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Original poster

Ways to live with DH's anxiety

88 replies

slothsandunicorns · 04/02/2018 00:20

Just wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation and if there are any steps I can take help me and my family.

DH has always been quite 'hard work' - more so since DCs have been around (13 and 9). He has anxiety which seems to have become more prevalent in recent years.

He has made more of an effort recently to explain how his anxiety is affecting him and how it feels which is great because it helps me to understand him more. He is currently having a course of CBT and is about 3 sessions in to 10 weeks of it. He doesn't work as he says he is too anxious to do so but is doing an MA (which is also a source of stress to him).

I am trying really hard to see things from his perspective but I am worried about the effect his anxiety is having on our family. We have already taken a financial hit due to him not working (I work f/t and we are ok day to day but there is little left over for emergencies or luxuries and we cannot save anything) - I have posted about this before. However I am getting more worried about his erratic moods - he often disappears upstairs with a 'headache' and the DCs have started to pick up on this. DH can get 'set off' by the smallest of comments (from me or DCs) which have lasting repercussions for the rest of the day. We are often treading on eggshells and sometimes it feels I am in an abusive relationship. I know DH isn't doing it intentionally but the effects are still the same - constantly watching what I doing/saying and trying to second guess how DH will react to things. Constantly feeling I am not doing enough to support him and that when things go wrong it is all my fault. DH often gets moody but if I or the DCs make a negative comment about anything we get questioned - a lot. It is very wearing.

Has anyone else learnt to manage this sort of situation? I want to help as DH is ill but nothing I do seems to be good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
slothsandunicorns · 04/02/2018 00:26

I am off to bed now so may not be able to reply straight away - just wanted to get OP out there while DH not here. Will check back in tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
ferntwist · 04/02/2018 00:26

You sound like a saint. I have no idea how you cope with this. Could you imagine asking him to leave? It can’t be good for any of you to live like this.

Failingat40 · 04/02/2018 00:38

Plenty of Anxiety sufferers work and hold down careers. The fact he's not working will exacerbate his anxiety and heighten stress level for you also with being the sole earner.

He will have anxiety whether you're there or not so I think you need to consider if staying together with children growing up in an environment where it could be emotionally damaging to them is really a good thing.

He needs to manage his condition and get a job.
I'd also be sceptical of his habit of disappearing upstairs at the drop of a hat citing a 'headache'. Hmm

RandomUsernameHere · 04/02/2018 00:48

Your situation sounds really hard OP. Has your DH seen a specialist and is he taking any medication? Anxiety can be extremely debilitating but plenty of people with it can hold down successful careers if it is managed properly. It also doesn't have to manifest itself in the way you describe your DH taking it out on the family. Hope things improve for you soon.

WombOfOnesOwn · 04/02/2018 03:14

If he's in CBT he should be learning to deal with these things, and shouldn't be going away with "headaches" more frequently. This sounds like a man who is just checked out.

How sure are you that he's actually going to therapy? Could there be an OW instead? "Anxiety" is a lovely excuse for some men to leave the room and go text someone else.

Olddear · 04/02/2018 04:41

What's he going to do with this MA if he can't work anyway? No advice, but he sounds very hard work.

Cambionome · 04/02/2018 08:46

Hmm. Sounds like you are carrying the whole family emotionally and financially.

Good that he is doing CBT but if you don't see any improvement at all from the course I would think about asking him to move out, otherwise your mental health will be affected and that will be a disaster for everyone. Flowers

junebirthdaygirl · 04/02/2018 08:59

Is he taking medication? If not he should be. At least until he has learnt some skills with cbt. What happens if ye don't tiptoe around him? Does he just go off upstairs or does he get mad. Has he seen a proper consultant for a complete assessment and diagnosis?
You may not be able to endure this and you don't have to feel guilty about that. Meantime try and do stuff that helps you and from that your dc. Does he take care of the dc after school? Can you get out in the evening for a swim or a run to get some head clearance for yourself? Is he kind to the dc doing stuff with them.
My dh has bipolar. Held down a full time busy professional job until he was 60. Brought the dc to football, dance etc. Kicked ball every evening with them. Taught them to surf and swim etc. At times he was very ill and spent time in hospital but as soon as he was back home it was hands on again.
My biggest survival things were looking after myself and keeping a good life going including exercise..insisting he was on meds at all times ..no excuses and finally not tiptoeing around him but expecting him to pull his weight and be part of the family. I did have counselling myself which helped.

Original poster
slothsandunicorns · 04/02/2018 10:21

Thanks for the responses. He is not taking any medication and has not had a 'proper' diagnosis from a consultant. He has gone to the GP and who referred him for CBT. This is the second time this process has happened - he initially had CBT about 7 years ago. This new round has come about as I said if he's too ill to work he needs to get some sort of diagnosis so he can claim sickness benefits. No diagnosis or sickness benefits have come about though. Since starting these sessions he has been a lot more open about what is going round in his head although that doesn't make it any easier to live with.

I have thought about leaving many many times weighing up the pros and cons. My main issue is that he is the main carer for the DCs as I work f/t so I am worried about losing access to them. Also if I am around I can mitigate any negative effects of the anxiety towards them. I go backwards and forwards a lot with this. If he turned round tomorrow and said he wanted to split up I'd probably just say 'OK then'.

A typical example of a conversation happened yesterday. DH disappeared upstairs after DD asked where part of her lunch was.
DH: 'DD speaks down to me in a way she doesn't do to you.'
I admit I did this face Hmm.
DH: 'See I knew you'd react like that. That's the worst thing you could have done. You're denying how I'm feeling.'
Me: 'OK sorry. I probably haven't noticed because I haven't been looking for that sort of thing.'
DH: 'Just because you can't see doesn't mean it doesn't happen.'
Me: 'OK I'll keep my eye out for it in future.' Inside I'm going Confused

Conversations like these happen quite often and make me feel like I'm a going a bit mad - constantly questioning my own perceptions of things.

OP posts:
CaraBosse1 · 04/02/2018 10:25

Separate. Seriously. My anxiety has ruined my DH's life as well as my own. You (lovingly) are facilitating his anxiety.

GreenTulips · 04/02/2018 10:26

So he had a problem with how DD speaks to him and he wants you to deal with it?

Manchild

If DD spoke to you badly would you ask him to deal with it or step up?

How is he the main caret when you work full time and they are in school

user1498854363 · 04/02/2018 10:29

Op, I feel for you, this sounds familiar. I would urge you both to engage with services, Gp, mental health services, read about anxiety, Aspergers, depression etc. See if he can find others who feel similar as that will help him and you to better understand.

You all have right to a good life, and anxiety is soul destroying, but if he is unwell he has to get help, same as if he broke his leg he would get treatment.

Support, encourage and work together. He may have times of unreasonableness, talk to dc about what you agree. Again if he broke his leg would you expect him to clean the floor? Start understanding his limits and work together😀

Good luck and get support for you too 💐

JaneEyre70 · 04/02/2018 10:29

Oh lovey, he sounds like very hard work and it's all about him. You're getting nothing from this relationship other than an extra child to look after. He's given up work without a formal diagnosis? He's a waster, love, and one that's landing everything on your shoulders. That's not my idea of a relationship...... and the part where you say you and the DCs are walking on eggshells is a huge red flag. He's dictating your entire lives around his "anxiety". He needs a kick up the arse and a reality check, sorry.

user1498854363 · 04/02/2018 10:31

Ps, sorry didn’t mean to come across so ‘telling’, but I hate to see LTB around someone’s health, that’s just me thou 😀😬

What do u want?

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 10:32

I think you need to try to get him to get a proper diagnosis. Maybe speak to the gp yourself. That doesn't sound like anxiety to me. Maybe some form of paranoia, maybe coupled with depression. I don't know, but if he won't go and get properly diagnosed and helped, I'd go to the gp myself and explain the situation.

Is his thoughts often based around how people behave badly towards him?

rainsbows30 · 04/02/2018 10:36

I have extreme anxiety. I refuse medication (won't go into why). Get him on the linden method (google it) my GP recommended it.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 10:39

Sorry, I'd also add he is taking care of the children and mentally unwell. You yourself are finding it hard as an adult, it's confusing you, can you imagine how confusing it is to them?

This is a key reason for you to act. It's not fair on the children to be cared for by someone who is ill enough that even their adult spouse struggles with dealing with them. You've no idea what's going on when you're not there.

I know it's hard for you to have to be the one to take responsibility and act, but you have to for their sakes.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2018 10:40

I could not and would not live like this.

You are sacrificing your life to him.

He is a grown man. Get yourself and your kids out of this situation.

Weezol · 04/02/2018 10:44

Is he actually going to CBT or just leaving the house for a while? I'm another one wondering why he's not on medication - it's rare for a GP to be able to magic up CBT courses, there's usually quite a waiting list, think months not weeks. Medication is usually offered to mitigate the anxiety during the wait. It helped me immeasurably.

If he's having this many headaches he needs to see an optician.

It sounds to me as though he's using his anxiety to play ringmaster with the rest of you and enjoying having you all bow to his demands. To be blunt, I think he's taking the piss.

As an aside, my friends' OH is doing an MA and working full time. He has fully diagnosed and documented Bi-Polar, dyslexia and Ihrlens. It's hard work, but it's not forever. How long has your DH been doing his MA?

Mouseville65 · 04/02/2018 10:45

I have anxiety - it’s difficult BUT it doesn’t have to be debilitating. I work full time and run a business, some days I have to take medication to leave the house but that’s ok, that’s what the medication is there for. My OH found it very difficult when it started, he supported me as much as possible but often ‘got it wrong’ then I’d react badly and during the 12 weeks Councelling I had I was even more difficult to cope with as I was looking for triggers constantly and therefore finding them! It all came to a head when he told me he couldn’t do this any more, that I wasn’t the same person and it was killing him - that was the wake up call I needed. We reas about anxiety together, I stopped using it as an excuse for every strop I wanted to throw, we realised finance was a big trigger so I took a job alongside my business (it wasn’t making enough to take a proper wage) and I started taking the meds when I felt it coming instead of after the anxiety hit. What I’m trying to say here is if he loves you and wants you to be happy he will try and meet you in the middle, You can manage anxiety I’m living proof but you have to really want too because it is hard. I wish you luck op 💐

DontWannaThanks · 04/02/2018 10:47

I'm ashamed to day I was similar to this towards my partner due to anxiety. I eventually saw my gp and he put me on anti anxiety meds. It has made a great difference to me, as I still get worried and anxious BUT in a manageable way so I feel calm enough to rationalise things in my mind before lashing out.

I have always worked, which felt horrendous on my bad days but its also better imo as if I don't have work or something to keep my focus I over think and anxiety spirals.

I think sadly I've seeked help too late to salvage our relationship, so please push your OH before your wonderful patience snaps.

Original poster
slothsandunicorns · 04/02/2018 11:08

Yes I am mindful of abandoning someone who is ill but it is hard to unpick how necessary or inevitable these 'symptoms' are and how far the DCs and I should be expected to put up with them.

He is definitely going to the CBT as I have seen the 'homework' he gets. He was referred for it in August and it started in December.

Thank you to those who have been through this who have shared how they have/haven't coped - it's been very helpful. I have some thinking to do now. I will raise the subject of medication as I don't know why this hasn't come up at all as part of is treatment.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 11:11

I'm sorry but your children should not be expected to at all. Not without a well adult present. You have a choice, they do not.

No one "expects" you to put up with it, you chose to do so. You are the one who expects your children to. They are powerless to decide.

I'm sorry if that's harsh, but it's true.

saladdays66 · 04/02/2018 11:16

Are you sure he’s really anxious? Or is he using that as an excuse for everything - not working, having everyone tiptoe around you? He hasn’t even been diagnosed with anything!

What is he anxious about?

I have anxiety and I work, have relationships with people, can talk about how i’m feeling and don’t expect people to walk on eggshells around me.

Dozer · 04/02/2018 11:17

I have an anxiety condition and WoH. Plenty of people do. Some cannot, but if responsible parents and partners will seek professional help/treatment and any benefits, to do what they can to work, cover domestics and parenting AH etc. Your H doesn’t seem to be doing that.

He could well both have a MH issue and be selfish, or even abusive. The MH issue does not excuse behaviour that is negatively affecting the family.

Why did you agree to him stopping work? And studying for a (presumably costly) MA?

Have you had legal advice on implications for residency of the DC and finances should you break up?

In your situation I would get legal advice and plan to end the relationship.