When to have this rather awkward conversation

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’ve met someone new who I really like, it’s still early days but we’ve been upfront with one another about what we want in life etc as we’re both slightly older. I’m 42 and he is 38.

I already have a little girl who Is 3 and he wants a child of his own. I know we are cutting it fine because of my age, but I would have another child as it would be lovely for my daughter to have a sibling. But it would mean fast forwarding the relationship which obviously is a scary thought. He is aware of my age and the implications. He has asked me outright if I would have another child and I said probably yes. But I still think we need to talk about it properly.

We’ve only been seeing each other a few months and it feels early to be discussing this all. But I just feel at our age it’s pointless wasting one another’s time.

I’m slightly unsure what to do. So far it feels right with him, our core values etc are very similar. But the whole child thing is quite a big pressure on me.

I met my dh when I was 41 and him 31!! I already had dc and thought I was done tbh!! Then I told him I felt it important to have a dc together!! He wanted to get his head around the idea as had never imagined having any! (low self esteem by shit dps and felt he would be a crap df) Fast forward a year and we did ttc!! I had ds at 43 and we married when he was 9 months!! Been together over 5 years. In no way does he treat the dc differently.

Did you find it scary ttc so quickly?

No as I realised time wasn't on my side - still remember his face after the first time without a condom![shock)!
I conceived on the third cycle!!
We have tried again with a mmc and 3 chemicals so I was right not to hang about!

One of my good friends started dating her bloke in the sept (they'd known each other as friends before), married in the jan, got pregnant in the Feb.

Still happily married 13 years later. She always shed kissed a lot of frogs, so knew when it was the real deal.

If he's asked you outright would you have another child, it seems to me, to be his deal breaker. He obviously wants a child.
But are you ready to rush into this relationship and try for a baby with him?
If not, you will probably have to let him go, as biologically, time is not on your side.

Only you and he can decide what you want to do.

Oh and also when did you have your chat about trying having a baby together?

How do you feel about bringing up 2 dc on your own? too early to know if this is a good relationship - would you be OK alone?

What would he do if you're unable to conceive? How important is it to him - would he leave if you can't?

Oh my god alletik that's intense! No I couldn't do that!

I honestly don't know how I feel at the moment. I need to get to know him a bit better I guess. But I would be prepared to start trying sooner rather than later if it feels right.

I hear you and appreciate the issue however, after a few months you have little idea of what he is really like as a person let alone a potential father and step father. I understand the age thing but I wouldn't want to fall pregnant/have a child quickly in that scenario.

What about you daughter? If it's only been a few months I'm assuming he hasn't met her yet?

I just think it's too important to rush but many may disagree.

Category I'm not particularly happy about brining up two children alone no. And it's something I've thought about. I'm very happy with my one dc! The break up with my ex who disappeared after I fell pregnant wasn't pleasant and is a concern for me. But this new guy is totally different to my ex.

Nope my daughter hasn't met him. We talk about her a lot and he wants to know about her. But I'm not rushing anything with her.

I'd sort of divide it up mentally into -

1. do I want another child - how much and would I be OK as a sole parent if he turns out to be an asshole (how much of an asshole? Being eager to fastforward a relationship can be a red flag.), can I cope financially, can I manage the childcare.

1. the relationship.

I really don't think you can know this guy well enough yet to know he's not like your ex or not a future-faker or just incompatible with you in some way. So I'd only consider ttc and turning my dd's life upside down if I was sure I'd be happy as a sole parent of two.

I guess it depends how you feel in the relationship. I had a shockingly quick engagement. We met in the August, started dating beginning of November and he proposed January 1st!!! It still seems bizarre to me when I think about it, we were married just 10 months after getting engaged, and we have been together over 11 years now (married for 10). We both felt it was right and just went for it.

Good luck OP

Ok so when I met my DD's father I was in a rush to have a child and ignored all the red flags. But I've learnt my lesson and things are very different now. I have a happy, stable life and don't want to upset my DD. Yes it would be great to have another child, but its not hugely important to me as it is to him.

@cherryblossom200

No. Don't do it. You haven't known each other 5 minutes.

If he legs it, you will be stuck with the child HE wanted. (Sorry to be rude, but it sounds like he wants a baby more than you.) Do you think he will raise the child alone if you split? Will he bollocks!

And hell would freeze over before I would have a baby in my 40's. I had 2 in my 20's. Been there done that, enjoyed it most of the time, and love my girls, and if I could go back in time 25 years I would still have them. But no fucking WAY would I do it again. It's hard work, and a commitment for TWENTY YEARS. And I would not be starting again in my middle age!

It's a NO from me.

He lives in Switzerland so we're also having a long distance relationship. He is coming to stay with me for a long weekend in a couple of weekends. If all goes well then I think I'll broach the subject with him then.

I agree, you need to think about this carefully.

Could you parent as a single parent
Could you parent as a single parent a disabled child?
What would happen if you can't conceive.

If it's not hugely important to you why do you wish to rush it? Why do you wish to initiate the conversation? He knows how old you are and he's not. So why are you pushing it?

Crikey, so you're not even spending actual time together.

Nope.

Petbear your message did make me laugh!!😆 But very true!

Long distance?! No, just no

What’s the plan, for you to move there or for him to move here?

He was over here for about 3 months which is when we met initially and been in touch ever since he left. We've not seen each other for a month, but the plan is for us to see each other at the start once a month for a long weekend etc and then quickly build it up. I realise it's not ideal but we get on incredibly well, he is the type of person I've been looking for all my life. The only issue I have is the child thing not the distance because one of us (him) would move to the other persons country.

My friend was pregnant 6 weeks after meeting her man..plannned child.8 yrs later they are still together..they said they just knew they were right for each other

Oh do you fancy a move to Switzerland

Think VERY VERY carefully before having a child with someone from another country you barely know.

If hes really adamant about wanting kids either way would being a step parent be enough? because at your age it might just not happen. Will he be OK with that? thats the questions you need to be asking.

Not if you should but what if you can't?