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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband talking to dominatrix

90 replies

Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 15:40

My husband has told me he has a need to be dominated. I have tried but really struggle. A few weeks ago he told me he had joined a bdsm group online and had discussed the way he felt with group members. He told me he was exploring whether he really needed to be dominated or was it just a fantasy. He told me he had chatted to one girl who was a lesbian dominatrix and she was going to explain to him what happened in sessions with her. I told him that I understood the need to explore but to be honest with me and keep me informed. Yesterday I found a message from her to him referring to an online session they had had and talking about him climaxing. He hasn’t said a word to me about this. I think I have been niave in thinking it was just advisory. I don’t know what to do. Do I confront him or wait and see for a few weeks..

OP posts:

NameChangedForThisQ · 02/02/2018 17:48

If I were in your shoes, I'd explore the world of dom/sub a little myself. If it's what he really wants and he feels urgent about it, why not see if you like it too? Maybe you could explore something you'd like too, to reciprocate? If you really try and can't get into it, then I guess you have to decide where your boundaries are in your marriage and what you'll accept and what you won't. Then it's up to him whether to leave you or stay.

Original poster

Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 17:50

I know you might no believe but I know 100% that he doesn’t have another card. He wouldn’t have a clue how to set up a paypal account. He’s useless with computers and can only just manage to use his phone

OP posts:

Original poster

Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 17:52

I did do some research when we had our initial chat but it’s not for me.

OP posts:

luckiestgirl · 02/02/2018 17:53

If she’s not a professional then there’s every chance she had cyber sex with him for free.

I play out my kink online with guys I meet in chat rooms. She’s getting a kick from being dominant so I’m sure there’s many that would do that recreationally without exchanging money.

Just because there’s no evidence of money being spent, doesn’t mean she didn’t make him come.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 17:56

He was IT savvy enough to jack off to some filthy chat over the internet though, wasn't he ?

You are very naive. Stop excusing him. He probably has perv profiles all over the www. It's like a great huge candy shop for losers like him.

Masterbuilders · 02/02/2018 17:57

It doesn’t really matter about the money. I guess it would make him a punter. However if he hasn’t paid, she and he have chosen t have cyber sex and make him come because they wanted to, not as a transaction. That’s the cold reality of it. You’re so focused on defending him (he didn’t pay) you can’t see the alternative is just as ugly. Unless of course you’re ok with that. Reading your posts I’d say not.

Original poster

Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 17:59

Luckiest girl Do you do this with married men knowingly? Is it just the kick you get from it. It’s hurt me to think of him doing this with someone other than me. I don’t get the one line thing as he can’t see her and she can’t touch him.

OP posts:

Cadence70 · 02/02/2018 17:59

Or you could pretend to dominate the fuck out of him starting with rule number one: no Internet access and talking other women, keep him in a cage in the kitchen, see how he likes them apples..
Seriously though, once he's started down this road it's hard to come back from, he'll want more and more, you have some big decisions to make

KnowYourPlace · 02/02/2018 17:59

Tell him you really feel a need to be respected and told the truth and that you've met a man online who will provide those things for you. Ask him if he's okay with that.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 02/02/2018 18:04

Some people are making massive leaps, there are loads of websites that put like minded people in contact - it does not mean he has paid for her to talk to him!

Begrateful · 02/02/2018 18:04

He's been selective in what he's told you and is trying to minimise the extent to which he's delved into exploring his desires. I wonder why?

Don't confront him immediately, give him more time and see if he'll eventually confess. In the meantime have some tea and enjoy the family weekend.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 02/02/2018 18:11

Vows not goes

Chaosofcalm · 02/02/2018 18:12

Ok so he has not paid her but he is involved with someone else for sexual gratification. Is that acceptable to you in your marriage?

Masterbuilders · 02/02/2018 18:17

One person mentioned he had paid which is a bit of a leap yeah. However it’s now being mentioned consistently because that’s all op is focusing on. It’s better that than realise he’s had cyber sex with someone and they both did it out of choice.

Truthstar · 02/02/2018 18:19

Wants to be dominated does he?

Hows about you take his belt and whack him 20 times with it, get your high heels and stand on his toes, call him a dirty lying git, knee him in the balls, slap his jaws and then tell him you've the evidence for a divorce if he wishes to pursue his online fantasies anymore!

Wtaf.

Truthstar · 02/02/2018 18:22

Oh and just to echo other posters ... hes internet savy enough to whack one out using the computer. And to not be honest. He surely will do again. And he'll pay for it.
Cmon op.

yetmorecrap · 02/02/2018 18:29

I think truthstars idea is fab!!

kittensinmydinner1 · 02/02/2018 19:15

You need to talk to him OP and explain how it makes you feel. But I wouldn't be throwing away an otherwise happy 25 yr marriage over this.
It's a fantasy. He discussed it with you. Did he interpret that as the green light to explore it to the point where he engaged beyond the fantasy . ?
It all depends how you feel about porn/sex/cyber sex. For some it's beyond acceptable as demonstrated by majority of replies you've had. For others like me it's not.
The focus seems to be that he masturbated and came whilst doing this.. not sure how that's different from watching online porn - and wanking. Isn't that the entire point of porn ? to turn you on and fill masturbatory fantasy, something indulged in by thousands of men and women everyday. I'm pretty sure they aren't doing it for the conversation!

surlycurly · 02/02/2018 20:04

Not all dommes are pros (although she could have an Amazon wishlist or a paypal account- easy to send money it buy gifts). He is cheating on you though darling. He's getting his sexual needs met by another woman. That's not ok. You have to speak to him about it again.

Original poster

Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 20:24

Kittensinmydinner. I think it is different from watching porn as he is interacting with someone.

OP posts:

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 02/02/2018 20:42

It is certainly different from watching porn IMO. He has had a personal connection with the dom and shared something that should be kept for you, his DW.
It's cheating.

kittensinmydinner1 · 02/02/2018 21:03

Then you have to tell him that this is not ok for you.
Does he think he had tacit 'approval' by discussing it. ?
If so, you have to make it clear what you will and will not accept.
Your choices are ;
Agree he can interact with Dom online but never meet.

Ok to surf the web for Dom porn but not 'live' interaction.

Chat room only. No visual sexual stuff.

None of it. Tell him you are too uncomfortable with it and don't want to be married to someone who can't keep his fantasies in his head.

How you know he will stick to the any of the first Three is beyond me. Except that after 25 yrs you will know if you can trust him.

Or except it's a part of him and let him get on with it. Without you in this part of his life.

Whatever it is, nothing will help if you don't talk to him and BOTH be honest.
I completely understand that it is not a simple LTB issue. It's far more complicated especially after an otherwise long and happy marriage. Some people on MN seem to be of the opinion that you throw in the towel at the first sign of upset - which is fine if that's your value system. Some of us would look beyond the obvious especially for someone they love.

Original poster

Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 21:03

That’s how I feel DB no 1 fan

OP posts:

Original poster

Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 21:11

I don’t want to throw everything away but will I ever trust him again. I naively believed he was just going to ask questions of this woman and not actually take part in any sort of sexual interaction. I have noticed tonight that he is being overly attentive with me so I think he has sensed something is bothering me. I’m hoping he decides to tell me what he’s done ( from the message I saw I think it has only happened once) and so we can talk openly and I can tell him how I feel. If not I will have to bring it up after our family birthday weekend.

OP posts:

GottadoitGottadoit · 02/02/2018 21:13

Just cos this woman's a dom doesn't mean she's necessarily a sex worker.

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