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Original poster

Husband talking to dominatrix

90 replies

Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 15:40

My husband has told me he has a need to be dominated. I have tried but really struggle. A few weeks ago he told me he had joined a bdsm group online and had discussed the way he felt with group members. He told me he was exploring whether he really needed to be dominated or was it just a fantasy. He told me he had chatted to one girl who was a lesbian dominatrix and she was going to explain to him what happened in sessions with her. I told him that I understood the need to explore but to be honest with me and keep me informed. Yesterday I found a message from her to him referring to an online session they had had and talking about him climaxing. He hasn’t said a word to me about this. I think I have been niave in thinking it was just advisory. I don’t know what to do. Do I confront him or wait and see for a few weeks..

OP posts:
Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 02/02/2018 15:46

I would say give him a big slap but he would likely enjoy it.
Ltb - he has cheated imo.

Mooey89 · 02/02/2018 15:48

I’d LTB personally but then my threshold for shit is very low.

Original poster
Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 15:58

We have been married for 25 years and only now the need for being dominated is coming out

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 02/02/2018 16:04

I don't see this kind of thing as a need. It's a desire. If you desire something that isn't available in your marriage, then you have a decision to make.

Many of us can't have everything we want. We get by!

Original poster
Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 16:15

So picklemepopcorn do you think he should choose me and the marriage or the need/desire to be dominated.?
I think I naively thought that it wouldn’t be sexual but with the reference to climaxing I now know it is. He told me when we had the original chat that it wasn’t about sex. He also said that the dominatrix who was going to get advice from was from another part of the world so I had nothing to worry about as he would never meet he. I’m so so confused and don’t know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 02/02/2018 16:16

My first instinct is to talk to him but I wonder if having to explain something like this to someone who isn't into it kind of ruins the fantasy and therefore he won't be very open with you.

It's not something I'd leave a partner in isolation. What's the rest of your relationship like?

Original poster
Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 16:31

Holly the rest of the relationship is fine as far as I’m aware. We have a good healthy sex life. He tells me he loves me and that he would never have sex with anyone else. That fact that he has obviously chatted to this woman online and masterbated really upsets me.

OP posts:
Chaosofcalm · 02/02/2018 16:33

Your husband is arranging to pay someone for sexual gratification. What do you think you should do OP?

Original poster
Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 16:34

He has not paid anyone

OP posts:
Masterbuilders · 02/02/2018 16:56

You asked him to keep you informed and he hasn’t. That’s because he’s had cyber/phone sex with a Dom. You now have to decide if he’s crossed the line. I personally wouldn’t get past it, you might. However if this is a real fetish and he’s already crossed this step, it stands to reason the next natural step is a meet.

NormaNameChange · 02/02/2018 16:57

Its really unlikely she gave him a free on line session OP.

Its not so much the being dominated but the lies that would kill it for me. I've little tolerance for bullshit. Of course its sexual, despite what some people may think kink is almost always sexual. Why do we do these things if not to get off in some way or another?

Original poster
Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 17:01

Do I wait and see if a second session with this woman happens? Do I confront him and ask him what has happened and see if he comes clean and tells me. I know he has only talked via messenger on his phone as he is not very good with technology and so only uses his phone.

OP posts:
EggsonHeads · 02/02/2018 17:04

Sexual desires don't trump marriage vows. What a bastard.

HairyBallTheorem · 02/02/2018 17:04

The bottom line is are you okay with him cheating. Because that's what this is, regardless of the precise nature of the sexual activity involved or his bullshit excuses ("needs" to be dominated my arse).

So, your choices are:
LTB
Get him to admit what he has done is wrong, promise that he won't do it again, and somehow police that promise without your marriage going to shit anyway due to the lack of trust
Pretend you're cool with it while it eats you up inside
Genuinely be cool with it and mutually agree to open up your marriage.

Only you can decide which one of these works for you. I'd advise very strongly against 3, and IMO the odds against 2 working are pretty high.

Masterbuilders · 02/02/2018 17:04

It’s up to you. You’re minimising already. He’s already not done what you asked and he’s hidden it from you. He’s also had a cyber type sex session with this sub. If you’re happy to let that go then that’s your call. If you’re not, you have some questions to ask.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 17:10

"Not sexual" ?

"Just advisory"

He "hasn't paid" the sex worker ? So she gives her time to the needy for free, does she ?

You have some catching up to do I am afraid, a Sahara's worth of sand to shake from your head and lots of coffee to smell. When you have done all that, I hope you will accept he has cheated on you, that you are married to a punter and will tell him to get to fuck.

Original poster
Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 17:13

Thank you all I’m going to think about your advise. I mean dreading this weekend as we are going away for a family birthday and as you all say this is eating me up

OP posts:
HostaFireAndIce · 02/02/2018 17:15

We have been married for 25 years and only now the need for being dominated is coming out

It wasn't that urgent a need then?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 02/02/2018 17:18

Imo he has been deceitful. He has had an interactive sexual encounter with someone other than you, his wife. He has also lied about it.
He needs to decide whether his desire to experiment is worth more to him than his wife's feelings and the stability of his marriage, while you need to decode whether you wish to stay married to someone who lies to You, disrespected your feelings and puts his own sexual gratification before his marriage goes.

picklemepopcorn · 02/02/2018 17:24

What he chooses to do is up to him, really. It was a choice he made, however. It isn't like eating or breathing, he had to seek this experience out. If he had issues of some kind, then a therapist should have been his first port of call, not a bdsm forum.

What will you choose to do? I don't think I could tolerate it, but then I don't accept porn as a valid need either and many people disagree.

I can accept people consensually slicing up their sex life, or agreeing to a compromise arrangement when sex drives are very different. I don't think I could agree to a partner exploring a sexual preference outside marriage, though.

Original poster
Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 17:25

But he hasn’t paid her I know for definite as I look after all the finances and he wouldn’t be able to send her money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 17:30

I’m going to ask him has he spoken to her lately and see what he says. See if he is truthful then if he is tell him how I feel. Thanks again for your comments

OP posts:
DotCottonDotcom · 02/02/2018 17:40

Ah that old one, I know where all he money goes....

Honestly no ones gonna give him a lesson for free. Trust us on this one. He’s scraped the money together

yetmorecrap · 02/02/2018 17:46

Loads of ways, PayPal , card you don’t know about etc

Original poster
Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 17:46

But how could he get the money to her. ? He doesn’t have access to online banking and I would notice something on the bank account or credit card bill. I’m so confused

OP posts:
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