Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to do about my husband

127 replies

AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 04:29

So I’ve been married almost a year to my best friend. We were friends for 5 years and then got together August of 2016 and then married July of 2018. When we first started dating he was amazing, the first 4 months. After that he constantly started fights and always made them about me even though I didn’t do anything. And then when he would apologize he’d blame it on stress and say I was too amazing to be mad at. After we got married he hit with wanting to move back to his home state even though he knew I didn’t want to move at all and basically forced me out here. Made me break off contact with my family except my parents. So I literally have no one to talk to. Gets mad if I don’t have dinner on time, or if I go out and can’t cook that night. Expects me to clean, do laundry, cook, etc because he’s “tired from working” but I also work and I’m in school. Goes through my phone while I sleep, and deletes messages from people so I can’t reply but doesn’t let me see his phone at all. He threatened to punch me in the face after putting a hole in his door because I had messaged me nephew. Did hit me in the face one night after drinking because I was trying to get him comfortable in bed. Never wants to spend money on stuff I need but does, he just makes sure I feel bad about it afterwards. Forces me to have intercourse with him, even when I tell him I don’t want to and push his hands off me. Even continues after I say no. But on the good notes, he always tells me I’m the best thing to happen to him and he wouldn’t know what to do if he lost me. That if I ever left, I’d basically break him and tells me how much he loves me. My nephew and my best friend tell me he’s controlling and emotionally abusive and that I need to leave. I love him more than anything, I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
AngryAttackKittens · 01/02/2018 09:10

I know it's not an easy thing to hear, but you need to get out now. It will only get worse from here. This is classic abusive behavior, including the moments of love bombing and the claims that he can't live without you and the move that isolates you from your support structure and leaves you vulnerable. It's a cycle, and he'll keep escalating.

Please call your parents, tell them the truth, and ask them for help. This man is not your friend, and he's going to keep hurting you if he can.

eggncress · 01/02/2018 09:12

OP the reason I asked if you want to leave is I suspected that you are torn between staying and leaving. That’s understandable. I was in an abusive relationship for many years ( psychological) and one of the reasons you stay is you yearn for what was and you want it back... the way things were before... so you just hang on there and wait. I did too.
You will be waiting forever because this is the REAL him and he won’t change back again.
You were tricked into loving him( as was I) but I am getting help from Women’s Aid in the Uk and things are looking up. Things are more complicated for me as I have kids and a house with him... you don’t so the sooner you get out the better and easier it will be to do so.
You don’t need a car ... just call a women’s refuge near you. The dog will also be better off with someone who doesn’t kick it ... there may be an animal charity that can keep it til you get sorted .
On no account let him know your plans ....that’s when things can get dangerous. Glad we are helping you ... keep posting

saladdays66 · 01/02/2018 09:12

You are married to an abusive, controlling rapist.
He's not your friend. He's not your best friend.

He hates you.

Look at how he treats you. is that how you treat people you love?
No.
(Why on earth do you love him??)
Leave NOW.

Any ONE of the things you mention in your post would make me leave
instantly.

I am definitely not ready for kids. I don’t think he’s ready either money wise.

Why the hell would you even consider for a nano-second having a dc with this prick?????

I recommend you do the Freedom Programme or have some sort of counselling so you don't get into another abusiove relationship in future.

Drivingnovice · 01/02/2018 09:13

Where is he now. Is it the middle of the night for you atm

saladdays66 · 01/02/2018 09:14

it’s just getting over the fact I’d feel like I was hurting him if I left

Why do you give a flying fuck if you hurt him? He won't be 'hurt'. He hates you. He' ll just be sad he doesn't have you at home to rape and control.

He clearly doesn't care about hurting you at all, so why care about him?

Tell your family. There is no shame in admitting that things have gone wrong. Sounds like you've been fooling yourself about him ever since he changed after you'd been together 4 months.

category12 · 01/02/2018 09:16

They're not "people", they're family. He's no right to tell you who you can and can't talk to.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 09:18

He’s in bed asleep right now, I’m next to him but he can’t see my phone if that’s what you are getting at.

And again this is why I’m on here, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just imagining the emotional abuse and was justified in thinking of leaving.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/02/2018 09:19

He hurts you all the time. He rapes you. Why are you making his feelings more important than yours, (and the crime he commits against you regularly)? You say you think you do have a sense of self-worth, so think about why you're actually devaluing yourself this way.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 09:24

Again, until today I didn’t know there was such a things as rape in a marriage, I wasn’t devaluing myself, I was just trying to do my part in a marriage.

OP posts:
123MothergotafleA · 01/02/2018 09:27

Well you've done your part, but he hasn't. It's time to call time on him.

eggncress · 01/02/2018 09:28

It’s not just emotional abuse , it’s physical too. He knows what he is doing and is succeeding in getting you to doubt yourself. That’s how these bastards operate.
You are not imagining it .. it is real
Phone a women’s refuge tomorrow please

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 09:31

Okay, I’ll seek help and see what I can do about getting my stuff out of here.

OP posts:
Iooselipssinkships · 01/02/2018 09:34

You can leave. I left with nothing but the pyjamas I was wearing at the time, I didn't even have a pair of shoes because they'd been destroyed during his narc rage. Everything else can be replaced eventually but your life cannot be and that's how serious the abuse sounds. He sounds very dangerous and leaving is hard but you won't regret it. You will regret not getting out sooner though so please seek out help in your area for Domestic Abuse.
You can do this OP. You've made the first step by posting about it, you're stronger than you realise!

Screaminginsideme · 01/02/2018 09:35

Oh hun I’m so sorry this is your life. No one deserves that. He Rapes you and is abusive in every way if you stay it will only escalate. Is your stuff more important that your life. Get up and walk to the closest police station, tell them everything you have told us and they will help get you safe. Please do this ASAP please!

hesterton · 01/02/2018 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngryAttackKittens · 01/02/2018 09:48

OP, you're not imagining any of it. Gaslighting is also part of abusive relationships, and he'll try to make you doubt your own perceptions if he can. Don't believe him. What he's doing is real, it's wrong, and you have every right to put your own safety and happiness first.

CiderwithBuda · 01/02/2018 10:03

You definitely need to leave. Your stuff is not as important as your safety. Pack what you can carry and go.

And don't tell him. Don't think you can try and change him 'back' to what he seemed to be at the beginning. He was NEVER that man. It was an act to reel you in.

And don't be afraid to tell your family you were wrong. That you made a mistake. They would much rather know you were safe and happy.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/02/2018 10:45

I'm glad this thread is helping you. Your "normal" is an abusive marriage. I hope this thread has shown you that this is not normal at all. I hope you find the strength to get away and develop a happy life for yourself Flowers

hayli · 01/02/2018 13:02

Oh darling you are 'the best thing to happen to him' because he controls you however he wishes and gets away with all abuse thrown at you. You need to leave now before you waste anymore of your life with him.

Mix56 · 01/02/2018 13:31

You need to hire a car, pack it up & leave. you can put it on credit card, or ask someone who will pay for you.
Go home, & get your life back.
This man is going to destroy you.

ChickenMom · 01/02/2018 13:43

You don’t need other people’s ok to tell you to leave. You are your own person and you get to decide if you are happy or not. He could be Bruce Willis and treat you like the Queen of England and it would STILL be ok to leave if you wanted to. Marriage is not slavery. You get to say “I don’t want it anymore” if you want to. However, that said, the things you’ve listed are not ok. His behaviour is not respectful or legal. Having sex with somebody against their will is against the law regardless of marital status. Call your parents. Tell them everything. Message your entire family at the same time and ask if somebody can drive a truck to you and help you. Or just get your passport, bank documents, ID, phone, laptop, head to the airport and fly home. As soon as he’s out to work just fly home. Just go. ASAP. Stuff can be replaced. Your health, dignity, respect and wellbeing are more important than stuff.

Cricrichan · 01/02/2018 14:26

He's sexually, emotionally, financially and physically abusive and controlling. Leave him.

Granville72 · 01/02/2018 14:58

All you need to do is contact your parents and explain that you need to get out asap.

I am sure they will help physically as well as financially. Are there any buses you can catch? Could they order you a cab to get somewhere safe?

Bumshkawahwah · 01/02/2018 15:43

If that is what he is like so soon into your marriage then you need to be very, very worried. This can only get worse, which is frightening as this is horrendous. Please get out. Forget about your stuff. This is not a 'let's separate and I'll move my stuff out' situation. It's a 'pack a bag and run' scenario. You are not being unreasonable, or just not working hard enough at your marriage. You are married to an abusive man who reeled you in with niceness - that's what abusive men do. Otherwise how would they ever get anyone to be with them? Would you have married him if he'd shown you who he really is?

I know this is just all beginning to be to clear to you , and I get it, but please listen. This is bad.

CousinKrispy · 01/02/2018 16:16

I used to live in Texas, though I am far away from there now.

At some point you will come to realize that there is no point in arguing with this man, trying to explain things to him, trying to get him to see your side and change his behavior. He will never understand. He will never change. The "good times" are just part of the pattern of abuse to keep you from leaving. Maybe that is just as tragic for him as it is for you, but it's also extremely dangerous for you.

You can mourn the loss of your marriage and of the friendship you thought you had with him, you can mourn the good things you miss about him. But you will not be able to change him into someone who won't abuse you. It is far, far better to walk away.

This kind of man can kill you. Your life is so much more important than the things you have in the house--walk away from those (though do take anything like birth certificate, social security card, etc.). You can replace things.

Emotional abuse is very real and some experts say it is even more damaging than physical abuse. You are 100% justified in walking away from it.

Would your family in Florida be on your side if you explained what was going on? Or do you think they would advise you to "keep trying" with your husband? Unfortunately some people are clueless about abuse and don't understand how it works, and their well-meaning advice can be very damaging.