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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to do about my husband

127 replies

AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 04:29

So I’ve been married almost a year to my best friend. We were friends for 5 years and then got together August of 2016 and then married July of 2018. When we first started dating he was amazing, the first 4 months. After that he constantly started fights and always made them about me even though I didn’t do anything. And then when he would apologize he’d blame it on stress and say I was too amazing to be mad at. After we got married he hit with wanting to move back to his home state even though he knew I didn’t want to move at all and basically forced me out here. Made me break off contact with my family except my parents. So I literally have no one to talk to. Gets mad if I don’t have dinner on time, or if I go out and can’t cook that night. Expects me to clean, do laundry, cook, etc because he’s “tired from working” but I also work and I’m in school. Goes through my phone while I sleep, and deletes messages from people so I can’t reply but doesn’t let me see his phone at all. He threatened to punch me in the face after putting a hole in his door because I had messaged me nephew. Did hit me in the face one night after drinking because I was trying to get him comfortable in bed. Never wants to spend money on stuff I need but does, he just makes sure I feel bad about it afterwards. Forces me to have intercourse with him, even when I tell him I don’t want to and push his hands off me. Even continues after I say no. But on the good notes, he always tells me I’m the best thing to happen to him and he wouldn’t know what to do if he lost me. That if I ever left, I’d basically break him and tells me how much he loves me. My nephew and my best friend tell me he’s controlling and emotionally abusive and that I need to leave. I love him more than anything, I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
slothface · 01/02/2018 04:37

He is horrifically abusive. The 'good' times do not make up for the fact that he's physically and sexually abusing you, cutting you off from your family and controlling every aspect of your life. Honestly that isn't even low level abuse, reading your description is chilling, he sounds like an utter monster. But of course I know leaving is easier said than done, can you try and talk to friends and family when he isn't around and get them to help you?

splishysplashy · 01/02/2018 05:01

I'm so sorry to hear this and I too would agree that you will be better off without him. A break up would of course be so difficult (it doesn't sound as if he would make it easy for you) - but at the end of it, you will recover and you'll be back in control of your life and your body. Imagine yourself in 5 years time with this man - is this what you want? And now imagine yourself in 5 years' time without him - free to have fun, enjoy being with your friends and family, including a new partner, if you want it. You've not mentioned wanting to have kids, but if you do want some, someday, imagine the kind of dad he might be. Would you wish this on your children? It sounds as if he's not succeeded yet in cutting you off from your friends and family - reach out to them and seek their help. You can do it. And I'm afraid you'll have to harden your heart to the guilt trips - of course you're the best thing to happen to him (look at what you do for him and put up with!) But this isn't about what it does to him, it's about what it will do to you if you stay. Whatever you decide to do, good luck, OP, and big hugs.

1forAll74 · 01/02/2018 05:35

HI Accio, a chilling read from you as to what you have to contend with where you live. I know its maybe easy, to think that you love your man, but you are just putting up with all this nastiness all the time, lots of women do this for reasons of their own. But its sounds like a road to nowhere for you.

Its hard for outsiders to advise you what to do, but sounds as though if you stay with this man,,he will break you eventually.

You can always reads lots, about controlling people. and always it ends with a doom situation. The phrase, Love conquers all,, is just a phrase in reality, You just have to try and decide what you really want to do, and try and be strong, and think of your future, and don't be scared of what your partner will, or might say.

Do you live in the Usa, just that you mentioned about moving to a different state ?

longta · 01/02/2018 05:44

Well you missed off financial abuse, otherwise it's a full house.

Why are you unsure what to do? Are you hoping he'll change?

eggncress · 01/02/2018 05:56

You should leave.
He doesn’t love you... This is it not how you treat those you love.
Of course you are the best thing that happened to him.... he treats you as a skivvy who he can get sex from as he wants( irrespective of if you want it... this is rape).
He is relying on you to keep loving him so he can keep this up... so he throws in some affection( fake) now and again to keep you doubting yourself.So you keep hoping things will get better( they won’t)and stay with him.This is how he gets to continue using you.
To him this is not about love but manipulation,control and power.
Google the word ‘sociopath’
You can get out before you get in deeper
What about women’s refuge ? Flowers

Isetan · 01/02/2018 06:10

Your choices are simple; stay and suffer or leave and begin to find your way back from this shadow of your former self. There isn’t a parallel universe where he’s different and the price of staying in a relationship with this man is being treated as his property.

Where did you learn that this appalling behaviour was a price to pay for being in love? You’re in love with the person he pretended to be when you weren’t in a relationship and you stay because you don’t love yourself enough to prioritise your own happiness.

Leave or stand by and watch him destroy you.

NavyGold · 01/02/2018 06:17

You are married to an abusive rapist.

You don't need to be sure about what to do about your husband, you need to be sure what to do about yourself, which is leave and never look back. He should not be your concern, your safety and well being is your priority.

Fintress · 01/02/2018 06:19

Leave or stand by and watch him destroy you.

I agree with this. I know it's not as simple as packing up and leaving. He is emotionally battering you, not least because he says you will break him if you leave. That is exactly what he is doing to you, breaking you. Can you speak to your parents and be able to move back home?

He is ticking every abuse box and you deserve better than that.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 01/02/2018 06:21

On a good note well, I'm waiting for one. The shite he says is to control you further.
Pack your stuff and go back home. You owe this prick nothing. If he moans tell him he's lucky you didn't get the police on his rapist, physically abusive arse. Escape while he's at work. Today.

newdaylight · 01/02/2018 06:23

He's raping you, hitting you, emotionally abusing you, treating you like a slave and controlling you.

I'm sorry to say it but that's bit love, that's horrific abuse, and you deserve someone else who will treat you with respect.

Does he restrict your access to money too?

newdaylight · 01/02/2018 06:24

*not love

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 06:29

@1forAll74 yes I am in the USA, born and raised in Florida and right now in Texas.

@longta no he is controlling aboit finances too sadly. He will always talk about how willing he would spend money on me but the minute he does, for something I need, complains about how much money he is losing and then guilts me into feeling bad. He makes me feel even worse for spending my own money.

And like I said, we have been best friends for 5 Years, yesh the friendship was a little rocky, but I guess I’m more afraid to lose the friendship I had and worried I will hurt him. I really wish (as bad as this sounds, I don’t mean it to be that way) that he would have hit me because I feel like that would have been my out. At least we got passed the name calling when he was mad. He screwed up once fixing his car and tried to blame me for it and when I stood up for myself, he called me a whiny btch. And when he’s mad and I try to defend myself, he tells me to shut the fck up.

OP posts:
snoopfroggyfrog · 01/02/2018 06:35

He is not your friend. The friendship is gone; a friend does not do any of these things. You need to develop an escape plan and get out.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 06:37

To give an example of his fights (basically how petty they are):
He always bashes my dog, calling him stupid etc, and basically said I wasn’t going to keep him and he has to stay with my parents. Well one day I get fed up and sarcastically apologized for my dog not meeting his stupidly high standards and he got so mad he locked me out of his bedroom for 3 hours. Now this one not long after moving to Texas into his parents house so I had to sit in the game room with nothing but my phone bored to death.

And I know everyone keeps saying to go to my parents, but it’s difficult because I’ve built him up to be this amazing guy and I don’t know how to tell them its this bad.

OP posts:
Cauliflowersqueeze · 01/02/2018 06:39

I feel sick reading that.

Would you be happy for your daughter to have that life?

Unless you’re chained to the radiator, GET OUT.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 01/02/2018 06:40

Oh and your parents won’t give a shiny shit that you made out he was good when he wasn’t. Their priority is your wellbeing and happiness. This person is repeatedly raping you. Even leaving that aside he’s treating you like crap.

eggncress · 01/02/2018 06:41

OP you have already lost the friendship you had. Because he was pretending to be someone he is not. He is showing his true colours now. You are not hurting him it’s the other way round. He will always blame you for when things go wrong. It’s manipulation. He is also raping you.
Can you leave today ... your friend, nephew or a women’s refuge ?

Vernazza · 01/02/2018 06:42

Get away from this man any way you can. He is poison. He is not your "best friend" - he is a danger to your mental, physical and emotional life. Is there an abused women's shelter or helpline? Trust me, you aren't seeing this situation clearly, you are too involved in it. You need to get away from this man as soon as humanly possible.

Galaxyfarfaraway · 01/02/2018 06:42

Your parents would rather be there to help you. The won't worry that you have built him up they would want their daughter safe and well.
Please tell them how bad it is. Can you go visit them on your own? Get some space. Talk to them. See what they advise.

Please do not get pregnant.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 06:43

I can’t today no, my parents are out of town and I don’t have the money to leave. I had to quit my job to come out here and I can’t find one here.

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 01/02/2018 06:45

I’m more afraid to lose the friendship I had and worried I will hurt him

Yet he's not worried about hurting you.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 06:46

I’m on the pill so no pregnancy threat here, I am definitely not ready for kids. I don’t think he’s ready either money wise.

The problem too with getting out is I don’t have a car and I have all of my stuff here, I literally know no body around her to help. I knew he had a bit of anger issues coming into this relationship but it was never directed towards me and from what he said, it was basically his family just stressing him out. So naturally he wants to move back over here with them right.

OP posts:
StringandGlitter · 01/02/2018 06:49

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know it’s really hard to gather your strength and leave safely. Please know this won’t get better, it will only escalate.

You’re first action is to gather all essential documents and leave safely. Don’t ask for permission, make a plan, get your stuff and go. Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Can someone. Oh trust from work help you?

Once you’re out and safe, I’d really recommend reading the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Google for a free pdf version.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 06:58

Like I stated above, I don’t even have a car. My parents wouldn’t let me bring mine because it’s so old it probably wouldn’t have made it over. And the way he is with money, idk when I’d even get a car unless I buy it myself. Can’t do that without a job.

OP posts:
Vernazza · 01/02/2018 06:58

OP: google "Texas women's center abuse helpline"

There is help out there. Please seek it.