How to bounce back from a massive family argument?

[squareonenofun]

It’s another name change. I don’t usually post on relationships as it’s tricky. I occasionally throw in a LTB if it’s obvious.

Now it’s me I’m clueless. Don’t read on unless you have time for someone who is long winded.

DH and I together 20years. 3 teens. No wider family. We try to have a family evening meal most days. Lots of chat and debate.
The row from the title was after dinner, I’m still sat at the table. Middle teen was stressing over how hard the new style GCSEs are compared to older sibling. I have no clue what I said but something made him blow up and he thew a dinner knife at me and screamed in my face before going off and slamming doors. I sat there stunned. Then I shouted after him and then I had a lightbulb moment my DH had just sat there and done nothing. I was more annoyed with DH now as I felt he should have told off middle teen for his treatment of me.
Now I’m angry at two people!
Neither apologised to me.
So I woke up still angry the next morning and had another argument with DH about his passivity. He has a track record for passive behaviour. This was in front of middle teen and I shoved DH into middle teen as I was so wound up by him. I then ripped up my wedding photo and threw it at teen to say look at what you caused. I was a shouting maniac by now.
I know I don’t come off well.
After work I just went upstairs and kept away from everyone. I didn’t make dinner. ( so they all had toast!) and middle teen isn’t speaking.
I tried to explain to DH before teens got home that I was fed up having to do everything and he should have backed me up. He said I don’t need defending as I wasn’t in danger. He then said the reason I do everything is that I am a control addict and if I told him what to do he would do it.
We rarely argue but I think if we do DHs defence is always to turn things round and blame me call me bossy etc.
I certainly feel like everything revolves around me and my organising things.
I feel like DH should try to mediate between me and middle teen but I would need to tell him. DH has no initiative. So if I carry on going upstairs straight after work and not cooking then he will just let me carry on.
But if I do anything else then whole argument has been pointless.

The balance of power is all skewed and middle teen who only ever came out of his room to eat is probably even more screwed up.

I want DH to solve this but he is unlikely to do anything unless I ask.

You know you over reacted nobody needs to point that out I don’t think you need anyone to beat you with that stick.
I do totally get what you mean about the shaken bottle of pop. My ex husband was, is a lovely man but he sounded very much like your dh and it did start to simmer away resentment in me and I did end up exploding and it wasn’t pretty and I’m certainly not proud of it.
It is really hard going when you begin to feel you are responsible for everything even the things they are supposed to be responsible for. When I had children I expected a certain amount of thinking for them what I did not expect was thinking for the other adult too. I used to get oh I forgot to do that and I would simmer inside because I didn’t have the option of forgetting. I was mentally responsible for the things that he should have been physically and mentally responsible for. I felt like I sounded like a control freak whereas in reality things were on paper distributed between us but I ended up having to remind him they needed to be done.

You do need to apologise to your teen for putting the marriage difficulties on his shoulders but you need to have a frank conversation with your dh about all the things that brought you to this point and try and see if you can both find a way forward.

Have you read the threads about the 'incompetent' husbands?

I understand why you feel frustrated. You sound like you feel you are bearing all the responsibility without much support at all. It was shitty of your husband to not at least offer you some emotional support.

And I don't know why other posters are so relaxed about you having objects thrown at you. That must have been frightening and your adrenaline and fight / flight would have been triggered, your response makes sense. Especially given that you were not aware you were in a conflict situation.

Probably apologising to your son for your part in this is fair, but don't take all the blame - it is not acceptable for him to be throwing things at people. Get some counselling for yourself. You are not trapped in this marriage, although it sounds like you feel you are. You have options.

I am going to disagree here with some other people. If your teenage son was that angry it was probably best to give him some time out to calm down. Especially as you are such a voliate person.

Your son’s behaviour was not acceptable but yours was much worse. The issues that you have not dealt with your husband and between you two and your husband. Your son has no responsibility to made your marriage work.

I think you have 2 maybe 3 separate issues here.

1. Middle DC and his attitude
2. Your husband being incompetent (there is a thread about it somewhere)
3. Your anger and management of that anger

Deal with these separately. Don’t blame your children for the state of your marriage.

It’s interesting to read all these opinions. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

I wouldn’t consider myself to be volatile or have anger issues despite my actions this week. I’m usually too tired to argue and I find it’s just easier to do things myself.

I wonder if its menopause?

I am going to search for threads incompetent husbands and hope there is a solution.

My dad always said DH wouldn’t know if his head was on fire.

My plan : Going to finish work early and make middle teen a cake. May or may not make dinner. Still working that one out
Hopefully we can have a family day out on the weekend but I am going to suggest DH arrange something. So, while I initiate it he has to do the details.
However I am tearful at the thought of having to initiate yet another thing. So,this is obviously the crux.

I disagree that its just a husband problem. These are teens not toddlers, why aren't they cooking their own meals these past few days? I cooked meals for my family as a teen. Do any of them do anything? Or do you do everything? You sound in a rut of doing everything as its easier to just do it yourself but you aren't doing anyone any favors, especially yourself. No wonder you lost your shit. It's not too late to make changes, get everyone involved in running the house. It should be a team effort.

Why on Earth are you making middle teen a cake?!

Don't make your teen a cake. He threw a knife at you. That's a shitty thing to do to anyone. I still think a family meeting is the way forward. You're knackered, they all need to be doing more.

I agree with Shadow. It was up to middle teen to articulate himself as to why you had angered him and not resort to violence. You need to talk not bake.

Having had a DP in the past who sounds like your DH, I feel for you OP. And I too have had 'explosive' moments, where everything just boiled up and years of resentment came out over what, to everyone else, seemed like a trivial matter.

Maybe this whole thing will turn out to be good for you and your marriage. Maybe it's now time to talk. To your DH, to your teens - tell them all (after you've apologised) that you feel too much is on your shoulders and you'd like to delegate some of the thinking work. Maybe, now they've seen just how much you feel you've been forced to do everything, they will take it on board and try to help!

I'm a bit tired of 'the menopause' being blamed for things though. It's not hormones, it's years and years of being put upon and disregarded.

So you're still blaming your passive, incompetent husband, and now the menopause . You say you'll make your teen a cake. Do you honestly feel that is going to make up for your behaviour? Nowhere do you say you're going to talk to your teen, apologise to him, or try to get to the bottom of why he was so upset.

You seem totally fixed on playing the victim here. You're sulking because your DH hasn't asked how you are, you're refusing to cook, skulking and sulking in your room. And now crying because you're setting your DH up to fail again - making him do something that you're going to tell him to do.

Please apologise to your son. And then get some family counselling. You are not the victim here. The family relationship sees very dysfunctional.

I wonder if its menopause?

Do you not see how this is just something else to blame other than yourself?

Seriously if a man posted on here he'd shoved his wife then ripped up their wedding photo to show their child what they had done, then said how incompetent she was and that's what drove him to it, the reaction would be harsh to say the least. No one likes domestic violence.

Honestly, take responsibility for yourself and your own actions. It's not the menopause's fault, it's not your husbands fault, you lost control of yourself and were violent. You can't control others but you can control yourself, but to do so you need to accept responsibility, not look around wildly for something or someone to blame for your behaviour.

I also don't know why you're baking your kid a cake. That's an odd reaction. You both need to apologise and take responsibility. And then all of you need to talk about a way forward and what is and isn't acceptable.

I second the suggestion of reading up about deliberately incompetent husbands. No wonder you blew up.

Your middle teen won't be traumatised and it's good for them to know their behaviour isn't without consequence. Although a calmer reaction would have been better!

You need to reset the boundaries, step away from wifework and detach from your DH's shit. If he forgets to MOT the car he can deal with it.

Seriously, people lose their shit all the time. It doesn't mean the OP is a violent psychopath. She probably does everything, all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, thinking and in return gets a fucking knife thrown at her and her husband does absolutely nothing. I'm not saying she was right to react as she did, but I would have probably lost my shit too. Really no need to kick her when she's down or imply there is something wrong with her. She's human, she snapped. It happens sometimes.

Look everyone has a bad day.
DH sounds like he just doesn't know what to do, he has probably relied on you over the years to deal with the relationship stuff.
My husband doesn't have the highest level of emotional intelligence.

I agree a family meeting. You need to start apologizing for your behavior. You then need to calmly say you need more support from all of them and you need more respect from them.

The knife incident was not acceptable. Then say to your mid-son that you both need some 1 to 1 time to discuss what happened and you both to air your frustrations and move on as a family.

Good luck.
PS I don't think you sound unhinged, I think you sound like a mother of 3 teens!

Baking a cake?
Instead why don't you sit down and talk to your kid? Ask about GCSEs and if they need any support. Tell him you love him despite what happened and apologise for your reaction. A cake isn't going to fix this, talking is.

@TwitterQueen1 middle teen is not speaking so I can’t apologise.
However I thinking throwing a knife as his mum and shouting in my face for no particular reason was unwarranted and he also needs to apologise. Making a cake is a peace offering.

I am not being a victim or making excuses I was trying to explain to those telling me I had issues that it was out of character for me. If you read all my comments I have wholeheartedly said my reactions were wrong.

Middle teen has occasionally been a door slammer but has never threatened me in such a way. No one else at the table knows why he reacted so badly. It was a very shocking moment.

This is not a situation that has occurred before so it’s not as if my DC are growing up in a war zone. They would probably say their parents were happily married!

If you read some comments for others who have been married to very passive men it would seem I am not alone in finding them difficult.

So while I can try to make amends to my son I think I am well within my rights in a long marriage to have expected more support from my husband.

@WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe We were sitting down talks about GCSEs at the time!

OP. I have read the whole thread, and I know you've said here that you accept your actions were wrong - but you're not actually doing anything about it or changing your own behaviour. And you need to.

And this: *middle teen is not talking so I can't apologise." Of course you can! Again, you are waiting for someone else to do something. You're the adult. It's your house. You go up to his room and open the door and talk. Whether he responds or not is irrelevant. You need to take the initiative to sort this out with him.

Yes I picked up on that in your op, that's why I wondered if that had triggered his behaviour. Perhaps he is struggling or finding the pressure too much

Have you even apologized to anyone yet?

I think your middle teen sounds like a bottle of pop too. He was triggered by something.

Be totally honest op, are you controlling? I know you have to manage everything and it’s easy to slip into a controlling person as you need everything managed.
How does your managing affect your kids?

A family meeting is a good idea but I think you need to give your teen some space. Apologise to him for your part. He may very well ignore you but keep reaching out to him.
When he’s ready, have a family meeting and change the way the family is managed.
Start giving out more responsibilities so you’re not carrying out the whole load, waiting to blow again.

OP - ds is 15, and before Christmas in an argument he stepped over the line, much as your teen has done.
After lots of talking etc, we are back on track. I remember actually my middle brother doing a simliar thing at that age.

I think it is one of those moments when they go to far and have to rake back their self control. I don't expect it will happen again, bit my suggestion is that you take the adult role.

After his outburst, a lot else happened, and a I posted up thread, you were very out of order putting the marriage thing on him.

If this was me and ds, I would go into his room. He may say get out or I'm not talkign to you.
I would then say - well, I need to talk to you, and I need you to listen, you don;t have to reply, but you need to hear me out.
then apologise for the out burst, don't explain it away, just leave it as an apology. Also for the photo and the wedding thing.

The make it very clear that you love him and he is not responsible for the argument between you and dh. Also make it clear that you and dh are not about to split up.

Then leave.

When he comes to you, which he will, you can THEN say, we do need to talk about you throwing a knife at me and shoutign in my face don't we? At which point I am guessing he will admit he was out of order and apologise.

At the moment you have a stand off. The adult has to break it, on your terms.

This is a completely seperate issue to your dh.

(And can I just say, if you don't cook, there are 3 teens and another audlt in the house, and a chip shop down the road. You are not being a matyr. In fact, I in the long run, put the teens and dh on a cooking rota. once evryr 2 weeks per teen wouldn't be unreasonable)

Let them eat toast. Seriously. I'm slightly appalled no one in the house makes meals anyway. Are they not able to cook? Not allowed to cook? These are essential life skills that teenagers should be capable of if they're going to survive out there in the world.

Immediately deciding cake is the answer to this complicated mess is fascinating. And since when did a child "not talking" mean a conversation isn't taking place anyway?! He's had plenty of time to calm down after his outburst. He lives under your roof, knock on his door and tell you're going to be discussing what happened, what caused it, if there's anything on his mind, what help and support he might need, you APOLOGISE for your own unwarranted display, and you ask him to apologise for his behaviour.

While you all share your home, everyone treats everyone else with courtesy and respect. You say your husband is the passive one, but deciding to bake a cake as your son is in a huff and you'd rather not talk to him is incredibly passive and not the way to get past this.

You really have no right to expect your husband to parent for you when it comes to one of the kids kicking off. He's your son too, you should be able to handle his behaviour and to talk to him about it. I'd have left him to it that night as he was obviously steaming mad about something, but the conversation needs to be had now or it'll continue to simmer under the surface, whether anyone braves a chat about it or not.

Don't bake a cake. He's not a toddler, he's probably a scared, confused, hopefully slightly ashamed young man who is very angry and upset about something.

I then ripped up my wedding photo and threw it at teen to say look at what you caused

You did what??