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Original poster

When to have this rather awkward conversation

81 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2018 14:56

Hi everyone,

I’ve met someone new who I really like, it’s still early days but we’ve been upfront with one another about what we want in life etc as we’re both slightly older. I’m 42 and he is 38.

I already have a little girl who Is 3 and he wants a child of his own. I know we are cutting it fine because of my age, but I would have another child as it would be lovely for my daughter to have a sibling. But it would mean fast forwarding the relationship which obviously is a scary thought. He is aware of my age and the implications. He has asked me outright if I would have another child and I said probably yes. But I still think we need to talk about it properly.

We’ve only been seeing each other a few months and it feels early to be discussing this all. But I just feel at our age it’s pointless wasting one another’s time.

I’m slightly unsure what to do. So far it feels right with him, our core values etc are very similar. But the whole child thing is quite a big pressure on me.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/02/2018 15:43

Op. He has not raised the subject again. The relationship is new in the extreme due to distance. He is aware of your age. Let it be, I cannot understand why you wish to push this unless you feel it's a way to solidify the relationship and speed it up. And your own experience should show that you should not do this, especially as you do not wish history to repeat itself.

People say a lot of things in the early stages of a relationship. When Push comes to shove it's often different. Particularly is this would involve this man uprooting his life and moving country. You're not just facing the potential of being a single parent you're facing it with thay father won't even be in the same country.

If he wants to raise it he will. Until then let it be.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2018 15:45

I'm half Swiss so yes I would consider moving. I know the country well. But it would happen after about 3 years or so.

You are right, those are the questions I need to be asking him. Do you think I should ask him before he comes to avoid wasting time or just see how our weekend goes first? I may decide it's not right for me after this so it would be a silly conversation to have prematurely 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2018 15:47

Bluntness thanks, great advice. The only reason I want to discuss it is not to move the relationship faster, it's to see if he would be happy to be just a step parent if I can't have another child..

OP posts:
rewritethestars · 03/02/2018 15:48

If you would be having a child more for him than for yourself then I definitely wouldn’t do it.

How do you know how he will take to your own child?

Far too soon imo. I think it takes a good year to know someone.

VelvetSpoon · 03/02/2018 15:50

I always wanted a 3rd child (had 2 in my 20s). But I was 41, nearly 42 when this relationship began. We did discuss children after about 3 or 4 months. However he wasn't that bothered (he already had his own DC) though before we met he had said to himself that if he met a woman without DC, he would possibly have considered one more.

I then thought about the practicalities. It was 6 months before he met my DC, a little longer before I met his, and another few months before the DC met each other. So that was most of the first year. Then living together, practically the soonest we thought we might have lived together was after about 18 months. And then we'd have needed to give it 6 months to be sure it was working. So by the time we could even think about it I would have been 44-45. And that was assuming everything went well, none of the DC had any issues with the relationship, us living together etc.

I realised there just wasn't enough time to do everything. If we'd met when I was 3-5 years younger maybe. I do just think that when you have children already the timeline has to be a lot longer.

Oly5 · 03/02/2018 15:50

I was pregnant within a year of meeting DH. I was 33 but we both wanted kids. If it feels right, do it

stitchglitched · 03/02/2018 15:52

Presumably you didn't already have a child to consider though Oly5?

Wauden · 03/02/2018 15:55

Could you go on holiday with him? I mean a holiday which is not all sun and fun all the time but one which really tests you both out. Stuff happens so you find out if he, for eg, will not tolerate standing in a queue, or whatever. (An ex threw a wobbly if he was kept waiting.)

GottadoitGottadoit · 03/02/2018 15:56

when I met my DD's father I was in a rush to have a child

It kind of sounds like you’re in exactly the same place again.

SilverySurfer · 03/02/2018 15:56

How many times have you actually met? It it has only been a few months so assume it can't be many and I think it's notoriously difficult to really get to know someone well long distance.

Can I just add that if you were to have a child with him and live in Switzerland, you would not be allowed to return here with the child without his permission. You could be stuck in Switzerland until the child came of age.

Sorry to be so negative, these are things you really need to think about.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2018 15:58

I plan on going to Switzerland to visit him soon. So far we have already have a lot of things thrown out us which has tested the relationship and each and every time he has been amazing and supportive. He could easily have walked away and started dating a younger woman but so far he seems to want to stick with me.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/02/2018 15:59

What sort of things have been thrown at you?

MammaTJ · 03/02/2018 16:01

I had been married and had a 9 year old DD. My ExH had not wanted any more DC.

When he left me for the OW, I cried for about 2 weeks, then realised I could have another baby if I chose to. I met DP online. We talked a lot on the phone before we met. Then he came to meet me.

I figured I had done things the 'right' way and still ended up a single parent, so having a baby alone was not such a leap, had things not worked out between us!

I actually fell pregnant on out first night together. 13 years and 2 DC and we are still going strong. He is a great Dad, good partner, and Granddad to my now adult DDs own DD!

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2018 16:02

Gotta I was admittedly in a rush to have a child when I was 38. But this time the tables are turned with this guy and he is the one which wants the child and I'm not in any rush at all.

Silvery this is something I'm very aware of. I would want the child to be born here, and move to Switzerland later on possibly. This is all hypothetically of course!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2018 16:04

Mamma that's a lovely story 😀 Thanks for sharing! That's the thing! You can do things the right way and STILL end up on your own!

OP posts:
IfNot · 03/02/2018 16:05

What velvet spoon said. You already have a child who you need to put first. I know better than most that having a child links you forever to someone you may not want to be linked to. It's a huge thing.
I do understand; I met my dp when I was already unable to have more dc without medical help. He has no children and is slightly younger. I laid my cards on the table right away, saying that if he wanted dc he would have to break up with me because it wasn't going to happen.
He said he had had years to decide to have children and had obviously chosen not to, and while, if it happened with me he would be happy, it wasn't a dealbreaker for him.
Of course down the line he may change his mind and if he does, well, there's nothing I can do about that, but I would never have a child with someone I barely know when I already have dc I need to consider.
Ageing is rough for woman, and life is unfair, but thems the breaks.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2018 16:19

Personally I wouldn’t discuss the happy being a stepdad just yet, you’re jumping the gun. It may feel all wrong when he stays. It’s especially tricky to have a child with a man you hardly know, who lives in another country. I understand time isn’t on your side. But the potential difficulties resulting from having unprotected sex when you hardly know him far outweigh those of not.

Cricrichan · 03/02/2018 16:26

It's a big gamble.

I agreed to have a child with who I thought was my soulmate and conceived immediately. Things turned very different once he had me and ten years later and a few kids later, I'm in the middle of escaping this controlling and abusive relationship.

He could be amazing or he could not. Be prepared to be a single mum and make sure that you have complete financial independence or are married if you decide to have a child together.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2018 16:31

The only reason I want to discuss it is not to move the relationship faster, it's to see if he would be happy to be just a step parent if I can't have another child

But this is a Change from your initial posts in the thread op,

They were all about trying to conceive quickly and how scarey it was in a new relationship. Your posts were very clearly indicating you wanted to start trying for a baby fast with this man due to your age.

I guess as you don't want to go it alone, you will also discuss marriage to protect yourself?

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2018 16:38

I think I probably didn’t really explain myself properly at the beginning of the thread. I am scared about moving things fast, I wasn’t sure if I should be having the conversation with having a child and the implications of it due to my age etc etc I just wanted to have some advice of it really.

I’ve decided to just see how the next few months go and make a decision from there.

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 03/02/2018 16:45

I think the conversation i would want to have is a statement - IF we are going to be together and have another child together, due to our ages I think we would have to make a decision on starting to ttc by the summer, when we have been together 6 months. (The bonus being, how he responds to this conversation, and then how you feel about it, will help you know if it feels right), Then you have to think seriously sbout when the move would happen towards living together - nothing like practicalities to see if it has legs,

Offred · 03/02/2018 16:59

I suggest you go and read your previous threads re commitment issues and when you broke up with this guy in December.

IMO it would be insane to consider having a child with someone you barely know who lives abroad if your bottom line is that you don’t want to be a single parent to two and it isn’t even you who wants the baby, it is him.

I think you would be better to say that you want to establish the relationship. That you aren’t prepared to rush things just because time is ticking and he wants a baby.

IMO you are now overcompensating for the walls you have put up re ex by sacrificing yourself to what he wants.

DragonNoodleCake · 03/02/2018 17:16

I think you should concentrate on the relationship for a while longer and work out who's moving. Once that's settled, then re-assess how you feel.

sleepyhead · 03/02/2018 17:18

Realistically it's unlikely that you will have a child together.

Even if you didn't live in different countries, even if you had spent more time together, even if you were more sure that you even wanted another child.

It seems to me that the he needs to realise that this relationship is not likely to result in a child and he should decide whether to remain in it on that basis.

He may of course decide that he wants to be with you more than he wants a biological child and then a couple of years down the line changes his mind.

Honestly, I don't think this sounds like the right relationship for either of you at this point in your lives.

Charismam · 03/02/2018 17:21

Tricky. He knows how old you are, so he knows that either it's unlikely that you'll be the mother of a child of his and either he doesn't care about that or he is behaving too appropriately to rush you.