Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Husband talking to dominatrix

90 replies

Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 15:40

My husband has told me he has a need to be dominated. I have tried but really struggle. A few weeks ago he told me he had joined a bdsm group online and had discussed the way he felt with group members. He told me he was exploring whether he really needed to be dominated or was it just a fantasy. He told me he had chatted to one girl who was a lesbian dominatrix and she was going to explain to him what happened in sessions with her. I told him that I understood the need to explore but to be honest with me and keep me informed. Yesterday I found a message from her to him referring to an online session they had had and talking about him climaxing. He hasn’t said a word to me about this. I think I have been niave in thinking it was just advisory. I don’t know what to do. Do I confront him or wait and see for a few weeks..

OP posts:

Josuk · 02/02/2018 21:41

OP - i’ll go a little against the grain here and say - what you think has happened may not have happened in the WAY you think...
You need to talk to him - that part is clear.

One of the other ways that may have happened - that may or may not make a difference to you was the following.
He may, in fact, had been talking to the Domme about the way she’d go about it.
And she may have given him examples, etc. And a ‘taster’ - as examples.
And he may have got himself in a frenzy - as he was suppressing these urges for what seems to be a long time.
And climaxing was the outcome.
Domme may or may not have been trying to get him there this time.

But - in a way - how it happened is sort of irrelevant.
That need he has is unlikely to go away - so, you’ll have choices to make.

Original poster

Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 22:05

I get what your saying Josuk. So you think now he has experienced it he won’t want to go without it:? Whatever happened I know he climaxed and I know he enjoyed it. Well that’s what I got from the messages I saw

OP posts:

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 02/02/2018 22:46

Dominika196 I think if he enjoyed it that time then he will want to do it again and when that novelty wears off then he'll want to try something more. Maybe a sex-chat webcam thing (you know what I mean) or meeting in person, not neccessarily with this dom.

luckiestgirl · 02/02/2018 22:58

To answer your question, no I would never play online with someone I thought was in a relationship. Of course not. And to me, that’s cheating.

From the messages you saw, was it clear whether she made him come during their conversation, or did he make himself come while alone, maybe from a fantasy or something that she might have advised him on in their discussions? I don’t know about you, but in my eyes that would be less hurtful.

Original poster

Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 23:14

Luckiest girl. From what I read she made him climax as she referred to something she got him to do after he had. I would rather not say what that was.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 03/02/2018 01:34

A dom will not generally be concerned if a man is married. That's not her issue.. .especially if there is money involved.

Also...she may not realise he's married.

Jellyheadbang · 03/02/2018 01:55

Poor you op. Personally I would be gutted and not be able to get past it but 25 years is a long time .
Did he tell you why he kept his desire a secret from you for a quarter of a century.
I agree with everyone who says now that he’s opened the box he will not be able to put the lid back on. The nature of addiction is that you keep looking for more and more to recreate the original high. He is going to want to act it out one day or to have more of these horny conversations .
he told you she’s gay so that you wouldn’t be allowed to feel threatened or betrayed and no doubt somewhere along the line he’ll make you feel uncool or call you vanilla...
It’s not your thing and that’s fair enough. The ball is in your court and you have the control, you either end things or put up with it. Really sorry for you but remember you haven’t done anything wrong. He’s decieved you first by not telling you about his need and secondly about his wanky conversation with a ‘lesbian’.

Mrstobe90 · 03/02/2018 01:59

Personally, I'd confront him.
Ask him why he hid her interaction from you, why he lied about it not being sexual and why he went behind your back.
If he continues down this road, it's likely that he'll start delving deeper into the fetish and it'll end physical.

HustleRussell · 03/02/2018 07:29

Don't you want to be a dominatrix? He may like that.

user1467480231 · 03/02/2018 08:36

In my opinion, and from first hand experience, many men (and women) have suppressed fantasies all their lives and once they reach middle aged, the lid of the pressure cooker just comes flying off.
My ex husband of 24 years admitted that he had been a cross dresser from the age of 6. I honestly had absolutely no idea, despite him apparently wearing my clothes for our entire marriage. Amazing hey?
All I will say is that people can be very secretive, very clever, and very, very good at denying situations and try their best to be blasé about something which is infact very important to them.
My ex seems happier living alone now, aged 50, despite losing a wonderful marriage and two kids. He feels more relaxed getting home from work and dressing up in his female clothes than when he had to hide it in our marriage.
Good luck and if possible, try and talk things through. x

Truthstar · 03/02/2018 10:40

"From what I read she made him climax as she referred to something she got him to do after he had. I would rather not say what that was."

Oh god. I know what it was! Boke

Graphista · 03/02/2018 11:17

It's cheating, just because its done online doesn't negate the fact he had a deliberate sexual encounter with someone outside the marriage.

Lots of misinformation on the thread though. Within the community there's lots of online relationships not all doms are professionals (paid) by a long way - they simply get a kick out of it themselves. She may not know he's married or may not care. I highly doubt she's a lesbian as if she were she'd get nothing out of it.

But the point is he's cheated, he knows he's cheated that's why he's being "nice" cos he feels guilty, and so he should!

Personally I'd ltb. But it's a long marriage.

As I see it you have 3 choices
ltb
Stay but under the proviso he doesn't cheat again and just deals with not having bdsm as part of your sex life
Stay but open up the marriage - that can include online infidelity only, it can also include YOU getting a little extra marital attention - see how he likes THAT idea! Tell him you're taking on a boy toy - younger, better looking, more stamina... Yea he'll LOVE that I'm sure what's good for the goose...

LearnFromThePast · 03/02/2018 11:29

I have been in chat rooms like this when I was single and they weren’t paid. But it was women who got off on dominating men, which may actually make it worse for you as it is likely they both enjoyed it and climaxed. It is cheating and I never would have played with someone in a relationship - it was one of my first questions back then.

In my relationship I like to be dominated, but my H isn’t into it at all, so we don’t do it. I wouldn’t dream of interacting with someone online. If he has lived without it all this time then I can’t see why he can’t just go on that way, but if he can’t then he should be talking to you frankly about it, not cheating online

Bonnynorton1 · 03/02/2018 11:49

Why do people (especially men) think they have to follow their urges? We all have urges or fantasies. I'd like to live on wine and chocolates, I'd like to slap some people. But because it would be harmful and because I'm a civilised adult I have a word with myself and don't do it. People don't suffer from managing their harmful desires. They really don't. What your DH is doing is harmful. He married you and made a promise to be faithful. He has broken his promise and he is hurting you.

Unless you are happy with this situation (which you aren't) it has to stop. Don't indulge him. I sense you think he needs to do this. Probably because he has presented it to you in this way. Nobody needs to cheat on their partner. If they insist they can't live happily without a particular practice then they have to leave the relationship.

Original poster

Dominika196 · 04/02/2018 13:20

I have confronted him this morning. He said he never climaxed but he told her he did. He is saying he could never climax with anyone other than me. He says he just likes her to have control over him. I have seen her online profile and it states on there that she is in a relationship with a woman

OP posts:

Graphista · 04/02/2018 13:21

Just because she's in a relationship with a woman now doesn't mean she's lesbian.

"I'd only ever cum with you" aye right!

SandyY2K · 04/02/2018 13:22

How do you feel about what he's said? Do you believe it?

inlectorecumbit · 04/02/2018 13:25

Wouldn't believe him OP- sorry

I think it damage limitation for him and hopefully give him carte blanche to continue-- hiding in plain site

Original poster

Dominika196 · 04/02/2018 13:30

I want to believe him. He has a way of making me believe him. He’s told me what happened with her and told me how he felt. I said to him that he will want to do it again and again and that he could progress to need to actually meet up with a Dom. But he keeps saying no he will never go that far. He is insisting that he doesn’t want the sexual interaction. He just likes her controlling him. I said but because you didn’t climax them you did not obey her and he said that he just couldn’t because of me. My head is spinning..... I love him so much but I’m scared of what is next

OP posts:

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 04/02/2018 13:30

Yeah right!

Masterbuilders · 04/02/2018 13:30

A sub disobeying his dom and lying to her about coming? If you believe that op, you’ll believe anything. That had cyber sex and he’s lied.

picklemepopcorn · 04/02/2018 13:32

If something I was doing was causing my husband this much confusion and distress, I hope I'd stop! I've been married 25 years. I wouldn't dream of doing something like that! My DH does not meet all my 'needs', but I've chosen to stay put and get by. I wouldn't be flirting and seeking validation and kicks elsewhere, particularly if it upset him. Just no.

SandyY2K · 04/02/2018 13:38

I'm taking it that he only wants sexual domination? Not being dominated by being told to cook dinner...clean the house etc

It's tricky really...because he can't help his kink..
he's been honest and told you about it...many wouldn't....you aren't into it...have you tried role play at all? Or is it just not you?

I'm quite open minded and non judgemental about people's sexual preferences...you need to set firm....boundaries and I'm very sceptical about him not climaxing...the domination turns them on..so they would want to obey and climax.

JustHereForThePooStories · 04/02/2018 13:39

OP, you’re being ridiculously passive in all of this.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2018 13:39

If you believe that, you will believe anything

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread