When to have this rather awkward conversation

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’ve met someone new who I really like, it’s still early days but we’ve been upfront with one another about what we want in life etc as we’re both slightly older. I’m 42 and he is 38.

I already have a little girl who Is 3 and he wants a child of his own. I know we are cutting it fine because of my age, but I would have another child as it would be lovely for my daughter to have a sibling. But it would mean fast forwarding the relationship which obviously is a scary thought. He is aware of my age and the implications. He has asked me outright if I would have another child and I said probably yes. But I still think we need to talk about it properly.

We’ve only been seeing each other a few months and it feels early to be discussing this all. But I just feel at our age it’s pointless wasting one another’s time.

I’m slightly unsure what to do. So far it feels right with him, our core values etc are very similar. But the whole child thing is quite a big pressure on me.

It seems strange to me that you would consider moving in 3 years by which time your did would have started school so would be uprooted. The implication of this thread is that you would consider ttc before that and it seems odd that the creation of a person appears to be an easier decision than moving.

Cherryblossom200
Silvery this is something I'm very aware of. I would want the child to be born here, and move to Switzerland later on possibly. This is all hypothetically of course!

I think I'm right in saying that your child having been born in the UK will not change the fact that once you live in Switzerland you will still require your DP's permission should you ever wish to return to live in the UK with the child. I read of a couple who emigrated to Australia, the wife was unhappy and wanted to return to the UK, her DP wanted to stay, refused to give his permission for his children to relocate and the wife is now stuck in Australia, not wishing to return without them. It's really worth checking out the legalities.

As Offred mentioned, less than a month ago you posted about
commitment issues and that you had broken up with your DP twice. I'm not sure it's wise to rush into having a baby with him, especially if it will be difficult for you to be a lone parent with two children if the relationship doesn't last.

I think this is the very reason men his age look for a younger woman..
as it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship if you have the clock ticking.

You need to get to know him well and establish the relationship.

Bringing a new life into the world is very serious.

Hi Cherryblossom,
I met my now husband 3 years ago and from the moment I met him I knew he was the one for me. Within a few weeks he implied he would live a child with me (I was 39 he was 40) and to be perfectly honest I did not see it as a risk at all. I felt safe and confident. I already have three older children from a previous marriage aged 20, 16 & 15. I’ve always worked and supported them myself. My family live abroad and their father has chosen not to participate for the last 12 years.
I went for it because I knew if I didn’t I’d regret it. I knew I’d cope alone if I had to but to be honest it’s been he most loveliest experience of my life. To be with someone who appreviated our son and all the delights aswell as trials and tribulations is so heartwarming. We are very close to having our second child in 4 weeks. I loved being a single parent for all those years and wS genuinely really happy. I didn’t date I just wanted to put my kids first and give them stability. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I took this gorgeous man as an excellent chance at something new and I’m so glad I did. We got married just recently too.
I forgot to mention at the start of our relationship we would only meet for coffee, nothing else. It was so lovely and special. What I’m saying is we didn’t get to the full on stage until a little later to be fair to my kids.
Life can be short. My ex husband is hideous but I don’t regret having my older three. It’s been a privilidge.
If someone took the choice away from you, how would you feel? I’d love to know what you’d decide.

I know some mentioned the possibility of raising two children alone...the other possibility if you have a child with this man you hardly know is that he turns out to be manipulative/controlling and uses the baby as a constant means of harrassing you if you break up. This is how the father of my children behaves and I would love it if he had just walked away and left us alone when the relationship ended. He certainly was never bothered about the kids while we were married.

Anyway, I would not be rushing into having a baby if I was in your position.

It's too early for future promised,this period should be getting to know each other.

To be blunt he hasn't even now your DD!! Which is sensible until you know he is significant

Bursting with life you sound exactly like me! I absolutely love being a single parent, despite things not working out with my DD's dad I have a lovely life with her. I'm fortunate that financially I can cope and own my how property etc. We are a very independent duo and off on a beach holiday together this year 😁

I think I would be fine as a single parent on my own again. But like you say it would have to be right and I need to feel safe. I'm not going to rush into this, my DD so far has been raised in a very happy, stable environment I have no intention of messing that up.

I am also having councilling sessions soon just to help me with easing myself back into a relationship. I want to meet someone and don't want my past to hold me back.

He is coming to stay with me in the next week and a half. That will be a big thing for me! Watch this space.

And I completely agree with those who say sometimes in life you do have to take risks (within reason) ! If it feels right then why not 😀

Just to add caution to the wind you could always agree a prenuptial ref the children in the event of......
Most courts wouldn’t separate two children, remember one of your children is UK passport holder and the chances are the second child would be too.,register second dc in England and (im unsure how it all works) but maybe stay encourage dp to first stay with you in UK until family unit established before popping to Switzerland. That way most bases covered. Switzerland could be fantastic opportunity for you and your dc. A big move doesn’t always mean a bad move. There will be lots of people who have made this sort of move and it hasn’t worked out but there are also plenty for whom it has worked out really well for. Have a great open discussion. Don’t hold back and listen with both ears. You will find your answer xx

My last relationship was not good, it ended horrificly the first few months were giid, id nevwr felt like that before.
He was a great father and we seemed to want the same things hold the same values. After about 5 months things cropped up but I didn't really notice them too much as we only spent weekends togetr(his dc lived with him for half the week)
Coming upto a year together a series of events happened and it seemed to make sense to move in together.
Omg biggest mistake of my life. He wasn't a good father he was irresponsible.
He wasn't the man I thought he was he was abusive, an alcoholic and aggressive.
I'm in no way suggesting this is like your do, my story is the extreme. What I'm saying is at this early stage, before you have even lived together you don't really know much about him. I get that long term relationships can breakdown just as easily as new ones but the risks are greater and your priority needs to be the children you already have.
Yes plenty of women being children up alone, but why would you potentially take the risk of bringing a child into that kind of situation unnecessarily.
If wanting more children has never been something you 100% wanted, I would say that maybe this relationship isn't worth the possible upheaval to yours and your children's life.
If you had more time to decide and get to know each other I would say fine but you don't.

Thanks for all your help advice, but I think il going to go with my own instincts here 😊 the guy in question quite honestly seems wonderful. But I do still want to get to know him and will see how it goes. And if it does go right we will consider having a child together. And like someone said I’ll probably have he child in this country and then consider the move later on.

But right now, I’m just going to concentrate on having fun and enjoying the relationship. Which could be all over after he comes to stay in which case I’m worrying about nothing!

Shall I report back after our weekend together? 😉

And also, I don’t think there are any guarantees if you are together for a long time either. I was in a 15 year relationship and it still didn’t work out!

"I'm very happy with my one dc! The break up with my ex who disappeared after I fell pregnant wasn't pleasant and is a concern for me. But this new guy is totally different to my ex"

With respect OP this post shows a worrying amount of naïveté, you barely know rhis guy but you've already decided he's nothing like your ex? You don't know him. I'm surprised after your experience rushing with your ex you haven't matured your outlook a little?

And your comment about how he could have gone and chased a younger woman but he's sticking with you so far smacks of low self esteem like you think he's doing you a favour. If you don't value yourself nobody else will.

There are no guarantees however established the relationship is, no, you're right.
But surely it is our job to ensure that the relationship is as strong, viable and stable as possible to give any child the chance of both parents being there.
I don't think it's sensible to bring a child into the world with the attitude of if it doesn't work out I'll just be a single parent.
Yes children from separated parents can be well balanced and happy but it's not ideal.
I'm just not in the camp that having a child with someone you hardly know, that could potentially result in you moving to another country, with an existing child, is the best idea. Seeming wonderful and being wonderful are two very different things. I don't know if it's at all possible to get a clear enough picture of someone and their lifestyle so early, in these circumstances, well not well enough to consider having a child with them, but yes it's your instincts that count. After all it will be you and your dd and any new children who has to live with the consequences.
I think enjoying the relationship , those heady exciting early days, without making any major decisions is definitely the best way to go.

We’ve only been seeing each other a few months

Really?

You were single on 20 January this year. You had a thread about it.

I’ve been seeing this guys since the end of November. But not his girlfriend. I posted the message in January as I was struggling with issues I’ve suffered with in the past. Which I am getting help with.

I’m starting to feel like this is a bit of a witch hunt?

I’m going to see how it goes, thanks for all your advice. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Plus I chose not to have a child with a man whom I was with for 15 years!! And I have most definitely matured thanks very much. Part of the issue I made a mistake with my DD’s father is I had no dating experience and didn’t really understand the red flags to look out for.

But I have had time now to date and to understand the process. I’ve spoken to friends, read books, and seen a councillor to understand what went wrong and to make better choices in my life. And so far it’s going well 😊

There is no denying getting into a new relationship after having a child is scary or course.

It's not a witch hunt but it's very difficult for people to offer sensible advice if you contradict yourself. A quick glance at a few of your previous threads shows you often contradict yourself.

You just seem really set on the idea of having a child with this man, whilst simultaneously saying that you won’t.

And I completely agree with those who say sometimes in life you do have to take risks (within reason) ! If it feels right then why not

BECUASE YOU HAVE A CHILD WHO’S HAPPINESS YOU SHOULD BE THINKING OF!!!

I do agree that my last relationship was rushed and I put my hands up to that, put it down to immaturity in relationships due to lack of experience. However I don’t have a history of rushing into lots of relationships, because before this I was with someone for 15 years 😳 how much longer should you be with someone?

And Gotta, when I said people in life should take risks I wasn’t referring to jumping into bed with this guy and TTC in the next month. I meant taking a risk by thinking of having a relationship with him, despite some people saying I shouldn’t due to his desire to wanting to have a child. I think if you have a connection then give it a go.

Please don’t assume I’m not thinking about my child’s own happiness in this. That’s all I ever think about, so much so that I recently have set up contact with her father so she understands her identity fully. There is no way on earth I want to hurt her.

Like I said I’m going to spend some decent time with him soon, have fun and just see where it goes. I see no harm in that. And no to those people who are going to assume the worst, my DD will not be there.

Can you speak to his family - have you met them? I'd be extremely cautious of plunging in with someone you basically do not know. What if it turns out he has anger issues? Or he looks at porn every free moment? or he is racist but has hidden it well? Sometimes we do get on well with people but its only with time we really get to see what they are like

You're holding your hands up to a previous rushed relationship and saying you've learnt a lot in the time between that and this - but from the outside, it looks like you're about to do the same again.

I'd lay money on a new thread in a few months time 'im pregnant and my relationship is falling apart'.
Well something along those lines.
To even consider having a child (enough to put a thread up asking for advice) with a man you don't know just seems completely surreal to me.
You went into quite a lot of detail about the logistics of it as a viable situation so you've obviously thought about it a lot.
I don't know many that would even think about this so early on, especially as a lp of a young child who so far has had nc with her biological father.
The reason you have received advice to end it is simple. He wants children. You have a child. You are at approaching an age where having more children could be difficult and risky at best and dangerous or impossible at worse. All of the above reasons mean that quite likely your life stages are a little incompatible so why get involved in something that risks the emotional stability you have obviously worked hard to achieve for both you and your dc. That's all