Heartbroken

[Flutterby78]

Discovered tonight that my husband of 15 years has been using online dating sites. I have read some of the messages basically telling everyone they are hot and fishing for a response. One message was swapping phone numbers I just can't even talk about it.

So gutted. We had some problems with him being unkind for a while but I thought we would middle through. I thought he loved me. I loved him. He says he was just looking for affirmation that he was still attractive and only logged on to these sites when we had an argument. He says he didn't meet up with anyone. I do believe that as he works from Home but who knows? I know that reading all of this flirting from a man I have been with for a sum of 17 years is just devastating.

He said it was my fault because I was cold he did it to spite me when he was angry at me.

I just feel so crap and in shock and I just don't know what to do. I don't think I can come back from this. I have felt suspicious of him for years thought he was hiding something. He says my suspicions drove him to behave like this. However I now realised that my suspicion only really started when he started a new job. He seemed to change and be cold and critical and nasty.

I haven't worked in 10 years I am a sahm to 4 dc. He has just flourished in his career over the last 10 years and we have only just became a bit more comfortable. Now I need to start again.

What the hell will I do for money? Will I ever get over this? I'm going to be 40 next month. I just feel like killing myself. No point in anything. He hates me I think. He is all I have ever known. We build a family and now I feel like I'm going to throw up. I think the messages and faces of the women will be burned in my brain forever. I feel so numb but a tear comes rolling down. I am not behaving how I thought I would. I am just so shocked

OK, let’s park reality and just imagine for a second that you were cold (you weren’t, it’s bullshit, !but let’s imagine). Then why didn’t he just come to you and say, ‘I’m upset, you’re cold’ before breaking his vows? What have dating sites for to do with this?

Nothing, because it’s a bullshit excuse now he’s been caught.

Sending you massive hugs. Your story is scarily similar to mine. 4 DCs and discovered last week profiles and messages on a secret email account with explicit photos and videos pretty much spanning our 13 year marriage. This is on top of the secret gambling addiction and associated debts I discovered last year.

He left last week.

I'm still in shock and, like you, numb. At the moment I'm just focused on keeping things as normal as possible for the kids.

Please feel free to pm me if you want to chat further.

There is a secret email account and another two dating websites that I can't access. Anyone know how to crack into pof? I only know the email used not the user name

Do you really need any more proof that he is a lying, unkind waste of space?

Don't worry about the other accounts, but do arrange to see a solicitor asap. You may well be much better off than you think you will be after a separation, and you need to ask yourself if you will ever be able to trust him again after the way he has behaved.

Good luck - it does get easier.

I was about to type that you don't have to end your marriage if you can both try to move past this. But them I reread it and realised he blames you. This is outrageous, wrong and terribly cruel. I'm afraid you may be better of without him.

I was committed to making it work.

More like you were hiding in a marriage to man who you knew deep down had checked out long ago.

I didn’t write the above to be unkind but to wake you from your stupor. You’ve been in denial for far too long and as scary as this is, it’s an opportunity (I know it won’t feel like it now) to discover who you are and what makes you happy. The half life you’ve settled for and cocooned yourself in has come at a very high price, your self respect.

There isn’t a parallel universe where he’s different and you do have the option to put the blinkers back on and hide some more. However, do you really want to wake up in twenty years, having help model an unhealthy relationship to your children, with a man who doesn’t care.

I really think you should have some rl support, preferably professional, to help support you during this challenging period.

Istan what you wrote has just broken me. You are right. I have no words only tears

It's right also I don't need any more proof. We have spoken this has been going on a few years. I don't think he has met up with them but I don't know. I know I need to figure out if there is a future but in reality I don't think there is.

He told me he realised he was unkind to me because of guilt over the years and it was like an addiction that go out of hand. I'm a fool, I was trying to help him with this irritation trying to make everything perfect, trying to make me perfect.

He did check out a long time ago but I thought if I was better I could make him love me again

For years I thought I had paranoia and anxiety but now I know it was intuition

for you - the shock is Terrible. He doesn’t sound like he wants to make your relationship work. Ask him out right and move from there if he does he has a lot of work to do- can you see him doing that work? You need space do you have someone you can go to? Make him deal with the drudgery of home life for a few days come back stronger and decide then.

I think you have summed it up perfectly there with your intuition comment. Hopefully you are finally seeing things as they truly are and will turn a corner.

He did check out a long time ago but I thought if I was better I could make him love me again

You could have been a rainbow unicorn, shaking shiny raindrops from your mane in the golden sunset. This is not about you needing to be better. It's about him being an arse.

Op, I get it. Having hid in an on/off relationship for ten years it took Ex assaulting me to wake me from my self imposed stupor. The assault was not my fault but the decision to stay in a crappy relationship for so bloody long was my choice.

I didn’t intend to make you cry but I do want you to understand that there is so much more to you than this unfulfilling relationship and yes, it’s hard letting go of a comfort blanket, even one that’s smelly, threadbare and barely counts as a blanket these day.

In the cruelest way he has done the kindest thing and that’s giving you the opportunity to give yourself a long overdue kick up the arse.

Be kind to yourself. A good therapist will be worth their weight in gold, I should know, I had one. She didn’t tell me things (much to my frustration in the beginning) but she provided me with the space to talk, which gave me the opportunity to listen to myself.

Seek legal advice regarding financials in a divorce.

Don't beg and plead.

Please do not blame yourself...do not accept his blame. That's typical of a cheater.

Try and get support from a friend or family member. Do not feel you need internalize all this.

He gaslighted you for years...he's rather sad seeking online affirmation like that.

The 180 is a good tool for betrayed spouses

180

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

I haven't told anyone in real life I can't bring myself to say the words because then it is real. I have just taken myself out of sight of the children to sob and then return when it passes. I haven't eaten a thing today I think my broken heart has fallen into my stomach.

I can't believe he would do this. I asked him to leave and he has gone to a hotel I think. I'm swinging from feeling nothing to deep sadness to panic. I keep trying to rationalise it in my head. If you found your dh using multiple dating sites with a secret email account every 3 months or so how would you feel? I read the messages all "you are gorgeous. What are you doing tonight" but he says he has never met them.

How are you this morning? Hope you’ve managed to get some sleep.

OP there is no rush. You are now in control and it is for you to decide what you want to do. My Ex H had an affair and left and it took us 5 years to start divorcing. Have a look online as to what tax credits you will get. See a solicitor. This will give you knowledge and then control. Good luck it really is a horrible period of time. I found telling people in real life really helped as they were so kind.

Thank you for all of the messages I'm feeling deep sadness in my chest and hopelessness that I'm trying to swallow down in front of the children. I keep swinging between will this all be ok or has the world just ended. Yesterday it seemed less painful than today. I think the realisation of the messages i found is starting to sink in. It's a bad place I'm in

Thing is - how could he be 'spiting you' when you didn't know anything about it? Doing something to 'get back at someone' for their behaviour only works if they KNOW YOU ARE DOING IT. Otherwise it's sneaking around behind their back, which is cheating.

Whether he's met them or not (and, really? Sending 'wow, you're hot' messages is the fastest way to turn women off on a dating site, see...well, see all the posts on MN on 'messages women hate getting and never respond to') doesn't matter. He was looking elsewhere.

He's not a nice person. A nice person would have sat you down and explained what he thought was going wrong and asked how you both could put it right. He's a chancer. And 'you are gorgeous, what are you doing tonight?' Unless he's Tom Hardy, that's NEVER going to work!

He was appearing as "cold" because he was trying to justify to himself WHY he was doing what he was - being a wanker ! His attempt to blame you for this is despicable . He can't even own his mistake. He is weak and he is also shit scared right now.

Current social media just makes all of this FAR TOO easy and it is easy for people to hide behind their screens . They want a bit of a "buzz" . Men want to feel "valued" and "wanted " - said with sarcasm... there are men who just cannot cope with the lack of attention they perceive once a family is in full flow.

On the practical level - It is far too early for you to think about doing anything - you are in shock, your life has changed in an instant , the rug has been pulled from underneath you . Many of us have been there ! You just need to get through each day currently step by step . I know when I was in a similar situation I was even thinking of having my dog put to sleep as I couldn't even cope with him. ( I didn't) You have little children to look after - God love you and give you strength . He will try to minimise all of this and you may never know what has happened . Only you can decide whether this is something that you can run with/work with BUT it will not come easily and you will NOT know currently. For now, drink tea, try to eat ( I know ) and just put one foot in front of the other . Listen and absorb .

He said it was my fault because I was cold he did it to spite me when he was angry at me
This is all you need to know.
Until he can admit he did wrong and take responsibility for HIS OWN actions, you will never get past it.
I couldn't anyway.
This would be a deal breaker for me.
You even say he's been unkind for years.
I think you need to really look at why you have stayed to be treated like shit.
No-one has to put up with that.
Have you looked at the implications of separation?
Finances, work, access, benefits, housing, etc...?
He doesn't deserve you.
YOU did NOT make him to any of these things.
And him blaming you just shows he has absolutely no respect for you at all and that won't change!

Most Men are truly shit at owning their shit I find. As my husband said whilst having a mini meltdown, having to go ‘into it’ made him feel ‘small’ they then often deflect and blam shift, your DH knows he has been a shit, he just finds it easier to find somewhere to lay blame

@Flutterby totally feel for you and remember the feeling of shock - it is so horrible that he has done this but on top of that tried to twist it all to blame you! Be kind to yourself and just get through the next few days, get some support from a trusted friend or family member and when you can and if it's something you are comfortable with, some professional support from a therapist. It is hard going but I am so grateful I decided to go into therapy. Wishing you all the best.

I just can't go on