Fuck buddy confusion

[Fuckbuddyhell]

I started seeing someone in April last year, he made a huge effort to take me out, pay me compliments and we didn’t sleep together for the first three weeks. I thought it was heading to be a relationship but a couple of months in realised he wasn’t increasing the time spent with me, wasn’t asking me to stay overnight, didn’t introduce me to friends etc.
I talked about this with him in the summer and he admitted he liked his lifestyle , didn’t want to ever marry a second time and couldn’t offer a relationship. We have carried on seeing each other purely casually but I’m getting bored of just sex. I want to go out and do things with him and have started developing feelings again. He keeps in touch everyday and seems to care but just only sees me for sex.
Can this ever go anywhere?

I think everyone has given you very good advice. If he was going to want more with you it would have happened by now, it’s been nearly a year. Give yourself the chance to meet someone who does want more.

In my experience these fuck buddy type relationships rarely work as you are either left wanting more (as with this case) or if you’re not that into them you end up making excuses not to see them as you can’t be bothered (that’s what I found anyway!)

I think what everyone else has said is correct , if he felt strongly enough for you then he would want to make it official and treat you as a girlfriend . Without sounding to blunt here , I think (from what you have described) he sees you as a convenience that he doesn't want to lose because (just that) it's a convenient arrangement for him without having to put himself out too much.

If I was in your shoes , I would advise that you are looking a relationship and as he has made it clear he can't / doesn't want to offer it then you are ending things as you want different things then block him (on everything) and join online dating or go to some singles nights . Don't waste anymore of your precious time on this man, you deserve more OP xxx

As everyone else has said: no it can't go anywhere. You can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. He doesn't want a relationship (perhaps at all, perhaps just not with you- who knows), so you can't have one.

You won't be able to move on with someone else, whilst you're still seeing him. He's been reasonable in being honest with you, let him know that you are after something more serious, and won't be in contact again for this reason. There are plenty of other nice guys out there who you can have great sex with, who are after something more serious.

He just wants you for sex and only contacts you digitally during the day. He's very clear he doesn't want a relationship and doesn't want to be your friend.

I think this makes him probably more exciting to you as your constantly trying to win him and change his mind. You're not going to because it's been nearly a year and I bet your thoughts have been consumed by him throughout.

So end things and block him. Be honest why you're ending things and if he even cares a tiny bit for you he'll respect your decision and not contact you again. If he carries on trying then you know he doesn't give a shit about you and just wants to satisfy his needs.

*you're

Painful to hear but I think you’re right. I think he likes life as a single man in that he can do what he wants without anyone to answer to. He does seem to want a relationship but doesn’t want what that involves which is why he has been having short flings for so long. I hate the thought that someone might come along that he will commit to and it’s that thought that makes me stay as he genuinely is quite happy with things as they are.

He was serious for the first few months but then backed off when he realised a relationship needed more of his time than he was prepared to give.

I'm so sorry, I don't want to salt the wound but this:

He was serious for the first few months but then backed off when he realised a relationship needed more of his time than he was prepared to give

Could also be read as:

He gave me what I wanted in the first few months to reel me in, but once he realised her could have all the benefits of a girlfriend (regular sex, someone to give him attention, the feeling of being wanted, etc) with none of the sacrifices, he stopped bothering. I gave every appearance of being happy to accept that

I know it hurts to think that one day he might find someone else and suddenly want her to be his girlfriend, but I think that you should prepare yourself for just that to happen. It isn't going to be you, OP - I'm really sorry but he just isn't into you enough.

I would say that you tell him it's not what you want. It sounds very like he is enjoying the freedom you give him - all of the benefits of a long term relationship without the real
Commitment. He may well like you as much as he says but it's time for him to show you that and if he doesn't walk away quickly. Don't waste your time.

I keep finding myself dwelling on why I’m not enough for him. Is it my personality, body ? (All the things he compliments). I’ve allowed myself to think that if I keep seeing him casually,it will stop him having interest in anyone else, I can see how silly that sounds written down. It’s daft because all the men I’ve gone on dates with to try to get him out of my mind have been keen to see me regularly and a couple brought up the girlfriend/boyfriend conversation but I panicked because it seemed too soon. I think I’ve become accustomed to not getting much proper time or attention and view this as the norm.

I don’t feel strong enough to walk away but need to find that strength from somewhere. I’ve put him on a bit of a pedestal in my head even though that side of him isn’t one he shows to me. I think I need to get my strength up to walk away by starting to withdraw, become unavailable and explain that it’s because I’m out looking for a proper relationship instead. Surely if he really thinks enough of me, he will think about what he wants.

I don’t feel strong enough to walk away but need to find that strength from somewhere

Courage and strength come from DOING courageous things, OP - you can't wait until you feel like a righteous and ballsy woman and then take action. You have to act AS IF you were strong, and then afterwards you will find that you have become that woman. But I'm afraid the action has to come first.

Surely if he really thinks enough of me, he will think about what he wants

It's a very good plan to distance yourself from him OP. But don't do it as a powerplay/last ditch attempt to get what you want. If you tell him you're walking away, but in fact it is a desperate attempt to get his attention and force him to commit, he will smell it a mile off. You'll get a lame speech about how he doesn't want to lose you, you are special to him, what you have together is wonderful and how he will think about maybe at some point in the future moving towards a more committed relationship which could grow in the fullness of time, yadda yadda. You'll fall gratefully into his arms, all your prayers will be answered and then six months later you'll realise nothing has actually changed and you're still his side-dish while he waits for Ms Right.

If you say to him "I want a proper relationship with someone who treats me like he actually values me and wants to be with me, so I'm walking away. Best of luck for the future" AND THEN ACTUALLY DO IT, you'll be in a stronger position. Ask him not to contact you for at least three months, block him on everything and then go and live your life. Maybe he'll respect your boundaries, think about life without you and at the end of three months, get in touch to respectfully ask you if you would consider becoming his girlfriend. And maybe he won't. But you can move on with your life and find someone who actually values you.

A lot to think about so thank you. I had accepted that it wasn't going to go further but recently I've found myself hoping. As of today I've started to back off and will limit contact. Problem for me is I crave the physical contact so much.

You're doing the right thing in backing off, OP, but you'd do better to just cut contact with him completely and block him from here to everywhere.

He is happy to have sex with you but that's all.

He is not the man of your dreams, he's just convinced you that he is.

You can do so much better than this.

This guy is not your hero. He is the person you actually need saving from.

Walk away.

Sounds like a bloody perfect relationship to me!!

Perfect. You have your life - you can plan your day, do your thing, whatever that is, but you have the comfort and interest and support of him contacting/responding. And you have amazing sex with him when you want.

Amazing. I seriously don't see the problem.

If you want to watch a film with him, do it at his house before/after/during sex.

I get what he wants, and I think it's cool. He does want you and he is in a relationship with you. Just one where individual needs are kind of protected.

And tbh it's much nicer, e.g., for his kids and him to be together alone. Far simpler and honestly probably better for them (and you). He's being a grown-up in a way that is quite revolutionary, but personally I like it.

This is the same guy who's amazing in bed, who you love to sleep with.Who you love, actually, quite clearly. And looks like he loves you too. Wouldn't talk every day and fuck you, exclusively, if he didn't.

I think there's a lot to feel really happy with about that.

Don’t dwell on why he doesn’t want more with you and start analysing yourself. I’m sure there is absolutely nothing wrong with your looks or personality; you’re just not right for each other. Don’t waste energy on someone who’s not right for you, when there will be others who will be.

Of course you crave the physical contact . Thats normal . I had the best sex of my life with my FB and I am still struggling with the memories of that . Try to focus on the other aspects that were less appealing . It is bloody hard though. I know - I saw my ex FB a short distance away yesterday and it has opened it all up again .

I disagree with the people who say he will have a relationship with the right woman. He likes the single life, quite possibly this is why his marriage broke down. He is who he is and he seems to be quite self aware from that pov. But really it's up to you, and if you aren't happy then that is your answer. This isn't about you, how you look etc is about him fundamentally liking his freedom, or at least that's what I read into it.

There's no confusion as to what he wants or expects, Being scared that he'll find someone else who he wants to commit to,is a pretty messed up reason for staying with someone who doesn't want what you want.

You need to start taking responsibility for your own happiness. Which means taking back the power you've surrendered to a man whose made it very clear that he doesn't want the more from the set up you currently have.

Your self esteem is on the floor, find a counsellor to support you in raising it.

If you really want more then walk away. I was in a FWB relationship with some for the best part of last year. He wasn't after a relationship, needed to be by himself, was always busy with work etc etc but we got on well and the sex was good. However it was always him who called the shots and after s while it felt like it was beneficial to only him. It was confusing because he'd do stuff like cook me dinner, hold me after sex and talk for ages but I realised he wanted the girlfriend experience without the actual girlfriend. Then the last time I heard from him he told me he had just started seeing someone! He still wanted to meet up as he "considers me a friend" but fuck that, he can go find other friends. And I'm pretty sure that if things don't workout with this new woman, he'll be back so I've blocked him.

Koala, until very recently I felt exactly the same as you and was happy with things as I still had my freedom and yet had his attention. I really don't think he will settle properly with someone, he is very aware that he feels he's incapable. He preferred being single to being married despite loving his children.

PineappleFwitters you are spot on - they want the girlfriend experience without the girlfriend !! They want and will try to nurture the mental connection which enhances the sexual one , they want the playing at being part of your life when with you , the looking into your eyes , the holding , the continual texting . It is one thing being fcked but another thing being mindfucked!

That rings true Pineapple and Beenthere. He does seem to view this as a relationship of sorts in that it fits in with his life style and his needs. He is attentive and loving when with me bit I'm not part of his life. It does indeed feel like a mind fuck.

So what are you going to do Fuckbuddyhell?

Oh don't they Beenthere! The guy I was seeing would say how he really liked that I'd hang around and cuddle and chat etc rather than just up and leave like some other women he'd known. And then of course I'd never hear from him til he was feeling horny again! Don't get me wrong, we had fun and got on well together but there was always an"don't call me, I'll call you" feeling, and I could tell when he wasn't really wanting to talk to me.

Hope you figure things out OP, it isn't a nice feeling to just be picked up and put down on the whim of another person.

No Pineapplw, it’s hoeeible knowing you can be picked up and put down at random purely based on how the other person is feeling or what else they have going on. I need to get the courage together to call it off. I’m fed up of waiting around for tiny amounts of his time.