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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to do about my husband

127 replies

AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 04:29

So I’ve been married almost a year to my best friend. We were friends for 5 years and then got together August of 2016 and then married July of 2018. When we first started dating he was amazing, the first 4 months. After that he constantly started fights and always made them about me even though I didn’t do anything. And then when he would apologize he’d blame it on stress and say I was too amazing to be mad at. After we got married he hit with wanting to move back to his home state even though he knew I didn’t want to move at all and basically forced me out here. Made me break off contact with my family except my parents. So I literally have no one to talk to. Gets mad if I don’t have dinner on time, or if I go out and can’t cook that night. Expects me to clean, do laundry, cook, etc because he’s “tired from working” but I also work and I’m in school. Goes through my phone while I sleep, and deletes messages from people so I can’t reply but doesn’t let me see his phone at all. He threatened to punch me in the face after putting a hole in his door because I had messaged me nephew. Did hit me in the face one night after drinking because I was trying to get him comfortable in bed. Never wants to spend money on stuff I need but does, he just makes sure I feel bad about it afterwards. Forces me to have intercourse with him, even when I tell him I don’t want to and push his hands off me. Even continues after I say no. But on the good notes, he always tells me I’m the best thing to happen to him and he wouldn’t know what to do if he lost me. That if I ever left, I’d basically break him and tells me how much he loves me. My nephew and my best friend tell me he’s controlling and emotionally abusive and that I need to leave. I love him more than anything, I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 01/02/2018 07:02

My nephew and my best friend tell me he’s controlling and emotionally abusive and that I need to leave.

They are right. Can they help you leave? You don't love him. Your in love with the idea of loving him and what he used to represent. He is not your friend and he doesn't love you. You need to get out. Please don't be afraid to ask for help.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 07:03

I’m not trying to make excuses so I don’t have to leave, I’m just trying to explain how difficult leaving is when you have nothing.

OP posts:
calmandbright · 01/02/2018 07:04

Action plan time. You can’t live like this! You’re being horrifically abused. Let go of the notion that he loved you - he doesn’t. Start gathering documents. With regards to stuff - what do you need / want to take with you? Remember, things can be replaced. You, my dear, cannot. Please get the fuck out!

Mary1935 · 01/02/2018 07:06

Hi there you do need to leave this man - he will not leave - he's too controlling for this. I have just googled domestic violence helplines in America and there are some numbers you can call for advice.
It now seems you do not have access to money - you said up thread that you studied and worked - now you don't have a job? Is he not giving you money? Do you go to college? If so I would speak to student services and tell them about this situation or I would call my family and ask them to collect me - or if the abusive pig of a husband hits you again call the police. I

I do know it's hard to leave these men - the y cry - they are sorry - they are stressed - someone pissed them off at work - BUT NO - they are just abusive - is he like this at work - NO - he wouldn't last 5 minutes in any job behaving like this. You need to get out or YOUR life will continue to be shit. I do wish you well and keep posting and reading these threads.
It was reading responses to domestic abuse posts that helped me see what I was putting up with was wrong.

kittensinmydinner1 · 01/02/2018 07:10

Can your Nephew and/or best friend send you some money to leave. Or even come pick you up ? I guarantee they will want to help.
As for parents being out of town. They have mobiles surely ? Send them a text or call them. Tell them the basics . They will want to help. If you were my daughter , even if I were in holiday, I would want to know and be there for help .

Sparkletastic · 01/02/2018 07:10

Phone your parents, relative or a friend and get them to come and get you. You are in a hideously abusive situation that places you in considerable danger.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 07:11

Mary, thank you for the advice. Sad to say he’s not exactly professional at work either. He works in the refineries so there’s more room to get away with the controller/moody behaviors. And on top of that, those men he works with are stuck in the 1950s mentality that women basically stay home and act like slaves. So he’s around that all day and then gets home and the rest is history.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2018 07:19

I would think his work colleagues have no idea at all of what he is like at home; he is probably all sweetness and light there. Regardless of that you really do need to escape from this man because he will likely end up killing you if you stay with him. You need your best friend, parents and or nephew to come and get you away from the cage he has put you in.

Men like this can take an awful long time, years even, to recover from so you will need support in the longer term as well.

IDismyname · 01/02/2018 07:20

You need to contact your parents and tell them. They may already have an idea, anyway.

I've spoken to my mum about my marriage and she's been brilliant. It took guts, and it means a sense of failure on your part, but nothing... nothing should stop you from exiting your situation.

It sounds dire, and, frankly, unsafe.

eggsandwich · 01/02/2018 07:21

Never have children with this man!!
Pack your bags and leave, this man is vile and you most definitely should not have to put up with this.

This is not what a normal married relationship is, find someone who will give you love, trust and respect, this man is emotionally abusive and controlling this will only get worse, leave now for your own sake.

Cowandchickentake2 · 01/02/2018 07:26

When your parents get back home you need to ring them and tell them how bad he is. They don't care you've built him up to be a nice person, they only want their daughter safe and happy. You need to ask them to buy you a train or plane ticket you can pick up from the station or airport so your husband doesn't know. Processions can be replaced but you can't be and this guy is only going to get worse.

You can transfer to a new school back home and look for a job. Please think about yourself and how horrible this man is. Get out now!

SoupDragon · 01/02/2018 07:28

I really wish (as bad as this sounds, I don’t mean it to be that way) that he would have hit me because I feel like that would have been my out.

He rapes you. Repeatedly. If you need an “out” you have it right there.

But you need to be ready to go in your head and it doesn’t sound like you are there. Tell your parents. If my child told me your story I would drop everything to be there to get them out.

Flowers
cordeliavorkosigan · 01/02/2018 07:32

I’d fly across the whole world at the drop of a hat to get either of my dds out of a situation like this.
Please get some help in real life. People WILL help you . This is not love , it’s rape and abuse. You’re worth so much more.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 07:33

He doesn’t see that as rape, and if I even tried to say that’s what it seems like to me, he’d get all defensive and just never want to do it all anymore. He thinks because I’m his wife I owe it to him anytime he wants it. He’s forced it in ways I never wanted to do.

OP posts:
splatattack · 01/02/2018 07:34

Call your parents...tell them to get you out of there. You have been raped and abused consistently for goodness knows how long...they will come and get you...

OnTheRise · 01/02/2018 07:38

He's horribly abusive to you. Really awful.

Speak to your parents. Ask for their help. Get yourself out, and away from this dreadful man.

It might mean you lose your possessions but at least you'd be safe. Clothes and things can be replaced. You can't.

kittensinmydinner1 · 01/02/2018 07:43

Can you call your friend / nephew/ parents OP ? You seem to be avoiding answering that question. It's important. Your focus should be on how you are going to escape this awful abusive, serial rapist rather than trying to explain why HE feels his behaviour is ok.
Time to stop obsessing over him and time instead to plan your exit-as a matter of urgency.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/02/2018 07:43

"He doesn’t see that as rape"

And therein lies the problem. Just because he is married to you doesn't make it right. You really really need to leave this relationship. You owe him nothing. Why haven't you told your parents yet? If I knew my daughter was in an abusive relationship I would not hesitate to help her get away from her abuser.

If you had a daughter would you let her endure a life like this?

SoupDragon · 01/02/2018 07:45

He doesn’t see that as rape, and if I even tried to say that’s what it seems like to me, he’d get all defensive and just never want to do it all anymore.

It doesn’t matter what he thinks.

category12 · 01/02/2018 07:45

His definition of rape is bound not to include raping you, because that would mean he admits he's a rapist. Few people are going to admit that. His opinion isn't the only one that matters.

You'd be best picking up what you can easily carry and going back to your parents. Or friends back home. Sod the stuff, don't stay with this man. You don't love him, it's more like Stockholm syndrome.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2018 07:45

He can believe and tell you all he likes he is not a rapist but he is and has raped you repeatedly. He has deliberately isolated you further since marriage socially and economically.

You do not owe this man anything let alone a relationship. He likes having you around simply so that he can control your every move.

You still have contact with your parents; reach out to them. Please pick up the phone and call for help. He will in all likelihood go onto further assault you otherwise.

SoupDragon · 01/02/2018 07:46

Under Texas law, rape is defined as a criminal offense that occurs when a person engages in non-consensual sex. The law defines non-consensual sex as any sexual activity that involves a participant who does not agree to engage in the activity. This can include the direct refusal of sex or the inability to give consent, such as sexual activity in which one of the participants is unconscious, drugged, threatened or coerced.

Marital rape exemptions were eliminated in Texas on September 1, 1994. A victim of marital rape can make charges in the same manner as other sexual assault cases

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2018 07:47

And what kittens wrote earlier. It bears repeating.

Your focus should be on how you are going to escape this awful abusive, serial rapist rather than trying to explain why HE feels his behaviour is ok.
Time to stop obsessing over him and time instead to plan your exit-as a matter of urgency.

Original poster
AccioBrie · 01/02/2018 07:49

I didn’t mean to avoided that question, my nephew is only 18 and in Florida with no car either so not a whole lot he can do. My best friend is in Oklahoma so he can and I know he would, I’ve just been trying to save my marriage first I guess.

I wouldn’t want my daughter in this position nor would I expect my mother to stay. I’ve been trying to keep positive about it because I haven’t even hit a year being married and I was so dead set on proving everyone wrong that said it wouldn’t last that I never really focused on the issue. Being out in Texas isolated from my family I’ve gotten to see how my relationship (lack there if I guess) actually is with him and it’s hard to explain but what I know of him, I’d never see him doing this to me or being like that, but yet he does these things.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/02/2018 07:58

There is nothing to rescue and or save here. This individual you are currently shackled to in marriage targeted you from the very beginning and there were warning signs re him very early on in your relationship.

Do not get stuck on the sunken costs fallacy that can and does happen in relationships that are basically over; a bad investment is not suddenly going to turn good.

You state that you would not want any daughter of yours or mother to be in such a situation, it is not ok for you to be with this individual either.

www.domesticshelters.org/tx/texas-domestic-violence-help-statistics#.WnLIDEx2t9A