Heartbroken

[Flutterby78]

Discovered tonight that my husband of 15 years has been using online dating sites. I have read some of the messages basically telling everyone they are hot and fishing for a response. One message was swapping phone numbers I just can't even talk about it.

So gutted. We had some problems with him being unkind for a while but I thought we would middle through. I thought he loved me. I loved him. He says he was just looking for affirmation that he was still attractive and only logged on to these sites when we had an argument. He says he didn't meet up with anyone. I do believe that as he works from Home but who knows? I know that reading all of this flirting from a man I have been with for a sum of 17 years is just devastating.

He said it was my fault because I was cold he did it to spite me when he was angry at me.

I just feel so crap and in shock and I just don't know what to do. I don't think I can come back from this. I have felt suspicious of him for years thought he was hiding something. He says my suspicions drove him to behave like this. However I now realised that my suspicion only really started when he started a new job. He seemed to change and be cold and critical and nasty.

I haven't worked in 10 years I am a sahm to 4 dc. He has just flourished in his career over the last 10 years and we have only just became a bit more comfortable. Now I need to start again.

What the hell will I do for money? Will I ever get over this? I'm going to be 40 next month. I just feel like killing myself. No point in anything. He hates me I think. He is all I have ever known. We build a family and now I feel like I'm going to throw up. I think the messages and faces of the women will be burned in my brain forever. I feel so numb but a tear comes rolling down. I am not behaving how I thought I would. I am just so shocked

Ring Samaritans on 116123 if you need some immediate caring support OP. At least try. And see what it's like. Then come back and let me know how you feel in an hour after making the call?

Flutterby you must get some help - is there a friend or family member who can go to you today? Please call them, you have children who need you but you must get some help for yourself.

Please call the Samaritans as suggested above.
They can help you.
If you are feeling like you can't go on then you need some help and support.
Please make an appointment with your GP and tell them what you've told us.
You have 4 DC and they need you.
Reach out. It will be the best decision you make today.

OP you need some RL support. Do you have family, friends, neighbours who will support you ?

Just text them and say that you and H have split up and you are devastated and can they come round soon ?

If they ask, tell that you asked him to leave because you found out he was cheating , you don’t have to say any more . Unless you want to of course.

You just need some support to get through the shock stage . It’s perfectly normal and It doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to do this on your own in the medium and long term.

You are not stupid or pathetic . You are not going mad. It’s just the shock.

OP the Samaritans do help. I hit rock bottom and had to cling on for the sake of the children. I couldn't breathe or see how to go on. Talking to someone really does help. You will get through this, the strength will come when you are less shocked. Rational thoughts come back and you will see there is a future

You can go on Flutterby, please call the Samaritans and let it all out. Your children will need you and you clearly are an intelligent lady with a lot to offer, including loyalty given to someone who clearly didnt deserve it and has big issues ..

I had similar scenraio but different (found stuff written to someone else an EA/obsession/Crushwhatever you want to call it, that went on for a very good while. Like you, I was absolutely floored when I found evidence . Find your inner anger and your spirit. Even being bloody angry and having steam coming out your ears at a time when on your own or just you and him helps, I found trying to be calm and quiet and keep the peace made it all worse. Take him to the cleanershe deserves it. There is an old expression 'this too will pass'. It doesnt feel like it at the time, I couldnt eat, couldnt sit still, couldnt think about anything else but eventually I got my self together and just felt blooming fuming! and that helped. Mine works from home too and I think sometimes thats part of the issue causing this kind of crap, little opportunity for even a quick 5 minute flirt or some woman to say 'like your shirt etc' and hence it seems easier to get into 'internet' habits when they need a buzz. Take a deep breath, make a call and let it outplease !!

I just wanted to update for anyone who may be going through something similar. It has been three months now and the pain is much less. The sun is brighter and I can see hope in my life. I have not had my husband back and he is devastated.

It will get better for those going through this. The pain is unbearable but just take it one hour at a time. You will feel happy again. Don't give up. I know because I tried to give up twice. Now my head is clear I realise what a waste that would have been. There is happiness out there once you heal. I thank all of the ladies for the support you will never know how much it actually saved my life x

Amazing update! You rock! It does get better still, you've got this in the bag x

great and useful update, OP! Well done on staying strong, you are a great inspiration.

Thank you! I realise that this was actually a blessing he had been physically abusive for years and I had been in denial. He set me free from misery. X

That's a fantastic update. I thought it was a current thread and was going to say that if you lived without him, you'd feel like you were on holiday.

This is such a wonderful update , well done OP! Xx

Wow ! What a fantastic update.