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Original poster

Fuck buddy confusion

105 replies

Fuckbuddyhell · 02/02/2018 07:26

I started seeing someone in April last year, he made a huge effort to take me out, pay me compliments and we didn’t sleep together for the first three weeks. I thought it was heading to be a relationship but a couple of months in realised he wasn’t increasing the time spent with me, wasn’t asking me to stay overnight, didn’t introduce me to friends etc.
I talked about this with him in the summer and he admitted he liked his lifestyle , didn’t want to ever marry a second time and couldn’t offer a relationship. We have carried on seeing each other purely casually but I’m getting bored of just sex. I want to go out and do things with him and have started developing feelings again. He keeps in touch everyday and seems to care but just only sees me for sex.
Can this ever go anywhere?

OP posts:
user1497997754 · 04/02/2018 18:13

I would have a long conversation with him....you will be wasting your life with someone who does not see thing progressing and missing out on meeting someone who does....get a vibrator in the meantime...

Original poster
Fuckbuddyhell · 04/02/2018 20:53

I know that if I tried to discuss it again he would say the right things but fail to act on any of it.

OP posts:
BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 05/02/2018 08:19

user unfortunately a vibrator does not do the job ..in fact I have lost my sexual desire since I split with my FB a few weeks ago . I still desire him and my head is full of thoughts of the sex we had . I nearly caved in yesterday and messaged him . Any contact with him is currently desirable for me . He would still see me as a "friend" WTF and I have this "option" but I know that I would forever want it to be as it was. I am hoping that these thoughts will just diminish as time passes . Unfortunately all I remember are the good times and not the many bad times .

Original poster
Fuckbuddyhell · 05/02/2018 10:58

Beenthere, what finally made you decide to end things with him? I keep thinking that anything is better than nothing with him and sometimes I can keep myself distanced emotionally and just enjoy the sex. In fact during sex with him I can switch off and just see it as physical fun, but as soon as the contact reduces to minimal after sex then I find myself feeling clingy and wanting his attention. Is it normal for the contact to be on /off in a fab situation?

OP posts:
BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 05/02/2018 13:25

fuckbuddyhell we had some "words " a few weeks ago where I said that I felt he had been misleading with his actions and words . He didn't like this and made me out to be at fault ....we met and had make up sex ... a week later he ended it suddenly because of the words we had had so not my choice . Otherwise it would probably still be going on and I DO know that it is better that it has ended !! You are right though about the bad times after the sex - part of it is the normal sex hormones and that leads to the " I can't do this anymore days" and maybe a part of it is your common sense kicking in . I think the enhanced sex is purely because the meetings are literally about that . It is a very hard situation to break out of ( unless it is ended for you) but as I said there is still the "friend " option which I know is utterly ridiculous . Oh and yes " anything is better than nothing " - trying to fight that currently . Good luck with it all !

Original poster
Fuckbuddyhell · 05/02/2018 16:44

Your reply made a lot of sense Beenthere. There's been no contact now for nearly a week, I'm trying to stop myself initiating any but I'm struggling. But I know if he gets in touch, I'll fall in with whatever he wants. I need to step away and clear my head, easier said than done. I had a washing machine repair man here today and was chatting over a cuppa, thinking how much I miss doing that with FB. Now it's just sex followed by him leaving immediately or ASAP or him itching for me to leave his. I want someone to want me to stick around and cuddle me to sleep but I doubt I'd get the explosive sex I get with FB with anyone else.

OP posts:
BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 05/02/2018 17:18

Your last sentence fuckbuddyhell - exactly what I fear !

Original poster
Fuckbuddyhell · 05/02/2018 17:59

At the same time though I always feel slightly cheap afterwards. There’s no cuddling, hugging, snuggling to sleep together, instead once he’s satisfied, it’s finished. He is up within a couple of minutes, dressed and seems to want me gone.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 05/02/2018 18:03

It’s so hard OP but:

He doesn’t love you, and he doesn’t want you. He’s using you and he has been honest with you about that.

Any fondness or bonding stuff is part of him making sure he gets what he wants (the sex and the ability to tell you to go away again).

Just focus on that: he doesn’t want you and he doesn’t love you and that won’t change.

Someone else - someone much more wonderful - will love and want you.

Not this one though. He sounds facile.

Move on Flowers

Original poster
Fuckbuddyhell · 05/02/2018 18:21

Atrocious, I’d never thought of it like that with regards to the time he is so attentive to me leading up to meeting up. Is that to deliberately make me fall for him more even though he knows there’s no future in it? I guess it also makes it easier for him to have emotional and physical distance from me afterwards until the next time because he knows I’ll be worrying and so relieved to have contact that I won’t say anything to put pressure on him.

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 05/02/2018 19:00

I echo @atrocious , men don need to be coaxed into a relationship , when they love a woman ,they go after it ! Why are you denying yourself meeting someone who wants you enough by hanging around for this dross ? ? You only live once OP and time is short !

Grunkle · 05/02/2018 19:15

It sounds like he is fond of you and he thinks you're great.

That doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to blend his life / finances / time / etc. with you. You could be as interesting as Mary Beard with the looks of Helena Christensen, crossed with a billionaire, and he STILL would want to be single.

THere's nothing wrong with you, or him. You're probably both wonderful people. But you and him have a misalignment on what would make you happy in a relationship, and as such, it's time to get honest about that and release him to find someone who is happy with him.

I'm sure he would be horrified to hear that you feel you're in hell with him (per your username).
I'm sure you would feel uncomfortable asking him to fundamentally change what he wants in life, in order to make you happy.

So be kind to him and yourself, and cease contact with him.

He's not "using" you. Don't let that sexist bullshit pollute the story you're telling yourself - sex and intimacy is not something that is supposed to be "paid for" with lifelong commitment. He is allowed to enjoy spending time with you, without wanting to do the whole "life partners" thing.

This situation isn't working for you. And it's not working because of something on his side, that you can't change. Accept that truth, take steps to change things for yourself.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/02/2018 19:15

Yes I think he is lovely to you to get what he wants and then is perfectly at ease telling you to go again.

Charm is easy - charm is plentiful, easy to fake, especially to someone who wouldn’t behave like that unless they felt something, like you...but real love is another matter.

hotmumma69 · 05/02/2018 19:16

bin him

Charismam · 05/02/2018 19:18

Don't dwell on why you're not good enough!!

That is the moment to BAIL.

Tell him you got turned off.

I've been in this situation. I was being used not for sex so much as used for a girlfriend. Total headfuck. GET TURNED OFF

Do not sit around wondering what's wrong with you!! Nothing. I"m sure you'd never mess with somebody's emotions like that.

Charismam · 05/02/2018 19:21

ps, what a lot of men will do though is insinuate and imply that it's not personal that if they were going to commit to anybody it'd be to you Confused Hmm but due to their mother stifling them or whatever bullshit they offer up, they don't want a relationship. The words ''with you'' are the words they omit because they know that that would be clearer! so they avoid being clear.

NotAnotherEmma · 05/02/2018 19:29

There's no confusion, you just didn't want to accept what he told you. He's getting everything he wants out of you while you're not getting everything you want out of him and never will.

I don't know how you dump someone you're not dating...

Maybe just send him a text that says "It's been pretty deece. Kthxbai." Then block him.

Charismam · 05/02/2018 19:41

It is harding dumping somebody that you're not officially in a relationship with but actually are in one.........

I think the best thing to do is what I did NOT do. I dramatically announced that I had realised he was giving me mixed messages, deliberately duping me with what he didn't say. He got all uppity and said he'd been a great friend to me, always been there for me (as a friend) which was true perhaps, but it was obfuscation.

Just take longer to reply, don't prioritise him. Say no to meeting up. Say you want to catch up with other friends.

Charismam · 05/02/2018 19:42

I mean to say yes it is hard ''dumping'' somebody when you're not together as such. But still in the habit of communicating and meeting. You feel like you have to offer up some excuse for changing things coming to your senses

NeeChee · 05/02/2018 20:00

I've been in that situation, and I really regret it. I didn't want a relationship, I found it confusing though, he would treat me in some ways that led me to think that there might be more, but was back to the same, never wanted a girlfriend.
Now he has a girlfriend, and I see him around sometimes, it's really awkward. I wish it never happened at all.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 05/02/2018 20:37

@NotAnotherEmma " kthxbai " this ! Grin

NotAnotherEmma · 05/02/2018 22:01

Have you ever read "He's just not that into you"? I found it surprisingly good with a logic that can applied to both romantic relationships and platonic friendships.

It doesn't take someone over a year to decide they want to date someone.

A co-worker asked my husband today how long after meeting me did he know he wanted to marry me and his answer was "within the first 30 minutes of talking"

When someone's really into you it's clear as day because they can't get enough of you when someone isn't into you the only thing you get enough of is their excuses for not seeing you.

kikkok · 05/02/2018 23:18

Also in a similar situation and struggling with a FB relationship. I wouldn't want a proper relationship with mine but he has backed off a lot from when it started it and now feels very much on his terms and often feel quite rejected.

I am not great at relationships and struggle to meet guys so it's not as simple as saying 'go and find someone better' and I work with him so see him all the time and have to stay reasonably friendly with him

kikkok · 05/02/2018 23:18

Sorry for hijacking with a not very helpful post!

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 05/02/2018 23:26

@kikkok try online dating if you say you struggle to meet people . This way you can get comfortable in a dialogue and maybe a few phone calls before meeting up.

Regarding what you say to the work colleague I'd just say you're busy whenever he suggests meeting up or just advise you're looking for different things and it's just not going to work.

Hope you find someone lovely xxx