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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband talking to dominatrix

90 replies

Dominika196 · 02/02/2018 15:40

My husband has told me he has a need to be dominated. I have tried but really struggle. A few weeks ago he told me he had joined a bdsm group online and had discussed the way he felt with group members. He told me he was exploring whether he really needed to be dominated or was it just a fantasy. He told me he had chatted to one girl who was a lesbian dominatrix and she was going to explain to him what happened in sessions with her. I told him that I understood the need to explore but to be honest with me and keep me informed. Yesterday I found a message from her to him referring to an online session they had had and talking about him climaxing. He hasn’t said a word to me about this. I think I have been niave in thinking it was just advisory. I don’t know what to do. Do I confront him or wait and see for a few weeks..

OP posts:
FannyWisdom · 04/02/2018 13:41

Oh lass.
It's too soon for LTB you aren't on the same page as him yet.

Stop looking at the Domme she owes you nowt.
He had a deal with you and he betrayed you.
He's lying now and will do it more.

The good news is on Mnet everything under the sun has been seen so there are plenty to hold your hand through it.
Sorry you've been put in this position.

000bourneFarm · 04/02/2018 13:44

Don't beat yourself up about it.
Pay someone else.

SwarmOfCats · 04/02/2018 13:50

I had a very similar situation with my ex husband (it started like this and I believed him when he explained it away), then I found more things by accident and confronted him again, and believed him again...then found things had escalated further, we had marriage counselling, then I found more (he was bad at hiding things). He eventually left me for someone else.

I wish I’d left him after the first or second time. I hope things work out better for you, but as someone else said - lots of people on here will understand what you’re going through and will be able to offer support. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.

Original poster
Dominika196 · 04/02/2018 14:01

I think I am going to have to question him more and perhaps he will open up to me completely. I have thought of questioning the domme but not sure if this will help

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 04/02/2018 14:03

What a load of bollocks

Sorry OP

Original poster
Dominika196 · 04/02/2018 14:04

Thank you swarmofcats I think deep down I know he’s lying but I’m clinging on. I keep thinking what else has he been lying about all these years. I feel like I don’t know him anymore

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 04/02/2018 14:06

Firstly I'm sure you've read threads about minimising cheating, so I wouldn't believe him.

Secondly it doesn't actually matter whether he did or not. He still willingly engaged in a sexual encounter with another woman. Then he lied to you about it even though he promised he would tell you.

mustbemad17 · 04/02/2018 14:12

To me, even discussing this sort of thing & leading someone to believe you are climaxing (i think he's lying to you btw) is cheating. The minute you cross that boundary you have been unfaithful to your partner.

The thing is, he has started exploring his fetish, without a need for you. That's dangerous territory ime, because you won't ever be able to fulfill his needs once he realises what his sexual kink really is. My ex was a dom, & altho we did 'vanilla' sex it was pretty clear that it didn't do anything for him like sub/dom role play did

Tiddlywinks63 · 04/02/2018 15:01

God I feel for you op.
My H hid the most revolting DVDs of homosexual sex etc, did numerous online searches for sex holidays abroad, blew our broadband allowance by ££s then denied everything and told me it was all my fault, says he's addicted to porn
That's after nearly 50 years of marriage.
I consider the marriage a sham and over, he's not the man I thought he was.

Original poster
Dominika196 · 04/02/2018 15:08

Omg Tiddlywinks that’s awful. I feel for you as well.

OP posts:
FannyWisdom · 04/02/2018 15:22

Fucks sake Tiddly Sad

Don't let him have any more years.

f83mx · 04/02/2018 19:40

I don't think you should question the dom its nothing to do with her whether he's married or not - he's your husband, he made the vows, he wanked off to dirty pics/messages/chat etc and he lied - so there's only one question - are you ok with that or not?

pickleofficer · 04/02/2018 20:28

Ltb

Poiuytrewq01 · 04/02/2018 20:53

You know he’s already lied, right at the start where he said he’d keep you in the loop but failed to......his word means nothing.

It’s just too easy for him not to tell the truth.

Original poster
Dominika196 · 05/02/2018 16:32

Thank you to everyone for all your comments and advice

OP posts:
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