Am I being utterly materialistic? Or do I stick it out.

[frankie222]

Hi, any advice would be appreciated.

I found out around a year ago that DH was in credit card debt. Somewhere around £14,000. It's historical debt, stupidly built up from when he was single and going out. Not earning much, he's only been able to reduce it by a few thousand pounds and just making the minimum payments.

I was pretty shocked when I found out. He never mentioned he had any form of debt. When me and DH first met I stupidly had £5,000 debt from my early 20's. Too many holidays and too much shopping. But I paid mine off in a year as soon I met DH. He never admitted any of his debt to me while I was so open about mine.

Fast forward a year since I found out and given him plenty of chances to get another job or find a second income, he hasn't done a thing and buried his head in the sand once again. I was struggling so much with the betrayal, the lies, the pressure, that I ended up going to a therapist who said DH had taken my security blanket of money away from me hence my resentment towards him.

Which brings me to my issue. My wage and disposals income is now being used to help pay for the running of the house while any spare income DH has goes towards making the minimum payments on his cards. I guess the contribution is 65/35 (to me) in to our joint account.

But this isn't what I wanted. Not in life. Not for me. I wanted better. I wanted to travel, buy nice things, not have to worry about money, have children which we can't right now due to lack of money.

Am I being completely materialistic. DH will pay the debt off in 2,3 years ish. Do I stick it out or will I never get over the resentment or that my life didn't 'work out' the way I wanted?

' I have certain goals in life, certain places I wanted to be in my career and certain things I wanted and when I first met DH he mirrored the things I said. And now I'm just thinking it was a lie and deep down he is this person who is ok with not having something, or thinking it's ok I won't buy that because I don't have the money.'

You are inherently incompatible then. He is okay with not buying something because he doesn't have the money. You are not. He's okay with starting his career at 30. You are not.

Do not start managing all this for him because he will be perfectly fine with that and you will be carrying that mental load forever. It will make you resentful.

You already are.

Are you 30 as well? Not a good time to put off having kids for 2-3 more years when your partner is deceitful and bad with money.

This board has dozens of threads every week from women who bang on about their partner who is lazy, useless with money, have an all-encompassing hobby, think the mental load is for women, etc. and then say 'And I'm pregnant' or 'Pregnant with baby no. 2, 3, 4 . . . '

And there's always someone who replies, 'Why did you have a child with this person'? Then others jump all over said poster with 'Well, she's pregnant now.'

But they have a point.

You know not that he is deceitful, that he's crap with money, that he doesn't have the same attitude to finances and debt as you. The time to deal with this is NOW.

Now he's saying he does have those goals and it's only slipped because he's in debt. He's worked up a plan to get some extra money in. Sell PlayStation, odd jobs, overtime etc. I still feel the same way I felt before re the resentment but now he's making an effort I'm even more confused.

The problem is he refuses to let me go. The tears start. And I feel so guilty. Not to mention the actual telling everyone, I haven't even thought that far yet.

Lemon

I suppose my point is that everyone gets in some debt, it's annoying when it's not your own, but apart from that, is he a good man?

I don’t think that is true. The only debt dh and I have ever had is student debt (long ago paid off) and our mortgage (now paid off). The thought of any kind of debt - especially credit card debt - makes me feel a bit sick.

We're now in thousands of pounds worth of debt again due to decorating the new home, it never ends!

I just can’t imagine getting into thousands of debt for decorating! I have memories of sleeping on an air bed (couldn’t afford a bed), using packing boxes as a TV stand (we chucked a blanket over it and pretended it was our bohemian style!) and a friend complementing us on our “gorgeous retro 80s style sofa” and us laughing because it really was from the 80s as we’d got it out of dh’s parents loft.

It is not that our way is right and yours is wrong but they are completely incompatible. And I suspect the Op is like me and her DH is like you.

Bloke here. I suspect that in the medium term this guy is toast, not because of the £14k but because you sound like you simply can't respect a partner who is a lot less flinty and ambitious than you are. Nothing wrong with that, although he is a bit lacking in insight if he doesn't realise how crucial that issue is to a lot of women. But he will figure that out when you dump him. Following which he may well be traumatised for quite a while, then perhaps give himself a big kick up the arse and, without his security blanket, become a lot closer to the kind of person you're looking for. Happened to me once.

It sounds like you don't like him and want a man that will give you the material things in life so in that respect the relationship is over really.

The money issue re 65/35 is a moot point as if you split you still won't have the holidays etc as you'll be responsible for 100% of the bills.

@onwardsonwards I think you've hit the nail on the head. Maybe I wanted someone similar to me. Someone who doesn't want to sit at home all the time. Who wants to explore the world. At the beginning he did show that and even now he says that that's him but the debt has pulled him back so now he's making plans (finally) to reduce it and finally pay it off.

The second we start to have a discussion, the tears start, the guilt trip starts, how much he loves me and can't be without me etc. I end up giving in because I feel guilty about it all. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to be broken.

@frankie222

Sounds like you two are opposites and that's what attracted you both originally? I suspect he admired you for your money management and 'go-to' attitude? Why were you attracted to him originally OP?

You love him and don't want him to be broken yet you're insisting that this debt be paid off to your timescale which means that he struggles to spend £15 on himself, go out, have hobbies.

Then you complain that his crippling monthly repayments result in you paying 65% of household expenses, even though you earn more.

And give him a hard time about looking for a second job.

If you don't want him, call it a day. But he hasn't hidden an addiction, or a criminal history, or an affair and most loving couples would be able to sort out a relatively measly £14k debt without the stress levels you seem to be experiencing.

@Bibbidee I was attracted to his kind genuine manner. And over the last year that's got lost in my resentment.

@RainyApril I'm not insisting the debt gets paid off ASAP, I've left him to deal with it for a whole year since I've known, that doesn't include the time he's already had. He can't go out because after the minimum payment on multiple cards he doesn't have any spare money. Yes I've been resentful because we need things doing in the house and we don't have the spare money or can't go on holiday or any impulse buys. Maybe I'm too hard on him. But I want him to pay the debt off for himself as well. He's buried his head in the sand because he can't himself believe the amount it's got to and can't deal with it.

I think he should consider consolidating the debt and making smaller payments over a longer period. You'll have it hanging over you for longer but without having to skip proper meals and stressing about a £15 treat. If things aren't so tight every month you might not feel so resentful, maybe not too late to save your marriage.

Do you even want to save your marriage?

Hang on, if he’s only paying the minimum payment, it definitely won’t get paid off in. 2-3 years!

Including the overtime he's doing and a few other things, he looks on track to pay it all off in 2/2.5 years time.

I do want to be with him. If this debt gets paid off and he's making a true effort to do it then at this moment in time yes.

It's not about the money though is it? It's only three years. The problem is that he lied to you and failed to take any responsibility for his actions. He then used you as a cash cow while he worked out his debt. That marks three symptoms of anti social personality disorder: lying, failing to accept responsibility and, parassitic rekationships. What else has he done? Did he manipulate you into picking up the financial slack? Did he even care how this would make you feel? Does he still think he's an awesome person despite all this? Does he feel entitled to your money? Does he feel that his financial problems aren't a result of his actions but rather to blame on someone else (e.g. His parents for not giving him a good enough education or that guy who didn't give him a high paying job or his boss who hasn't just offered him a pay rise)? Get out if you can.

'For a whole year when I've been budgeting so hard, missing meals to save money he never did anything. Makes me think he wasn't bothered about me or the affect on my mental health.'

Just to re-iterate your own words, YOU were missing meals because of HIS debts!!! And he was ok with that, you, someone he is supposed to 'love' not eating in an effort to reduce his debts!!!

Op, this is who he is, he doesn't give a crap and I am hardly surprised he does the tears and guilt trip to stop you leaving, because if you leave he will have to grow up and take some responsibility. Unforunately for you he is playing you like a fiddle and you are tying yourself in knots trying to make sense of it.

Honestly I'm so confused. I feel like I make a decision and then someone quite rightly posts something truthful which makes me rethink it all. This morning I was ready to leave, this afternoon I'd thought no we can do this and I'm just as confused again tonight.

I don't think DH did this intentionally. He says he got out of his depth, thought he could pay the debt off and manage a lifestyle where I wouldn't realise but unfortunately I did a year ago. I picked up the slack because I had to, because I felt like I had to take control of our joint account finances. That's my inner control freak needing some form of control for my own peace of mind. I didn't take control of his debt however. And this whole year, I honestly have no idea why, he's just plodded along once again. Now he says he regrets it when he could have been doing something towards it and the threat of me leaving him has apparently only just become serious(!) which has made him want to sort it out once for and for all for us and also for himself. He seems to have a plan. Can I really leave him without seeing that plan through?

He would be heartbroken if I left him. Maybe he is guilt tripping me and emotionally blackmailing me (which is working by the way) and it's because he is scared of what life would be if we ended but can I honestly and happily send him down that downward spiral?

I wholeheartedly think he wouldn't do this again. He would honestly be frightened that I would leave him and also scared of the idea of being in so much debt again. He would also have more disposable income once the debts are paid off whereas initially when the debts were run up he was a student and going out too much etc.

I know he's not playing me intentionally. He just doesn't have that in him. But he is scared of me leaving him.

Oh op, you sound so nice and determined to see the best in people.

You say he's not intentionally manipulating you, but you are still there, making compromises so he is getting exactly what works for him. If that isn't manipulation what is???

Racking up his debt in the first place is genuinely understandable but the way he has dealt with it, i.e. leaving it to you to pick up the slack and make some awful compromises (the not eating, again, sorry!) shows a pretty obvious disregard for your health and well-being.
So this is now the third time this has been discussed and he's come up with apologies etc etc so if you are so determined to refuse to walk away put a timescale on it. Give him 6 months or a year -without you helping paying his debts - and re-asess it then, because if you want kids you don't have years to wait for him to step up.
I am genuinely confused why we as women make excuses to stay with men that are simply not worth it. Good luck,op

Yellow going by your posting history you would have posted differently if the genders were reversed.

The turning on of the tears...........big red flag.

I dated a bloke who tried to hide he was 9 grand in debt. I found out it was due to phone calls to the previous woman he was chasing (who was married) but he never slept with. THIS is what he claimed. Ive never been in any debt but within weeks of starting dating he was all "we will have to tighten our belts when we live together" he actually expected me to help with paying a debt that he claimed he had accrued from chasing a previous love interest. He had also been living in his flat for 7 years yet it was unfurnished. He also turned on the tears a good few times when i tried to end it but i did end it and told him we wernt compatible.

YY to Outys post. The bloke i knew wouldnt take responsibility for his own actions either. He actually tried to blame it on the previous woman he was interested in even though they had never had a relationship.

That's tough op. You've been indirectly paying off and been responsible for his debt. By burying his head in the sand and allowing you to budget he's pushed all responsibility onto you.

I can see why you'd feel resentment. I think you need to look at the bigger picture here, past the next 2-3 years. Are you compatible long term? Is he going to plod along the rest of his life, or is he motivated like you? Are you going to get the life you want? It's perfectly ok to want more from life.
What happens if you have kids - what will your life be like then?

Thanks @Ruddygreattiger2016 another night with another long discussion. He's on a 6 month timeline. If he hasn't done what he's promised by then I'm out of it.

It's been tough, I don't think I've ever cried so much and seen so many tears!

Thank you for all your responses and help.

Did he turn on the tears again?

Hopefully the pennys finally dropped. You are not materialistic for not wanting to scrimp by eating beans on toast because of his debt.
The bloke i mentioned thought the same about me wanting toilet roll in the flat.

Good luck

6 months sounds like a good plan op. Don't mention it again, don't help him either. Just watch what he does. Set a reminder on your phone for 6 months and when the time is up do not pre warn him, just sit him down and see how much he has done.
He may well make a drama over each overtime shift he does and stop making an effort after a couple of months because he thinks/hopes you will have forgotten about it, or he may completely bust a gut to prove he is worthy of you.
In the meantime it may be worth checking practicalities for you if you do split, e.g housing etc, so you can be fully prepared if that does become inevitable?
Please come back and update us, you sound like an incredibly bright, strong, capable woman and we all want the best for you.

I don't have much time to post, but could I suggest:

England - get an IVA (Individual Voluntary Arrangement)
Scotland - get a Trust Deed