Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did you go to boarding school? Come and talk to me

481 replies

OhGood · 05/02/2018 11:38

I went to boarding school from 7, as did my brother from 5.

My DD and DS are now at these exact ages and I am suddenly being sideswiped by my feelings about this. I keep remembering how unhappy I was, and how hard I had to try to suppress my feelings when I was little, and I have a dawning awareness of how this unhappiness has probably impacted me for all of my life.

I can see how much my DCs need me and DH still, and I can't square this with being sent off to a very strict, old-fashioned school - no contact with parents except weekly letters, and only allowed out 1 weekend a month, etc. Slightly embarrassed about the strength of my emotions.

If you had a similar experience, I would love to know what you think, and how you're feeling about it now.

If you've had these feelings and resolved them, how did you do it? I don't want to wallow in this, but I feel I must do something to work through it.

OP posts:
Gah81 · 13/02/2018 21:39

I am sure you are right, Blah.

God, I remember feeling so lonely and telling myself that I would much rather be reading Homer in the library at breaks than hanging out with the other girls.

The memories are flooding back. I had a ritual at the end of each holiday: I had to watch a happy children's film/cartoon just before we left to stop myself from being too sad. And I couldn't watch my parents drive away for fear I would run after them, I would just wave and then disappear straight inside.

Gah81 · 13/02/2018 21:40

Oops *Blar

Blarblarblar · 13/02/2018 21:47

That is so very sad Gah.

yolofish · 13/02/2018 23:10

there is a current thread on education about sending an 8 year old to Ludgrove; it's marvellous apparently. even if they are a bit upset everyone is terribly kind to them. so that's ok then.

Snortles · 14/02/2018 00:00

DH and his brothers attended boarding school from ages 11-18. They have many, many issues.

I would never send my DC.

Blarblarblar · 14/02/2018 07:13

Why should he have to cope At 8. That’s just so unkind. Poor wee thing.
I often work with children who have experienced care and I’m always surprised by how similarly their own attitudes at that age mirror mine. I’ve felt a little indulgent to compare it (the privilege versus under privileged power balance also a big factor) but having read this thread I realise that there are similarities, it’s not in my head. I think I’ll read more. I don’t feel so off all of a sudden.

Taffeta · 14/02/2018 07:28

God that thread is heartbreaking

VanillaSugar · 14/02/2018 07:36

@slimeyslimeyeverywhere is right. It's a status thing for the family. Right house, right car, right school, right holidays...

Blarblarblar · 14/02/2018 07:41

I don’t think I could read it. Are the parents not even considering taking him home?

Devilishpyjamas · 14/02/2018 08:11

Blar - read up on attachment as well as boarding school syndrome - it is within attachment that you will come to understand the similarities.

I don’t feel my relationship with my parents was damaged at all (but as I said above I was weekly - boarding mon-thurs nights - so maybe I was around home enough).

Blarblarblar · 14/02/2018 09:25

I have devil it’s what I do for a living Blush which is why I find it so odd it has taken me this long to realise and maybe except that I display a lot of symptoms of those with poor attachment even borderline personality disorder. I just felt I was Self absorbed to even examine it and in seeing the bording post I realised it wasn’t. It’s been like a giant click for me.
My pal was a week border loved it. Had to go full time briefly and says it was the most miserable time of her life I think the difference is night and day. My mum came home briefly for a term to help me through my exams and I was a day girl. It was wonderful. I just felt so safe and WARM (literally warm it’s a theme).

Devilishpyjamas · 14/02/2018 09:31

Interesting. I also think that weekly and termly must be very different (I don’t really recognise a lot of things termly boarders talk anout).

It is so often hard to see what is right in front of us. Especially if it involves facing our upbringing iykwim.

Devilishpyjamas · 14/02/2018 09:32

Oh and Flowers your description of warmth is really vivid.

Blarblarblar · 14/02/2018 09:34

I sure do devil
I think you can put up with a lot when you know it’s only for a brief spell which is one of the reasons I think it’s different. The house mistresses have less control/power because you are closer to your parents care as well. You get your top up of love and off you go to manage another week.

user1497991628 · 14/02/2018 14:16

taffeta you’ve hit the nail on the head with this:

*I’ve had secrets my whole life. That I’m not a proper person, I don’t fit in anywhere

But anyone that meets me or “knows” me, including my parents, thinks I’m strong, capable & resilient*

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 14/02/2018 16:31

I went from 11-18, starting in the early 70s. Apart from the homesickness, bullying and fending off perverts, the shortage and poor quality of food was a constant grinding discomfort. I used to live on sliced bread, as it was easy to steal. It also started the estrangement from my brothers, as socialising between the years was discouraged.
A hateful time of my life.

Closetlibrarian · 14/02/2018 16:42

My father went to boarding school at a similar age and it fucked him up for life. In particular his inability to form long-standing relationships (including with his children) or to stay put in any one place. He's only partly able to articulate it all himself. He simply describes it as his 'abandonment complex', but it's far more complicated than that, I think. In any case, his stories of life at school as a very little boy are absolutely heartbreaking.

I guess my contribution to this thread is I'm glad to hear you're confronting your feelings about being sent away to school. I wish my father had been able to do this at an earlier age as I'd now be more likely to have a relationship with him.

[Don't get me wrong. My dad is a lovely guy. But he's never been able to be much of a father to me and he's never been particularly present in my life, which is a shame]

DottyDotts · 14/02/2018 17:54

I went to boarding school in the 70s in Australia. My parents left me there for a whole year whilst they went travelling/working in Europe. I had no family there and was full time boarding. In the holidays that the school closed down I asked friends if I could come stay with them. I would stay a week with one then get in a train to go to an other friend an hour away in the country. I was 14 an was aware that my childhood was now gone. I cried every night at first and wrote to my Dad to please take me out. He told me more or less to get a grip . He didn't want me to make him feel bad I guess. After I got used to it and all the other girls (I was an only child) I settled down and it became my normal. I didn't have any contact with my parents during the year other than letters which I couldn't reply to as they moved regularly. Looking back I have very fond memories. The food was delicious and I was never hungry and in some respects it was like a family. I did feel lonely and sad at times but was on my own so had to be strong and just get on with it. Looking back it's hard to believe I sorted out my own accommodation and got on trains from one part to another and begged friends to put me up. I was and had to be very independent.

dotdotdotmustdash · 14/02/2018 18:43

After reading this thread, I am very glad that neither I nor my parents ever had the sort of money required to send me or my children to boarding school.

A different world.

Blarblarblar · 14/02/2018 18:49

A lot of my fellow boarders didn’t have a lot of money they where forces kids so the government paid.

OrlandaFuriosa · 14/02/2018 19:08

Dotty, that’s dreadful. I want to hug the younger you and tell you to come to stay every holiday and be my cousin.

DH went at 8 , loathed it.
I went at 9, had been bullied and v unhappy at day school, was homesick at beginning of terms but loved prep school.
We both detested secondary Boarding school. The bullying, in my case the lack of intellectual, cultural stimulus -it was trading on reputation- the immensely stupid pettifogging rules.. Ysenda Maxtone Graham in her book about girls’ Boarding schools gets it spot on. I’m delighted to see her critique about both my schools echoes mine though a little more charitably in the secondary school.

I had loving parents, who made sacrifices to send us and there were good reasons why, the disruption of education thing, Their parents had done the same for them. I always felt loved, I knew why I went away, but it was still shit, at times at prep school, nearly all the time at public school. There was trauma at home but it was still home. Safety. No need to inspect every action, every word for hostile intent.

We decided no for prep for our DC. Too young. We gave dc the choice later, at 13, 16.

I’ve found being overtly maternal hard, but that’s not true if DSis, so it must depend.

I still don’t believe people who say their children loved every minute. MIL said that about DH. He detested it. I’ve heard relatives say that and seen their children’s masks slip very slightly. Some do better than others. And some are happier than they might be at home, I know people for whom that was the case. But I’m still not convinced in general.

Grunkle · 14/02/2018 19:22

Being very cold all the time was a theme for me as well.

My school was in a mountainous region of a distant colony of the UK, and there was no heating at all beyond the electric 2-bar heater in the housemistress's quarters. During winter we'd absolutely freeze all night long. The mornings in particular were torturous - coldest part of the day, no reprieve, from damp cold bed to damp cold uniform, then marching off to the dining hall through freezing fog. Hot water sometimes switched off in the communal showers as punishment for a whole house. No baths allowed - water restrictions.

The winter uniform included knee socks and I remember all the girls had purple/blue knees from the cold, all season. We'd also live on super noodles and endless cups of tea as it was a way to keep warm.

And being hungry. Yesterday I had such a sad memory - of begging a day girl to let me come home with her on the afternoon of Shrove Tuesday, because I knew they'd have pancakes, and I was missing my mother dreadfully, and she'd always make pancakes on that day, and I was so hungry and cold that day. The day girl had already chosen another boarder friend to go with her and was lording it over me but eventually said I could come with them. They then ate their pancakes in front of me and pointedly refused to offer me any, just to teach me a lesson I guess, knowing I was too ashamed to beg even more. I walked back to school crying and feeling like human refuse.

I also stole sliced bread as it was easy to hide in pockets. Anything to feel full/warm.

This was in the 90s! It sounds Dickensian reading it back but it wasn't even that long ago.

If a word was mentioned of any unhappiness, if we acted out at all, we were hauled into the headmistress' office and bollocked for it, put on report, gated and then close-gated, until we shut up fell into line. Girls with eating disorders, who couldn't hold it together due to homesickness, any of that - same treatment. Absolutely no mercy. This included girls in the junior school. There was a girl who drew pictures of her sexual abuse and when a teacher found the papers in her desk, she suffered this fate as well - she was assumed to be filthy minded or loose and as such she needed to be punished.

There was a girl in my house who could not stop having tantrums - I think she may have been slightly on the spectrum, looking back - and who suffered horrendously with homesickness. I remember her inner arms beset with eczema and her poor face swollen from crying all the time. She would sometimes lock herself in one of the toilets during a tantrum and I think all she was trying to do was find one blessed moment of privacy in an attempt to calm herself down. Her parents were diplomats and left her there all year. She was a lovely girl. Her suffering was awful to watch.

But it was a vair vair good school, you know, only the very best, ever so prestigious, bracing rural air, the making of them, and so on.

Taffeta · 14/02/2018 19:50

After reading this thread, I am very glad that neither I nor my parents ever had the sort of money required to send me or my children to boarding school.

And there you have it

Why we put up and shut up

Your parents had the money to do it ergo you deserve it

DottyDotts · 14/02/2018 19:52

Awww...thanks Orlando 😘

Taffeta · 14/02/2018 19:54

Grunkle - your pancake day experience sounds awful, my heart goes out to you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread