Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to do about my husband

127 replies

AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 04:29

So I’ve been married almost a year to my best friend. We were friends for 5 years and then got together August of 2016 and then married July of 2018. When we first started dating he was amazing, the first 4 months. After that he constantly started fights and always made them about me even though I didn’t do anything. And then when he would apologize he’d blame it on stress and say I was too amazing to be mad at. After we got married he hit with wanting to move back to his home state even though he knew I didn’t want to move at all and basically forced me out here. Made me break off contact with my family except my parents. So I literally have no one to talk to. Gets mad if I don’t have dinner on time, or if I go out and can’t cook that night. Expects me to clean, do laundry, cook, etc because he’s “tired from working” but I also work and I’m in school. Goes through my phone while I sleep, and deletes messages from people so I can’t reply but doesn’t let me see his phone at all. He threatened to punch me in the face after putting a hole in his door because I had messaged me nephew. Did hit me in the face one night after drinking because I was trying to get him comfortable in bed. Never wants to spend money on stuff I need but does, he just makes sure I feel bad about it afterwards. Forces me to have intercourse with him, even when I tell him I don’t want to and push his hands off me. Even continues after I say no. But on the good notes, he always tells me I’m the best thing to happen to him and he wouldn’t know what to do if he lost me. That if I ever left, I’d basically break him and tells me how much he loves me. My nephew and my best friend tell me he’s controlling and emotionally abusive and that I need to leave. I love him more than anything, I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Maatsuyker · 01/02/2018 08:08

'and I was so dead set on proving everyone wrong that said it wouldn’t last'

It sounds to me that they already had the measure of this man and want led to protect you from this. What do you need to bring with you in a car? Is it really important? Can't you ask your parents to send money, post the stuff that is important to you and book a flight back?

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 08:12

I know I didn’t read the signs, I’ve been oke that always said I would and then completely ignored them with him. The sad thing to me is, especially with everyone pointing out rape, he knows I was raped before by a neighbor. He is the only one besides my nephew that knows that. So for people to point out that he’s doing the exact thing he swore to protect me against makes me feel even worse. The reason my parents don’t know about that is because it was their best friend at the time and I didn’t know exactly how to talk about t considering I was only 15. I never felt comfortable telling them.

OP posts:
Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 08:13

Maatsuyker, it’s more than I could send by mail unfortunately.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2018 08:20

Did you feel that if you had told your parents about their friend you would not have been believed?.

You as a person are far more important than any stuff. Those items can be replaced. You need a fresh start and a life away from your abuser H.

What is stopping you now, expressing your fears could help you move forward.

eggncress · 01/02/2018 08:21

So do you WANT to stay with him?

category12 · 01/02/2018 08:22

You can gradually reacquire material things, it's hard but it's not the worst thing.

Could you go back home under the guise of a trip back to see family? And just not go back.

AgathaF · 01/02/2018 08:23

But on the good notes, he always tells me I’m the best thing to happen to him and he wouldn’t know what to do if he lost me - that's not good, that's him manipulating you into staying. And it's working.
It sounds like people already have an idea of what he's really like.
Please, phone your parents and tell them what's happening. I'm sure they'd feel dreadful if they thought you couldn't tell them and let them help. Phone your best friend too. You need some help to leave, physically to get your stuff out whilst he is at work and to keep you safe whilst you're doing it.
Don't let your h know that you are thinking of leaving.

NoStraightEdges · 01/02/2018 08:30

Go to a police station. Or a doctor, or someone on campus and tell them what you've told us. They'll help you.

You need help from real life people.

Flowers I hope you find the courage you need to get away from this animal.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 08:30

I wouldn’t dare tell him I’ve been thinking about it, not even on a good day.

For the one asking if I want to stay with him, that’s complicated, because I love him the him that he was the first four months of dating and that I get a glimpse of occasionally. But I don’t like the controlling part of him, where I can’t talk about getting another ear piercing without him getting so mad he won’t talk to me all day. Which he knew I liked ear piercings coming into this. I’m extremely torn between staying and leaving and that’s why I’m on here. I I wanted to see what people thought that had no emotional connection to me. Everyone has helped more than they would ever know, it’s just getting over the fact I’d feel like I was hurting him if I left

OP posts:
Bigfoot1 · 01/02/2018 08:31

I’m going to be harsh here...
You need to get some self respect. Your husband repeatedly rapes and hits you and is psychologically abusive. Not many people I know would put up with that once let alone repeatedly.
“When someone tells you who they are listen to then”
Your husband has told you “who he is” and you are refusing to listen.
There is no shame in returning to your family. They won’t laugh or say “I told you so”, they will be mortified that they didn’t help more or see the signs.
Please leave immediately. Your husband is a criminal and your life could be in danger. Don’t become a DV “statistic”

category12 · 01/02/2018 08:33

That him you saw in the first four months was a lie. The man you're living with now is the real him.

Onlymeeeeee · 01/02/2018 08:33

Google meathead movers! They move women fleeing domestic abuse for free. Could the nephew come out and get you?

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 08:36

Bigfoot it’s not aboit self respect, I have more than enough of that thank you. It’s more of this has been my first actual relationship and marriage, and I’ve tried to make it work. Until today, I didn’t even know rape within marriage was a thing.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2018 08:38

You are likely confusing love with codependency. His actions are clearly not loving ones and the man you saw in the first four months of your relationship was purely and simply an act by him to further draw you in. He preyed on any insecurities and worked these to his own advantage. Love does not equal pain.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Your relationship was over the first time he fought you and blamed you for his actions.

Bigfoot1 · 01/02/2018 08:40

You can’t “make this work”. Your husband treats you appallingly and his behaviour is outside your control. This is who he is.
Your story is one of the saddest I have read here in a while. I really wish you well and hope you find the courage to walk away and get on with your life.

ShatnersWig · 01/02/2018 08:43

Why the hell does someone try to make something work when it is totally and utterly broken and has been for almost the entire time?

It's not normal to accept all this. It's not normal to overlook someone constantly fighting with you and blaming you for stuff after just four months and for you to overlook it time and time again. That's not love.

Chickoletta · 01/02/2018 08:47

You need to leave this abusive monster right away. Don't talk to him about it, just pack an overnight bag and your passport, take your dog and go either to the police or a women's centre. Nothing else matters.

You will be taken seriously.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 08:47

That was why I haven’t yet, hence why I am on here asking for help. Lately the urge to leave has been strong but I was worried it was me overreacting. Everything I’ve been saying is what I’ve bren struggling with and why I’m seeking help here. I’m taking everyone’s advice and speaking to my mom aboit it to see what she says

OP posts:
Drivingnovice · 01/02/2018 08:50

You say he goes through your phone and deletes messages so you can’t reply to people....
Please remember to delete all of this from your history as you really must not let him see this.
I am worried for you.

treaclesoda · 01/02/2018 08:52

How did you find out that he was deleting messages?

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 08:55

I have my safari on private browser so there isnt any evidence.

And people were constantly asking why I wasn’t anssering them or why they were deleted from my social networking accounts. And also that’s how he ended up with a hole in his door because he saw I messaged my nephew after he told me I wasn’t allowrd to talk to him. I told him I wasn’t going to stop talking to my nephew so idk why he got that mad.

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 01/02/2018 08:57

I was wondering if he had told you he'd done it, maybe so that he could see your reaction. Does he know that you know?

mydietstartsmonday · 01/02/2018 09:04

You need to get out - it is a simple as that and you know that.
There is no marriage to save.

Get your best friend to buy a ticket online and see if you can pick it up from the station. Get a Greyhound bus out of there and get your best friend to meet you somewhere.

You need to do this.

123MothergotafleA · 01/02/2018 09:05

Pack a change of clothes and walk. He is likely to escalate his behaviour, and you are in peril.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 09:06

Yeah I confronted him about it but he still placed the blame on me for talking to my nephew and completely sidestepped the fact he was in the wrong for snooping on my phone. He won’t let me on his unless he’s right there and only let’s me on the text messages to message my mom if my phones dies when I’m out. He claims to hate when people invade his privacy.

OP posts: