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Original poster

Ways to live with DH's anxiety

88 replies

slothsandunicorns · 04/02/2018 00:20

Just wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation and if there are any steps I can take help me and my family.

DH has always been quite 'hard work' - more so since DCs have been around (13 and 9). He has anxiety which seems to have become more prevalent in recent years.

He has made more of an effort recently to explain how his anxiety is affecting him and how it feels which is great because it helps me to understand him more. He is currently having a course of CBT and is about 3 sessions in to 10 weeks of it. He doesn't work as he says he is too anxious to do so but is doing an MA (which is also a source of stress to him).

I am trying really hard to see things from his perspective but I am worried about the effect his anxiety is having on our family. We have already taken a financial hit due to him not working (I work f/t and we are ok day to day but there is little left over for emergencies or luxuries and we cannot save anything) - I have posted about this before. However I am getting more worried about his erratic moods - he often disappears upstairs with a 'headache' and the DCs have started to pick up on this. DH can get 'set off' by the smallest of comments (from me or DCs) which have lasting repercussions for the rest of the day. We are often treading on eggshells and sometimes it feels I am in an abusive relationship. I know DH isn't doing it intentionally but the effects are still the same - constantly watching what I doing/saying and trying to second guess how DH will react to things. Constantly feeling I am not doing enough to support him and that when things go wrong it is all my fault. DH often gets moody but if I or the DCs make a negative comment about anything we get questioned - a lot. It is very wearing.

Has anyone else learnt to manage this sort of situation? I want to help as DH is ill but nothing I do seems to be good enough.

OP posts:

cjferg · 05/02/2018 18:23

Stay strong and do what you think is right. Think of his good points and not just his bad. The fact he is talking is great but maybe he should be talking TO you and discussing and listening to how his issues affect you (and children) too.
Came to this thread because my situation has some similarities to OP and was hoping to be reassured.
Sad now because people have even less understanding of mental health than I thought they did.
It's fucking hard but being with someone who had a physical disability would be too.
If the OP was seeking help about being with someone who'd developed a physical problem this 'advice' would be completely different.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/02/2018 19:35

cjferg Not if they were refusing medication for their problem in case it affected their creativity, the advice would be exactly the same.

Plenty of us on here have had MH problems in the past and most of us have sought treatment, because we have had to deal with families/work etc. Being able to say 'I don't want treatment because it might affect me in a way I don't like' is a luxury most can't afford.

GladysKnight · 05/02/2018 19:51

Hear hear Zaphod. I get this and my first priority is to minimise the impact on my family, especially DCs. I can only really manage that with medication. If he's together enough to refuse medication because it might 'impact his creativity' he'stogether enough to do a lot more to eliminate the impact on his family. When he's done everything he can, then he gets to be accommodated for what he can't change. But if it impacting family badly, he has to accept it is better for them to go. He can't use them as an alternative to medication if his symptoms are really hurting them, that's abusive!

Valerrie · 05/02/2018 19:53

He may have used that as an excuse. I refuse medication for complex PTSD reasons yet I tell people many different things as to why I don't take pills.

Dozer · 05/02/2018 19:58

His creativity?!

Is his degree in cheeky fuckery?

Was he always such a knob?

Most people who are talented at writing, art, music, whatever have to get a paid JOB! Only a few in their preferred field.

I write for a living, but would not be likely to be paid a monthly salary with a pension - which is necessary for the family - for what I’d actually LIKE to write! My DM was a health professional not a painter.

DH has a friend who set up a tech company, sold it and made shitloads of money, a millionnaire now, and spent the next three years doing nothing but learning the piano, and school runs. His friends respect the school run part but are about the piano! I don’t envy his wife.

This guy is not worth risking not getting at least 50% time with the DC / paying maintenance for.

Dozer · 05/02/2018 20:00

The advice would not be at all different for a situation with physical health problems, if the person with the poor health hadn’t sought help, was acting in ways detrimental to their family.

redannie118 · 05/02/2018 20:13

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

LemonShark · 05/02/2018 20:24

While I agree with the rest of your post redannie, I don't think this:

"Then you state he CANNOT refuse meds for no other reason than it effects his creativity-as someone up thread said thats not a luxury you can afford."

Is helpful or realistic. Whether OP goes with him to GP or not (and she can only do so with his consent), if he doesn't want meds OP can't force him, his GP can't force him. And quite rightly. Nobody should be forced into medication unless it's their own decision (barring extreme cases such as psychosis where the person has no idea they're very poorly).

She can say her piece but she has zero ability to make her partner take medication and as he's so far refusing I can't see that changing.

bastardkitty · 05/02/2018 20:27

I have to say as well, that there are more valid concerns about mood stabilising drugs used to treat bipolar than about a first line medication for treating anxiety. But OP's H has no idea about that because he hasn't tried them.

colouringinagain · 05/02/2018 20:30

OP my OH has suffered with poor mental health for many years. It has been really hard for the family. But because he is a partner and dad he's sought treatment and prioritised it (except when completely manic but that's different).

My mental health has suffered as a result if the eggshells and stress.

I think if your OH is prioritising his "creativity" over you and his kids then he should live separately. As others have said, it's not a good environment / role model for your kids too.

Time to be firm and fair. It's not fair at the moments. Best wishes.

Butterymuffin · 05/02/2018 21:16

It isn't good that he puts maintaining his creativity above contributing (not necessarily financially) to family life.

Does he seem to be improving with the CBT in any other ways beyond explaining his condition more fully? Also, how long has he actually been like this? You said he'd been worse since you had the children. How long has this 'worse' phase lasted?

ittakes2 · 06/02/2018 06:34

Gosh - I am really sorry. It sounds like you need professional advice. Do you think maybe it might help if you call your GP and ask them what you might be able to do to get professional advice for being the partner of someone with depression?
One thing I did want to say though - is unfortunately - I am concerned you might be right about your children and his anxieties. My mum had severe anxieties and I thought I was different from her....but having children triggered my anxieties and unfortunately I passed these onto my children.
The therapist explained that my mum did not have healthy 'coping skills' for managing her anxieties so she was not able to teach these to me....and since I had not learnt any, I was not able to teach them to my children. I solved this though by getting a therapist to teach these skills to all of us.
You sound lovely though, completely amazing, so I have no doubt your children will learn some great coping skills from you. I just think its important to talk to your children about their Dad and what they can do about their own anxieties. One thing I think children sometimes do - is if they can see there is a crisis in the family, they tend to contain their own feelings and try and be good to not put extra pressure on their families - but this stress has to come out at some point.
I have had CBT and I found it life-changlingly helpful, so I hope your husband does too.

sandgrown · 06/02/2018 07:10

Ittakes 2 I can tell you from experience there is little support out there for the partners of people suffering with anxiety and depression. My DP puts on a good show when he sees his family and adult children. They can't see we are walking on eggshells every day!

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