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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He didn't come home!

121 replies

kitkatkath · 04/02/2018 15:58

Boyfriend went for a few drinks last night said he wouldn't be going mad and still hasn't turned up home.
Tried calling him and texting and his phone is switched on and not getting any response.
Just for background he cheated last year and we have been working through it I really thought he had changed and wouldn't hurt me again but he knows what's going to be going through my head when he does a disappearing act. He hasn't done this since before we had children.
Just want someone to talk me down I guess because I'm struggling to stay calm and I've got my children here.

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 04/02/2018 17:24

And who the hell doesn't come back home until after 5pm the next day?

Iooselipssinkships · 04/02/2018 17:24

Did he come back yet OP?

RavenLG · 04/02/2018 17:25

This would be one thing if you were a couple just the two of you. You can’t pull this shit when you have kids. OP he is a selfish prick. I’d put all of his stuff outside and tell him he needs to sort his life out before he fucks his kids up. You deserve better

Original poster

kitkatkath · 04/02/2018 17:26

I've just had a message from the girl saying he's in a real state and not to expect him home because he's drinking again!!
He's a disgrace he's a grown man with a family at home!

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 04/02/2018 17:28

Send a message back saying his stuff's outside the house and he is welcome to stay with his new friends for good. Say that if he tries to get into the house in a drunken state you will call the police.

Stay firm, OP! Don't put up with this crap.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 04/02/2018 17:29

Is he meant to be in work tomorrow? Does he have to drive to work or use machinery at work?

Original poster

kitkatkath · 04/02/2018 17:29

I know this might sound a bit dramatic but i can't get warm and I can't stop shaking, that's how much he is stressing me out.

OP posts:

OccasionalNachos · 04/02/2018 17:29

That’s pretty grim OP. I’m assuming he isn’t expecting to go to work in the morning either?

I do not usually advocate someone being locked out of their own house unless they’re violent but this shitbag of a man needs to pitch up elsewhere. What a shocking lack of respect for you.

Original poster

kitkatkath · 04/02/2018 17:30

He isn't in work tomorrow so he won't be in any rush to get home.
I'm getting angry now and I hope I stay this way.

OP posts:

FancyNewBeesly · 04/02/2018 17:31

He's a complete waste of space. This would be over for me.

Nikitasol · 04/02/2018 17:32

Mine used to do that fairly regularly... just popping out for a bit.. then turning up wasted on a Monday (2 days later) having left me with baby, no money and no car and a dead mobile/switched off. That's why he's my ex now.

Colabottle10 · 04/02/2018 17:33

Surely this has got to be the eye opener for you to get rid of him?

Pack his stuff once the kids have gone to bed, text him to say it's outside and that it's over. You'll be I. Touch regarding contact arrangements for the children and to sort out finances.

In the meantime, sort money out. Any joint accounts, take half out. Get any important paperwork somewhere safe and starting planning your life without this waste of oxygen ruining it.

The children will be fine. It's NEVER acceptable to stay with someone for the children.

underthebluemoon · 04/02/2018 17:34

Oh OP, can you drink some sugary tea? How about a friend or a sister to come and be with you for a while?

junebirthdaygirl · 04/02/2018 17:34

Im sorry you are going through this. Does he have a drink problem? What is his history with alcohol like? Could you call your parents to come over so you have someone with you? Mi d yourself.

Tuttytoffee · 04/02/2018 17:36

Sounds like my relationship with my ex. I forgave him for a lot of shit but then one morning I woke up and thought fuck you. I deserve better than this. I hope your ok. The feeling you've got now I don't envy. Just get a nice hot drink and try and eat and lock him out. Have a bath and watch a movie or read. Don't let him back in when he comes crawling back. Even for just a few days if you are going to forgive him. Otherwise he'll think he can do it all the more with no consequence.

loveyoutothemoon · 04/02/2018 17:37

He cheated on you last year and now he's behaving like this, he's a disrespectful twat and you'd be a fool to take him back. You'll feel tonnes better (eventually) without this lowlife causing you problems.

Mummaly · 04/02/2018 17:37

If you let him get away with it this time, he will keep doing it to you. And you have to address a serious lack of self respect and esteem for yourself. If you respect your own life enough, you will make this the last time. Get out now while the kid/kids are young, set yourself free as an act of love for yourself and your family. You do not need this man who clearly does not know what he has got. He is a fool, don't be one too.

Emus · 04/02/2018 17:38

Do you think he's got a bit of a problem with drink OP? It's totally unacceptable behaviour, and given his previous form I think this would be game over for me.

Have a hot drink, put on an extra layer, have something to eat and look after yourself.

Parky04 · 04/02/2018 17:38

How disrespectful! He obviously doesn't give a damm about your feelings. From a personal point of view i couldn't be with someone who treated me like this.

Original poster

kitkatkath · 04/02/2018 17:38

His problem with the alcohol is that he doesn't go out very often but when he does which is maybe once a year he doesn't know when to stop.

I think I just haven't got much confidence anymore but this is a real eye opener that maybe people just don't change and I would not be happy to live the rest of my life like this.

I don't even have any money I've just been in tears to my mum and she came and put some money on the gas meter for me so that I can at least keep the place warm.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 17:38

God, what an arsehole he is.

The question now is what are you going to do about this. You don't need to answer now. But you need to think about it. He's deliberately ignoring your calls and he's now out for the second night. He's also a mess.

Can you really countenance being with this person?

SwarmOfCats · 04/02/2018 17:39

Stay angry - it’s a completely sensible and reasonable reaction. I’d keep the door locked tonight so he can’t rock up home at some ungodly hour.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 17:39

You don't have money and he's out drinking it???.

dancemom · 04/02/2018 17:40

He's out drinking when you don't have any money for the gas meter to keep
You and your children warm? That says everything ...

AudTheDeepMinded · 04/02/2018 17:40

Time to start getting your ducks in a row OP? (even if just to make you feel more in control, do some research, get some facts and have a plan. You don't have to act on it just yet).

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