Did you go to boarding school? Come and talk to me

[OhGood]

I went to boarding school from 7, as did my brother from 5.

My DD and DS are now at these exact ages and I am suddenly being sideswiped by my feelings about this. I keep remembering how unhappy I was, and how hard I had to try to suppress my feelings when I was little, and I have a dawning awareness of how this unhappiness has probably impacted me for all of my life.

I can see how much my DCs need me and DH still, and I can't square this with being sent off to a very strict, old-fashioned school - no contact with parents except weekly letters, and only allowed out 1 weekend a month, etc. Slightly embarrassed about the strength of my emotions.

If you had a similar experience, I would love to know what you think, and how you're feeling about it now.

If you've had these feelings and resolved them, how did you do it? I don't want to wallow in this, but I feel I must do something to work through it.

Grunkle I’m so so sorry that is horrific and so well written you really capture the response to complaining or acting out so well.

*And there you have it

Why we put up and shut up

Your parents had the money to do it ergo you deserve it*

I don't understand what you mean? Who has to put up and shut up?

I certainly don't think any child deserves to be miserable because their parents chose to send them to board, but I do feel a world apart from the the type of parents who would wish to send their children to live in an institution rather than bring them up within their families.

I feel very sorry for the posters on this thread. I've never known anyone well who was a boarder and I had no idea that so many were so unhappy. No amount of money in the world would have me do that to my child.

oh grunkle. Thinking back, we had a girl who was clearly on the spectrum and she was shamelessly bullied (ashamed to say I played my part in that). There was, with hindsight, no way she could have coped and I can only assume that her parents sent her away to give themselves some space. But effectively she was just dumped in with a bunch of 11/12 year olds and we didnt get any guidance on how we could help her either - just told we had to look after her.

dotdot - you have to put up and shut up because you are told this will be an amazing opportunity, it'll be the making of you, mummy and daddy are doing this because its such a fantastic opportunity. Enough years of that and you just accept it - even though you hate it, and because you also see mummy and daddy's life is running the way they expect it to and you cant see how to change things without disrupting that.

I remember travelling to London at half term to my mother's and she wasn't in.
several hours later my adult DB returned and told me she was away in Germany.

I stayed the night and then travelled across the country to DF's where I was able to spend the week.

We very much organised ourselves and holidays were never spent in one 'home'. Now I feel I dont really come from anywhere. rootless.

I boarded from 9-18, both my brothers from 7. Miserable home life, unhappy school life. I married a 'normal working class guy', completely shunned my upbringing and, (now that I have my own 2 dcs) live in neither world. I don't fit in either and find it incredibly difficult. I would never want my 2 to go through what I did but I also don't want them to have my dh's upbringing - not that they have to as we split up at the w-e😵😵😵

I boarded about forty years ago. It was grim and I definitely still suffer.
Thankfully the school building itself has gone, it was next to the AFC in Harrogate.
I never did the pillow thing but put as much bedding as possible over my head a) to avoid being hit and b) so no one hears any crying.
I was bullied non stop until I came top of the distinction board for house points. Just about the only one who got any! Genuine interest from a maths teacher, made even worse because her partner was the san matron.
I did confront my mother. Didn't get either of us anywhere.
Like a PP said how do you cope with them now they are ill/old/dying?

Also, I will admit to tremendous trouble as a parent once my DCs hit the teens.
However, I was always there to love them. Even though I didn't have a clue.

I think there are two Ludgrove threads in education at the moment. on one of them a very pro-boarding poster makes a disparaging comment about the 'anti-boarding lobby'. myidentity that's awful, how could she not be there?? and rebecca I understand the rootlessness, never fitting in too.

It's 40 years since I left school; there is a FB group where everyone is suggesting we all have a get together in London or Goa (Goa?? wtf cant afford that) Some of them I wouldn't mind to see; others I have no interest in. The ones I want to see, I see.

Rebecca I did the same. Married a boy from the back streets.
I can never talk about my upbringing as people think, as up thread.

I boarded from 11 to 17. I hated it. I also had alcoholic parents. It’s only now I’m my late 40’s I’m realising how the combination of the 2 have messed my brain.

Rootless Tick

Yy I knew I wanted away from that life

I swerved public school boys when dating

Married a steady, lower middle, kind man

He doesn’t understand my background at all. He went to one primary, one secondary, lived in one house, parents together, no drama, total security

Which is what I want for my DC

tafetta are you married to my husband
loli that’s a pretty damaging combination. I’m not entirely sure my folks aren’t. They had a life with a lot of parties and now they have a lot of lunches

I remember a very strong culture of Them and Us at our school that encouraged us to genuinely believe we were the elite and that anyone who went to state schools were 'common' and stupid. I remember being terrified that if I complained too much to my parents they would send me to the local (actually very good) comp and I would end up working in a shop . We were regularly told by the staff that we were cleverer and better than 'common' people and how lucky we were not to be in their school.

There was also horrific and totally open racism from the staff at my school (70s - 80s). There were very few black girls at the school but a few were sent by their obviously very wealthy African families. I remember the matron telling a group of us conspiratorially that unfortunately we would have to share a dorm with a new girl from Nigeria . Her words Well she's black but she's very good about it. She also said worse but I don't even want to say it.

The poor girl went on to be horribly bullied in a way that the staff appeared to condone not to notice. People ridiculed her accent every time she spoke.

when I went in 1971, the uniform list actually included n*gger brown socks. we had loads of non-white girls, I dont know how anyone could have thought that was a good idea? Oth we also had lots of white 'forrin' girls and I think we all got along pretty well. The Spanish and Italian girls always had the best shoes.

I also def remember the 'them and us' scenario, as a way of enhancing our perceived privilege I guess.

I had a big shock when I left aged 14 and went to the local comp

But not in the ways I thought

I’d been top of the class at boarding school

Scraped top half in most subjects at the comp

And it wasn’t like Grange Hill and the kids were much kinder and nicer

After my parents split up, my mother lost the will and funds to keep me in my fancy school and I was sent to the local comp. I agree @Taffeta they were MUCH nicer. The teachers actually gave a fuck, for one. I loved that school.

Did anyone else have knicker inspections? We used to have to line up in the quad and hold our skirts up while the headmistress examined each girl's underwear. You were put on report if you were found to not be wearing uniform bloomers.

Vile, looking back. But it was normal for us.

I was at boarding school , went at 11 in the late 60's .

Hated it.

Not enough to eat, cold & miserable.

No way would I have sent my DC to boarding school.

If people say their work/life demands boarding for their kids I really do feel they have their priorities wrong.

dotdot - you have to put up and shut up because you are told this will be an amazing opportunity, it'll be the making of you, mummy and daddy are doing this because its such a fantastic opportunity. Enough years of that and you just accept it - even though you hate it, and because you also see mummy and daddy's life is running the way they expect it to and you cant see how to change things without disrupting that.

Ah, I see. How sad. I guess I thought the private school kids were having the whole Mallory Towers experience. I guess not.

From 7- 13 years hair washing was allowed once a week - no hairdryers. Clean pants and socks - left on the end of the bed - were twice a week. Disgusting.

From 13 - 18 (different school) hair washing was allowed every other day and we’d use the built in hair dryers in the pool block. Baths (no showers) were on a strict rota - sometimes mornings, sometimes evenings - and you weren’t allowed to fill them above the red line which was painted on the inside of the baths about 6 inches deep! I remember one term my bath time was on Monday mornings - I’d sit in that water and cry in silence at the thought of the week ahead!

Yes. In a supposedly high status prestigious setting, the shame of being seen as a failure and letting down your family was a very big factor in why dcs would not just run away or beg their parents not to send them back.

The hair washing thing was my undoing I think.

Only being able to wash puberty-greasy hair once a week made me look an utter freak, which caused friendship and self esteem issues that are with me to this day. As previously mentioned, I was a bit Lady Macbeth for a decade after as a result of it.

The kids who had “better” hair or hair that could be scraped back into a ponytail were fine.

It’s by far and away my most upsetting memory.

Ironic I now have a 14 yo DS who is a massive shower avoider!

I boarded from 10, military family, 5 primary schools. I was desperate to go fuelled by chalet school and knowing lots of children from other military families. Up until I had my children I would have said I enjoyed the experience and was happy at school. Although I always said I’d never any child of mine. Weirdly I watched a documentary a while back about military families starting boarding and found myself sobbing. Brought back so many submerged feelings, the Sunday evening feeling, and just the realisation that I had missed out on so much, that no amount of being with my friends, could make up for. It’s not something I can discuss with my parents but for all the good things about boarding I don’t think it can ever make up for just being able to be at home.

Both DF and FIL were boarded in the 30s, DF by Unchristian Brothers, FIL by the Sisters of No Mercy. When they were first introduced, they swapped war stories of the beatings, cold, hunger and avoidable deaths of their schoolmates.
40 years later, the deaths had reduced, but I remember quite a few broken bones that waited until Monday.
The class thing: I kept nothing of my class bar the accent. I hide that at work, because twat.