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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbroken

63 replies

Flutterby78 · 04/02/2018 05:42

Discovered tonight that my husband of 15 years has been using online dating sites. I have read some of the messages basically telling everyone they are hot and fishing for a response. One message was swapping phone numbers I just can't even talk about it.

So gutted. We had some problems with him being unkind for a while but I thought we would middle through. I thought he loved me. I loved him. He says he was just looking for affirmation that he was still attractive and only logged on to these sites when we had an argument. He says he didn't meet up with anyone. I do believe that as he works from Home but who knows? I know that reading all of this flirting from a man I have been with for a sum of 17 years is just devastating.

He said it was my fault because I was cold he did it to spite me when he was angry at me.

I just feel so crap and in shock and I just don't know what to do. I don't think I can come back from this. I have felt suspicious of him for years thought he was hiding something. He says my suspicions drove him to behave like this. However I now realised that my suspicion only really started when he started a new job. He seemed to change and be cold and critical and nasty.

I haven't worked in 10 years I am a sahm to 4 dc. He has just flourished in his career over the last 10 years and we have only just became a bit more comfortable. Now I need to start again.

What the hell will I do for money? Will I ever get over this? I'm going to be 40 next month. I just feel like killing myself. No point in anything. He hates me I think. He is all I have ever known. We build a family and now I feel like I'm going to throw up. I think the messages and faces of the women will be burned in my brain forever. I feel so numb but a tear comes rolling down. I am not behaving how I thought I would. I am just so shocked

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 04/02/2018 05:52

Hi there, You are in shock by what you have seen. Whatever happens you will survive this situation. Firstly you need to tell dh to leave the home - having him around won’t help anyone. How old are your dc? Next thing to do is sort out financial issues. Day at a time

Original poster
Flutterby78 · 04/02/2018 05:53

I can't do this invite so heartbroken

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterby78 · 04/02/2018 05:54

Sorry I was crying I mean I can't do this where do I find the strength

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterby78 · 04/02/2018 05:55

Dc are small all pre school

OP posts:
mumgointhroughtorture · 04/02/2018 05:58

Well that's typical behaviour isn't it , blaming you ! You didn't make him sign upto dating sites or msg these women .

This is about HIM not YOU .

It's been a shock. You need to take some time out to think about what you want to do . It doesn't sound like he's very sorry if he's blaming you for it , so where you go from here will take time to figure out. Be kind to yourself .

Sometimes things like this can be a wake up call to tell you neither of you are happy . So you either spend more time together fixing what you've got , taking more notice of each other, (being parents of 4 kids is obviously gonna have taken its toll on your relationship) or you move on and make a life for yourself and your kids .
Good luck :)

Afreshcuppateaplease · 04/02/2018 05:59

Oh op Flowers

What a dick. You can do it. You will do it for your dc

letsdolunch321 · 04/02/2018 05:59

Obviously it has been a great shock, Financially your dh has to pay towards the children.

What would you prefer to do?

This situation happened to me 8yrs ago - a tad different as exh had been having a 2yr affair. Yes, I was devastated but got through it.

Sunflowers4 · 04/02/2018 06:04

@Flutterby78 so sorry you are going through this! I have recently been through something similar! Only my STBXH was having an affair. You can do this! He isn't taking responsibility for his actions by blaming you! That's what they all do! Read the thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3009364-Does-it-get-better

So many of us have been in your position and are coming out the other side! Not going to lie it's a rollercoaster of emotions and it is hard but you can do it! The above thread really helped me to feel less alone! Feel free to pm me if you want to! Big hugs xx

ivykaty44 · 04/02/2018 06:05

He said it was my fault because I was cold he did it to spite me when he was angry at me.

He and only him is responsible for his own actions...

You didn’t force him to make online dating accounts, that was his choice

How would he feel if you opened up on line dating accounts

Original poster
Flutterby78 · 04/02/2018 06:05

If he has met up with anyone I need to divorce him. I just don't know if he has. He literally messaged 25 women hey beautiful etc on his last work night away. On his own in his hotel room. It's not looking good. I don't know what today will bring I've been awake all night

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterby78 · 04/02/2018 06:07

I'm such an idiot. I Spent 17 years being faithful and building a family only for it to end up like this at 40

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterby78 · 04/02/2018 06:08

He has been very very unkind for a long time though. I was committed to making it work and some days would be nice but lots wouldn't

OP posts:
Afreshcuppateaplease · 04/02/2018 06:11

You are not an idiot. He is an idiot.

Original poster
Flutterby78 · 04/02/2018 06:11

Thank you all for your kindness I don't even know how I'm going to keep breathing

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 04/02/2018 06:12

You are not the idiot, its a natural feeling to feel the way you do. Your mind will have these thoughts - it is part of the process you are going through

BitOfFun · 04/02/2018 06:18

That sounds horrendous, I'm so sorry. If you've had a baby every year for the last four, even after not working for five or six, you must be exhausted too. It sounds very callous for him to accuse you of being cold under the circumstances.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/02/2018 06:22

He’s messaged 25 women, swapped numbers with at least one of them. But he was just looking for affirmation that he’s still attractive. And it was after you fought. He said you’re cold.

You know he’s turning this into being all about him. Wifey doesn’t understand me. Fucking snake. I’m really angry on your behalf. Flowers

Original poster
Flutterby78 · 04/02/2018 06:24

He said I've never got time for him that isn't true if anything I was a bit pathetic. Wanting to hang around with him all of the time he was always a bit cold

OP posts:
Stella60 · 04/02/2018 06:27

So sorry to hear what you are going through. Take your time speak to family and friends and focus on your DC. If he genuinely wants to make things work out between you then go for counselling (very important that you are both comfortable with the counsellor as you will need to be very open about intimate issues) If not then probably separation is the way to go. Try not to panic, you will get through this. It will get easier.

ButteredScone · 04/02/2018 06:28

It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault.

Please do not listen to any ‘reason’ for his behaviour that allows him to share the blame. He has been caught and he is lashing out and he is prepared to hurt you even more. But you need to see it for what it is - do not listen to any of it.

BitOfFun · 04/02/2018 06:40

So he was cold towards you even through those years you were at home, not working, while he worked at home himself? How much attention does he need?!

BitOfFun · 04/02/2018 06:43

How can he possibly claim you were cold if you gave up work just to be around him? That's a bit rich. And what does he expect in terms of your attention with FOUR pre-schoolers? A reality check is needed, I think.

Firefries · 04/02/2018 06:49

Yeah I'm sorry but him working away and being in a hotel alone and messaging women? Is that right? You need a straight up conversation with him about this and you need to find out whether there is more to it. Maybe even a blood test in case he's been sleeping around. Sorry. I'm being practical.

Nellia · 04/02/2018 07:38

Its not your fault its his for being an insecure pr!ck.

I actually know a guy that does something similar(coworker ) he didnt blame his wife though said he needed the validation and enjoyed the attention. Some kind of weird addiction. Is still with his wife.

Dont have any answers beyond take it one day at a time.

Work out what you want for your life dont think about his feelings, be selfish think about your needs and if he cant meet them come up with another plan.

grobagsforever · 04/02/2018 07:51

I'm so sorry OP. Don't panic. You'll be ok financially- he'll need to pay maintenance. And you'll get tax credits etc.

I'd ask him to leave so I could think. Also he needs to take all DC for day so you can think/process