How to bounce back from a massive family argument?

[squareonenofun]

It’s another name change. I don’t usually post on relationships as it’s tricky. I occasionally throw in a LTB if it’s obvious.

Now it’s me I’m clueless. Don’t read on unless you have time for someone who is long winded.

DH and I together 20years. 3 teens. No wider family. We try to have a family evening meal most days. Lots of chat and debate.
The row from the title was after dinner, I’m still sat at the table. Middle teen was stressing over how hard the new style GCSEs are compared to older sibling. I have no clue what I said but something made him blow up and he thew a dinner knife at me and screamed in my face before going off and slamming doors. I sat there stunned. Then I shouted after him and then I had a lightbulb moment my DH had just sat there and done nothing. I was more annoyed with DH now as I felt he should have told off middle teen for his treatment of me.
Now I’m angry at two people!
Neither apologised to me.
So I woke up still angry the next morning and had another argument with DH about his passivity. He has a track record for passive behaviour. This was in front of middle teen and I shoved DH into middle teen as I was so wound up by him. I then ripped up my wedding photo and threw it at teen to say look at what you caused. I was a shouting maniac by now.
I know I don’t come off well.
After work I just went upstairs and kept away from everyone. I didn’t make dinner. ( so they all had toast!) and middle teen isn’t speaking.
I tried to explain to DH before teens got home that I was fed up having to do everything and he should have backed me up. He said I don’t need defending as I wasn’t in danger. He then said the reason I do everything is that I am a control addict and if I told him what to do he would do it.
We rarely argue but I think if we do DHs defence is always to turn things round and blame me call me bossy etc.
I certainly feel like everything revolves around me and my organising things.
I feel like DH should try to mediate between me and middle teen but I would need to tell him. DH has no initiative. So if I carry on going upstairs straight after work and not cooking then he will just let me carry on.
But if I do anything else then whole argument has been pointless.

The balance of power is all skewed and middle teen who only ever came out of his room to eat is probably even more screwed up.

I want DH to solve this but he is unlikely to do anything unless I ask.

Fuck me!
Can see where middle DC gets his/her over reacting from!
Ripping your wedding photo, pushing your DH! Maybe your DH is passive because he’s wary of you and your behaviour.
You sound horrible.

Could I suggest a family meeting to clear the air. It does sound that your DH needs to do more. I think both you and your son need to apologize and everyone move on.

I'm with Fish, frankly OP you sound unhinged! Do you always overreact like this?!

Is this a reverse?

If not, try talking to your teen. He was wrong to throw the knife, but you shoved your husband into him, screamed like a maniac and ripped up your wedding photo while blaming him, then sulked in your room... It sounds like exam stress may be playing a part in your teens outburst.
As for your husband, I feel sorry for him. Why should he mediate a grown adult woman and her child? This is between you and your teen, and as the adult in that relationship you need to take control and stop acting like a toddler.

Seriously op I might sound harsh but I think you need family counselling and maybe anger management.
Don’t let this ruin your family.
We were horrible teens and I remember my mum no matter what every night cane in and said goodnight love you and kissed us on the heads.
It left us with a vague feeling of guilt/shame and made us reconsider our actions.

I feel like DH should try to mediate between me and middle teen

No. How about you actually talk to your middle teen yourself? And take full responsibility - as an adult - for your appalling behaviour? Your poor son. Have you asked him why he blew up like that? Obviously it's inexcusable to throw a knife at someone but there must be a reason. He's your son. He's upset. Ask him why.

so sorry you have such a mess, I don't need to tell you that it is partly of your own making, the problem is how do you move forward.

I think you need to concentrate on you teen. You have put a huge thing on his shoulders by ripping the wedding photo. Teens do have crap moments like th eshouting and throwing the knife, but you are an adult, and you need to be the one to rise above and sort it out.
The knife sounds serious because it was a knife, but I am guessing it was a non sharp dinner knife and was just the nearest thing to hand? So I wouldn't make an issue of that.
Go and see your teen. Apologise completely for the argument, apologise completely for the wedding photo, it wasn't fair, it wasn't correct and you were having a go at his dad and shold not have used him. No, you and dh aren't about to split up, but you are fed up with a few things, and you and dh are going to try and work on them. Tell him you love him, will always love him, and this is his home.

I know you think he shoudl apologise, but a blow up over dinner has turned into a mountain, and you did that,a dn so YOU need to reach out to him.

OK, now dh. There are obviously issues between you. You are doing all the managing of the household.
Does he have a point about control? If, for example you told him form this weekend he is in charge of hoovering, and it needs doign at least once a week, would you back off and leave him to it, or would you micro manage it?
Make a list of jobs, ask him which ones he is going to take on, and be 100% responsible for? Divide them up, leave him wiht the list and then bakc off and let him do it. He may do it differently to you, and as long as it is done you need to accept that. Review after 1 month. At that point you can say - look this isn't working because you only hoover once a fortnight, or because it is nice to hoover on Friday so house is nice for the weekend, but you do it on Monday (or whatever)

Meanwhile, your other 2 kids are suffering because you have argued with dh. Bit unfair?

I’m a crazy person too OP do you have my sympathy. I’m guessing from your post that there must have been a whole load of bubbling stuff under the surface for you to blow up the way you did?

Wow, that's some awful behavuour from you and your son. And as the adult to do this in front of your son is just awful. If a man did this to his wife people would tell her to leave.

Why does your husband have to intervene, are you not able to speak to your son and manage issues between you yourself.

Clearly you and your son need to apologise and I'd recommend some anger management therapy as you're setting a terrible example to your kids and refusing to take any personal responsibility.

I agree I was in the wrong.
I’m ok with having it pointed out. I haven’t talked to anyone in RL so I needed a bit of perspective

I think I can explain it that I felt like a shaken bottle of pop and all my issues came out. This is NOT a regular thing for me.

DH deals with anything car and pet related. And I literally do everything else or tell people what need to be done.

I just wanted DH to be on my side for once and take some part in disciplining ( too strong a word) the children

It would be interesting to find out what the initial comment you made was. Perhaps you could start by asking them.

If you wish your husband to be more involved then speak to him privately. Violence is never the answer.

No one has any idea what set off teen DC there was lot of general chat.

I have spoken to DH many times about being too laid back. Nothing changes.

I have to take the initiative in just about every area.

Middle teen not talking.

Again, everything is down to me and I wanted DH to be on my side without being asked.

Today DH is carrying on as if nothing happened. No ‘ how are you feeling’
Yes I could ask him but it’s always me,

You behaved really badly and really, really need to apologise to your teen - for putting the marriage thing on his shoulders and just in general going off on one. The knife thing should perhaps be written off this time given that it's all muddied up with your response. Can you spend some time alone with him this weekend?

I am however utterly shocked that your dp just sat there while a child threw a knife at his wife. That's outrageous and I think perhaps counselling might be the way for you both. You need a new dynamic.

He then said the reason I do everything is that I am a control addict and if I told him what to do he would do it.

So hang on, which is it? Are you a control addict or does he need you to tell him what to do in order for him to do anything?

You seem really keen to blame your abusive behaviour on your husband.

Men who abuse and use violence towards their partners do this too. They drove me to it shit. I know it was wrong, but she made me. Then the women say is it my fault?

I'd give that some thought if I was you. Only you are to blame for your actions.

I’m not blaming my husband for my massive over reaction. I was trying to give some context into why all of a sudden it seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back.

He is placid by nature but that leads to apathy.

I do things because he doesn’t not because I’m a control freak. Although maybe I’m turning in to one.
I have tried leaving things for him but they do not get done. For example:He responsible for car things but when I use the car there will often be no petrol in it or if he books the MOT he will forget to take it because I didn’t remind him. He will use the last tea bag and not say we have run out. He doesn’t see things need cleaning etc. It’s all the little things.

Maybe I just have 20 years of resentment!

I still think he should have told off middle teen.

I still think he should have told off middle teen.

at the table when he threw something, yes, once you had flipped and finished screaming and shouting, no

Thanks @ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual

I think that sounds like a rational approach.

Sometimes I feel like a single parent but with a spare pair of hands. I have DH to do practical things with the DC like give them lifts etc.

Yes at the table, is what I meant.

I’m responsible for everything after that.

I would just like DH to get things back on track, but on a better track.

Maybe it’s too late to change? I can just see things going back to how they were.

It’s so tiring.

You're expecting your DH to reprimand middle teen for blowing up and throwing the knife at you. But you blew up and shoved, shouted and destroyed a wedding picture. And blamed middle teen for your behaviour. I think some sort of family therapy would be beneficial to you all. Your teen was out of order and so were you. Doesn't sound like an ideal atmosphere for a child already stressed about upcoming exams.

I sense you are taking responsibility in a half hearted way. You know some of what you did is not on but you explain what led you to it as if it’s an excuse. It’s an explanation but don’t use it as an excuse. I think this situation simply shows that you are not coping well with things as they are and you feel the parental responsibilities are not shred in a fair way. You are struggling to control your anger and reacting violently. I would apologise to your teen and have a chat with your husband to plan some changes.

I take all responsibility for me losing my temper not once but twice.

I think I posted here because I wanted someone to say. Yes your DH should have told off middle teen.

And for once it would be nice if DH would get involved. In this instance in trying to make middle teen and me feel better.

DH carrying on as if nothing is wrong. It will be toast again tonight unless I cook.

DH and I rarely argue, maybe once every few years as believe it or not we mostly get on and arguing with him is like arguing with a cloud. He’s non confrontational.

I think I had saved up all my issues

Your son was completely out of order for throwing a knife at you and shouting in your face and your H (not very dear is he?) should have had your back at that moment. It would have been better if he or you had gone to speak to your son when he had calmed down to try & talk things through. It sounds exhausting being married to your H. I think you should continue not cooking dinner for any of them for the rest of the week & see if H steps up without you having to tell him to cook dinner.