How to bounce back from a massive family argument?

[squareonenofun]

It’s another name change. I don’t usually post on relationships as it’s tricky. I occasionally throw in a LTB if it’s obvious.

Now it’s me I’m clueless. Don’t read on unless you have time for someone who is long winded.

DH and I together 20years. 3 teens. No wider family. We try to have a family evening meal most days. Lots of chat and debate.
The row from the title was after dinner, I’m still sat at the table. Middle teen was stressing over how hard the new style GCSEs are compared to older sibling. I have no clue what I said but something made him blow up and he thew a dinner knife at me and screamed in my face before going off and slamming doors. I sat there stunned. Then I shouted after him and then I had a lightbulb moment my DH had just sat there and done nothing. I was more annoyed with DH now as I felt he should have told off middle teen for his treatment of me.
Now I’m angry at two people!
Neither apologised to me.
So I woke up still angry the next morning and had another argument with DH about his passivity. He has a track record for passive behaviour. This was in front of middle teen and I shoved DH into middle teen as I was so wound up by him. I then ripped up my wedding photo and threw it at teen to say look at what you caused. I was a shouting maniac by now.
I know I don’t come off well.
After work I just went upstairs and kept away from everyone. I didn’t make dinner. ( so they all had toast!) and middle teen isn’t speaking.
I tried to explain to DH before teens got home that I was fed up having to do everything and he should have backed me up. He said I don’t need defending as I wasn’t in danger. He then said the reason I do everything is that I am a control addict and if I told him what to do he would do it.
We rarely argue but I think if we do DHs defence is always to turn things round and blame me call me bossy etc.
I certainly feel like everything revolves around me and my organising things.
I feel like DH should try to mediate between me and middle teen but I would need to tell him. DH has no initiative. So if I carry on going upstairs straight after work and not cooking then he will just let me carry on.
But if I do anything else then whole argument has been pointless.

The balance of power is all skewed and middle teen who only ever came out of his room to eat is probably even more screwed up.

I want DH to solve this but he is unlikely to do anything unless I ask.

I'm fascinated by this family day out at the weekend.

So everyone will just acquiesce if you suggest it is to happen? I know my teens would already have plans and say no - they'd have friends to see, studying and sleeping to do ... they'd basically decline because they had other things going on or wanted to chill out.

The stress of the new GCSEs and A levels is horrendous, btw.

@Shadow666 OP says she shoved her husband the following day.

People seem to be missing the fact that the second argument (the ripping of the photo and the shoving) were the next morning! This wasn't an immediate angry reaction to the knife incident - OP had all night to calm down and was still violent the following day!)

Firstly, you need to find out what you said to cause such a reaction in your teen. I'm assuming it was along the lines of dismissing how difficult his GCSEs are - I could be completely wrong about that though.

I do understand your anger regarding your husbands passive tendencies. Mine is the same and it does cause problems but if my teenage son threw a knife at me, he would go ballistic.

I do think that ripping up your wedding photo and blaming your teen was totally out of order. Where do you think he's learning his behaviour?!

It's all very well having family meals, but all this 'debate and chat' can get really out of hand. My cousins family do this and it can get very heated because everyone has to have an opinion, everyone wants to be heard, conversations frequently descend into an argument and it's just an awful atmosphere. Maybe dinner times should be less 'debate' and more 'how's your day been'?

Oh, yes, you're right. It was the next day. Sorry, I misread.

Do you want a divorce? You don't sound very happily married.

I'm sorry I've just read your other posts OP.

I think your husband is clearly the antagonist here. As I said, mine is also apathetic at times but yours seems worse. It does cause me to lose my shit so I'm certainly not criticising you for that, but I try so hard not to do it in front of our child.

I think just clear the air with your teen, apologise for whatever you said and empathise with the fact that he's finding his exams hard.

Then, you need to focus on the real problem - your husband.

OP I agree that your husbands failure to respond when your son threw the knife is the issue here. Your son needed his intervention as much as you did - help to calm down and help to set things right with you, and you needed hi to have your back at a critical moment. Your children are getting some very worrying messages around this, imo.

I'm not surprised you lost it - I mean, how bad do things have to be before he wakes up and realises that he has a job to do?

Parenting is about showing a united front surely? Absolutely the op's dh should have intervened at the time of the incident. The whole family were having the discussion, which presumably included the dh too, therefore making him part of the whole scenario. By saying the dh should have intervened, I'm not implying that op needed him too, but it does seem odd that he would just sit there and do nothing while one of his dc lost it.

Moving forwards with your teen op, the onus is on you. You need to apologise unreservedly for your behavior the following day, none of this infuriating sweeping-it-under-the-carpet nonsense, which never helps anyone or anything in the long run. Your teen not talking to you is not an excuse for you not to apologise. I'm sure he'd much prefer an apology, a discussion and a reconciliation than a cake.

I do understand you wanting your dh to be more proactive - it's exhausting having everything on your shoulders. I don't know how you deal with that though tbh since you say you've tried talking to him about it before. How would he manage if you were to leave home for a while? Obviously I'm not suggesting you actually do this - I'm just wondering if he'd step up.

I wouldn't rule out menopause as a stressor. If you are feeling overwhelmed more than usual it might be worth looking into. Stress and anxiety often go hand in hand with the menopause.
OP, you are by no means the only parent that has spectacularly lost it. Go easy on yourself. Apologise to your son, let him know you know you shouldn't have behaved like that. Likewise his flare-up was most likely stress-related too. Talking about things rather than bottling everything up can help. Go to the GP, get yourself checked out, consider hrt if appropriate. Talk to your husband and explain that you as feeling overwhelmed and that you need more support. Spell out what that support entails. And talk about how you are feeling with him more often. Let him know if there is more that he can do, or whether you have appreciated things he has done.
Use this episode as a springboard for change.

Offred,

You have remarkable double standards as was as a remarkable ability to transform objects into what you want to be to mae your point. The ‘dinner knife’ in the OP’s post has magically transformed into a ‘butter knife’ in your post.

Why was the OP’s son merely showing his stress when he threw a knife and yet the OP ‘sounds unpleasant’ when she shoves her husband and rips up a photo?

You say boundaries do not need to be enforced by ‘shouting and punishment’. So how are they enforced? A boundary is not a boundary if it leads to a hug and a fluffy bunny chat if it is crossed.

Amateur psychoanalysis will not get you so far (especially when so clearly biased’. As a good friend and excellent parent said to me ‘children need real parents, not ideal parents’.

If someone scarily crosses a line, and a knife hurtling towards you out of the blue is scary, they need a meaningful and age appropriate consequence.

A butter knife is what I call a dinner knife... ya know... regional differences in language and all that 🙄

The comfort and sympathy is for the stress, the boundaries etc are for the unacceptable behaviour following the expression of stress.

If you don’t understand how to discipline and provide boundaries without shouting that is not my problem TBH.

Shouting and refusing to engage with someone’s problems is not ‘a meaningful and age appropriate consequence’ it is entering into a power struggle.

Do you really see no difference between a teenager and an adult parent of a teenager?

As all the science says; children do better with authoritative parents than they do with authoritarian ones.

So well educated to lecture on research and child psychology and yet you don’t know a butter knife has no serrations and is for spreading butter and a dinner knife has serrations and can be sharp (the clue is in the names!). Methinks you are being more than a touch disingenuous.

Your knowledge of science is amazing that you can tell a stress response from straight rudeness and disrespect not only at a distance but from the 100 odd words of the OP.

My butter knives and dinner knives are the same thing. I think the point probably is(n't) that it was not a butchers knife that was thrown.

OP I was recommended to read a book called " How to talk so your teenager will listen, and listen so your teenager will talk". I'm not generally a fan of such. It was a therapist who put me on to it and it helped tovastly improve what was becoming a very hostile relationship. It's a few pounds very well spent. What you do about your husband I don't know,but he does need to step up.

So everyone is walking on eggshells and no one else in your house has been brought up to function on a basic level? They can’t feed themselves anything other than toast? That’s a bit shit isn’t it.
Yeah your husband sounds pathetic but you chose to have three kids with him and be with him for two decades, so why complain now, it’s been fine for 20 years, otherwise you would have left surely when you first saw how useless he is?

The violence and stonewalling and showing your child that they ‘destroyed your [shite] marriage’ is appalling, absolutely unjustifiable, reprehensible and your kid will remember this for the rest of their life, even if you give them a cake (?!) I don’t know how you can fix your choices here, you being violent in front of your kid and towards your husband, your kids behaviour and your issues are three things that need urgent attention. There’s no way any of this can be downplayed or justified, this is horrendous.

Because you seem to need to hear it:

• yes, your dh should have stepped in when middle teen threw a knife at you
• yes, your dh should now be trying to mediate and resolve the situation
• yes, your dh should be taking a far more family proactive approach to general household tasks and stuff
• no, you shouldn't have screamed, pushed, lost control.

If it was me and it has been I would not be making cakes and begging forgiveness. I'd apologise for my own mistakes only. Apologise honestly for your bad behaviour openly to all family members and accept where you went wrong. Butyou should also make it clear that you deserve an apology in return for the knife throwing. If you don't want to cook for everyone until you have ALL apologised and sorted things then I'd be with you there.

(But don't blame your dh's shitty laziness on your ds or discuss your relationship issues with your teens. That part is nothing to do with your dcs).

Teenagers do sometimes lose it and overreact. The new GCSEs are very stressful and could it be that the ds is truly worried he is failing or not coping at all with the stress. Parents need to be setting a good example for their teens on coping with stress and difficult situations. Your ds outburst was wrong, especially throwing the knife but understandable just like a toddler tantrum. He needs boundaries and guidance. He needs to deal with his strong emotions and stress without violence but you need to show him alternative ways of handling it.
Now OP you have actually done the opposite of this by dealing with your own strong emotions, stress and possible hormonal imbalance (also something that affects teens) in exactly the same way as he has. You need to start being the adult and dealing with your problems in an adult manner.

Oh for heaven's sake. She was angry, shoved her husband. The wedding picture ripping needs an apology and a retraction. And further discussion if necessary. Take on board the pp who said no matter what go in and kiss them goodnight. An unfortunate temper tantrum doesn't make the OP Satan.

Yes, caring that was my point. And that it was impulsively done with something to hand.

Larry - the op says this in her op Middle teen was stressing over how hard the new style GCSEs are compared to older sibling.

If you are having difficulty separating ‘stress’ from ‘unacceptable way of dealing with stress’ then it really is no wonder that you think relying on shouting and punishments is all you can do as a parent of a teen.

My whole point was that the stress needs to be validated and clearly differentiated from the response to the stress and for the boy to be given support to learn more healthy and less harmful ways of dealing with stress.

This is extra hard for teenagers to do because of their impulsive brains and hormones. It is really important to learn to self regulate. Most teenagers feel swept away by their feelings and struggle to separate the ‘I was angry’ from the ‘I threw a knife’. But they are separate. Feeling angry is fine, throwing the knife because you are feeling angry is really not fine.

Why does no-one say teenager anymore? Just asking! Why is it always the Americanised 'teen'

Cos I love America and their cool way of speaking.

He then said the reason I do everything is that I am a control addict and if I told him what to do he would do it

OP, show your husband these, they are about men who "don't realise" about domesticity.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/