How to bounce back from a massive family argument?

[squareonenofun]

It’s another name change. I don’t usually post on relationships as it’s tricky. I occasionally throw in a LTB if it’s obvious.

Now it’s me I’m clueless. Don’t read on unless you have time for someone who is long winded.

DH and I together 20years. 3 teens. No wider family. We try to have a family evening meal most days. Lots of chat and debate.
The row from the title was after dinner, I’m still sat at the table. Middle teen was stressing over how hard the new style GCSEs are compared to older sibling. I have no clue what I said but something made him blow up and he thew a dinner knife at me and screamed in my face before going off and slamming doors. I sat there stunned. Then I shouted after him and then I had a lightbulb moment my DH had just sat there and done nothing. I was more annoyed with DH now as I felt he should have told off middle teen for his treatment of me.
Now I’m angry at two people!
Neither apologised to me.
So I woke up still angry the next morning and had another argument with DH about his passivity. He has a track record for passive behaviour. This was in front of middle teen and I shoved DH into middle teen as I was so wound up by him. I then ripped up my wedding photo and threw it at teen to say look at what you caused. I was a shouting maniac by now.
I know I don’t come off well.
After work I just went upstairs and kept away from everyone. I didn’t make dinner. ( so they all had toast!) and middle teen isn’t speaking.
I tried to explain to DH before teens got home that I was fed up having to do everything and he should have backed me up. He said I don’t need defending as I wasn’t in danger. He then said the reason I do everything is that I am a control addict and if I told him what to do he would do it.
We rarely argue but I think if we do DHs defence is always to turn things round and blame me call me bossy etc.
I certainly feel like everything revolves around me and my organising things.
I feel like DH should try to mediate between me and middle teen but I would need to tell him. DH has no initiative. So if I carry on going upstairs straight after work and not cooking then he will just let me carry on.
But if I do anything else then whole argument has been pointless.

The balance of power is all skewed and middle teen who only ever came out of his room to eat is probably even more screwed up.

I want DH to solve this but he is unlikely to do anything unless I ask.

Don't make a cake. That gives the impression it's all in the past, let's move on.

You and your DS need to talk. You both need to apologise to each other.

OP, could you get your son a card that says 'sorry', and ask him if you and him could have a couple of hours together to sort it out?

The knife throwing is horrendous, he could have caused some real damage. But in this situation, as it is now, you're gonna catch more flies with honey.

My DD has an over the top response too. Her, her friends, and my teacher friends are very stressed not knowing how to predict or cope with the new GCSE’s.

She’s needed me to say to her that I could see she’s stressed and that’s fully understandable and I’d probably be worse so I really appreciated his ell she was coping. Then to ask her if there were any changes we could make at home to help her or if there was anything we could do in approaching the school or extra resources and that we’d always have her back. All we asked is that she do her best but not to the extent it breaks her.

In your sons case I’d also add in there that you are concerned as knife throwing isn’t the sort of person he is so he needs to tell you what needs to change so nothing like that ever happens again because you live him but that is not to happen again.

This needs to come from YOU not your DH. It’s not his to fix.

You also need to set a good example to your kids. YOU SHOULD NEVER ACT INAPPROPRIATELY AND BLAME THEM FOR IT...and you wonder why they are more likely to behave badly if that’s the example you are setting!

You can only change your reactions. Doesn’t mean you don’t have every right to be angry and upset but you handle things badly so it’s unsurprising that your kids can’t handle their emotions either. You need to get help.

...oh and I say that as someone who has got help because I wasn’t good enough so it’s not just me being aggro with you. It’ll help the whole family and you too.

You sound like someone who has reached the end of her tether and just exploded. Of course what you did wasn't great, but you can absolutely come back from it, at least with your kids. Getting a more equal relationship with their father might not be so easy.

When everyone has calmed down, go and talk honestly to your son (without explaining the details of your marriage problems) and let him know that the stress has just built up for you (and probably also for him) but that you love him and you really want to work it all out.

I'm not sure what to suggest about your husband because it all sound so familiar and I don't know the answer either!

Tbh it sounds like your teen has done exactly what you did - bottled things up for a long time and then exploded in a horrible way.

You all need to work on how you deal with things before one of you ends up hurt.

None of you come out of this well.

Your teen might not talking to anyone, but that doesn't stop you going to his room and talking to him, does it? You're supposed to be the grown up in this situation and you said some appalling things to him, so I hope by now you've swallowed your pride and gone to apologise for your behaviour.

I'm not defending him - he didn't react well at all, but he's a hormonal teenager. You're a grown woman and you shoved your husband, ripped up a wedding photo and threw it at your son - essentially blaming him for your violence! That's really shocking to me.

What about counselling? Either individually, as a couple or as a family? It sounds like none of you communicate very well and like a PP said, you need to get on top of it before someone ends up getting badly hurt.

I'd want to know what set your son off.

I'd be disgusted at your husband for not intervening, or failing that, to mediate afterwards.

Are the rest of the family carrying on as if nothing happened? What about your other children?

Don’t beat yourself up about it we’ve all had a firework moment even the most placid of people have a breaking point. It sounds like you’ve had yours it may not of been pretty but it happened. Your teen was wrong to do that to you, dh should of defended you. I wouldn’t make cakes or arrange a day out I would sit them all down and explain that that sort of behaviour is unacceptable from your teen you & dh you are a family and should try to work together. Tell them your finding it overwhelming doing all the family thinking, cooking ect. Maybe set out a new regime.

You don’t know what set your teen off whilst having a conversation about the unfairness of the new GCSE system??
You seem to want to make this all about your husbands behaviour rather than yours. I think you should already have apologised to everyone who suffered because of your tantrum.
In fact why didn’t you already sort this with your teen before they went to sleep. He is a child, you are the adult...
I sense you’ve given yourself a bit of a shock - YOU behaved like that, no one else. Learn from it and learn to respect the special qualities each member of your family has.

Is this the first time you have ever been physically aggressive towards your husband or other family members op?

The behaviour from your son was terrible but very rarely spawns from nowhere.

I completely get you as I am a very manic and reactive person. We are all humans and can't be perfect model mum all the time. My husband won't do anything unless I tell him. I've learnt to accept this now so a few minutes day delegating tasks to my dh rewards me beneficially.

My dh never ever cooked a family meal. If he did it would be a microwave meal. He lacked inspiration and found it too energy sapping to cook from scratch. Now I have these box meals delivered with all cooking ingredients and dh cooks a family dinner x3 week. Actually on the table by the time I come home from work!!!

Sometimes you need to work with what you've got your get results.

I think you are going to have to be the one to break the stalemate, as ou are the one who really behaved appallingly here. What you did would have really upset my teenage boys and made them feel frightened and insecure. They may look almost fully grown but they are still kids.

Your dh sounds like a wet fart, but in this instance it really isn't up to him to sort this out. YOU need to go and find your middle teen and apologise profusely, and give him the opportunity to talk about what was bothering him so much in the first place. The new GCSEs are freaking out a lot of kids (and teachers), it's one of the most stressful processes a lot of teenagers will ever have been through, and while his behaviour wasn't acceptable it was less aggressive and more understandable than yours.

OP I’m a single parent and I find coping alone very difficult indeed, I also have ‘explosive’ moments, which, I agree, don’t help anyone. When I was with my ex, he took no responsibility either, so I’ve basically done everything always. It’s overwhelming, the sheer burden of being ‘in charge’ of the emotions of others is exhausting.

You know your outburst wasn’t appropriate, you don’t need that shoved down your throat, and yes your ‘d’ h should have supported you at the point of your sons outburst. If he’d supported you there and then, you may not have reacted the way you did.

Teenagers can push you to the limit, and sometimes being the ‘adult’ is really hard to do.

I hope you resolve things OP

I sounds like you have a very traditional (macho) family. You do all the cooking and housework for one man and three near-adults.

You have been violent to your husband and cruel to your son. I'm afraid, IMHO, violence is violence and usually means the perpetrator is abusive.

Why are people victim blaming the DH for being the recipient of OP’s emotional, verbal and physical abuse?

He should LTB

The child is a teen, not a toddler. If a husband threw a knife at his wife, I suspect the replies would be very different. It is pure luck that OP is not injured. He then screamed in her face. I imagine that the OP was really quite shaken up by this.

OP, you are right that your husband should have backed you up and your son needs a meaningful consequence.

Yes, you lost your temper but only a saint wouldn’t have. It is intimidatory and s form of domestic violence. You are probably still shocked and should be kind to yourself.

Where does it say the OP was violent to her husband?

I don’t see what DH has to do with this at all TBH. This was between you and middle teen.

I agree with fish too. You sound really unpleasant to both your kids and your husband.

Your middle teen was trying to tell you how stressed out he is and how difficult he is finding things. He shouldn’t have thrown the knife but you have made his difficulty all about you.

Anger never helps anything.

When my DS has had these times of stress bubbling over I leave him a little while to calm down then I have lots of cuddles with him and I really listen and sympathise with his stress and suggest ways of handling things. If he’d done something like throwing the knife I’d mention that calmly afterwards but teenagers don’t need to be made aware that that kind of thing is wrong, they already know that, they need to be helped to develop coping strategies which help them to be more in control.

Does your anger come from resentment?

So what about an 18 year old who throws a knife? A cuddle? A 25 year old?

At what age does throwing a sharp object morph from a ‘cri de coeur’ needing a hug into domestic violence?

Who do you think was more frightened and shaken up, the OP or her son? I have seen many DV threads on here where the contrast between lack of control at home and at work have been highlighted, rightfully. What would happen if the son threw a knife at a teacher because he did not like something the teacher said?

Hugs are not the be all and end all of parenting. Boundaries and meaningful consequences are also part of being a loving parent.

Middle teen needs your LOVE not your censure. What is the MATTER with you? Stop being so precious.

I expect DH is passive because he's learned that the way to be around you.

Look in the mirror. Get some counselling,

And LOVE your middle teen and APOLOGISE.

It was a butter knife, butter knives are not sharp. He isn’t 18, he didn’t throw it at his teacher, he didn’t just throw the knife either, he was expressing how difficult he is finding things beforehand and the op said something that caused him to feel dismissed then he reacted inappropriately.

You don’t need to shout and punish to give boundaries Larry. In fact shouting and punishing is often really ineffective/counter productive with teens.

I find it worrying the numbers of people who think anger, shouting and punishment are the only ways to implement boundaries/discipline.

And this IMO is a boundaries/discipline issue but that is secondary to the issues re how to express difficult feelings properly, how to handle faults in other people properly without escalating to unacceptable behaviour, how to manage stress effectively and how to cope with brain changes that make you more impulsive.

If all you do is shout at an punish a teen without helping them to learn skills for life you’ll just raise someone who is angry and depressed.

Did your teen mean to throw a knife at you or did he just throw whatever was in his hand onto the table and it came towards you? It was obviously an unpleasant and dangerous thing to do but intention matters too.

Hope you’re making some progress.