aged 10) today, without my asking, I was at work. She asked him hypothetically if he would be happier if DH didn’t live with us anymore. He was shocked and said no, when she asked him why he replied he hated living without his dad and he didn’t want the same for ds2 and dd2. My mum asked if he love DH, he said yes of course he does and they have fun sometimes.
I’m so confused. What am I supposed to do?

OP: I was you. I left 1 year ago, its been hard but so worth it. He still has the kids and he is still at times critical, but on the whole he is much better with them. My kids never complain about going there, they have said they let the criticism ride over them more now, because they see me doing that now. Its not ideal, but if we stayed together they would have it 24/7. They do love their Dad, but he was also emotionally abusive to me (which is what he is doing to you). 1 year out, and we still have episodes like today. They definately have a better relationship with both of us. My house is calm and as positive as I can be, I give them heaps of love and encouragement. I am conscious not to over compensate and you know we have the ocassional moment. My eldest (10 now) was heartbroken for about a month, then he realises now why, and he tells me he thinks I was right to leave. He is very very emotionally smart. The youngest is 6 and his confidence has grown massively. We have a rescue dog, we live in a much smaller rented place, but i can't tell you how much more me I am.

So 2 days ago, he told me he wanted nothing to do with me and he couldn't stand me, and not to reply to him as I always like to have the final word. How perfect I must feel, blah blah blah.

Then he sent me a very polite email asking if I would go view a house he has seen with him (WTF!!), so I was polite, but clear. If he wanted me to I would go see the house (the kids have to stay there after all), and agreed with some other stuff he said.

He replied, saying that it hasn't been easy for him, and its hard for him to say it, but he knows its been hard on both of us.

I didn't reply as I didn't see it. 2 hours later he sent me a shitty email, about how I never acknowledge his feelings.

See how fucked up that it? Even 1 year later he still behaves in the same way to me as he did before. For your mental health, make plans.

Oh and my ex always used to say I was the controlling one. The most recent insult was that I am such an alpha female. Firstly, I am not your typical "alpha! and secondly, whats wrong with an alpha woman?

Oh and I think i walk on water, that I can do no wrong, all this shit. Its madness.

What kids say they want and what's best for them are often not the same thing, it's up to us as adults to make the decisions they're not equipped to make. Your DS probably doesn't like the idea of everything changing but he's not old enough to understand the potential for damage to himself, his siblings and you if you stay with your DH.

This is always going to be your decision OP and you can't be swayed by one conversation with DS, if you feel it's better for DC to be away from DH then that's what you must do. Have you seen him since the messages earlier? How's his mood? Hope you're ok

They are impossible aren’t they pudding!
I’m ok thank you hiding, yes I went home yesterday, he is being ok, it’s ds party today so just trying to get through that. It’s so frustrating he always does this when I say if had enough, he starts being really chilled out with dc and asking if he can help etc. Dc1&2 are with their dad this weekend so he is bound to be more relaxed anyway. I just keep thinking about all the unfair things he has done and comparing how he is with little dc thinking if ds1 or dd1 did that they would not have been treated the same

Ugh, my Dad was like this. Walked around on eggshells, me and my brother preferred it infinitely when he went to work away during the week. When he finally left after cheating and getting engaged whilst still with my Mum, we were so utterly relieved and thrilled and wished he'd done it before. He was permanently stressed and any event or occasion was always screwed up by him being critical of us or of others.

Seriously, get out. It sounds as if your relationship is rocky enough without him adding to it with the criticism of your children. Don't buy the house, leave him and let him continue his poor victim stance elsewhere. Your children will come to know what he's like in years ahead and make their own decisions about how to approach a relationship with him. I'm NC with my Dad now and it's so much easier.

Is it beyond marriage counselling?

Splitting from him doesn’t get him out your kids’ lives. Only gets him out yours. He’ll just get them on his own without you there to mediate.

Don't get too hung up on what your ds said to your dm. I remember reading somewhere about abusive parents and children being taken into care and how even although homelife is not good (due to drugs alcohol dependant parents or whatever) that the children concerned still love their parents and don't want to leave them. Change is going into the unknown and to a child they have no concept of what it means so don't like things to change.
We moved into a smaller rented property nearly 3 months ago just like @pudding21, me ds and Dd and our two dogs. I've had ds 5 upset a couple of times but overall I can see we are all more relaxed.
They go over to their df and stay sometimes, I have no idea what he is like when they're are on their own as the kids are too young to know what's actually been going on but he certainly is spending more time with them now.
It's easy for him to make an effort in the short -term, he knows it's all he needs to.do to win you over then he will revert back to his old ways. My stbxh did this, I kept and eye on it and after seeing the continuous cycle of his behaviour decided I wasn't accepting this as family life for the next 20 odd years. There's more to life than that. You and your kids deserve better.

@Mmcanny it doesn't eradicate him from their lives completely but it does mean their day to day life will be free of him and will only see him for contact. Certainly it was the only thing that has made my stbxh step up and be a better father after denying it all to me when we lived together and telling me that I wanted to change who he was as a person and he was who he was and wasn't going to change. Now I don't know if he doesn't revert back some of the time when he has dc but he will also know that of he continues then it's a matter of time before the dc don't want to see him at all. On his own head be it, I don't have to walk.on eggshells and try to intervene and protect the dc when he's around now. If he messes up he is on his own.

Do not fall for the being nice to reel you back in trick. And do not fall for the lie that they will be better off with you around to buffer him rather than having alternative weekends alone with him. Honestly that's just not true.

I am trying to get ready for the party and he asked to talk to me upstairs. I said no because I think we should just concentrate on ds today and ensure he has a great time, he then says it’s all about what I want! I said we can talk tonight after dc in bed. I went to shop and I get a text saying “ So I take it that you don’t want to talk and you want me gone?“
Am I being unreasonable?

Grit your teeth and get through the day. He's being a total twat.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. He is just trying to upset and confuse you.

MMcanny - that's a very unhelpful thing to post. Have a look at pudding's posts above.

Nevergiveupdreaming, I don't thik your DM should have asked your DS1 about how he feels about your DH, that's not fair. It will only make him suspicious. The majority of children will want to maintain the status quo, it's what they know. Children should not be burdened with the responsibility of making choices about living arrangements, that's the parent's job.

My STBXH (we separated a month ago) only listened when I gave him ultimatums, it was so draining, nothing ever changed if I had a calm conversation with him, he always ignored me. After ultimatums there would be a period where things were better, but we both reverted to old ways quickly. I think many people are like that, they move in the patterns they know.

I do hope the party goes well for you all.