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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fuck buddy confusion

105 replies

Fuckbuddyhell · 02/02/2018 07:26

I started seeing someone in April last year, he made a huge effort to take me out, pay me compliments and we didn’t sleep together for the first three weeks. I thought it was heading to be a relationship but a couple of months in realised he wasn’t increasing the time spent with me, wasn’t asking me to stay overnight, didn’t introduce me to friends etc.
I talked about this with him in the summer and he admitted he liked his lifestyle , didn’t want to ever marry a second time and couldn’t offer a relationship. We have carried on seeing each other purely casually but I’m getting bored of just sex. I want to go out and do things with him and have started developing feelings again. He keeps in touch everyday and seems to care but just only sees me for sex.
Can this ever go anywhere?

OP posts:
taekwondo · 02/02/2018 07:30

I don't think so. He's told you what he wants, so listen.

You really need to stop seeing him and allow yourself to find what you want. Don't settle

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 02/02/2018 07:35

Get out now . Just out of a situation like this myself . The keeping in touch every day ? they do it to bond you to them . It is unfair on you . Check that he doesn't have a partner or is even married as well . Yes they do "care " - they care about having sex with you whenever they want. These situations are toxic - been there and wearing the T shirt right now ! Move on and don't look back .

Original poster
Fuckbuddyhell · 02/02/2018 07:36

I’ve tried to start going on dates with other men (no sex though) but find myself missing him. He is great company and fantastic in bed, I’ve never met anyone I crave so much but he is happy as things are and I want more again. I’ve tried to walk away, cool things, let him do all the running, go out with others and everytime I do that he chases again until I’m drawn back to him.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 02/02/2018 07:39

You’ll keep missing him if you keep letting him stay in contact. You need to be brave and tell him you want a proper relationship and this isn’t working for you and then block (everywhere!) and delete. You’ll only meet someone else when you do.

MiniTheMinx · 02/02/2018 07:43

No, no confusion, it seems very clear that he doesn't see you as someone he will develop a committed relationship to.

We see so much advice to women along the lines of love thy self, be happy in yourself, live a full life, take up hobbies, get active, and you should focus on being happy in your own skin and on your own.....then you will be happy in or out of a relationship, and it doesn't matter if it doesn't happen. This is good advice. Along with advice to not settle for just anyone. This man is living this advice, but my feeling is that most do get involved if they are really into someone. And that's the way it should be.

Get out and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who is mad about you.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 07:48

That doesn't seem confusing to me. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He has told you this. His behaviour reflects it. Don't you believe him ?

Original poster
Fuckbuddyhell · 02/02/2018 07:48

He is divorced, I’ve been to his house lot of times. He has a busy career, his children, hobbies, clubs and male friends who he sees most days that I doubt he’d fit another woman in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckbuddyhell · 02/02/2018 07:52

My confusion is that he emotionally treats me as a partner would in terms of the constant contact through phone calls and messages or Skype but doesn’t do couple things with me. I can’t work out if he’s happy with this or just biding his time until someone else comes along who he will commit to. He was single for five years when he met me bar a few flings lasting weeks. He genuinely thinks he wants a relationship but backs away when he realises he has to make time and effort.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 02/02/2018 07:53

Exactly what AF says.

After being married once before and probably stifled, his life is full now, he’s not strung you along, he’s been honest. You need to respect that

AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 07:57

Messages and social media contact is cheap. You are reading something into it that isn't there. He sees you as good company on his terms. A way to while away his day but no more. Accept this or walk away if it's not enough for you but you are the one being deceptive here, not him.

0ccamsRazor · 02/02/2018 08:04

Say goodbye to him and block.

His feelings and life are not compatible with yours.

Chippyway · 02/02/2018 08:04

If a man wanted to be with you then he would make it clear that’s what he wanted.

You need to tell him how you feel and tell him it’s either all or nothing. If he doesn’t want a fully committed relationship then WALK AWAY! Block contact. You will not move on until you go no contact

Skype and messaging you means nothing. It takes 20 seconds to send a message. Raise your bar a little more

CJD7263 · 02/02/2018 08:09

It’s very clear to an outsider but that doesn’t make it easy to break ties.

It’s what you have to do though!

greendale17 · 02/02/2018 08:09

That doesn't seem confusing to me. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He has told you this. His behaviour reflects it.

^This.

JesusTapdancingChrist · 02/02/2018 08:10

I agree with the other posters.

He's been clear and upfront. I imagine part of you probably thought he would change his mind once he fell madly in love with you but that hasn't happened.

It's obvious you want a more traditional relationship. Cut your losses and move on.

mummabubs · 02/02/2018 08:10

I was in a situation like this for 2 years, honest to god OP get out of this situation, it will only make you miserable. As others have said he does the constant contact to keep you reeled it. Trust me, it'll feel utterly crap afterwards and you'll be tempted to go back but in months or years to come you'll be so happy you did. It was only after I'd broken free from all that that I ended up meeting someone (I wasn't looking for a relationship at all in that beautifully cliched way) and we're now married with a child.

Mix56 · 02/02/2018 08:19

he likes you for sex. he's told you, & you let him continue.
Just tell him its not enough & believe it

Rosielily · 02/02/2018 08:22

My confusion is that he emotionally treats me as a partner would in terms of the constant contact through phone calls and messages or Skype but doesn’t do couple things with me.

This is NOT treating you like a partner.

moviesgirl · 02/02/2018 08:23

What taekwondo said, "He's told you what he wants, so listen."
He's been honest with you, happy with sex but doesn't want a full-on relationship.
If that doesn't suit you then move on and find someone else, they may not tick all your boxes but life is about making compromises and making the best of what we have.

Taffeta · 02/02/2018 08:25

Nah. He either doesn’t want it full stop or he doesn’t want it with you.

Walk away if it’s not enough for you.

LizzieSiddal · 02/02/2018 08:29

He’s been very transparent.

He’s told you his intentions. Listen to him!

ThePartingLass · 02/02/2018 08:31

Echoing everyone else. I've just come out of a similar situation... although we were in a relationship for 18 months, then split due to dealbreakers on both sides. We then transitioned into a close friendship (with occasional sex), because there was no one sided rejection it felt ok to do that. I also dated after we split but realise now my heart wasn't in it because of staying so emotionally intimate with him. Now he has met someone else and it has floored me. You need to get out now before that happens, and it will, it's inevitable sooner or later.

Once out, don't dwell. Look to the future not the past, go dating, even if it's just a way of staying busy, but don't settle for anyone just as a means of getting over him. Go no contact, it really is the only way. I'm coming up 3 weeks the other side and already I'm feeling better in myself , so you can do it.

cakecakecheese · 02/02/2018 08:51

What everyone else said.

Last year I started seeing an old boyfriend from yesteryear. He'd just come out of a long term relationship and didn't want to get into anything serious. I was fine with that for a bit then like you I wanted to go out and do stuff with someone not just sit in watching a film and having a shag afterwards. We messaged every day and saw each other a fair but ultimately it was going nowhere.

The night after I ended things with that guy I met someone wonderful who is everything I wanted. If I'd have continued with the other guy I could have missed out on something amazing. Carrying on with this guy in the hopes he may change his mind could prevent you from meeting someone who does want what you want.

LizzieSiddal · 02/02/2018 08:51

I agree with TheParting this man will find some eventually that he wants to have a full relationship with. He’s been honest with you and told you it isn’t you.

Don’t hang on if you’re falling for him. You’ll get very hurt.

trappedinsuburbia · 02/02/2018 08:59

What minitheminx said:

'We see so much advice to women along the lines of love thy self, be happy in yourself, live a full life, take up hobbies, get active, and you should focus on being happy in your own skin and on your own.....then you will be happy in or out of a relationship, and it doesn't matter if it doesn't happen. This is good advice. Along with advice to not settle for just anyone. This man is living this advice, but my feeling is that most do get involved if they are really into someone. And that's the way it should be. '