Fuck buddy confusion

[Fuckbuddyhell]

I started seeing someone in April last year, he made a huge effort to take me out, pay me compliments and we didn’t sleep together for the first three weeks. I thought it was heading to be a relationship but a couple of months in realised he wasn’t increasing the time spent with me, wasn’t asking me to stay overnight, didn’t introduce me to friends etc.
I talked about this with him in the summer and he admitted he liked his lifestyle , didn’t want to ever marry a second time and couldn’t offer a relationship. We have carried on seeing each other purely casually but I’m getting bored of just sex. I want to go out and do things with him and have started developing feelings again. He keeps in touch everyday and seems to care but just only sees me for sex.
Can this ever go anywhere?

@FuckItPassMeTheWine I am planning to try it but it scares me a bit

To be honest I don't think he'd be that bothered if I did put an end to it but I would find it hard to go no contact when having to work with him so am trying to just reduce it gradually

@Fuckbuddyhell Have you spoken to him yet? My former FWB is trying to contact me on social media so I've blocked him on that too.

It's just a bit maudlin - when we first "got together", he said he wasn't after anything serious, which was fair enough as I wasn't either. But it always felt like we had a connection beyond just sex and it felt like there was some genuine affection between us, so after we'd been seeing each other nearly a year I started to wonder if we could maybe give things a try as a couple.

But I didn't say anything as I figured he still wasn't after a relationship so when I got his message saying he was seeing someone, it felt like a bit of a kick in the guts. Looks like he just didn't want a relationship with me, although he said he still considers me a friend and hopes I still want to meet for a drink etc. But no, he's not having things on his terms anymore.

Anyway sorry to derail, just wanted to get that off my chest?

I’ve been here. It’s true. He’s getting the ‘relationship’ that he wants.
I’ve been you in that relationship expecting and hoping for more but I’ve also been him in other relationships and believe me, when he says he’s happy how he is that is the truth. He either waiting for someone more suited to his specific needs or he genuinely loves his life just as it is.
Don’t waste your energy trying to extract more from him, it won’t happen.

Today I am going to have final contact with my ex FWB - I was going to see him to talk over our "situation" but have realised that I am in the "any contact, good contact " situation here !! Struggling to cope with the idea that this will be the last time I message him but it has to be done . It is very likely that I will see him out and about and yes pineapple he wants to do the "be friends " thing. WTF ..

Reading some of the articles on Baggage Reclaim ( as recommended on the NC thread) put some of it into perspective for me . e.g.

"Do not expect someone who has previously regarded you as little more than a casual relationship to treat your so called ‘friendship’ anything other than casually."

He likes you enough to have this level of relationship with you , he doesn't like you enough to have the level of relationship you want. The law of scarce resources generally means you're going to continue to like him more and more and more but because you're so available he's going to like you less and less and less.
This is not a good place to be the worst outcome is he's going to meet someone who values herself more highly than you do and he wants a relationship with and you lose completely the best outcome is a continuation of this undervaluing of yourself and unhappiness at not getting what you want this really is a no win for you

Well I sent my message which I had carefully thought out and got a very brief response from him . Says it all really! It was what I needed to hear I guess .

Part of me wonders whether I should've spoken up and if I had, whether he'd feel the she way, given that he's now exclusively seeing someone. Then I figure if he wanted to be with me he'd have said something, but then again could he have been thinking that I didn't want anything serious with him?

But at the end of the day, overthinking isn't going to do me any good and I know I've dodged a bulletin by refusing to meet up again "as friends".

He’s been transparent but he’s using you. You want a future with someone who loves, respects and considers you. He will never be that person. Distance yourself. It’s hard to do but it’s that simple. Be strong. You deserve more. 💐

pineapple you have dodged a bullet !

Try not to overthink but I know how hard that is ! By the way I imagine that people who have not been involved in a situation like this think we are stark raving mad !

Fuck the meeting as "friends" only - what is it with them ? They want to think they were so great that everyone is grateful for anything with them ?

Yes, it's not like he and I were friends for years or anything before we got together, so why would I want to continue to see him? I wouldn't put it past him to make contact again if things go tits up with the woman he's seeing, but I'm not any man's fallback option!

It's not confusing at all.

You told him how you feel and what you want and he did the same.

They were different things. Regardless of how good the sex is, you are not compatible.

Beenthere/ pineapple, I haven’t said anything but have replied briefly to him. It’s distant one minute but changes when he wants sexual contact and he then puts boyfriend type behaviour in. I know that I’m going to get hurt if I continue, do you feel better for ending things?

I guess I do. I never actually told him to jog on, I just blocked him, but I'm not sure that having words would've been the way to go. He'd just think I was crazy and he'd had a lucky escape etc. Far better to take the high road and exit with dignity!

Of course he doesn't want to be with you. You are purely sex in his eyes. Sorry. Cut contact and walk away. Of couse that will lead to his BF behaviour but tell him to fuck off.

Get out please. Before you fall for him

I'd be straight - "Tom" I think it's time we call it a day. I really like you and my feelings are growing stronger all the time but you've been very clear you don't want a relationship and I don't want to be just a FWB. I can't do this to myself and I'm not going to beg. There's the door!

And that way he knows you stand, what your feelings are and what he needs to do in order to keep you.

There’s nothing more humiliating than waiting for someone who just wants you for sex to not ph9ne for a hook up. Take control, you end it and mean it. He doesn’t have golden penis and sex with someone you love and who is committed to you can be brilliant too.

Men and women want different things. This man will not give you what you want, because he doesn’t want it! Take control- he isn’t going to fall madly in love with you, he will pop out and find another FWB.

You are all right of course . How is it going fuckbuddyhell ?

Such a horrible situation to be in - am currently in one myself so empathise with you.
Even when you can clearly see it for what it is, it’s so hard to walk away. Almost like an addiction

I've just ended a fwb type thing, well I didn't he did.
If I'm honest I'm relieved.
When we met 6 months ago we were both in the mindset that we didn't want anything serious that it was purely fun.
We were very different in every other way so I knew that if i ever reached the point of wanting a relationship it would not be with him
We met up in the summer, went out to places, dated I suppose. Then things took over and we didn't see eachother for a bit. We reconnected and we talked most days.
I was happy with the level of contact it just seemed natural.
I enjoyed spending time with him and I enjoyed sex but I didn't want a relationship, that didn't change. I just don't feel that way with him. I liked him as a friend and I enjoyed having sex with him as an added benefit. But I also like being single, not having to compramise and not having to consider some one else's feelings along side mine. I made it perfecgly clear i am not emotionally available.
He changed his mind and decided he wanted a relationship with me. He wanted to label it, progress it forward. Do all the things I didn't ever want.
So after a week of him backing off, which I respected and did the same. He ended it. I'm glad because now I don't have to worry about the long conversations he started to instigate about where it was going.
I was never anything but honest with him, we both started off on the same page saying the same thing. It never changed for me. However he now feels I'm a bad person because I don't want what he does.
Some times these things just happen op. You can't help the way you feel anymore than he can help the way he feels.
The kindness beforehand I'm assuming is all part of the ritual almost like foreplay for him. Then once the sex is done he wants to go back to his life. I can understand this is hurtful to you and not 100% fair on his part
Nc is the only way to go in these situations. After a few weeks you'll begin to feel so much better and you'll be free to meet someone who wants the same and is able to offer you a relationship..

There’s no cuddling, hugging, snuggling to sleep together, instead once he’s satisfied, it’s finished. He is up within a couple of minutes, dressed and seems to want me gone.

This has to be the dealbreaker, when he's such a user he's happy to get what he wants and then discard you after.

If you're struggling with how to finish it, why not text him and say "hi Mr FWB, just to let you know, I've started seeing someone, and we're really happy together. Sorry it didn't work for us, all the best for the future FBH*

It gives you a dignified and final way out, you can't waver once you've sent the text. Block him from all social media and spend time away from him. As the days go by, you'll feel stronger and more resolute to keep him out of your life.

I would send something light and airy just, hi I've had a think, isn't really working for me, but good luck with it all.
But please don't send a long explanation and be honest with yourself about why the message is being sent.
Don't send a long text involving talk of feelings etc hoping he will realise what he is missing. It needs to be sent to end it and that's that.
He has made it clear how he feels.
Or if contact has dwindled to next to nothing just leave it there. Sometimes these things fizzle out by themselves, allow that to happen if it's easier to accept. But in any case I definitely think a short friendly message as pp. have suggested is the way to go.

He's got you hooked and knows it. Right how he wants it. But it's not what you want and you need to get out before you get hurt more than you are already. It's not you...it's him. You will find someone else who's even better and gives what you need. It's out there....but you won't find it while he holds you back.

Just in case anyone is still on this thread. Saw my ex-FWB last night as he was at an event I was attending.

Couldn't really speak to him apart from saying hi and bye but that was fine with me. He said it was good to see me, I played it cool.

Annoyingly I woke up this morning thinking that I do miss him a bit. I'm
not going to get in touch with him or anything but it's just a bit maudlin as I though I was doing pretty well