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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ways to live with DH's anxiety

88 replies

slothsandunicorns · 04/02/2018 00:20

Just wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation and if there are any steps I can take help me and my family.

DH has always been quite 'hard work' - more so since DCs have been around (13 and 9). He has anxiety which seems to have become more prevalent in recent years.

He has made more of an effort recently to explain how his anxiety is affecting him and how it feels which is great because it helps me to understand him more. He is currently having a course of CBT and is about 3 sessions in to 10 weeks of it. He doesn't work as he says he is too anxious to do so but is doing an MA (which is also a source of stress to him).

I am trying really hard to see things from his perspective but I am worried about the effect his anxiety is having on our family. We have already taken a financial hit due to him not working (I work f/t and we are ok day to day but there is little left over for emergencies or luxuries and we cannot save anything) - I have posted about this before. However I am getting more worried about his erratic moods - he often disappears upstairs with a 'headache' and the DCs have started to pick up on this. DH can get 'set off' by the smallest of comments (from me or DCs) which have lasting repercussions for the rest of the day. We are often treading on eggshells and sometimes it feels I am in an abusive relationship. I know DH isn't doing it intentionally but the effects are still the same - constantly watching what I doing/saying and trying to second guess how DH will react to things. Constantly feeling I am not doing enough to support him and that when things go wrong it is all my fault. DH often gets moody but if I or the DCs make a negative comment about anything we get questioned - a lot. It is very wearing.

Has anyone else learnt to manage this sort of situation? I want to help as DH is ill but nothing I do seems to be good enough.

OP posts:
GottadoitGottadoit · 04/02/2018 11:24

You’re allowed to leave someone when they are ill.

Pleasebeafleabite · 04/02/2018 11:28

I have with a family member with anxiety OP and actually that person was better ft working in a not too demanding role rather than studying as that was a bigger source of stress

I would not expose my children to this life for any sort of length of time

In your position what I would do is

Give him a few more weeks at his CBT so the GP can see he's given it a go

Go with him to GP and discuss the fact that he is not able to work and why no medication

If you can't get help with this or if he refuses to take medication you need to make plans to leave

JaneEyre70 · 04/02/2018 11:32

You and you alone can protect your children from this. Don't be passive and just accept this is your life. It doesn't have to be, and no one in their right mind is going to criticise you for putting your kids first and leaving, even if it is temporary.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 04/02/2018 11:37

This is having a huge impact on your life. The fact he isn't having medication (which would definitely help) makes me wonder how much the doctor thought it was a serious condition.

He doesn't 'care for' your children because they are at school all the time. You would be able to send your 9 year old to a childminder's where they could have fun with other kids instead of having to cope with their dad's moods. Your 13 year old is old enough to be in the house on their own.

It's all about him. Everything in the household is run around him. That's not fair and it's very damaging to you and your children. You need to separate.

GlitterGlue · 04/02/2018 11:46

Tiptoeing around someone else's moods is exhausting for an adult. It's damaging for a child. What they want/feel doesn't matter, it's all about daddy and his needs.

Find a childminder/after school care. He needs to shape up or ship out.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 13:06

I think maybe the other thing to think abOut is your mindset. Look at your op. The title is how to live with it. Your question is how to manage it. Your posts indicate you enable it, you pay for him, you agree with him, and you don't want to rock the boat further. Yet you accept it makes you question your own reality. And you are a mature adult.

How can kids deal with that, because they also will be questioning their reality. Their impact will be a million times worse than yours, and it will be lasting, because they have no perspective and maturity to fall back on. This is their formative years. He is an authority figure in their lives. His opinion, thoughts and feelings are what will impact them before they gain the maturity to understand he is ill, or he was simply selfish and abusive. They will also mature to realise you didn't just put up with it, you enabled it, you paid for his existence with you, and you allowed him to care for them alone fully knowing the situation. It could significantly impact any future relationship you have with them as adults.

The thing about kids is they remember. They grow up and look back. And they do hold you accountable, no matter what the rationale was.

Maybe the threat of leaving will snap him out of it or make him get proper help. But you do need to think of the wider repercussions here and not just thr day to day.💐

Cambionome · 04/02/2018 13:12

Good post Bluntness.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2018 13:13

Agreed

AramintaDePea · 04/02/2018 13:29

CBT didn't work for me.

Medication did, honestly saved my life. Send him to the GP pronto Thanks

Huskylover1 · 04/02/2018 13:30

This reply has been deleted

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Caselgarcia · 04/02/2018 13:49

He is clearly quite self absorbed about his MH and doesn't have empathy for you or the children regarding how YOU feel. I would deal with it by saying 'it seems the ups and downs of family life arent helping you get better, I wonder if some time apart would be beneficial'. Make it clear that things can't go on as they are, but don't dismiss his MH issues. The issue is HE isn't coping so he needs to change the situation. Creeping around on eggshells isn't helping anyone.

user1494670108 · 04/02/2018 13:59

I agree with the last post and the many others pointing out how difficult this must be for your children. Our children grow up according to the example we set them, everything we do, no matter how bonkers, is their "normal".
Your children are getting no example of resilience from their father and I have to wonder who's looking after who if he is that sensitive.
Could you access family counseling if you can't make the break and leave?
I also agree that he'sd be better off doing some work off some description, I'm a happy stay at home parent but it's not always good for my mental health which is generally robust.

Sumo1 · 04/02/2018 14:08

Why isn't he on medication. There are support threads on here for people taking ADs, Sertraline buddies is one. I take that due to anxiety.

Original poster
slothsandunicorns · 04/02/2018 23:29

Ok there seems to be a consensus.

I asked today about medication and he said he doesn't want to take it in case it affects his writing/ creativity. Hmm

I am going to have to have a long think. Half term next week so will make some big decisions then.

Thanks everyone for your input. It has confirmed what I've been thinking for a while.

OP posts:
saladdays66 · 05/02/2018 07:55

I asked today about medication and he said he doesn't want to take it in case it affects his writing/ creativity.

Oh dear. He really is self centred.

Sumo1 · 05/02/2018 08:11

I've looked up the number of people on ADs in England.
Prescriptions for 64.7m items of antidepressants – an all-time high – were dispensed in England in 2016

Although they take a bit of time (weeks) to get used to and to get past the side effects there is no way that that all of the people prescribed them are unable to work/create due to them.

messofajess · 05/02/2018 08:19

I have been through this with DH. It is so so tough and frustrating.
DH refused to go to the doctor for medication for a long time until I stopped giving him any sympathy at all. If complained at how he was feeling I would look at him with a dead pan expression and say: you need to see a doctor, you are sick.

It took me 4 months of saying that at least twice a day. He has now been on bupropion and beta blockers for a month and he is a new man! The change in him is genuine and he has started to see what a hard time he was giving me.

GetUpAndGoGone · 05/02/2018 08:22

I am stunned by the responses on this thread. What happened to the moves forward in understanding of mental health that have taken place in the last decade? Some responses here are completely lacking in empathy and quite nasty. I agree he needs help, but ... wow.

Valerrie · 05/02/2018 08:32

@Getupandgogone

I'm utterly floored by the responses too. Particularly this one:

He needs to manage his condition and get a job

JFC. Because it's that easy.

I have severe PTSD and anxiety disorder. At the moment, I can barely leave my bedroom, let alone the house. I'm a teacher and there is absolutely no way I could work right now, in any job, as I can't go anywhere.

I can't "manage my condition" as I can't take medication for reasons related to the PTSD, I've had CBT which didn't work and there's an 18 month waiting list for any help whatsoever from the NHS.

Yes, it's very hard on my DH and children. Yes, it's frustrating for those who care about me. However, I cannot help it. I'm mentally ill. I do not choose to be like this. If the OP's DH had heart disease or had a stroke, or something worse, I wonder if posters would be advising her to leave him?

I'm guessing most of the people who have responded don't understand or have no experience of mental illness at all, or they wouldn't have said the things they have.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/02/2018 08:33

Get up..people need to take responsibility for their own health. It usually is for the good of the person to leave them take responsibity. Thats what the medical field is for. My dh hated taking medication. Which is fine. But he cannot live with me ir the dc while he refuses.. Thats not cruel or misunderstanding. Thats reality. And as others have said he is a new man. But it took me taking a tough line to get him there.
Its like alcoholism. If you drink you are out. Family can't live with it. Tough but real. This sounds blunt but it saves the person..tough love!

Valerrie · 05/02/2018 08:37

Your posts indicate you enable it

Fucking hell. I didn't realise you could enable mental illness. Can you enable cancer too?

For Fucks Sake, he sounds like a right wimp. He's not fleeing from Syria. He's not fighting on the front line, in some war. I'm presuming half of his family hasn't been wiped out in some freak accident?

So someone can only be mentally ill under these conditions? What the hell?

If this is what he is like when all is well, then what's he going to be like when real life problems come up

All isn't well. He had a mental illness.

He sounds like a total waste of space. Get rid of him and find a real man

Because real men don't get mentally ill?

I have never read something so disgusting.

itsbetterthanabox · 05/02/2018 08:42

What do his anxiety's centre on? What is he worried about?
What is his his diagnoses?

GetUpAndGoGone · 05/02/2018 08:42

junebirthdaygirl and valerrie - it's hideous isn't it.

Not to mention the fact that one of the children may themselves eventually suffer from mild anxiety, so knowing that 'one shot and you're out' is how marriage works will be just great for them. Angry

GetUpAndGoGone · 05/02/2018 08:43

Are people really this STUPID? Really this ignorant and uneducated in 2018?

Valerrie · 05/02/2018 08:52

Absolutely vile. But it's OK, because it's mental illness. Hmm

In my experience, yes people really are thus stupid. This thread just proves it.

I've reported the post by Husky. It's disgustingly ableist and I've never read anything so foul in all my years of reading Mumsnet, which is really saying something.