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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ways to live with DH's anxiety

88 replies

slothsandunicorns · 04/02/2018 00:20

Just wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation and if there are any steps I can take help me and my family.

DH has always been quite 'hard work' - more so since DCs have been around (13 and 9). He has anxiety which seems to have become more prevalent in recent years.

He has made more of an effort recently to explain how his anxiety is affecting him and how it feels which is great because it helps me to understand him more. He is currently having a course of CBT and is about 3 sessions in to 10 weeks of it. He doesn't work as he says he is too anxious to do so but is doing an MA (which is also a source of stress to him).

I am trying really hard to see things from his perspective but I am worried about the effect his anxiety is having on our family. We have already taken a financial hit due to him not working (I work f/t and we are ok day to day but there is little left over for emergencies or luxuries and we cannot save anything) - I have posted about this before. However I am getting more worried about his erratic moods - he often disappears upstairs with a 'headache' and the DCs have started to pick up on this. DH can get 'set off' by the smallest of comments (from me or DCs) which have lasting repercussions for the rest of the day. We are often treading on eggshells and sometimes it feels I am in an abusive relationship. I know DH isn't doing it intentionally but the effects are still the same - constantly watching what I doing/saying and trying to second guess how DH will react to things. Constantly feeling I am not doing enough to support him and that when things go wrong it is all my fault. DH often gets moody but if I or the DCs make a negative comment about anything we get questioned - a lot. It is very wearing.

Has anyone else learnt to manage this sort of situation? I want to help as DH is ill but nothing I do seems to be good enough.

OP posts:
CapnHaddock · 05/02/2018 09:01

Valerrie - I'm assuming you have diagnosed ptsd and anxiety. The OPs husband doesn't.

Valerrie · 05/02/2018 09:06

It takes a while to get a "proper" diagnosis. Years, in fact.

He has seen a GP who has referred him for CBT for his mental illness and he is currently on the course. This, in my experience is usually the first stage before someone is referred to other services.

Same as, y'know, being sent for tests before being diagnosed with a physical illness.

Clueless01 · 05/02/2018 09:12

I wasn’t going to reply to this but then saw the husky post which - if not a wind up - is vile. I’m a DH, married nearly 20 years, two DCs. Have suffered 2/3 bouts of depression/anxiety since my teens. Twice it has taken considerable period to recover. Last time was triggered by financial worries. There’s a lot of ignorant bullshit about MH but also more understanding of it these days. It’s more common than people think, but still somewhat stigmatised. Not excusing DH behaviour in any way - I have been grumpy, unreasonable, self absorbed and basically a git - when I’ve suffered it. And owe DW huge amounts for her patience and love. But you have to want to tackle it to get better. You feel like you want to retreat completely when in the lows - might account for “headache” - and you (DH) needs to challenge that behaviour himself. So if he feels it, he should do the opposite. Force himself not to retreat. The CBT should over time help him with that and other behaviour. It won’t stop the feelings necessarily, but challenging his behaviour could, over time, diminish the negative thoughts. He should if he can also take medication and get exercise. Those two were most as important for me. Was already active, but have stepped that up a lot and then sustained meds. And have steadily improved. How much you as a DP can take is only your decision. It is one of the hardest things for a DP as depression/anxiety is so self-centred. Very sorry for you. But it is beatable. Best wishes.

Huskylover1 · 05/02/2018 09:12

Ah yes Valerrie .....so the Op only deserves the opinions of people who are mentally unwell? Not a balanced response from many people?

Grow up.

Her husband is dragging her and her children down. She doesn't have to live like that, whether he is mentally unwell or not. He is miserable, moody, doesn't contribute to the family, either financially or emotionally. She's allowed to walk away. She's allowed to find a man who doesn't have these problems. Or do you think she should live for the next 40 years like this, just because he's mentally unwell? Ridiculous. What a shit life.

Appuskidu · 05/02/2018 09:19

I don’t know how you put up with it. How long has he not worked for?

I don’t think I could work full time to support someone who cant even be arsed to go to the doctors and get a diagnosis/medication.

GetUpAndGoGone · 05/02/2018 09:20

That's true Husky, no-one has to put up with anything.

Hopefully your partner, if you have one, won't wake up one day and find that life with someone so lacking in insight and empathy is too much of a challenge.

Valerrie · 05/02/2018 09:20

Husky, you don't really deserve a response because you are clearly a disgusting person and have been reported.

However, nowhere have I said the OP shouldn't receive opinions from people who aren't mentally ill themselves. You've just made that up.

No, she doesn't have to live like that. However, if he is genuinely mentally ill, he's not doing what he does intentionally. I'm sure living with a partner with cancer "drag them down" but I doubt the suggestions would be to leave them. Yes, it's a shit life, but her husband needs support. He's ill.

As for growing up, I really don't think it's me that needs to think about my level of maturity.

Boatsonthewater · 05/02/2018 09:23

CBT doesn't help everyone. It's a bit of a quick fix and in some cases makes people worse. I really recommend Solution Focused Hypnotherapy which is incredibly effective with anxiety and depression. It may be a struggle to find the money, but if it really helps him turn the corner, it's worth it.

Valerrie · 05/02/2018 09:25

I don’t think I could work full time to support someone who cant even be arsed to go to the doctors and get a diagnosis/medication

He has been to the GP. The GP has referred him for CBT, which he is doing.

How do you know he "can't be arsed" going? It sounds like he has gone to me. Also, not everyone gets pills thrown at them immediately as soon as they have a GP appointment. Most decent GPs will go through other methods of help first, like the CBT that was mentioned in the OP. Some medications worsen mental illnesses.

My husband works full time to support me because I'm unable to work at the moment. I refuse to take medication. Thankfully, he hasn't been given shit advice to leave me. Not that he would listen to it.

Berthatydfil · 05/02/2018 09:29

Have you posted about him before?
That poster had a partner doing a masters in creative writing and had checked out of family life.
Yes he might be ill but he hasn’t got a diagnosis and is refusing medication because it might stifle his creativity (wtf if he was any good he would have published something by now)

He’s clearly prioritising his desire to fulfill his artistic destiny over the well being of his family.

Huskylover1 · 05/02/2018 09:32

Hopefully your partner, if you have one, won't wake up one day and find that life with someone so lacking in insight and empathy is too much of a challenge

If my DH "woke up one day" and started behaving like the Op's husband, then no, he wouldn't be my Partner for very long. Because life is too short. I put up with a lot in my first marriage, and I wouldn't do it again. Sorry if you think that's so awful, but there you go.

And what's with all the reporting of posts? You cannot bear to see words on a screen which don't align with your own view point? People are allowed different opinions. That's life.

And fwiw, anyone can leave a Partner for any reason. It could be due to a physical illness, rather than a mental one. I can think of 2 famous people who were left by their spouses, after life changing illnesses. One being that very famous scientist.....

Huskylover1 · 05/02/2018 09:46

Hopefully your partner, if you have one, won't wake up one day and find that life with someone so lacking in insight and empathy is too much of a challenge

Ha. I see that I read that comment incorrectly the first time. It's a dig at me. Meh. Perhaps I am lacking in insight and empathy. Fair enough. But I'm allowed to (finally) put me first. And that means, that I wouldn't stay with a man who is behaving like the Op's husband. I think she said he's been like this for 7 years now. She must have the patience of a saint. Probably does make her a better person than me. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't find any guy who behaves like this, even slightly attractive.

Runningoutofusernames · 05/02/2018 10:44

Valerrie - yes, it is an illness, but the difference is that someone with heart disease does not create an emotional vortex that sucks in the whole family, the the way that mental health issues can.

I've stood by DH's side through severe depression and anxiety, and I regret it.
He is a loving father and a wonderful man (though he's less able to act this way when ill, as like OPs husband he is becomes totally absorbed by his own inner world) - but realistically it would be better for him to have the space and less pressure day to day, and far better for the kids and for me to be able to live more freely, without walking on eggshells and teaching them such an unhealthy family dynamic.

To use a more extreme example - my uncle is schizophrenic and spends a lot of time floridly manic and often psychotic. Should my aunt have stayed with the kids just because she would have for diabetes?

Op you have my full sympathy - could you go with him to the doctor? Or to Relate? Last time my DH was depressed and refusing medication, after a certain point I could no longer cope and told him thar unless he wanted us both to end up sectioned he needed to choose treatment or to move out until able to be part of family life (I have the same concern as you about DH as main carer and custody). It helped..

LemonShark · 05/02/2018 11:45

Urgh. OP I'd be giving him an ultimatum. If by the end of his course of cbt you haven't seen certain changes (looking for a job, concrete stuff) you'll need to separate so you can take responsibility for your and your child's life. His mental health issues do not mean you need to stay with him. And I say this as someone with episodic severe depression. If I were to continue to be severely depressed without any improvement and refusing to do anything under the sun to improve it, I'd fully expect my partner to leave and want him to do so.

He's part of a family and that requires engaging. The only reason he's able to be the way he is is because currently he can do it and nothing falls apart for him. Child still taken care of, money still coming in, bills still being paid. I reckon he will only change when the costs of not doing so our weight the effort it takes to change.

Yes it's harsh but all of the loving endless support hasn't worked has it? He needs to either put all of his effort into recovery or management or you can separate and move on. I'm sure from how loving and caring you sound in your post you'd have been happy with at least some sign that things are getting better, not perfection. But the fact you're so sick of it and it's been going on for so long tells me you're not seeing any movement in the direction you need for him to be your husband and partner.

It doesn't help recovery for mental health issues to completely ignore your responsibilities for a sustained period of time. You're enabling him currently. I know it's out of love but it's not helping anyone. To PP saying they don't believe in enabling, look it up! It's a thing. If I was allowed during my worst periods by my partner to take to my bed, do no housework, bring in no money etc. It would have a negative effect on me. I'd start to feel even worse because I was letting others down, have no sense of achievement, be worrying about the relationship, and be sinking further into the sick role. It's actually good for anxiety AND depression to try keep things fairly normal as far as possible: with depression it gives less time to ruminate and offers more chance for positive reinforcement, and with anxiety avoidance merely sustains and maintains it. I'm aware I'm talking in broad terms and each individual situation does differ.

OP you're not a bad person. If he had broken all of his limbs and didn't work and refused to have a cast or a pot or attend physio and do the exercises and this went on for ages, you'd be within your rights to move on. At the end of the day you can leave any relationship that's not working for you and the fact he has a mh issue doesn't change that. It sounds like you've tried and done enough. At some point you need to think of yourself and your child.

It's also difficult to know what's his mental condition and what is simply him being him, before he developed this was he a good partner and father? Did he pull his weight? Contribute to the household? Work?

It might be worth bringing this all up now so he can talk to his therapist about it and they both know what's at stake here and what needs to happen, and what they should be focusing on in treatment. I think that's fairer than waiting until the end then springing it on him it's over. But whatever, you have to make your own decisions. He may be mentally unwell but you don't have to allow him to drag you down too. Being depressed or anxious doesn't magically exempt you from needing to take an active part in your own life or contribute to the household. He sounds very self absorbed.

LemonShark · 05/02/2018 11:47

PS: he's unwilling to take medication in case it affects his creativity. But he's willing for it to affect his ability to work and be a good partner and father. That tells you a lot about his priorities.

CarefullyDrawnMap · 05/02/2018 11:56

OP, I work in a creative field and am published. Take it from me, when I'm mentally unwell and have anxiety and depression, that is what stops me being creative. It is impossible to work creatively like that, in my experience. Impossible. That's a red herring.

Running illnesses like heart disease and cancer can cause the patient to behave very badly and in a way that is very, very hard for the family to cope with, whether just fear, or triggering mental illness. However, I think it's true there would be far more stigma leaving someone in those circs.

Husky honestly, that 'real man' comment is really unacceptable.

LemonShark · 05/02/2018 12:04

And yet for some others, being depressed gives rise to some of the most amazing creative work. Everyone is different.

CarefullyDrawnMap · 05/02/2018 12:08

I think various mental conditions can sometimes be linked with coming up with fantastic creativity/free thinking/original ideas and so on. Working, actually working, creatively, involves a lot of discipline and work and is hard to do. For that, you cannot do it whilst ill. You can lie on a sofa and think up all kinds of crazy ideas for pictures or films or novels or poems. To make those things actually happen takes a lot more than that. YMMV.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/02/2018 12:12

I know many many writers, and I also know that quite a lot of them are on ADs of some description or another. They manage to work because that is how they are paying the bills, it's very easy to spend time noodling around allegedly 'writing' (I know, it's what I'm doing right now), but when your creativity is preventing the house from being repossessed, it's amazing what you can come up with.

It's mostly wannabe writers who say they can't take anything because they are worried about their 'creativity'. It's a job, like any other.

Huskylover1 · 05/02/2018 12:13

He can be "creative" if you win the lottery. In the meantime he needs to get a J-O-B.

CapnHaddock · 05/02/2018 14:34

TBH I wouldn't have a whole heap of sympathy with anyone who had an illness and refused to get treatment for it. The fact that it's a mental health issue is only part of the issue. If he had diabetes which he refused to take medication for, I'd be equally unimpressed.

He has a wife and children and he has a responsibility to them. He has no diagnosis and refused to take medication, or get a job, even though he has not been signed off by anyone anywhere as being unfit to work.

Olddear · 05/02/2018 17:21

This

CedhR · 05/02/2018 18:09

I suffer from really bad anxiety and only medication has helped. He needs to change his GP.

Kids and anxiety don’t tend to mix well either.

It’s not a nice illness to be honest. I hate it.

CBT helped a bit but it’s not the be all and end all.

bastardkitty · 05/02/2018 18:20

He can be "creative" if you win the lottery. In the meantime he needs to get a J-O-B.

This. I cannot see at all how he is the main carer for your DCs. He sounds selfish and useless. Let him go live on his own. You will never get a penny out of him but you are currently bankrolling him so that, at least, will stop. He has discounted medication. Really? There is no chance he will get a formal diagnosis and benefits. Does he also have selective anxiety?

I feel sorry for all the people reading this thread who actually suffer from anxiety and battle with it daily. Therapy is hard work. Living with anxiety is hard work. Many people nevertheless combine this with being an actual parent.

bastardkitty · 05/02/2018 18:21

How will changing his GP help? He had been offered medication but he won't try it because of..um...his creativity.

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