Am I being utterly materialistic? Or do I stick it out.

[frankie222]

Hi, any advice would be appreciated.

I found out around a year ago that DH was in credit card debt. Somewhere around £14,000. It's historical debt, stupidly built up from when he was single and going out. Not earning much, he's only been able to reduce it by a few thousand pounds and just making the minimum payments.

I was pretty shocked when I found out. He never mentioned he had any form of debt. When me and DH first met I stupidly had £5,000 debt from my early 20's. Too many holidays and too much shopping. But I paid mine off in a year as soon I met DH. He never admitted any of his debt to me while I was so open about mine.

Fast forward a year since I found out and given him plenty of chances to get another job or find a second income, he hasn't done a thing and buried his head in the sand once again. I was struggling so much with the betrayal, the lies, the pressure, that I ended up going to a therapist who said DH had taken my security blanket of money away from me hence my resentment towards him.

Which brings me to my issue. My wage and disposals income is now being used to help pay for the running of the house while any spare income DH has goes towards making the minimum payments on his cards. I guess the contribution is 65/35 (to me) in to our joint account.

But this isn't what I wanted. Not in life. Not for me. I wanted better. I wanted to travel, buy nice things, not have to worry about money, have children which we can't right now due to lack of money.

Am I being completely materialistic. DH will pay the debt off in 2,3 years ish. Do I stick it out or will I never get over the resentment or that my life didn't 'work out' the way I wanted?

I can understand your frustration as i’d be very fed up in your position too. It all boils down to how much you really love him. If he was up to his eyeballs in crippling debt, suddenly developed a life limiting illness which meant he couldn’t work again and you had to be fully responsible for all the finances etc would you still want to be with him? If the answer is yes then I would stick it out as sometimes relationships go through trying times and nothing is ever perfect or easy for most of us. If the answer is no then maybe he’s not the love of your life. Resentment about money can severely damage relationships so don’t stay with him if you think you’re not going to be able to get past it

@Purplerain101 that's exactly the thought process I've been through. If he was ill and I ended up covering everything I wouldn't leave him. Even though my life would change I couldn't leave him over that. But I just think the debt was something he did to himself. The lies, the betrayal, the inability to sort it out and the burying his head in the sand has taken a toll on our marriage. I gave him somewhat of an ultimatum in Oct, told him he had to get another job and atleast make an effort to sort it out. He did nothing. So last week I bought it up again and we had a horrid row and now finally (something clicked) he's started some overtime at work and looked at getting another job but for a whole year when I've been budgeting so hard, missing meals to save money he never did anything. Makes me think he wasn't bothered about me or the affect on my mental health.

Sounds very much like you've lost all respect for him and I personally believe that once respect is gone, relationships are doomed.

The fact he’s only just started to be proactive now when he knows you’ve been suffering with a lot of the burden would be a big issue for me. If he held his hands up at the start and admitted he had a problem and was going to do everything in his power to fix it then i’d be sympathetic and supportive. I’m not sure it warrants divorce if that’s the only issue going on, but I think you need to be crystal clear that it has caused you a huge amount of stress and you don’t want him to ever put you through something like that again

It depends how he is with money. If he's good with money now and is paying it off then you can't hold it over him that he was silly when he was young and had some debts.

@Fosterdog123 I have lost respect for him. I don't know hoes been able to be the same person knowing how much debt he's in and how much I was struggling with it all. I feel like I've had to be the strong one and taken on the burden of budgeting, eating beans on toast wherever possible just to take a few pounds off the shopping bill. Whereas he's just been happy to plod along.

@Cricrichan I don't judge him for making a silly mistake, I was there myself at one point so completely understand how easily it can spiral. I think I judge him for not sorting it out sooner. I mean he's only just done it his first overtime shift, he's talking about getting another job. Which is more than he's done this whole year but I feel like I'm just waiting for more disappointment when he thinks I've forgotten the issue once again.

This is about more than the money issue, although its a massive part of it. Alot of people get into debt, but nearly £15,000 is eye watering to me... It's worrying how he's handled it - How could he lie about it in the first place, then do nothing for so long, letting you carry the burden alone.

Only you can decide if his recent proactive efforts are enough...

@LemonSqueezy0 it's eye watering to me too. It feels like an unsolvable problem, something which will take years to finally get through. Years which our lives are put on standstill, years which we'll never get back.

I think if you really wanted to stay with him you wouldn't have was doubts. I think the relationship has died for you (understandably) ... you don't need to justify leaving, or need permission. Time to wrap it up maybe .

If you don't want to be with any, don't stay out of guilt. Get out and make a new life. Do you have kids?

If you do stay, make sure he suffers deprivation more i.e. he doesn't get to go out and do hobbies that cost money while you watch the pennies.

For me this would be about the deliberate lies, then the attitude of living off of you to help keep it manageable. I would lose respect for a man like that too.

For me, I'd see how it pans out and his commitment to fix it and be responsible. If it falls over, I'd be out of there.

@babyccinoo no kids. I want children so much but financially it's just not viable and would more strain on us so I think we're going to have a wait a little. (That's if we're still together by then)

He doesn't go out. Ever. No hobbies, nothing. And he's ok with that. Which in itself infuriates me. All that free time at home he could have done something with for over a year. But as I've said previous he's ok just plodding along, making the minimum payments, and burying his head in the sand. Why would he not want to pay it off as soon as possible and want a better life for himself and us.

I said I was upset about not being able to go on holiday together any time soon. His response was well I'm ok to not go out of the country for a few(!) years. Not ok I'll get a job and pay for it, not I'll find some way to pay towards it, just that. I love to travel and he knew that. He said he did at the beginning too. It's that lack of 'get up and go' which has made me just lose all respect.

Well he lied to uou in more ways than one. He sold you a dream which he knew would never happen. He pretended to be someone he is not. He puts himself first.

On retrospect I'd demand he works extra and has a timeline to pay it off and Contributes equally to thr home, you do not subsidise it. Extra money you spend on yourself. It's his problem.

If he is unable to do that, just go. He's a liar and he doesn't care enough about you or your needs.

It's his lack of motivation to change things which is really getting to you. No idea how you can change that apart from a(nother) sit down discussion.

You want to get on and get things sorted, he's happy to plod. He's already sat on it for a year.

Maybe draw up some future plans for paying off his debt at different rates and show him how a bit of incentive and oomph now will give you both more future options. Maybe he just doesn't realise.

I think talk to him. Show him this thread. Go to therapy together and then make a decision. Is your relationship good in other areas?

I'm good with money but my DH isn't. He's hidden things because he was embarrassed and ashamed. But we got it all out on the table & sorted it.

If you're questioning the relationship maybe that's a sign it's over?

It's good that you're being sensible and not bringing a child into the situation

It's that lack of 'get up and go' which has made me just lose all respect.

You can't change him, he'll always be this way. Cut your losses now. Will you be jointly liable for his debt?

If you had kids with him, would you end up raising them almost singlehandedly?

Makes me think he wasn't bothered about me or the affect on my mental health.

That's the important point. He is giving no consideration to your well-being.

He was embarrassed and ashamed too. And just didn't want to be grown up and deal with it whereas I'm a much more different person and was essentially in competition with myself trying to save money and pay my debt off and save money everywhere I could, feeling more and more motivated each time I saw the bank balance increasing. But he's not like me.

And other than the money thing, he's a really nice guy. Really nice. Genuinely cares about my every happiness (or so I thought). He cooks, he cleans, in all other ways he's the perfect husband.

But this is just such a big deal and I can't seem to get over it and it constantly rears its ugly head. It's a massive issue and insecurity for me. Maybe that's something I need to work on?

We had a huge row on Sunday. We didn't talk for 3 days and in all honesty it didn't even bother me. Which did scare me as I thought well maybe that's it now, if I don't even feel the slightest sadness or remorse then there's no coming back from it. Whereas for him the 3 days were apparently torture and a sign of what would happen if I left and there were lots of tears asking for forgiveness and promises of actually trying to sort it. I mean I'm not sure why now a year later but ok.

And I do love him. But this just affected my mental health a lot more than I ever imagined it would do.

What is your concern here - the fact that he has £14k of debt (that you didn't know about) or the fact that you pay 2/3 rds of the household bills ?? I'm assuming that you earn more than him - if so then I think its only right that you contribute more towards the household bills. In both my marriages I earnt more than my OH (I've been divorced twice) and in both cases I probably paid the same split as you, maybe even 75%-25%. He is at least making the monthly repayments, albeit only the minimum. The fact that you seem to see travel, nice clothes & a nice lifestyle over being with someone you love I would advise you to leave him & find someone more in tune with your wants.

Or, you could of course consolidate the debt (re-mortgage if you own your property) or find 0% interest rate c/cards - something that might put you both on an even keel.

On a practical note, has he done a balance transfer for some or all of the debt, to a 0% card, so the interest doesn't rack up so much?

@hadthesnip erm I think it's a bit of both. It's such a huge sum of money which I feel like is a weight and literally bringing us down. And then obviously the lies behind it all.

The fact that I contribute more, I already did contribute more because I earn more. Which is fine. But since I found out about the debt I've had to contribute even more, to make sure DH had enough money to cover his minimum payments which means my savings are becoming depleted as time goes by.

The cards are all 0% at the mo. Which honestly doesn't make me feel better at all. It's a huge amount of money. When I actually sit and think about how much it is, it just sends me in to some kind of panic.

I think the fact this example is about money is making you judge your own feelings harshly.

What this is really about is finding yourself yoked with someone who isn’t going to graft as hard as you to make the life you want. You don’t feel supported by your teammate so you feel under strain as a result.

I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who lied, hid from reality and let me take on extra stress with no real intention of just trying their hardest. It’s the attitude of hiding from problems that is turning you off the most I think

Leave him to deal with it, he got himself into the mess not you. At least your responsible enough to pay all yours off asap

Reading your replies & other posts all I can say is that you & your OH have different view on debt & a lot of people just don't get stressed out about it. When I divorced 7 years ago I had around £25k owing on c/cards, mainly as I was trying to pay rent on my place & pay the mortgage on the family home so the exW & my kids had a roof over their heads. I paid it off when we eventually sold the house but during the 2-3 year period whist that was happening I just put it out of my mind. I knew as long as I was making the monthly re-payments then the future would take care of itself. Seeing as his debt is on 0% interest rates then that will at least give you some breathing space for a year or so.

You say he’ll have paid it off on 2-3 years. That isn’t that long in the vast scheme of things.

It sounds like you are looking for permission to leave your marriage, you say you love him, but that’s not how it’s coming across.

You are allowed to leave him, but only you can know if this is the right thing to do.