Am I being utterly materialistic? Or do I stick it out.

[frankie222]

Hi, any advice would be appreciated.

I found out around a year ago that DH was in credit card debt. Somewhere around £14,000. It's historical debt, stupidly built up from when he was single and going out. Not earning much, he's only been able to reduce it by a few thousand pounds and just making the minimum payments.

I was pretty shocked when I found out. He never mentioned he had any form of debt. When me and DH first met I stupidly had £5,000 debt from my early 20's. Too many holidays and too much shopping. But I paid mine off in a year as soon I met DH. He never admitted any of his debt to me while I was so open about mine.

Fast forward a year since I found out and given him plenty of chances to get another job or find a second income, he hasn't done a thing and buried his head in the sand once again. I was struggling so much with the betrayal, the lies, the pressure, that I ended up going to a therapist who said DH had taken my security blanket of money away from me hence my resentment towards him.

Which brings me to my issue. My wage and disposals income is now being used to help pay for the running of the house while any spare income DH has goes towards making the minimum payments on his cards. I guess the contribution is 65/35 (to me) in to our joint account.

But this isn't what I wanted. Not in life. Not for me. I wanted better. I wanted to travel, buy nice things, not have to worry about money, have children which we can't right now due to lack of money.

Am I being completely materialistic. DH will pay the debt off in 2,3 years ish. Do I stick it out or will I never get over the resentment or that my life didn't 'work out' the way I wanted?

I don't understand why this is such a massive issue, or why you'd expect him to get a second job to sort it out (assuming he already works full time hours).

He ran up a stupid debt when he was younger, as did you.

You were lucky enough to be able to pay yours off within a year of meeting your dh, because you earn more.

It doesn't sound like he's wasteful now. You say he never goes out and doesn't have hobbies. He contributes to the household expenses in keeping with his lower salary. Now he has admitted the debt you are paying more so that he can pay down the debt, as married couples do, joint pot and so on. There is no interest accruing and you say it'll be gone in two years, lesson learnt.

The only part I understand is that it was a shock when you found out, and wrong that he lied. But a woman posted something similar recently - a shopping debt she was scared of admitting to her dp - and most said he'd forgive her if he loved her.

@FrogsLegs32 I think that's exactly it. I feel like I work so hard trying to make a better life. Just because I want the better things in life. I honestly don't think DH is built for that. He's just starting his career at 30. Which there is nothing wrong that, just maybe we're not compatible in that sense of where we would both like to be. And I honestly thought we both were.

And maybe this is the first time I'm even admitting this to myself, I think over the course of the year. After the betrayal I felt originally, after how stressed I've been around the whole money thing, maybe I've just fallen out of love with DH. I love his company but just not in love with him. I don't know, this is such a huge life decision, I honestly don't think I'm mentally even able to make such a life changing decision.

@RainyApril sorry I'm not trying to defensive here but if someone is under so much debt to the point where they can't afford £15 to go out somewhere then why wouldn't they get a second job. Surely being a debt is a bad thing and we should try and get it out of it as soon as possible? I mean that's the way I see things.

Maybe I am too hard on DH about it. I'm not sure.

The key thing here is that if your DH is someone who actually isn’t stressed about money (rather than hiding from the problem) then you are both fundamentally different on a really important issue.

People don’t have to be right or wrong to simply be incompatible in some way

After I moved in with my OH I found out he was in 13k worth of debt, this was debt he had accumulated with his ex wife.
We moved out of our rented place and back in with my dad for three years.
In that three years we paid his debt off and saved up for a mortgage of our own.
I resented I was paying off half her debt, it did make me think about leaving him a lot. I hated that I was looking after him, I had to make changes to how I wanted to live my life to sort him out. But we're still here, been together 6 years now. He's got about 1500 to pay off of previous debt and we've got our own home. We're now in thousands of pounds worth of debt again due to decorating the new home, it never ends! I'm also 33 weeks pregnant.

I suppose my point is that everyone gets in some debt, it's annoying when it's not your own, but apart from that, is he a good man? Does he have the potential to make you happy for the rest of your life once this debt is paid? Because mine will. Our lives are starting now, baby on the way, holidays are getting planned. Took a long time but we're starting to live now and look forward to the future.

You do sound materialistic. You sound very caught up with where you think you should be in terms of possessions and lifestyle.

Lots of people are materialistic, so I don’t necessarily think you’re a bad person for this.

It’s the different approaches to life that is showing a rift between you and your DH.

If I were your DH I think I would be getting pretty hacked off with you going on about getting another job though.

What do you mean minimum repayments?

To repay 14,000 without interest will be £400-600 a month for 2-3 years.

You’re paying off that debt too.

Let’s not pretend you’re not just because you happen to now need to cover his bills so that he has enough money to actually clear his debt.

I have to agree, I am materialistic 100%. I like the flexibility money gives me, the opportunity to go out without thinking about it, or book a holiday and not worry or buy a ridiculous present for myself just because. I have certain goals in life, certain places I wanted to be in my career and certain things I wanted and when I first met DH he mirrored the things I said. And now I'm just thinking it was a lie and deep down he is this person who is ok with not having something, or thinking it's ok I won't buy that because I don't have the money.

You say there is currently a 65/35 split - with you paying 65% so 15% more than your DH. You also say you earn more. Do you earn 15% or more than him? If so I don't see why that split is unreasonable. Do you think you should be entitled to keep it to buy nice things even though your DH would struggle to repay his debts?

I guess you have to decide a) if your feelings for your DH have changed, if so is it because of the debt or because you contribute more than him even though you earn more? b) you took a year to pay off £5k so I wonder why you think it's unreasonable that his 14k (nearly three times as much), will take 2.3 years? Lastly you have to decide whether your relationship is worth more than the material things you mention in your first post, I wanted better. I wanted to travel, buy nice things, not have to worry about money, If not then I guess you leave him and his debt.

Would you be willing to manage his debt for him? Could you insist that he transfers his entire wage to you and you can sort it out? My inner control freak wouldn't be happy letting him continue to make half assed efforts to clear the debt. Once you have full access to his money you could then tell him how much else he needs to earn each month (whether that's through overtime or a second job). In the meantime, I would be booking myself a few days away with friends, as it's not fair that you should miss out because of how rubbish he is with money.

@Gaelach yessss it's my inner control freak that is making me hyperventilate at the amount. I might suggest that to DH but every time we try and talk about it, he's vague or the numbers don't add up and I'm sick to death of trying. But this is why I'm so hard on him, my inner control freak just cannot take the half assed attempt.

I would really struggle with the deceit too OP and the lack of action to resolve it which would make me lose a lot of, if not all, respect for him. I take financial security very seriously.

Are you sure he has no other financial skeletons in his wardrobe? If you're certain you know everything then do google Step Change if you haven't already. They can help him with a lot of practical ways for him to manage this debt and his income. It might be worth looking at in case there are other steps you can take to manage the debt down quickly.

In terms of your resentment and anger have you tried writing? I find that sitting down with paper and just starting to write can be really therapeutic. Just scribble whatever comes out. I read it back in the cold light of day (not always easy when the writing is a squiggle if rage!) but it can really work. If you're feeling really brave maybe DH can read what you write and he might be shocked at how deeply you feel about something that just doesn't seem to be that much of a big deal to him.

You don't sound compatible and his debt and reluctance to pay it off, has exposed that big time. It's not about materialism, it's about a way of thinking that separates you.

if a lack of get up and go bothers you now, it will only get worse in the future.

Why should you suffer and go without things like holidays for the next few years just because he is fine with it!?
Yes, I am sure he is totally fine with you paying the majority of bills and any of your leftover money going on clearing his debts.
He is also fine with you scrimping on food bills and even going without meals to save money to clear his debts.
I would question being tied to him in any way, the benefits to him are crystal clear, but the benefit to you? Not so much.
I am older and have experience of the financial hardships some relationships cause (even having to work 3 jobs at one point thanks to a financially abusive ex) and have learnt to never jeopardise my financial security for another man, which is what your dh is doing to you. I am sorry to say your dh sounds like a lazy money-pit and as long as he has you around to pick up the slack this is who he is.
Seriously rethink your relationship, if you want kids etc this may not be the right relationship for you.

You talked about replying your savings and you talk about his debt - your married now so is it not all joint? How much are your savings? Would putting them towards the debt help pay it off a lot quicker? I think the fact you see it as his problem and resent having to help him says a lot about how committed you are to this marriage.

*depleting

You say there is currently a 65/35 split - with you paying 65% so 15% more than your DH

In what mathematical equation 65 percent 15 percent more than 35 percent?

Op, I don't think you sound matierialisic. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to sit home every night, skipping meals and eating beans on toast. Being ambitious. Enjoying your life, having a financial security blanket is important to many people.

Anyone who wants to sit home eating beans in thr name of love for a man who lied through his teeth and lacks any form of ambition, then more fool them in my view. Not my scene. I'm happy to work and pay for what I want, I would be much less happy to work to pay for someone who lied to me, lacks motivation to sort himself out and I have to forego anything I want because of it.

I think you are incompatible. Your attitudes to money , debt , work and having kids are very different. He wants to sit at home, you want to go out and travel.

When you met you believed him when he said he wanted the same. But you need to listen to his actions not his words . You both want fundementally different things out of life and so far you are doing all the compromising. Not having kids, not going on holiday. Not even going out for a coffee so you can save a tenner.

He’s not going to change . This is your life unless you get out now.

He's only 30 and he was silly to run up £15k worth of debts but if he's working full time and paying it off and he's a good man and cooks and cleans then that's good and worth more in the future if you have kids and pulls his weight around the house.

If you're ambitious and he isn't then that can also be ok in the future if you are the main breadwinner and he picks up the slack at home.

Anyway, you sound incompatible so maybe worth splitting before you have kids.

Op you're complaining about having to pay more of the bills so he can make the repayments necessary to pay the debt off in 2-3 years, but it's only such an unmanageable monthly repayment because you won't allow him to repay it over a longer period.

Maybe your dh would rather pay less pm, over a longer period, so that he doesn't have to think twice about spending £15.

Thank you for all your replies. This is still something I'm struggling to cope with mentally. There's just so many years still to go. Which is what makes me panic.

But then in the grand scheme of our lifetime what's a few more years. As a pp said, maybe our lives can start properly then. Maybe I need to work on my issues around money, and not having that security blanket or peace of mind.

But I just don't know if I'm strong enough to cope with another few years of this.

I think when the debt is cleared you still won't be happy - because he isn't someone who is ambitious in the same way as you - he's a plodder and content at home. You want to travel, he says he does.

But his actions say differently - you need to look at the person he really is, not the person he says he is. I don't think you're compatible.

maybe our lives can start properly then I don’t think anybody has said that. It is you who feels that you are not currently living ‘properly’.

Your DHs personality won’t change once the debt is paid.

OP I wouldn't leave him but I'd split bills 50/50 and force him to be skint and start paying it off.